Today I'm experiencing none of such, instead I'm just sitting on the same rough red chair I've been studying on for as long as we've lived in this house, at my computer, typing this. What else can I do online besides nothing? I'm listening to the same song I've been since yesterday feeling increasingly upset that I cannot relate to what she's singing about - love - what else can songs be written about? These days I'm floating in and out of nonchalence, I tell someone on the instant messenger. When I'm strong, powerful in my head, I don't care if I haven't got a boy to save me, because I wouldn't need him. I don't need anyone on those days. But then there's the rest of the week, such as today, when half-empty lyrics force me into a hole of depression that most things at my age come in pairs.
How long am I going to breathe normally before you come along? How long more before I will have to cry my tears for you because I think I love you? Jealousy, passionate anger, long moments of weakness and even longer moments of strength, all because of you. And then I'll take a deep look backwards into the future, and my life would have been pulled out of its delicate proportion all because right now, I don't have a clue who you are. ¶ 10:24 PM 0 comments
times in my life when i found happyness to pursue..
1. racho and i would cycle to east coast macs and share wedges and green tea,talk all we want about all the emo shit we have.we'll also have all the time to play with the carnival toy machines and pick the stuff toys we want.we won't care that we only have each other and no boy then.we'll be the happiest singles together.
2. zwing and i would stroll along the track in the dark of night,singing A Whole New World and every other song we sing together..we'll take photos in the dark and sit at the far end of the field talking and laughing.il be listening to her and she won't have kumkay bugging her to go join him at the PE dept or sth.chook rocks la,but with zwing alone im more than happy.
3. josh and i would sit on his bed singing that lin jun jie song over and over again as yongliang snoozes on his bed next to us.we'll talk in whispers and laugh to ourselves as i keep forgetting my lines,and josh would have that endearing smile on his face while i wonder why on earth im singing a love song with a guy i can't possibly be in love with.it doesn't matter though,even if we're not in love unlike the song suggests,im happy.
4. meng would give me a call and we'll talk nonstop through the night saying things to annoy each other,making fun of typos we make and gossiping about sth or another.then il say some emo shit thing and we'll both get so serious.i might cry but meng wouldn't freak out,cos he never does.even if i cry he'll say something funny accidentally trying to make me stop,but i'll be happy nonetheless.
5. steph and i will be sitting in GP class laughing and laughing not so secretly as mr kan struggles to control his urge to kill us.she'll say something funny about jackie chan or pong or God knows which other love interest and ill be furiously shaking with muted laughter.then she'll take out her PE shirt and laugh into it,and its her highly infectious laughter that leaves me everlastingly happy in that moment.
6. trinette will be slightly moody as we cycle home.i'll take her to the park bench,where we'll sit down and have one of those good long talks as the sun sets.i'll probably be in PE attire and all tired out,but it feels great talking to her about things we rarely get to say in our busy lives.she'll tell me things she rarely tells people cos she's scared of what they'll think of her,but i'll be more than happy to listen and prove to her she means more to me than she knows or thinks.
7. either nicky or ben will be walking home after church with me.we'll go to the shell station,and either one of us will treat the other to some junk food item we know we'll regret eating.then we'll slowly walk home,me in high heels and him walking too fast.we'll talk about stuff..all sorts..funny stuff..mummy and her antics.who knows.we'll be eating chips we can't see cos there's barely any light left in the sky and sooner or later one of us will say sth really funny and we'll laugh out loud into the night.maybe we'll sing.im happy when i sing with someone,even my brothers.
8. robyn and i will be on bus 67,which means she'll get off with me at my bus stop to wait for 24 instead of taking 28 to payalebar mrt.on the bus we'll be talking about one of my exploits in school,or maybe rain.we'll probably be disturbing the whole bus giggling about our misadventures.today she's not messaging zheng at the same time but instead she's doing the story telling.i won't even feel left out not telling my stories cos hers would be so interesting.she'll probably do something retarded,robynish.she'll laugh her weird laugh and il be happy to point that out once again.
9. jon and i would be strolling on a beach somewhere.it's four a.m. in the morning and we're both kinda tired.but we're happy we've got each other to talk endlessly to.we won't be able to see a thing except the waves reflecting the moonlight..there's people sleeping on the beach all around us.we'll be holding hands,and i'll still be 2 years older than him.he's still acting gay/drama-mama and i'll be rolling my eyes and telling him how his haircut looks bad as usual,but i love the way he smiles with his dimples.spending rare time with him is always happy.
10. walking in the rain,might be with trinette,might be alone.whatever it is im more caught up with the fact that God's here in the rain,and i can't stop yelling and telling him how much i love him.as the rain pours down all over my face and i can barely see ahead of me,i push my bike against the wind and close my eyes thinking about how God's everywhere around me.if life on my own were a desert,God would be my much needed rain.he's not just happiness.he's joy. ¶ 10:20 PM 0 comments
got distracted reading blogs.actually i was reading duane's blog because i decided to click on the link from my blog,which i was on after listening to the edwin mccain version of i'll be for the thousandth time.after oliver sang it for solo musicfest audits on tuesday,whoever was present from a14 hasn't been the same again.omg i need a guy who can sing like that.i quote steph partially "marry me oliver!!!!".partially because it definitely doesn't have to be oliver if the guy who isn oliver can sing like oliver.and also because i don't think oliver and i know more than 0.01% of each other.
besides the point that i brazenly spent valentine's day doing nothing cept watching what i presumed was a romantic korean movie called windstruck but wasn't really blown away like i was with 'a moment to remember',where i distinctively rmb 2 moments of me crying my heart out watching son ye jin and the extremely hot jung woo sung be sad over each other.
oh but whatever the case is,i realize how detached i am from most of my friends' lives.its like we're all friends but i have not much of a clue of how they function.we just talk when we have to,laugh like we've been great friends for ages,yet go on by without really knowing who they are when you're not together.it's amazing.the beautiful oblivion that leaves me wondering what the hell friendship is about really.i don't really know what rachel's up to most of the time,and i can live weeks without seeing zwing.i talk to robyn only once a week.
i repeat what i just said to k square: omg,im blogging.
i don't know what's been going on with my life either.i feel like sending a msg to myself saying what's up? and i'll have no clue.i just know that iv been spending my hnf-less days (liberation,hallelujah!) coming home early or hanging out in sch listening to musicfest wannabes like the divine oliver (i mean,his voice) with my darling a14 ppl.i have a list of 10 korean movies i want to watch,and iv watched 4 already i think.a list of unending school things i have to do.common tests to sit for.
iv been studying hard,as of today.after cycling with rachel ho last night till like 1130 (i wld have gladly stayed up more but i didn't have the house keys) and wondering whether the guys in my class really hate me with her,i came home and slept and woke up this morning only to go back to sleep half an hour later till 1245. then i woke up and ate chocolate for lunch,bathed and started studying geog till 4 sth.was supposed to go for felcomv2 meeting by 5,but my parents returned home from who knows where and i decided to wait for dinner and study econs.so i did,and robyn i think almost killed me for not showing.
anyhow.watched xmen3 till 9 30 and the dreaded computer has resulted in me still being awake at this hour instead of trying to do more work with my life.i seem to have lost the ability to do anything,as of today,cept work.and i still feel empty.like,i need more work.
wth? ¶ 11:37 PM 0 comments
All of us suffer. All of us have adversity. All of us are hurt in one way or another and at the most inconvenient time. The point is, do we let our suffering or adversity knocks us out. We are knocked out: when we keep on complaining about life’s injustices, when we recount the unhappy events in our mind over and over again, when we become bitter, when we seek revenge, when we are imprisoned by these events. Yes, we can be knocked down by adversity or suffering, but we have to bounce back and move on. Again and again! We must never allow these events to chain us to the past. We have to develop the courage to spring up fighting again and again at life’s challenges. We can take up our cross and remain brave and still caring and thus add a fuller meaning to our life here on earth. This is a triumph of our spirit. This is real success in life.
All of us think of our suffering as unique and private. But what is most private is also most universal. People have been there and gone through the same suffering. What can we learn from them so that we are prepared? What must we plan ahead to understand? What can we do, to better prepare ourselves to handle the crisis?
I think the following advance preparations are useful:
1. Ask “What” instead of “Why”
2. See what Jesus says about “Who is responsible for our suffering?”
3. Learn from Jesus’ suffering.
4. Accept the miracles at His time and in His way
5. Call ourselves to make that quantum leap in our faith.
6. Equip ourselves to help, comfort and counsel others
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1. Ask “What” instead of “Why”
When adversity or suffering strikes, it consists of two main events:
(1) The cause--Why? and
(2) Our response.
