20060617
beautiful in God's eyes,i want GOD'S EYES.
mugging season is full blown,though i have to admit im barely caught in it.im finding myself with pockets of wasted time in my day.and sometimes these pockets grow huge.
things have been on my mind.im really questioning myself..my worth..my blessings.my God.
i really wanna make a difference.a change in my life.a God-made change.i think i really have to start focussing MORE on work tho.i have to say im not totally going bonkers over my work..which i should be.this week has been rather questionable.i see God's work.yet i also see my procrastination,my laziness in my work because iv been too caught up worrying.i guess i sld have just let God do his thing and also be more hardworking.im pretty guilty for the nights and mornings wasted doing practically nothing.such a SHAME.
but actually there are more things that shame me.especially myself.as in,im ashamed of the person i am,the qualities i withhold.the hurt iv brought to my friends because of my unwillingness to change..
the camp was an eye-opener to surrender.i don't think il ever forget the lessons taught.the messages given,the hands-on experience i had to deal with.......
and i begin to wonder,who have i hurt? who have i neglected,ignored..walked over? or simply not listened to?
there isn much time to do proper brooding over this..but i guess iv been really questioning the effect of God in life.as in,im the problem here.am i really doing what Jesus wld do?am i living a life worthy of Christ?
or am i just spouting empty promises,meaningless declarations of love? love,of the world,or of God?
to anyone out there that iv never really shown real care in ACTION,im sorry,but id really like to make a change to that.
yesterday i prayed for God to give me one more chance to somehow sort things out with meng.i didn't know what i wanted to say to him,but it just felt that we had so much unsaid.that i had to SAY SOMETHING and make him listen or sth.but,i never thought such a fervent prayer cld take such a drastic turn when i left it up to God.i prayed that God wld somehow let me talk to meng and give us a proper closure.or rather,the Thing a proper closure,not that i knew what i was to say or do.i actually trusted God for once.i tried very hard to surrender it 100%.cos it was taking up so much of my thoughtlife..my heart space..my talk time.and i wanted to DO MY WORK and get on with life.but i couldn't.
turns out..i did get that chance.at the weirdest time of 'Tomorrow',which i prayed for the talking to happen.it happened at 2 plus in the early morning of TODAY..and i prayed so hard that i would speak the very words of God (1Peter4:11) ...and i tell ya,God's never solved a problem better.turns out i wasn to SAY much..i was to LISTEN.it was that chance God gave me to really show love in action.my first time having to care and listen to meng instead of the other way round..God's medication,really.i never expected He worked so fast and cut short all the steps.because in the midst of listening and trying hard not to give opinion..well,i found our friendship back to where we liked it..and that it was all over.
just.like.that.
you know i really have to thank my dearest friends.robyn,rachel.
but mainly robyn,as you can see from my tagboard..ah.
i love my leafy friend.God's really using her to simplify my life,a great meng alternative.not that either is good or bad,higher or lower.but i mean,i hope you get the idea robyn.i really really do appreciate everyth you've done for me.and i think about how unlovely i am,in terms of person..how unnerving i can get.but you STILL stick by me and let me lean on you even if it's 4 a.m. in the morning.this reminds me of a really good quote.about how it is the friends you can call at 4 a.m. in the morning that count.and she's definitely one of those friends.i love you baby.
and rachel,another 4 a.m. buddy.always the quiet understanding one.the one with her own opinion but keeps it from me if im ranting and let's me say whatever i want and try to integrate her opinion into mine.someone who shows quiet love,a silent acceptance for a friend and true loyalty in every aspect.and i guess i do overlook that fact,step on her toes while she lets me,nag at her and never really listen to her stories (even though they can get long-winded ;) ) but the crux of the matter,is that she allows me to be everyth she's not.she listens to me,i don't always have a heart to listen fully to her,but she still lets me talk.she tries to understand me,i only guess that i understand her too well and dismiss her issues without much thought sometimes..but she still bothers to try to solve my problems.im an ungrateful creep.but im proud of THIS COOL FRIEND OF MINE.
and the subject matter of the whole time,meng.sigh.you.i wrote a lot of things down to say to you,never got to tell you and don't think there's any need to anymore..but i just hope that through all things we have to endure,i thank you for putting so much faith in me,showing me so much mercy and forgiveness.really letting me have my way.but i think that iv really shown a lot a lot of ugliness of character to you,and i pray i haven't opened any profound wounds that take years to heal.and as i was looking through our camp photos just now and realized that ur this really happy guy stuck with this really unhappy girl,it makes me feel blessed.like,wow,God,this is an extremely odd pairing of friends.usually my best friends are like,something along my line of thinking.along my line of erratic behaviour.but suddenly you come along and like,knock me over and change the many many things iv come to believe.the truth,the lies,the disillusions,the prejudices.no guy has ever come close to challenging me as a person with my stubborn (VERY STUBBORN,right?) mindsets and causing me to challenge myself,my walk with God even!ur lucky number one!if there's anyth God wants us to get out of this relationship,it's definitely life-changing.and i want to be a good friend,something you have been but i clearly haven't.last night,or rather,this morning's session is just the beginning of the next stage of being buddies in Christ! or the end really,the end of the Thing.
