a deliberate attempt to be emancipated! I moved over to a breath of new space(:  ¶ 12:36 AM 0 comments

  Dimensional Insanity My life can start from a million places. I realize this whenever I'm on a crowded bus standing precariously alone, or maybe when I'm quarrelling with someone and I'm so damn angry I'm just wondering how anyone else can live this way. My story always has to start like this -- a dramatic solitude, a shattering dose of reality.

Today I'm experiencing none of such, instead I'm just sitting on the same rough red chair I've been studying on for as long as we've lived in this house, at my computer, typing this. What else can I do online besides nothing? I'm listening to the same song I've been since yesterday feeling increasingly upset that I cannot relate to what she's singing about - love - what else can songs be written about? These days I'm floating in and out of nonchalence, I tell someone on the instant messenger. When I'm strong, powerful in my head, I don't care if I haven't got a boy to save me, because I wouldn't need him. I don't need anyone on those days. But then there's the rest of the week, such as today, when half-empty lyrics force me into a hole of depression that most things at my age come in pairs.

How long am I going to breathe normally before you come along? How long more before I will have to cry my tears for you because I think I love you? Jealousy, passionate anger, long moments of weakness and even longer moments of strength, all because of you. And then I'll take a deep look backwards into the future, and my life would have been pulled out of its delicate proportion all because right now, I don't have a clue who you are.  ¶ 10:24 PM 0 comments

  the pursuit of happyness before i start human geog again,was thinking about the times in my life when i wished time would stop..in the pursuit of happiness.as the new will smith movie says.oh well.hana kimi rocks btw,quan is like,a wangleehom plus rain.which is extremely hot and handsome. (: whoopee.

times in my life when i found happyness to pursue..

1. racho and i would cycle to east coast macs and share wedges and green tea,talk all we want about all the emo shit we have.we'll also have all the time to play with the carnival toy machines and pick the stuff toys we want.we won't care that we only have each other and no boy then.we'll be the happiest singles together.

2. zwing and i would stroll along the track in the dark of night,singing A Whole New World and every other song we sing together..we'll take photos in the dark and sit at the far end of the field talking and laughing.il be listening to her and she won't have kumkay bugging her to go join him at the PE dept or sth.chook rocks la,but with zwing alone im more than happy.

3. josh and i would sit on his bed singing that lin jun jie song over and over again as yongliang snoozes on his bed next to us.we'll talk in whispers and laugh to ourselves as i keep forgetting my lines,and josh would have that endearing smile on his face while i wonder why on earth im singing a love song with a guy i can't possibly be in love with.it doesn't matter though,even if we're not in love unlike the song suggests,im happy.

4. meng would give me a call and we'll talk nonstop through the night saying things to annoy each other,making fun of typos we make and gossiping about sth or another.then il say some emo shit thing and we'll both get so serious.i might cry but meng wouldn't freak out,cos he never does.even if i cry he'll say something funny accidentally trying to make me stop,but i'll be happy nonetheless.

5. steph and i will be sitting in GP class laughing and laughing not so secretly as mr kan struggles to control his urge to kill us.she'll say something funny about jackie chan or pong or God knows which other love interest and ill be furiously shaking with muted laughter.then she'll take out her PE shirt and laugh into it,and its her highly infectious laughter that leaves me everlastingly happy in that moment.

6. trinette will be slightly moody as we cycle home.i'll take her to the park bench,where we'll sit down and have one of those good long talks as the sun sets.i'll probably be in PE attire and all tired out,but it feels great talking to her about things we rarely get to say in our busy lives.she'll tell me things she rarely tells people cos she's scared of what they'll think of her,but i'll be more than happy to listen and prove to her she means more to me than she knows or thinks.