By instinct, most of us want to figure out the cause of our pain before we decide how to respond. The first question we naturally ask is “Why?” Why God? Why me? Why now? Why is this happening to me? Why am I being punished? Why does God allow this to happen to me? Why am I having such a difficult time? We ask the “why” over and over again. We will find that we can never get a satisfactory answer from our “Why” question. In fact if we go on and not change direction we will end up being angry and bitter with God, fate, whatever.
At some point we have no choice but to change our focus and ask “What.” Now that the adversity, suffering, pain or hardship has occurred, what must I do? What can I learn from this experience? What did I learn from this experience that will help me to move forward? What are the hidden promises in this suffering? What are the buried treasured messages? What must I seek and find? What faith must I cultivate? When we refocus on the “what” of our response, we are more likely to find solutions to our problems.
All of us react to suffering as something uninvited, undesirable and unwelcome. But every suffering or pain we experience is the kind that normally comes to anyone. Pain and suffering are part and parcel of living in the world and Christians are not exempted. But, when we turn to Jesus, Jesus promises that He will help us and He will work WITH us to turn the suffering and pain round for our good. The external circumstances (the pain, the suffering, the hardship or the adversity) may not change BUT our internal attitude and response to them will certainly change. As Christians, we are all challenged to discover the element of good in our suffering in order to promote our spiritual growth and to build our character. With our finite mind, we may not be able to see what possible “good” could ever come out from our suffering. But in His infinite wisdom, God promises to take “all things” including suffering, abuses, evil things, and turn them round for good as “in all things God works for good with those who love Him.” (Romans 8:28 TEV) God also promises that He will never leave us nor abandon us. He says, “I will never leave you; I will never abandon you.”(Hebrew 13:5 TEV) and “I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20 NKJV) “I will never turn away anyone who comes to Me” (John 6:37 TEV) We have to learn to hear with our inner ears and hearts to these comforting phases of “I will.” We can take God at His Word that He will help us, comfort us, strengthen us and support us through our adversity and suffering.
Yes, the way we respond to adversity or suffering will determine whether life's most painful experiences bring bitterness, resentment and despair or become a source of blessing and hope, which makes us better, grateful people.2. See what Jesus says about “Who is responsible for our suffering?”
The clearest insight into this question appears in Luke chapter 13 (NJB). Jesus was asked about two “current events” that prompted much local discussion. One was an act of political oppression, in which Pilate had killed members of a religious minority, while they were offering sacrifices to God; the other, a construction accident that killed eighteen people. Jesus answered and said to them, “Do you suppose that these Galileans were worse sinners than any others, that this should have happened to them? They were not, I tell you. No; but unless you repent you will all perish as they did. Or those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell, killing them all? Do you suppose that they were more guilty than all other people living in Jerusalem? They were not, I tell you. No; but unless you repent you will all perish as they did.”(v 2-5) Jesus did not fully answer the question most in their mind---the cause of the suffering. Jesus answers from above to the questions raised from below. His answer from above is about spiritual death. Physical death should alert us to our spiritual death and unless we repent we will spiritually perish like them. When we witness death, it is a call for repentance, a call for a radical change of our hearts, a call for us to turn to God, a call for conversion and a call to be reborn from above.
Jesus does not explain, “Here’s why those two tragedies occurred.” But He makes one thing clear---they occurred not as a result of any specific wrongdoing of the victims. So no grieving relative need to stand around wondering what brought about calamities; Jesus makes it plain that the victims had done nothing unusual to deserve their fates. They were the same as other people. They were sinners but no worse than other people. But Jesus did not stop there. He uses both tragedies to point to the eternal truths relevant to everyone---“unless you repent you will all perish as they did.” Jesus implies that we “bystanders” of catastrophes have as much to learn from the events as do the victims. A tragedy should alert us to make ourselves ready in case we are the next victims. Catastrophes thus join together victims and bystanders in a call to repentance, by abruptly reminding us of the brevity of life.
But in verse 11 “there before Him was a woman who for eighteen years had been possessed by a spirit that crippled her” and Jesus healed her and declared that Satan had caused her the pain; ”this woman, a daughter of Abraham whom Satan has held bound these eighteen years---was it not right to untie this bond on the Sabbath day?” (v 16)
Sometimes our illness could be due to our sins, as mentioned by Jesus in His healing of the paralyzed man. “Then behold, men brought on a bed a man who was paralyzed, whom they sought to bring in and lay before Him. And when they could not find how they might bring him in, because of the crowd, they went up on the housetop and let him down with his bed through the tiling into the midst before Jesus. When He saw their faith, He said to him, ‘Man, your sins are forgiven you.’"(Luke 5:18-20 NKJV)
But Jesus makes it absolutely clear that often our suffering has nothing to do with our sin or our parents’ sin. Jesus’ disciples asked Him when they saw a man who was blind since birth: “’Teacher, whose sin caused him to be born blind? Was it his own or his parents’ sin?’ Jesus answered, ‘His blindness has nothing to do with his sin or his parents’ sin. He is blind so that God’s power might be seen at work in him.’” (John 9:2-3 TEV) Here, Jesus teaches His disciples that suffering is no longer tied to sin and punishment. This is a very radical and new concept because all through the Old Testament there is this connection between suffering and sin! And practically all of us still keep making that connection. The enormity of our human suffering is caused not only by physical and emotional pain, but also by our deep sense of guilt attached to the suffering. Jesus radically and definitely disconnected suffering from sin and guilt. He did this in His own person. He who was without sin suffered the most and so broke the fatal connection between suffering and sin.
The best clue we have into how God feels about human pain is to look at Jesus’ response. He never gave an individual or a suffering person a speech about “accepting your lot in life,” or “taking the medicine that God has given you.” or “you must have done something to deserve this.” He seemed unusually sensitive to the groans of suffering people, and set about remedying them. And He used His supernatural powers to heal, never to punish. 3. Learn from Jesus’ suffering?
Jesus learned about hardship, rejection and betrayal. When Jesus first began His ministry, the people hooted, "Can anything good come from Nazareth?" Jesus' neighbors once ran Him out of town and tried to kill Him. The leaders of the day proudly announced that not one authority or religious leader believed in Him. He was rejected, lonely, tired, hungry, personally assaulted by Satan and persecuted by powerful enemies. Yet, when He met people in pain, He was deeply moved with compassion. Not once did He say, "Endure your pain! Swallow your grief!" When Jesus' friend Lazarus died, He wept. Very often, every time He was directly asked, He healed the pain. Sometimes He broke deep-rooted customs to do so, as when He healed a woman who had a spirit of infirmity for eighteen years on the Sabbath day or when he touched outcasts, ignoring their cries of "Unclean!" And Jesus suffers pain when He has an accuser slap His face, a whip lashed across His back, and an iron spike pound through muscle, tendon, and bone. The cross was a picture of torment and suffocation to death, stretching for hours in front of a jeering crowd. The pattern of Jesus' response should convince us that God is not a God who enjoys seeing us suffer.
Because of Jesus, God experiences, truly experiences, our human pain. Our tears become His tears. He suffers with us. He suffers for us. He shares our pain and suffering. He is our companion in suffering. We have not been left alone in our suffering. God understands our suffering and He will not allow it to be wasted. "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."(Hebrews 4:15-16 NKJV) We have a high priest who, having graduated from the school of suffering, understands us, "Since He Himself is weak in many ways, He is able to be gentle with those who are ignorant and make mistakes.” (Hebrews 5:2 TEV)
Jesus elevated suffering, transformed it, gave it power, and considers the pain of each member of the human race His pain. So much so that when I alleviate the pain of my brother, or am compassionate with his life, Jesus considers this done to Him, “whenever you did this for one of the least important of these followers of Mine, you did it for Me!” (Matthew 25:40 TEV)4. Accept the miracles At His time and in His way We must learn to accept the fact that Jesus will work His miracles at His pace and time and in His way. The story of Lazarus (John 11:1-44 NJB) demonstrated this very clearly.
