i may just be sinking back into my own space,instead of trying to burst out in confidence and belief that everything's going to be okay.so many things ppl say just push me back into the hole and im beginning to feel inadequacy and ugliness all over again.it's the small things.

the small things ppl mention or do that scream incompetence in my face.and it just shakes me up inside and i can imagine the whole mountain of self-belief crumbling away.i don't know.i probably can never escape what ppl view me as.and they're getting bolder.iv heard the same things a million times.and everytime i hear it its like,old news,but i can't seem to think of a way to counter it and fight for myself.because maybe i don't even like what i am,was,will be.never will be?

it's the same old paradox.strong jonk,weak joanne.i don't even know which one is real and which one facade.false belief.no one notices the difference.that i am not as hot-headed and strong-willed as i appear to be,and actually am just a small little girl inside who has never found standing basis to love herself.and on the other hand i really do love God,who loves me.but i compromise like crazy but still can't find much reason to see myself as normal.like any other teen.it so pisses me off to tears sometimes.

everyone's always out partying somewhere with loads of friends,and honestly i feel that im alone alot.and it's like staring in my face that im living such a loser lifestyle but i refuse to admit it because the strong jonk part is acting up again.and then i try grabbing hold of whatever,whoever i think is close to me,and forget that they have their own circles,their own lives to deal with.and i have no reason to be part of it.im not fit for the role,or something.

but then there's God.there's God who loves me like nobody's business and all i do is whine and complain that no one out there loves me for who i am,when He does.and i think it's no big deal it's God God loves everyone ladida,and so on.which is so unfair to God cos His love is really special for me.it's ungrateful of me.but with all my heart i admit openly to God that i think i need a little more to make up for what i don't have.

total retardation.

strong jonk,weak joanne.you say one thing and i break.

say another,and im back on my feet and ready to blast off.

what can i say?ignore me.  ¶ 11:49 PM 0 comments

  blind/lifehouse I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
and still I have the pain I have to carry
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

after all this time
would you ever wanna leave it
maybe you could not believe it
that my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you will ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
and I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me dies when I let you go

*****

this is the song i listened to as the bus i was on drove out of baojing.in remembrance of our friendships with the china ppl.i love you guys exceedingly abundantly.

basically like crazy.

merry christmas,over.  ¶ 1:01 AM 0 comments