7. either nicky or ben will be walking home after church with me.we'll go to the shell station,and either one of us will treat the other to some junk food item we know we'll regret eating.then we'll slowly walk home,me in high heels and him walking too fast.we'll talk about stuff..all sorts..funny stuff..mummy and her antics.who knows.we'll be eating chips we can't see cos there's barely any light left in the sky and sooner or later one of us will say sth really funny and we'll laugh out loud into the night.maybe we'll sing.im happy when i sing with someone,even my brothers.

8. robyn and i will be on bus 67,which means she'll get off with me at my bus stop to wait for 24 instead of taking 28 to payalebar mrt.on the bus we'll be talking about one of my exploits in school,or maybe rain.we'll probably be disturbing the whole bus giggling about our misadventures.today she's not messaging zheng at the same time but instead she's doing the story telling.i won't even feel left out not telling my stories cos hers would be so interesting.she'll probably do something retarded,robynish.she'll laugh her weird laugh and il be happy to point that out once again.

9. jon and i would be strolling on a beach somewhere.it's four a.m. in the morning and we're both kinda tired.but we're happy we've got each other to talk endlessly to.we won't be able to see a thing except the waves reflecting the moonlight..there's people sleeping on the beach all around us.we'll be holding hands,and i'll still be 2 years older than him.he's still acting gay/drama-mama and i'll be rolling my eyes and telling him how his haircut looks bad as usual,but i love the way he smiles with his dimples.spending rare time with him is always happy.

10. walking in the rain,might be with trinette,might be alone.whatever it is im more caught up with the fact that God's here in the rain,and i can't stop yelling and telling him how much i love him.as the rain pours down all over my face and i can barely see ahead of me,i push my bike against the wind and close my eyes thinking about how God's everywhere around me.if life on my own were a desert,God would be my much needed rain.he's not just happiness.he's joy.  ¶ 10:20 PM 0 comments

  the story so far, part 2 part 1 was about mrs chan and i blogged that in cosiety abt 2 hours ago.wth it's almost 12 and im only on question 2 of my maths rem ws,which i started 2 hours ago,too.

got distracted reading blogs.actually i was reading duane's blog because i decided to click on the link from my blog,which i was on after listening to the edwin mccain version of i'll be for the thousandth time.after oliver sang it for solo musicfest audits on tuesday,whoever was present from a14 hasn't been the same again.omg i need a guy who can sing like that.i quote steph partially "marry me oliver!!!!".partially because it definitely doesn't have to be oliver if the guy who isn oliver can sing like oliver.and also because i don't think oliver and i know more than 0.01% of each other.

besides the point that i brazenly spent valentine's day doing nothing cept watching what i presumed was a romantic korean movie called windstruck but wasn't really blown away like i was with 'a moment to remember',where i distinctively rmb 2 moments of me crying my heart out watching son ye jin and the extremely hot jung woo sung be sad over each other.

oh but whatever the case is,i realize how detached i am from most of my friends' lives.its like we're all friends but i have not much of a clue of how they function.we just talk when we have to,laugh like we've been great friends for ages,yet go on by without really knowing who they are when you're not together.it's amazing.the beautiful oblivion that leaves me wondering what the hell friendship is about really.i don't really know what rachel's up to most of the time,and i can live weeks without seeing zwing.i talk to robyn only once a week.

i repeat what i just said to k square: omg,im blogging.

i don't know what's been going on with my life either.i feel like sending a msg to myself saying what's up? and i'll have no clue.i just know that iv been spending my hnf-less days (liberation,hallelujah!) coming home early or hanging out in sch listening to musicfest wannabes like the divine oliver (i mean,his voice) with my darling a14 ppl.i have a list of 10 korean movies i want to watch,and iv watched 4 already i think.a list of unending school things i have to do.common tests to sit for.

iv been studying hard,as of today.after cycling with rachel ho last night till like 1130 (i wld have gladly stayed up more but i didn't have the house keys) and wondering whether the guys in my class really hate me with her,i came home and slept and woke up this morning only to go back to sleep half an hour later till 1245. then i woke up and ate chocolate for lunch,bathed and started studying geog till 4 sth.was supposed to go for felcomv2 meeting by 5,but my parents returned home from who knows where and i decided to wait for dinner and study econs.so i did,and robyn i think almost killed me for not showing.

anyhow.watched xmen3 till 9 30 and the dreaded computer has resulted in me still being awake at this hour instead of trying to do more work with my life.i seem to have lost the ability to do anything,as of today,cept work.and i still feel empty.like,i need more work.

wth?  ¶ 11:37 PM 0 comments

  for those who suffer.