Lazarus was sick and “the sisters sent this message to Jesus, ’Lord, the man you love is ill’” (John 11:3). The implication is that they wanted Jesus to heal him. Jesus heard their prayer and delayed answering. “Yet when he heard that he was ill He stayed where He was for two more days” (John 11:6). Lazarus, Mary and Martha are the people whom Jesus loves and stay with often, still adversity happened to them. Bad things do happen even to those whom Jesus loves! Three times in this chapter we are told that Jesus loves Lazarus. (John 11:3,5,36) Why does He allow Mary and Martha or us to suffer? Sometime there is a greater purpose to suffering than for God to end our suffering. Suffering develops our faith in Him.
Why does Jesus delay? One reason for His delay is for us to come to have complete faith in Him. Jesus’ delay in answering our prayers is never due to indifference or an inability to act. His delays and His Ways can be confusing because the process God uses to accomplish His will can go against our human logic and common sense. His delay has as its purpose the development of our trust in Him and for our good.
Lazarus was dead for four days. For four days Mary and Martha were in agony and in hopeless and helpless grief over the death of their loved one, Lazarus. Why does Jesus allow such grief to the people He loves? Jesus did not enjoy in the least seeing His loved ones suffer. In fact, “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). But Jesus’ focus was on the big picture and the purpose of God that would be accomplished. It took one day to travel to where Jesus was to inform Him that Lazarus was sick. By the time Jesus was informed Lazarus was already dead. Jesus knew that God would be glorified to a far greater extent by the resurrection of Lazarus. Jesus knew that His disciples, as well as Mary and Martha, would experience quantum leap in faith because He resurrected Lazarus.
What reasons do we need before we will develop a deep faith in Jesus? Do we believe intellectually, based on what the Bible says that God has the power to answer our prayer but lack the personal faith to believe that God will exercise it now on our behalf? Before Jesus could work His miracle, He has to challenge Martha to demonstrate her faith through sheer obedience to His command to “take away the stone” (John 11:39). Had Martha argued and not removed the stone, there would have been no miracle of the resurrection of Lazarus. What are the stones Jesus commands us to remove?
Jesus commands us:
to remove the stones of doubt
to remove the stones of rage
to remove the stones of fear
to remove the stones of unforgiveness
to remove the stones of unkindness
to remove the stones of hypocrisy
to remove the stones of nagging tongue
to remove the stones of revenge
to remove the stones of envy
to remove the stones of pride
to remove the stones of iniquity
to remove the stones of jealousy
to remove the stones of selfishness
to remove the stones of self-pity,before He will work His miracles on us.
The story of Lazarus is a story of faith and the necessity of placing that faith in Jesus for the miracle to happen.5. Suffering calls us to make that quantum leap in our faith.
No one wants suffering
No one likes suffering
No one seeks suffering
No one enjoys suffering
No one looks forward to suffering
We do not welcome suffering and pain. Neither did Jesus want suffering. He prayed, ”My Father, if it is possible, take this cup of suffering from Me! Yet not what I want, but what You want.” (Matthew 26:39 TEV) “In great anguish He prayed even more fervently; His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.”(Luke 22:44 TEV) In His suffering, “An angel from heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him.”(Luke 22:43 TEV) So too, we need faith, family and friends to be ministering angels to us. We also need Jesus to strengthen us in our suffering.
When I am overtaken by sickness or adversity I must seek whatever remedies the world affords me. But, will I be tempting God’s divine providence, if I don’t do my best to find a solution? Doesn’t my best mean that I must not be lazy or apathetic or slovenly in my attempts? Thus, I must act and do whatever I can---use my intelligence, experience, consult doctors, family, friends, Internet, experts, prayers and whatever God has put within my reach---and then calmly endure and patiently await the outcome. If God sees fit to cure my sickness or to overcome my adversity I will thank Him joyfully. But if, on the other hand, He permits the sickness or the adversity to persist, I need to vigorously steel and battle myself to surrender to His will for me. Meanwhile, I must still maintain that faith and sing praises to the Lord and rejoice always in His kindness. In another word, pray fervently for the grace to act as Mother Teresa advises: “Accept whatever He gives---and give whatever He takes with a big smile.” (A Gift for God, 46) I have to believe that God will guide my life. I have to believe that joy can come amidst my suffering just as crushed grapes can produce delicious wine. I have to believe that God is preparing me to “bear much fruit” (John 15:2 TEV). Such an attitude is vital for my long term health and well being.
Suffering is God’s megaphone calling us to Him, calling us to make that quantum leap in our faith and trust in Him. For how do we know the “God of all comfort” if our faith has not been tested by the trials of suffering and pain? St Peter tells us, “Be glad about this, even though it may now be necessary for you to be sad for a while because of the many kinds of trials you suffer. Their purpose is to prove that your faith is genuine. Even gold, which can be destroyed, is tested by fire; and so your faith, which is much more precious than gold, must also be tested, so that it may endure. Then you will receive praise and glory and honor on the Day when Jesus Christ is revealed.”(1 Peter 1:6-7 TEV) Jesus reminds us that, “not one sparrow falls to the ground without your Father’s consent” and “you are worth much more than many sparrows!” (Matthew 10:29,31 TEV) We know that we are “children of God” (1 John 3:1 TEV), and that God is “always ready to help (us) in times of trouble” (Psalms 46:1 TEV), and nothing can come into our lives unless He allows it. We have to believe that with all our heart, and look about expectantly for what God is doing---in us or through us.
One reason why God allows us to have trials and adversity is for us to discover and learn for ourselves, through our own personal experience, "how very great is His power at work in us who believe." (Ephesians 1:19 TEV)
God allows suffering as one of the ways He grabs our attention to truly and fully turn to Him. We are therefore encouraged to continue to seek His comfort, His support and His strength. We are also encouraged not to view the present situation as one, which should only be endured until relief comes. We know that in our world, we learn to mature and grow through difficult, challenging and painful experiences. So, we have to face our suffering and we have to befriend our suffering. We have to patiently live through our suffering. We have to let our suffering bear fruit in our hearts.
God allows suffering to be a means of discipline through which faith, love, patience and grace may be cultivated in our lives. When we pray and let Jesus live near our hurts, we will learn how He uses our suffering to mould and draw us closer to Him. We can be sure that God in His divine purpose desires to bring about in us the greatest good because He loves us.
The great secret in life is that suffering can become a source of new hope and new life. We know: no hardened ground can bear fruit if it is not broken up by the plough; no grain can become bread if it is not ground and baked; and no rough diamond can be transformed to its true brilliance if it is not cut and polished. So, in like manner, if our hearts are hard like stone, it will not bear fruit; but our lives can be fruitful if our hearts are opened up and softened through suffering. Our hearts are then renewed to help others. 6. Equip us to Help, Comfort and Counsel others
If we want to be used by God, if we want to be “fully qualified and equipped to do every kind of good deed” (2 Timothy 3:17 TEV), we will have to travel the road of suffering at some point in our life. For how can anyone lead others out of the jungle if he has never been there? St Paul tells us that; “God helps us in all our troubles, so that we are able to help others who have all kinds of troubles, using the same help that we ourselves have received from God. Just as we have a share in Christ’s many sufferings, so also through Christ we share in God’s great help.”(2 Corinthians 1:4-5 TEV) “(God) comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.”(2 Corinthians 1:4-5 NIV) “He supports us in every hardship, so that we are able to come to the support of others, in every hardship of theirs because of the encouragement that we ourselves receive from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ overflow into our lives; so too does the encouragement we receive through Christ.” (2 Corinthians 1:4-5 NJB)
As Christians, we have been helped, comforted and supported by Jesus in our suffering. We are, therefore, called or challenged to make visible Jesus’ love for all suffering humanity, by helping, supporting, comforting and being patiently present to all suffering individuals who come our way. Indeed, we need to be ministering angels to one another, to give one another comfort, consolation, courage and strength to move on in life and not be locked in the prison of our past suffering, trial, pain and/or hardship.
However, in helping or comforting others, we must not forget what Mother Teresa says, “Don’t give in to discouragement. No more must you do so when you try to settle a marriage crisis or convert a sinner and don’t succeed. If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about people’s opinions. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. It is very difficult in practice because we all want to see the result of our work. Leave it to Jesus.” (Contemplative at the Heart of the World, 107) ----------------
To learn any lesson quickly remember the acronym: "ASK to SEE and LEARN the ACEs (main ideas) of whatever we are learning."