"What we call the beginning is often the end, and to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we should start from."
T.S. Eliot, The Four Quartets ¶ 8:40 PM
things have been on my mind.im really questioning myself..my worth..my blessings.my God.
i really wanna make a difference.a change in my life.a God-made change.i think i really have to start focussing MORE on work tho.i have to say im not totally going bonkers over my work..which i should be.this week has been rather questionable.i see God's work.yet i also see my procrastination,my laziness in my work because iv been too caught up worrying.i guess i sld have just let God do his thing and also be more hardworking.im pretty guilty for the nights and mornings wasted doing practically nothing.such a SHAME.
but actually there are more things that shame me.especially myself.as in,im ashamed of the person i am,the qualities i withhold.the hurt iv brought to my friends because of my unwillingness to change..
the camp was an eye-opener to surrender.i don't think il ever forget the lessons taught.the messages given,the hands-on experience i had to deal with.......
and i begin to wonder,who have i hurt? who have i neglected,ignored..walked over? or simply not listened to?
there isn much time to do proper brooding over this..but i guess iv been really questioning the effect of God in life.as in,im the problem here.am i really doing what Jesus wld do?am i living a life worthy of Christ?
or am i just spouting empty promises,meaningless declarations of love? love,of the world,or of God?
to anyone out there that iv never really shown real care in ACTION,im sorry,but id really like to make a change to that.
yesterday i prayed for God to give me one more chance to somehow sort things out with meng.i didn't know what i wanted to say to him,but it just felt that we had so much unsaid.that i had to SAY SOMETHING and make him listen or sth.but,i never thought such a fervent prayer cld take such a drastic turn when i left it up to God.i prayed that God wld somehow let me talk to meng and give us a proper closure.or rather,the Thing a proper closure,not that i knew what i was to say or do.i actually trusted God for once.i tried very hard to surrender it 100%.cos it was taking up so much of my thoughtlife..my heart space..my talk time.and i wanted to DO MY WORK and get on with life.but i couldn't.
turns out..i did get that chance.at the weirdest time of 'Tomorrow',which i prayed for the talking to happen.it happened at 2 plus in the early morning of TODAY..and i prayed so hard that i would speak the very words of God (1Peter4:11) ...and i tell ya,God's never solved a problem better.turns out i wasn to SAY much..i was to LISTEN.it was that chance God gave me to really show love in action.my first time having to care and listen to meng instead of the other way round..God's medication,really.i never expected He worked so fast and cut short all the steps.because in the midst of listening and trying hard not to give opinion..well,i found our friendship back to where we liked it..and that it was all over.
just.like.that.
you know i really have to thank my dearest friends.robyn,rachel.
but mainly robyn,as you can see from my tagboard..ah.
i love my leafy friend.God's really using her to simplify my life,a great meng alternative.not that either is good or bad,higher or lower.but i mean,i hope you get the idea robyn.i really really do appreciate everyth you've done for me.and i think about how unlovely i am,in terms of person..how unnerving i can get.but you STILL stick by me and let me lean on you even if it's 4 a.m. in the morning.this reminds me of a really good quote.about how it is the friends you can call at 4 a.m. in the morning that count.and she's definitely one of those friends.i love you baby.
and rachel,another 4 a.m. buddy.always the quiet understanding one.the one with her own opinion but keeps it from me if im ranting and let's me say whatever i want and try to integrate her opinion into mine.someone who shows quiet love,a silent acceptance for a friend and true loyalty in every aspect.and i guess i do overlook that fact,step on her toes while she lets me,nag at her and never really listen to her stories (even though they can get long-winded ;) ) but the crux of the matter,is that she allows me to be everyth she's not.she listens to me,i don't always have a heart to listen fully to her,but she still lets me talk.she tries to understand me,i only guess that i understand her too well and dismiss her issues without much thought sometimes..but she still bothers to try to solve my problems.im an ungrateful creep.but im proud of THIS COOL FRIEND OF MINE.
and the subject matter of the whole time,meng.sigh.you.i wrote a lot of things down to say to you,never got to tell you and don't think there's any need to anymore..but i just hope that through all things we have to endure,i thank you for putting so much faith in me,showing me so much mercy and forgiveness.really letting me have my way.but i think that iv really shown a lot a lot of ugliness of character to you,and i pray i haven't opened any profound wounds that take years to heal.and as i was looking through our camp photos just now and realized that ur this really happy guy stuck with this really unhappy girl,it makes me feel blessed.like,wow,God,this is an extremely odd pairing of friends.usually my best friends are like,something along my line of thinking.along my line of erratic behaviour.but suddenly you come along and like,knock me over and change the many many things iv come to believe.the truth,the lies,the disillusions,the prejudices.no guy has ever come close to challenging me as a person with my stubborn (VERY STUBBORN,right?) mindsets and causing me to challenge myself,my walk with God even!ur lucky number one!if there's anyth God wants us to get out of this relationship,it's definitely life-changing.and i want to be a good friend,something you have been but i clearly haven't.last night,or rather,this morning's session is just the beginning of the next stage of being buddies in Christ! or the end really,the end of the Thing.
"What we call the beginning is often the end, and to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we should start from."
T.S. Eliot, The Four Quartets ¶ 8:40 PM