All of us suffer. All of us have adversity. All of us are hurt in one way or another and at the most inconvenient time. The point is, do we let our suffering or adversity knocks us out. We are knocked out: when we keep on complaining about life’s injustices, when we recount the unhappy events in our mind over and over again, when we become bitter, when we seek revenge, when we are imprisoned by these events. Yes, we can be knocked down by adversity or suffering, but we have to bounce back and move on. Again and again! We must never allow these events to chain us to the past. We have to develop the courage to spring up fighting again and again at life’s challenges. We can take up our cross and remain brave and still caring and thus add a fuller meaning to our life here on earth. This is a triumph of our spirit. This is real success in life.

All of us think of our suffering as unique and private. But what is most private is also most universal. People have been there and gone through the same suffering. What can we learn from them so that we are prepared? What must we plan ahead to understand? What can we do, to better prepare ourselves to handle the crisis?

I think the following advance preparations are useful:

1. Ask “What” instead of “Why”

2. See what Jesus says about “Who is responsible for our suffering?”

3. Learn from Jesus’ suffering.

4. Accept the miracles at His time and in His way

5. Call ourselves to make that quantum leap in our faith.

6. Equip ourselves to help, comfort and counsel others

---------------------------------------

1. Ask “What” instead of “Why”
When adversity or suffering strikes, it consists of two main events:
(1) The cause--Why? and
(2) Our response.
By instinct, most of us want to figure out the cause of our pain before we decide how to respond. The first question we naturally ask is “Why?” Why God? Why me? Why now? Why is this happening to me? Why am I being punished? Why does God allow this to happen to me? Why am I having such a difficult time? We ask the “why” over and over again. We will find that we can never get a satisfactory answer from our “Why” question. In fact if we go on and not change direction we will end up being angry and bitter with God, fate, whatever.

At some point we have no choice but to change our focus and ask “What.” Now that the adversity, suffering, pain or hardship has occurred, what must I do? What can I learn from this experience? What did I learn from this experience that will help me to move forward? What are the hidden promises in this suffering? What are the buried treasured messages? What must I seek and find? What faith must I cultivate? When we refocus on the “what” of our response, we are more likely to find solutions to our problems.

All of us react to suffering as something uninvited, undesirable and unwelcome. But every suffering or pain we experience is the kind that normally comes to anyone. Pain and suffering are part and parcel of living in the world and Christians are not exempted. But, when we turn to Jesus, Jesus promises that He will help us and He will work WITH us to turn the suffering and pain round for our good. The external circumstances (the pain, the suffering, the hardship or the adversity) may not change BUT our internal attitude and response to them will certainly change. As Christians, we are all challenged to discover the element of good in our suffering in order to promote our spiritual growth and to build our character. With our finite mind, we may not be able to see what possible “good” could ever come out from our suffering. But in His infinite wisdom, God promises to take “all things” including suffering, abuses, evil things, and turn them round for good as “in all things God works for good with those who love Him.” (Romans 8:28 TEV) God also promises that He will never leave us nor abandon us. He says, “I will never leave you; I will never abandon you.”(Hebrew 13:5 TEV) and “I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20 NKJV) “I will never turn away anyone who comes to Me” (John 6:37 TEV) We have to learn to hear with our inner ears and hearts to these comforting phases of “I will.” We can take God at His Word that He will help us, comfort us, strengthen us and support us through our adversity and suffering.