¶ 10:07 PM 0 comments
progress is the wrong word.
meng's birthday now.but i bet he's sleeping.how odd.it's meng's birthday.a thousand images are brought to mind.or rather,memories and what if's.i should wish him soon.
im too tired to care if rain's in sg and sleeping peacefully now.im also too ashamed of myself because ppl like rachel's melvin exist and are so super godly,it scares me.that's what i need to go back to being.God-crazy.not some fan of rain.
forget the rain,bring back the Son.
plus too many girls like rain.i shall just turn my attentions to sexy integration from now on. ¶ 1:47 AM 0 comments
i loved you when i thought i loved you
and i loved you even when i was convinced i didn't
you probably thought i only loved you sometimes
when i felt like it i loved you,
but most of the time i felt nothing else
maybe i might have only loved you and you alone
then again i loved you when you lost yourself
i could have loved you even if you weren't you
if you made me cry i wouldn't love you,
i said with my fingers crossed behind my back-
you knew tears could only mean i loved you
what did you do to make me love you
i tried not to ever love you the way i loved you
but i loved you before i fell in love with you
who were you that i should have loved you
i loved everything about you
loved the things you were and things you never were
maybe then i didn't really love you
because now i don't believe i loved you
but in my dreams i always loved you
i loved you all the time, i think
i loved you when you acted like you loved me
i loved you when you couldn't say you loved me
i loved you pretending i was too short to be seen
i loved you when you bent down so i could reach you
i loved you 'cause you agreed to hug me twice
i loved you being good to make me happy
i loved you despite you being bad but never telling me
i loved you because i knew you had no choice but to lie to me
i loved you when i could tell you loved me
i loved you even if i was completely bluffing myself
i loved you through my conscious and my sub-conscious
i loved you when you didn't dare to put your arm around me
i loved you more when you squeezed nearer to me instead
i loved you eventhough i wasn't thinking about you
i loved you and those dimples on your face
i loved you allowing me to hold your hand for hours
i loved you all the years you took to grow up
but no matter how much i remember loving you
i also remember hoping to stop loving you
praying our footprints in the sand would disappear
so what if i loved you when i ran my fingers
through your short brown hair, smiling
'cause you purposely left the gel out
did it matter that you were the only one to ever
say i meant more to you than i would know
and i knew then you were telling the truth?
we could have stayed up the whole night talking
your head resting bravely against my shoulder
voice low and trusting, unafraid
and i would have loved you more than anyone
but baby you never loved me once or twice yourself
yes, i love you, i love you, i love you;
but now i loved you.
-based on a few true stories. ¶ 11:31 PM 0 comments
Ask and you will receive
Whatever you need
You said,
Pray and I'll hear from heaven
And I'll heal your land
You said
Your glory will fill the earth
Like water the sea
You said, Lift up your eyes
The harvest is here, the kingdom is near
You said,
Ask and I'll give the nations to you
O Lord, that's the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see
Your light, as it rises on us
O Lord, I ask for the nations
-You Said, Hillsong
"If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves, but for him who died for them and was raised again. So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view...All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has commited to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God...'In the time of my favour I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.' I tell you, now is the time of God's favour, now is the day of salvation."
Mission: China
in God's love and strength,
Joanne. ¶ 2:23 PM 0 comments
iv not done the 4 things i had planned to do tonight as a result of the time wasted completely on rain.which were...
- edit my testimony and translate it into chinese
- attempt to get writing again(:
- do bible devotion!! QT!QT!!
- do econs 'Applications of Demand and Supply' tutorial.darn.
oh well.what to do.do i do all that now?especially since michelle is going to totally kill me for not doing my testimony once over yet. :(boohoo.but i feel like just going to sleep now...in vain hopes that i have one more day to do all that 4 things.or maybe get back that 4 hours i just squandered over my darling man-boy rain.one victory though,rachel ho has finally yielded to his endearing charm.that heart-melting smile!gawsh.
aiya.whatever,this is childish.i should have done all my 4 things!!!!now how!?! church is early in the morning and there's no time whatsoever to do 2/4 that's for sure right now..should i stick around a little longer trying to edit the testimony?definitely wanna do QT!!!
now that chook and zwing are gone,iv kinda lost 2 major sources of 24-hour entertainment.maybe that's why i have no more energy to stay up so late.oh,crumbs.
i think i shall first stop blogging and save some time.
¶ 1:14 AM 0 comments
GOD I LOVE YOU STILL BUT I'VE NEVER PROVEN IT SO FAR.
GOD I'M SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF.im feeling convicted,yet broken and...a failure.iv failed you.if iv ever failed anyone.it's you.i need a true change of heart.my heart...it's been so far from God.what is my heart's desire Lord?you know.im struggling with the Lord...stop me.embrace me.where has my love..my passion for you and everyth about you gone?where has the girl who loves the Lord so much gone?where..am i?
where has my heart gone,Jesus?
...if i leave it be,destroy it and give me a new heart.it's as good as gone for now.it's worthless.make me anew.renew in me the love of God.a strength that comes from the Lord,not a strength that i try to draw upon myself.
everything iv come to admire.come to revere.is not of God.i worship the world with the attitudes of my heart.iv turned my face from the Lord and dropped the Bible like it means nothing more to me.im no better than an unbeliever.
God....
iv gone astray.and all i want to do is turnaround and walk straight back to you.to run.
to....be back with You...
God i'm sick and tired of the world.show me mercy..show me hope..show me love.
Lord,please.
Lord..i need you.
i can't do it on my own.
iv failed you as i am..
God..but i know you still love me.and that you're still the God of the impossible.
God of love.God of hope.God of mercy..
God of me.
God..
what have i built my life upon?...
let it be the Rock of salvation.nothing other.
let me know you,Jesus.
change my heart.
lead me in your purpose.your will for my life.
break me.shake me.make me.
God,let everything I say to you now,..may i mean it.
I meant everything I just said Lord.
please..
grant me a spiritual earthquake.
in your time,but im ready as of now.i don't want to wander any longer.
In Jesus' Name I pray,
amen. ¶ 9:46 PM 0 comments
aiya.i can't think of anyth cept how hot rain is for now.i think iv watched his it's raining video like 5 times already or sth.but i have to admit,it's time to start thinking and focusing on my missions and the church stuff.the play time of this holiday fever has to end soon.
if this rain doesn stop,when will my spiritual revival ever begin?
small eyed,sweet smiling,baby-faced boys -- get behind me! especially if you've got a hot bod and equally hot moves to boot. ¶ 8:43 PM 0 comments
today,or effectively yesterday since it's almost 2 30 a.m., was rather fun.mrs chan's farewell assembly was sweet,and the full-day off seriously made me feel terrible about her leaving.sigh,she's such a funky person la.really really diplomatic and sincerely Victorian in every manner of the word.someone i would want to be like,that's for sure.
got lit back today..and got practically the same result as i did for midyears.which is rather demoralizing cos aiya,no more lit h3 for me.im clearly not fantastic at lit.i think my results should stand as such for now,since i have no idea how to count geography..
A-geog (:(:(:
C-gp (:
D-lit
E-maths
E-chinese
S-econs :(:(:(
i think i got E for chinese la.i also cannot remember already.i think promos were a good improvement,a leap ahead from the horrid DEEEDS of midyears.sadly,i really have to work on that econs otherwise next year im stranded in that class of miscreets if im forced into econs h1,which seems like a VERY possible outcome judging by the horrendous state my econs is in.i think it has sth to do with the ponning of wednesday econs tutorials.i shall never do that again la.gosh,really have such a long way to go to get my econs to that A la.i have to like,pass it first.sigh:(
otherwise,today was fine.im still in the holidaying mood,but royce swan lk n i did try to work on some PW OP today.was quite good in the end,though we only got down to work after my nap,royce's playing,swan's intervention and lk's departure.therefore royce n i only left the house at like,10 30.i met zheng's danny boy at han's today! although i didn't really recognize him,never could..n neither did he remember me then..but online we managed to talk and i realized he's actually pretty nice and not so annoying after all.he's mugging for As right now..was lamenting over his schoolmate rachel ho's current predicament for the promos..which sounds more like de-mo's right now.. :( said he's been doing pretty badly himself but he's still heading for As.oh well..i really don't know what's going to become of my darling racho.God help her!
okay my goong has finished loading.
oh,and one thing..to 06s49,marvelous sign you left me in t37.next time you feel like leaving me another love note,please remember that my name is jonk and not jonks.unless,as gongkia put it aptly the last time,there's more than one jonk in school.i however,will not be taking part in your useless games anymore.louis chan,im sure you do not want anymore of that bad karma catching up on you--
or i just might see you in crutches next,hmm? ¶ 2:25 AM 0 comments
alone and washed a little away by
the waves that roll and fall
like the ripples of sadness in
your eyes like a heart emptied;
stark hollow. alone, yours
he is the wind in your hair, yours
and the kiss upon your cheek
the moonlight upon your paled skin
like magic sparkling on a
silver lake like your eyes tonight;
full of love. I'm alone, my own
that heart you slipped into his pocket, yours
to give to whom you love
beating softly in sprinkled stardust
like a bright light in the
darkened sky like a dying eclipse;
shining shimmering. No longer alone, together
myself, yours
truly I've never had someone as good
as you my sugar baby
sweet and a child amongst us
like a free spirit roaming
the earth before us like the wind;
in wild abandon. leaving me alone, no one's ¶ 11:54 PM 0 comments
but that's besides the point really.nowadays,esp this week.i can testify that we're all walking through our own bullet storms.steph was really down yesterday over her results.and today it was my turn when i S'd econs,not very proudly that's for sure.i more or less deserved it,have to say.i mean i was like flunking all my essays before that..don't even need premonition to tell me im NOT going to get A for econs eventhough i studied my guts out for 4 days.more results coming.sigh.GOD GOD GOD.nevermind,im taking whatever you throw my way Lord.
regular life has not been much better.WR finished 2 days ago.and so begins the stress over OP.im still caught up in post-exam mode,and although A lvl Chinese is around the bend in early november,im actually still watching goong and doing practically nothing at all if i can help it.im a lazy shit.
sigh,pardon the vulgarity but there's been lots of rubbish churning around my social circle.things i come to hear about,things im forced to think about,things i don't want to care about but can't because it seriously isn very Christlike to just condemn a man based on rumours and never have anything to do with him again.but then again the Bible also says,say it once to a sinful man,but if he refuses to change his evil ways,it's better to have nth more to do with him.im guessing,simply pray.but actually when i think about the issue of completely writing him off and condemning him in my mind to the depths of the hell im able to comprehend..i don't feel like ever praying for him again.i did before,and for the rest of them.it's like the same way i felt with nicole.i loved her as my sister,us being in the same class and good friends for 4 years.but after a while it just seems so fruitless and i don't see the need to even bother with her anymore.cut ties once,cut all ties.im still not sure if that's the way to go about things.
why do i feel so guilty about this pending condemnation?my mind is definitely made up and so is my heart.he failed the humanitarian test.but before he did i was prompted to pray for the weirdest things for him.zwing and i on the roof that night,talking to chook over the phone.us puzzling over why God would have even prompted me to pray for love for these young men.why love?not for me,duh.but why love for them?why that strong urgency to intervene spiritually..over what? what was that sexual purity thing about,really? questions just keep unfolding.if i hadn't gone through that incident and if zwing hadn't been there to make me sit up and take it seriously..right now he would be completely dead and gone to me.and knowing myself i really couldn't give two hoots to anyone i wrote off my list viciously.i may be emotional,but i think ppl can vouch for me that i can be equally hardhearted.
such a dilemma over nothing.i don't even want to have anything to do with that Bunch anymore.not ever see them again.not ever pray for them again..but talking to chook i did eventually consider this to myself,that when i chose to go about our odd relationship the human way,things got real bad.when i stopped praying,things like these start surfacing more than ever.in a vulgar,ostentatious manner.in-your-face shocks.and then i want to stop taking this human path towards things.i really do.was telling chook last night,me not praying is not helping one bit.me going gaga seems to have weird side effects.
and im not close enough to God to hear anymore,like iv stopped listening.more interested in listening to the world's gossip session and knowing the latest.more interested in forming my own disgusted opinions and turning my eyes towards my handphone for the latest news.instead of falling back to the Lord and asking His opinion.His news that matters the most,that loves the most.only the Lord can have such magnanimous love towards these ppl.when all you want to do is go the easy way and detest them,God goes the other way and reaches out a hand to save them.regardless of who they are,what they've done,what they're going to do.and it's amazing to me now,even as i think about this fact.because whilst my social circle sits back and gaps at their outrageous behaviour,condemning these fools in our hearts and feeling comforted that we're not as sinful as they are..well..who's to say,honestly? let him who has never sinned throw the first stone.
zwing is disturbed by it all,and so am i.i have no idea what chook's stand on all this crap is.what would Jesus do? im guessing,He probably would have not gone all emotionally tied to things,but instead spiritually guide them back home.He would have not bothered with rumours and gossip,since He already knows everything,each man's heart and intention.He would have prayed for them as He came before the Father (DAILY,hint hint!!!) and with a pure and truly honest heart,begged for divine intervention and mercy on their behalf.sigh,He would have loved them so much,and He does.i did manage to pull that off once,that day zwing and i were on the roof.i was actually on the floor and in tears just coming before the Lord and obeying the huge impression i was getting by praying for exactly what was supposedly wrong.them and their lives.but after promos i fell back into my own sinful self and hung up on the Father.haven't been talking too much to Him lately.would rather talk with the world.
which completely sucks,yeah?don't want to do that..shall pray for them la.sigh.God give me strength man. (: Jesus I love YOU.
i so need to start living that purpose-driven life. ¶ 5:24 PM 0 comments
i havent blogged in ages.ages.AGES.im such a wasted writer.but now im hitting the storybooks and reading those trashy teenage novels again that inspire me to never write like that, at very very most.i need to find another good book,like geisha/pride&prejudice to indulge my exquisite acquired tastes in books (what the hell.HAHA).
so far iv read rachel's,mel's,huishuang's,and willis' blog.so crappy la! as in,cracks me up to read about their own little escapades.hilarious.we should all compile a book together about the days of our a14 lives, revealed.i actually really liked huishuang's blog! no idea,but it's got some pristine quality to it.and willis' blog was absolutely hilarious.especially the part about steph (girl 1) and me (girl 2).at first it was making me totally laugh out loud (at him,more than at us) but when it got to the part about how some girls but NOT girl 1 or 2 were getting prettier in vj, it became a very 'what the hell' moment.wahlao willis you watch out.one day il flame your name on cosiety.
(((:
i don't know what im feeling now besides winsome.everybody else seems preoccupied with their fantastic wild lives,but im more or less just sitting around watching tv and enjoying the good lazy life, quite unexpectedly.perhaps im just too lazy to get out of the house.the balcony aircon is perpetually switched on,anyway.
im stranded between dimensions of life.studying and slacking.im doing neither,yet im doing something.i don't feel serious,but im struggling to gain control.the flow of life seems to have caught against one large jagged rock or something.the end of promos kinda spelt excessive and potentially harmful leisure.as seaborg says (cross-ref to GP Compre text).
oh yes,and im also completely pissed off at my mother right now,whom i graciously tried doing stuff like cleaning up the kitchen,ironing everybody's clothes,and marking scripts meticulously into the night for.today she's decided to stop being sick and iv been getting nothing but blasting for the mess iv apparently created.before i left for my haircut,session 1.after i came back and totally oblivious to previous displeasure (on MY part),session 2.definitely another 'what the hell' moment there.like,what the hell!i was trying to be nice,really.and this is all i get.condemnation.i repeat,what the hell! an angry person is a dangerous person.mummy,im angry at you.sorry.but im really angry and disappointed in your behaviour.
God forgive me.
on a lighter note,last night racho was showing my some deviantart stuff,this time of this person called silentbride.chook showed me some other really great photographers before too.but silentbride beats them flat.i completely LOVE her photog art.beautiful pieces so carefully thought over and conducted into life on film.gorgeous and hideous, gothic and angellic all rolled together.ah,made me feel extremely ashamed of my own ability.been fiddling with photoshop a lot and trying out lots of color balance alterations,working with different color ranges,playing with curves.but no way is my art good enough for deviantart viewers.man.racho's good though.loads of potential there.ah yes,and chook kk's photographs also la.all the deviantart ppl.
i need to call steph soon and tell her about willis' blog entry but her phone is dead.meanwhile,i shall just go back to reading my trashy teenage novels and binge on the little fantasies and fallacies of the old wise and very evil writers who convince teenagers life is what it is in those ridiculous stories of theirs.oh please,not everybody is bronzed, fit and summersoaked gorgeous like their poshy characters.
but who cares,i could be.((:HAH. ¶ 5:25 PM 0 comments
2. write a letter to china people before i actually go there,announcing my arrival (both BJ n ZZJ)
3. think of and get really nice stuff for them too (ask rachel and zwing for ideas)
4. get cool photoalbum + photos from chook for them(:
5. think of cool things to do for lesson time/english corner
6. ask sean to meet up so we can settle publicity stuff
7. hurry up and settle the christmas musical publicity stuff!!!!think of consolidated ideas,please.
8. meet darren and esther for video discussion
9. stay in school overnight with class people and talk on the roof
10. have a stayover + xbox championships soon soon soon
11. get that last flight out song, and all the other songs I've lost from the old laptop
12. revamp blog? perhaps.
13. start blogging for cosiety again!!!!!!sheesh.podcasting sessions please!
14. study for A lvl chinese and PASS THEM
15. do WR and have loads of fun plus oreo iceblend with the PW grp
16. GYMMING,plus some running please.have regular uZap sessions or sth HAHA
17. eat less and eat smart.
18. sleep sufficiently!at least 8 hours!
19. study for some stuff so next year won't die during A lvl mugging
20. oh yeah, COACH MENG for O LVLS.and help everybody else who needs my help too.
21. START CELL IN SCHOOL.
22. go library borrow many many books and make up for all that lost reading time!!
23. be a better person to everybody and cultivate good godly from the heart character
24. CLEAN ROOM.revamp room? maybe.if too bored.
25. write a story about us(:
26. have a Get-Together's GET TOGETHER.
27. fill up missions forms.
28. update songs in phone,please i beg you.
29. get more clothes, in desperate need.
30. get contacts and new cherry red glasses.
31. GET HAIR CUT.think about dye-ing hair.
32. get eyebrows plucked back into shape soon
33. watch a lot of movies and serial dramas.more DVDs please!
34. watch a lot of TV - America's Next Top Model, Project Runway III, Princess Hours, Yang Sisters, Maggie and Me, Ten Years of Comedy, Ticket to Indulgence, PRISON BREAK.
35. get new devotion book for teenagers.
36. get that Power of the Praying Teen book for zwing too.don't forget own copy is with chook.
37. think about what christmas presents to give everyone this year
38. hype up for all the end of year CRAZE for fellowship comm!make a list of fun games.
39. arrange cupboard/table/racks/iTunes/desktop/photographs
40. PLAY WITH APPLE'S MOVIE MAKER
41. go down to meng's art room and paint stuff
42. learn how to take good pictures from huey and chook.
43. improve dying piano skills and learn new songs
44. spend loads and loads of quality time with a14/zwing/rachel/robyn/rowe/ryl/shan
45. have a positive attitude towards cell and start serving actively
46. get addicted to a ridiculous computer/xbox game - LOTR/winning 11/tennis
47. train hard to master table tennis and beat aaron.
48. to rid my life of unnecessary beings who are incredibly cute but infinitely stupid.
49. focus upon people who truly mean something to me and be a genuine friend.
50. cycle around singapore with david/zwing/brandon/yong/terence
*51. Plan Life.¶ 3:10 AM 0 comments
Too long have I shunned her slender fingers around my broken heart
Numbed my intuition from her loving kisses upon my head
I'm naked, tempted, but I refuse her.
Stilled within my trembling soul, she eludes me.
Like a fire in a darkened room, flickering
Burning through my loins, my heavy loins of darkness
I reach out to stroke her desire, but then I snuff her out.
Sweet Sorrow she longs to free me but she eludes me-
To fill my mouth with the breath of redemption from her lips
She's wiped the bloodshed from their shameful eyes and made them see
For her love I am desperate, I am needy, but I am blind. ¶ 11:13 PM 0 comments
hmm.life is odd right now.im like drifting thru life accumulating tiredness,yet not really doing much to deserve to feel tired.that's how i see it that is.i slept from 3-9 today,i admit.was so tired after that great lunch that i din bother giving myself any awake time to digest.wound up having an extremely disturbing dream consisting mainly of PE in indonesia,walking around a shopping centre in a swimsuit and heels and winding up in a dingy but freaky boarding house where chook appears with a baby and girlfriend in tow.the first words i spoke as my brother woke me from my slumber at the end of the dream was 'oh gosh i just had some nightmare'.don't ever sleep on a full stomach.
my life right now,however,does not consist of swimsuits or indonesian PE lessons.does however contain lots of zwing and a14 madness,and a more than necessary amount of chook kk.nobody should jump to conclusions upon reading this,neither am i about to reveal what has been going on with all 4 parties (me,zwing,a14 and chook) during this period of high eccentricity and uncertainty.have to say tho,have become even more attached to school and the people.zwing and i have never been better bestfriends,a14 has never been so chummy and united,and i haven had a good guy friend i can talk to incessantly (please correct my spelling) like chook for a rather long time since meng's gone off to settle his Os without my help and zheng's off with robyn dearest.which is rather nice,cos i'd be missing meng pretty much otherwise.im so glad his oral turned out alright.it better!!! after all those long nights of phone conversations with me, the speak-good-english freak, especially.as for zheng,he needs all the time he can get with robyn before he's off to army next year anyway.at any rate,can connect with chook somehow i think.wonder if it's just me.hope that in the long run everyth will be good for him and ahem.
i just looked thru my schedule and realized i have like 3 weeks to study for term3 stuff,2 for term1-2 stuff,and 1 study break week to consolidate everyth together and ace my promos.ace may not be a good word choice,but aiya.(:sounds good tho,i better not have miscalculated the dates.
the get-togethers have not been very together lately.rachel's so busy with her art and SA..rowe is just popping in and out of my life once in a while when i hear a song we used to sing in class..like she will be loved,we believe,qing tian.cheryl was complaining how ppl in vj think we're freaks if we burst out in song in the middle of class,so unlike sc.we sang so much to rowe's guitar last year and last last year.sigh.the things i miss about sc.how we hug everytime we meet,scream everytime we see each other and hold hands to walk around.im quite glad i have zwing to make up for a bit of the lost SC-ness.and shan and cheryl,cos we're still best buddies in school man.if ONLY rach and rowe were here.it'll be great.but i guess God has different plans for each of us.maybe we should just join musicfest next year anyway.get a drummer/bassist (depending on what shan wants to play) and an electric guitarist.actually considering how well i do not sing,perhaps sld swap me as well.haha.eh then what's the use of joining if it's not even a majority of the original band?haha.
okay it's reaching 5.note to self,get-togethers desperately need to GET TOGETHER. ¶ 3:05 AM 0 comments
in Jesus name i PRAY AMEN!(: ¶ 3:22 AM 0 comments
today was another failure of a mugging resolution.i woke up early,joined royce steph and swan in waiting for rachel orlick and mel to arrive at the gates of VJ before proceeding an hour late to the beach.after which we spent quite some time wondering where to sit and having that very sweet birthday session for swan.happy birthday swan! and yeah,for more details on that part of the day,check out the class blog..which is in my linkes.all our duno wat..80 pics or sth are there.
kianboon joined us at parkway for lunch after that,then we went arnd trying clothes and drinking iceblend..well and finally landed up back at daryl's house where me and kianboon played winning 11 for quite sometime before i realized i was late to meet zwing for the planetshakers thing.everybody left tgt and i took a bus with kianboon again to bedok,where i was like rushing like crazy to get to expo.
zwing was late anyway.wells.tonight was a good night man.spiritual earthquake,really.that's all i can afford to say.too much!
well,iv got some stuff to say to God before i go and catch those ZZzzzZs.
dear God...WOW.you really made tonight a night of spiritual encounter man.i mean,it's the same as last year.as i emerge from the doldrums of spiritual low and wander my way back to the cross,the planetshakers again have stepped in and reminded me of how planetshaking ur whole movement on earth is Lord.and i wanna be part of that!not only that Lord.i really got what u were trying to say to me regarding all my sadness and distance from you.how i really am the prodigal child..taking all ur blessing and running far away from you to spend it all laughing and having mad fun..pulling away from the protective wings of the Almighty and venturing out into a seemingly harmless world.but God,i made up my mind that i wanna turn back to you.i can try all other method to make up that emptiness..think i know everyth but nv knowing anyth at all in the end.being void.but God,this really is the God-shaped hole YOU need to fill,and nth i can do will ever satisfy my hunger.it's a hunger and thirst..a burning desire to be filled with YOU Lord.stir it up in me!!(: yeah God,and i cldn help feeling so ashamed of myself when i closed my eyes and..whilst i was running back to you..you were already watching and waiting for me to return and like the Father of the prodigal son,ran faster and caught me in your embrace.just..caught me and i knew that i was back where i always belonged.and you still loved me so much..you wanted me back even though no one in the world could ever do so if they knew the unfaithfulness of my heart.oh God please forgive me,teach me to love you more more more! don't let me go anymore Lord.im not gonna let you go either.im back with you Lord.im back.and you're holding me so tight,letting me know everyth's in your arms..my whole life..Lord i don't wanna hold anyth back from you.you take all of ME Lord.all you've given me..my life..it's yours.and without you in my life..il never be complete.Lord if ur not my life,i don't know what i am.and this isn about religion is it?it's about Jesus.religion can't fulfill me.but relationship with Christ can.and i want this relationship to be more mindblowing than i can ever imagine,more life-bound than i could ever be commited to.wow.Lord,the things you could do with me.you're just holding me in your arms,never letting me go..and i know watever happens.this is your purpose for me Lord.right now i really wanna seek your calling for me.are you calling for a ministry shift?are you moving me from church into the marketplace,school?Lord if you have a bigger plan for me,please lay it out before me and walk with me through it.reveal these plans to me Father,so that i may be used by you for you in your time.oh God let me reach out to those who earnestly seek you.who long to fill the Godshaped hole and experience the power of the Holy Spirit in their lives too.God you continue to mould me and make me.bring me closer to You..that i may know you and worship you in spirit and in truth all the days of my life.i love you Lord.i love you as much as my body spirit and soul can manage to.thank you for running to me and snatching me back,forgiving my ungratefulness and restoring my strength in your awesome power.empower me oh God!!(:
in JESUS NAME I PRAY,
AMEN. ¶ 1:46 AM 0 comments
...dear God.im tired,im weary..im dying of hunger,but mostly im dying of thirst.i cannot live without you any longer Lord..i cannot survive in this desert..this world that is devoid of your nourishing power as it rejects your love and turns towards the devil.and Lord if i am falling away from you,who else am i falling into but the devil's clutches Lord..who else is there prowling like a roaring lion, waiting to steal kill and destroy me as i step out of your protective hold?that night at FOP father,i closed my eyes and wondered how i cld ever worship you in the state i was in,the state that was empty,dry and of the world..the world you love but the world whose sin you detest.and the more i let myself enter this world..and the more i allow myself to be a part of it and apart from you..the more you cannot reach me Lord,the larger the barrier i put up that prevents me from experiencing your blessing.oh God but i know you love me.and i know that you will save me if i cry out for your help..because i want back Lord.i want back.i don't want to linger without purpose and belief on this lonely planet any longer..a desert where im dying to drink..yet i deny myself that drink.i miss the Bible..i miss being able to just dwell in your presence and be saturated with your love,your peace and your joy.your immense joy Lord.i long to be back where you are.to just soar with you,to be given strength,to trust in you and walk with you.all the days of my life.and right now i find myself limiting myself to mere happiness i find in friends,having a certain form of godliness but denying its power.iv traded my joy for happiness in these days Lord.iv demanded my share of blessing like a prodigal child,gone out far away from you and squandored all that blessing of good friends,laughter and pleasure.yet at the end of all this im only more empty than ever,out of control and totally screwing up everytime i make an attempt to coax myself back to the steering wheel.i keep crashing and wrecking my life,keep convincing myself iv found the key but nv finding my way back to where i need to go..which is you.i know i need you Lord.but i act as if i don't.im lonely,unfulfilled and unhappy.i find no joy in relationships.i get angry fast,and angrier faster.and that's because my most important relationship,with you,is not exactly very right right now.and God i really want to correct that error.i don't want to grow into the world and its sin.i want to grow seperate from the world and a part of your grace and glory.to live for you and to experience the purpose driven life.im tired of floating aimlessly day by day.i don't want to keep on searching for life's methods of living for today.if i ever want to live life to the fullest Lord,it's gotta be for YOU.help me change..bring me back to you and give me another chance.forgive me for the times iv succumbed to sin and uphold self-righteousness.for acting as if there's no God..im but a fool for that Lord.one major idol i have Lord,is my life.now i live to fulfill my own life.i live in the best ways i know how so that i can be satisfied with my life.im not just looking for a good life Lord.im looking for a great life.and it's only drawing me further and further from the calling you have made for me.to give up all right i have and follow Jesus.and all i do is horde treasure on earth and attach myself to my life here..and all that im meant to live for,which is so much more..is forsaken.i have forsaken your call and pryed myself away from you without even realizing how harmful my seemingly harmless actions can be..isn that what you warn us about Lord?that you never know where the devil might attack..because in this world there's more right than wrong,and what's wrong has become right in the world's eyes..and when such delusionment comes in masses..the devil uses this herd mentality to fool us Christians into believing that as long as everyone..and really..practically everyone everywhere around you..is doing it..it's so harmless in our eyes now that we just jump the bandwagon thinking it's perfectly normal...oh God we don't even know what's right and wrong any more Lord.the devil has erased those lines and it's even harder now to discern right from wrong..it's a great evil.and God i don't want to be a part of any of this.i have..and im ashamed of having not picked up the warning sensory signals of the Holy Spirit because i was too deafened by the cacophony of the world's music to hear you telling me that im inching that toe out from your protective umbrella..thinking it's okay even if i get a little wet from the essence of the world..that it won't hurt me.but it is a powerful evil Lord that sweeps this place.and it has lured me out in its harmless form as everyone's laughing and having a good clean time..evil has taken a clean form that is so easy to not see through.and im sorry for having even compromised my faith one bit Lord.just one tiny bit and i was almost lost forever into the crashing sea of sin and spiritual filth.i took my eyes off you Lord.i took my eyes off you and i started sinking.and now im scared Lord.but i have faith in you and i just want to let you know..that i want to come back.please save me Lord.save my soul.and may i grow closer to you..fill me with your Holy Spirit.grant me a generous portion of the Spirit's conscience.that i may be able to detect the wrong that has been disguised as right.that i may no longer walk unknowing in a land that is boobytrapped with pitfalls that the devil lays out without the covering of the Holy Spirit and the blood of Jesus Christ.God...please saturate me.and may i always worship you in spirit and in truth.let me not serve any one else but God.that i will have no other gods before you.You are my God,Lord.i want to live for you alone.
in Jesus' name i pray,Amen.
Love,Joanne. ¶ 9:02 PM 1 comments
it's about how vulnerable ppl are really.we were just talking randomly about how friendster is good for finding old friends,and i mentioned yeah if you want shocks abt how some ppl have gotten over the past few years.and then i mentioned sth about how joel chia acquired hotness,and after that daryl commented that ppl never really do change actually,along with their looks.and i said sth that made me doubleover with amazement that im not that stupid.i replied to his remark that it was when you recognized how similar these changed beings are to who they were years before do you then understand how vulnerable they really are.you see past all their exteriors build them up to be and even a passing glance in their eyes can tell you a load of story behind it all.and it leaves them looking small,scared and as confused as you are in the big big world.the big fishes in the small ponds start resembling small fishes in a big ocean when you look carefully and care to peek what lies beneath their polished outershells.i think what made me think of that in particular was the passing thought i had recently about how im beginning to see world-weariness in joel.i don't know,i don't even care about him much because we virtually don't know each other.but when i think abt him 7 years ago and i remember all he was then now,he becomes a kid before my eyes again and i see human fraility in him.this is a completely unfounded hypothesis,and not important either.i bet if someone foreign read this they'll think i like joel.stop being so uncreative.
and then again steph let me read charles' blog.i cannot give 2 hoots abt charles honestly,and charles if u ever read this and choose to hate me for the rest of ur life,im not trying to deface ur precious name or sth.it's not.listen to wat i have to say,if u find it of any importance.if u dun,too bad.yeah so i don't know why but steph mentioned charles and his blog today at cartel so i decided to have a looksee.expertly (expert at flipping quickly thru words thanks to great ex and great gatsby) reading all his viewable entries in about a minute,i stopped disliking charles for that one minute and started trying to see the guy who sits at his computer typing away at these entries.i put aside all bias,and felt his personality just flow through me.and it was rather moving.i think iv gone into some psychotic mode now,but on the other hand it was a serious moment for me.i actually let myself feel a bit of what charles had to share of himself in his blog.and it was like this minute of normal,not that egoistic boy.a real person,with real worth and human quality.that's what i call inner beauty man.even if charles doesn have a lot, or at least i haven found alot yet,watever he let go off of his inner self made me sit up and take notice that so many ppl drift through life surreal and unaffected,only to miss the very essence of the ppl they come into contact with.
and ppl like steph and me and possibly a lot more angsty teenagers spend their lives worrying about getting married and what NOT,i was watching an advertisement just now on channel 8 and it was about mentally disabled ppl.i mean seriously,the thought by the end of it was..this is it.we have to stop doing this.wat we worry about in our lives NOW have no substance in contrast to the vast majority of the world's burdens!these ppl will probably never get a chance to be with someone,to fall in love,to look fantastic and be loved for looking fantastic.what the hell,they don't get a chance to be what we all want to be secretly --stars in our own place.and what are we doing complaining and lamenting about being ugly or fat or simply inadequate in juxtaposition to the world? i don't know.i seriously don't know.we need to start looking at the essence of ppl,who they truly are inside,and stop putting up the worldy barrier of judging someone based on looks,even yourself.i tend to dislike good looking ppl for their major attitude problems.and i also tend to hold up that goody-2-shoes opinion that sometimes the not that good looking ppl are the best hearted.it's not fair to anyone then.even goodlooking ppl have hearts,have souls and some have God.many have consciences.many are just people,just kids,just as scared in a big world as i am,you are.we have to start feeling ppl from the inside out.not the outside in.
we've overlooked so many fellow brothers and sisters as we walk through life blindly.we make up our minds too fast,and change them too slow.we are bothered by the physical,but are too easily contented with what we presume is the mental,psychological and spiritual.we never give others,and sometimes even ourselves, a second chance.in bid to attain friendship and immediate happiness in our relationships,we forget to stop sitting comfortably with the ppl we call our friends laughing our lungs out,and instead fully immersing ourselves in the precious density of who they really are.
my friends,you probably want to know why i even bother thinking about you so deeply these days.why? because I love you.
looks like i haven't gone too out of point,really. ¶ 12:05 AM 0 comments
were my eyes closed
as i reached out for you
thought you had your arms outstretched
took strength from you
fell into you
was i frightened
was my heart beating too fast
as i held you so closely
unwilling to let you run away from me
cried upon your shoulder
shut my eyes
was i deafened
were my hands to my ears
as i listened to you cooing
thinking you were telling me you loved me
gave you my precious heart
i loved you
was i foolish
was my head taken as well
as i realized my heart was gone
and tried desperately to make you give it back
you didn't know you had it
i didn't dare to tell
am i lost forever
am i able to leave you behind
as i choose silence over truth
so you will walk beside me as far as you can
before she comes
and i go ¶ 1:13 AM 0 comments
that when i whisper your name
you cannot hear me
even when you're miles away
when i speak about you
only they can appreciate it
and when i pray for you
God knows but you don't
am i mere presence
a wind stirred by my passing
a kiss of sunshine upon your face
dropping like rain from the sky
falling down your cheek
a smear of water beads together
that when i laugh you hear music
faint and far away, imagined
because i hide myself away
hoping you won't find me
unless you looked for me
if you never realize i was gone
you'd never realize i was here
waiting, wondering
perhaps that look you held
when my eyes passed yours
meant that you saw me for a bit
before you turned away unflinching
because you heard some music in the wind. ¶ 3:27 AM 0 comments
things have been on my mind.im really questioning myself..my worth..my blessings.my God.
i really wanna make a difference.a change in my life.a God-made change.i think i really have to start focussing MORE on work tho.i have to say im not totally going bonkers over my work..which i should be.this week has been rather questionable.i see God's work.yet i also see my procrastination,my laziness in my work because iv been too caught up worrying.i guess i sld have just let God do his thing and also be more hardworking.im pretty guilty for the nights and mornings wasted doing practically nothing.such a SHAME.
but actually there are more things that shame me.especially myself.as in,im ashamed of the person i am,the qualities i withhold.the hurt iv brought to my friends because of my unwillingness to change..
the camp was an eye-opener to surrender.i don't think il ever forget the lessons taught.the messages given,the hands-on experience i had to deal with.......
and i begin to wonder,who have i hurt? who have i neglected,ignored..walked over? or simply not listened to?
there isn much time to do proper brooding over this..but i guess iv been really questioning the effect of God in life.as in,im the problem here.am i really doing what Jesus wld do?am i living a life worthy of Christ?
or am i just spouting empty promises,meaningless declarations of love? love,of the world,or of God?
to anyone out there that iv never really shown real care in ACTION,im sorry,but id really like to make a change to that.
yesterday i prayed for God to give me one more chance to somehow sort things out with meng.i didn't know what i wanted to say to him,but it just felt that we had so much unsaid.that i had to SAY SOMETHING and make him listen or sth.but,i never thought such a fervent prayer cld take such a drastic turn when i left it up to God.i prayed that God wld somehow let me talk to meng and give us a proper closure.or rather,the Thing a proper closure,not that i knew what i was to say or do.i actually trusted God for once.i tried very hard to surrender it 100%.cos it was taking up so much of my thoughtlife..my heart space..my talk time.and i wanted to DO MY WORK and get on with life.but i couldn't.
turns out..i did get that chance.at the weirdest time of 'Tomorrow',which i prayed for the talking to happen.it happened at 2 plus in the early morning of TODAY..and i prayed so hard that i would speak the very words of God (1Peter4:11) ...and i tell ya,God's never solved a problem better.turns out i wasn to SAY much..i was to LISTEN.it was that chance God gave me to really show love in action.my first time having to care and listen to meng instead of the other way round..God's medication,really.i never expected He worked so fast and cut short all the steps.because in the midst of listening and trying hard not to give opinion..well,i found our friendship back to where we liked it..and that it was all over.
just.like.that.
you know i really have to thank my dearest friends.robyn,rachel.
but mainly robyn,as you can see from my tagboard..ah.
i love my leafy friend.God's really using her to simplify my life,a great meng alternative.not that either is good or bad,higher or lower.but i mean,i hope you get the idea robyn.i really really do appreciate everyth you've done for me.and i think about how unlovely i am,in terms of person..how unnerving i can get.but you STILL stick by me and let me lean on you even if it's 4 a.m. in the morning.this reminds me of a really good quote.about how it is the friends you can call at 4 a.m. in the morning that count.and she's definitely one of those friends.i love you baby.
and rachel,another 4 a.m. buddy.always the quiet understanding one.the one with her own opinion but keeps it from me if im ranting and let's me say whatever i want and try to integrate her opinion into mine.someone who shows quiet love,a silent acceptance for a friend and true loyalty in every aspect.and i guess i do overlook that fact,step on her toes while she lets me,nag at her and never really listen to her stories (even though they can get long-winded ;) ) but the crux of the matter,is that she allows me to be everyth she's not.she listens to me,i don't always have a heart to listen fully to her,but she still lets me talk.she tries to understand me,i only guess that i understand her too well and dismiss her issues without much thought sometimes..but she still bothers to try to solve my problems.im an ungrateful creep.but im proud of THIS COOL FRIEND OF MINE.
and the subject matter of the whole time,meng.sigh.you.i wrote a lot of things down to say to you,never got to tell you and don't think there's any need to anymore..but i just hope that through all things we have to endure,i thank you for putting so much faith in me,showing me so much mercy and forgiveness.really letting me have my way.but i think that iv really shown a lot a lot of ugliness of character to you,and i pray i haven't opened any profound wounds that take years to heal.and as i was looking through our camp photos just now and realized that ur this really happy guy stuck with this really unhappy girl,it makes me feel blessed.like,wow,God,this is an extremely odd pairing of friends.usually my best friends are like,something along my line of thinking.along my line of erratic behaviour.but suddenly you come along and like,knock me over and change the many many things iv come to believe.the truth,the lies,the disillusions,the prejudices.no guy has ever come close to challenging me as a person with my stubborn (VERY STUBBORN,right?) mindsets and causing me to challenge myself,my walk with God even!ur lucky number one!if there's anyth God wants us to get out of this relationship,it's definitely life-changing.and i want to be a good friend,something you have been but i clearly haven't.last night,or rather,this morning's session is just the beginning of the next stage of being buddies in Christ! or the end really,the end of the Thing.
"What we call the beginning is often the end, and to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we should start from."
T.S. Eliot, The Four Quartets ¶ 8:40 PM 0 comments