Yes, the way we respond to adversity or suffering will determine whether life's most painful experiences bring bitterness, resentment and despair or become a source of blessing and hope, which makes us better, grateful people.2. See what Jesus says about “Who is responsible for our suffering?”

The clearest insight into this question appears in Luke chapter 13 (NJB). Jesus was asked about two “current events” that prompted much local discussion. One was an act of political oppression, in which Pilate had killed members of a religious minority, while they were offering sacrifices to God; the other, a construction accident that killed eighteen people. Jesus answered and said to them, “Do you suppose that these Galileans were worse sinners than any others, that this should have happened to them? They were not, I tell you. No; but unless you repent you will all perish as they did. Or those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell, killing them all? Do you suppose that they were more guilty than all other people living in Jerusalem? They were not, I tell you. No; but unless you repent you will all perish as they did.”(v 2-5) Jesus did not fully answer the question most in their mind---the cause of the suffering. Jesus answers from above to the questions raised from below. His answer from above is about spiritual death. Physical death should alert us to our spiritual death and unless we repent we will spiritually perish like them. When we witness death, it is a call for repentance, a call for a radical change of our hearts, a call for us to turn to God, a call for conversion and a call to be reborn from above.

Jesus does not explain, “Here’s why those two tragedies occurred.” But He makes one thing clear---they occurred not as a result of any specific wrongdoing of the victims. So no grieving relative need to stand around wondering what brought about calamities; Jesus makes it plain that the victims had done nothing unusual to deserve their fates. They were the same as other people. They were sinners but no worse than other people. But Jesus did not stop there. He uses both tragedies to point to the eternal truths relevant to everyone---“unless you repent you will all perish as they did.” Jesus implies that we “bystanders” of catastrophes have as much to learn from the events as do the victims. A tragedy should alert us to make ourselves ready in case we are the next victims. Catastrophes thus join together victims and bystanders in a call to repentance, by abruptly reminding us of the brevity of life.

But in verse 11 “there before Him was a woman who for eighteen years had been possessed by a spirit that crippled her” and Jesus healed her and declared that Satan had caused her the pain; ”this woman, a daughter of Abraham whom Satan has held bound these eighteen years---was it not right to untie this bond on the Sabbath day?” (v 16)

Sometimes our illness could be due to our sins, as mentioned by Jesus in His healing of the paralyzed man. “Then behold, men brought on a bed a man who was paralyzed, whom they sought to bring in and lay before Him. And when they could not find how they might bring him in, because of the crowd, they went up on the housetop and let him down with his bed through the tiling into the midst before Jesus. When He saw their faith, He said to him, ‘Man, your sins are forgiven you.’"(Luke 5:18-20 NKJV)

But Jesus makes it absolutely clear that often our suffering has nothing to do with our sin or our parents’ sin. Jesus’ disciples asked Him when they saw a man who was blind since birth: “’Teacher, whose sin caused him to be born blind? Was it his own or his parents’ sin?’ Jesus answered, ‘His blindness has nothing to do with his sin or his parents’ sin. He is blind so that God’s power might be seen at work in him.’” (John 9:2-3 TEV) Here, Jesus teaches His disciples that suffering is no longer tied to sin and punishment. This is a very radical and new concept because all through the Old Testament there is this connection between suffering and sin! And practically all of us still keep making that connection. The enormity of our human suffering is caused not only by physical and emotional pain, but also by our deep sense of guilt attached to the suffering. Jesus radically and definitely disconnected suffering from sin and guilt. He did this in His own person. He who was without sin suffered the most and so broke the fatal connection between suffering and sin.

The best clue we have into how God feels about human pain is to look at Jesus’ response. He never gave an individual or a suffering person a speech about “accepting your lot in life,” or “taking the medicine that God has given you.” or “you must have done something to deserve this.” He seemed unusually sensitive to the groans of suffering people, and set about remedying them. And He used His supernatural powers to heal, never to punish. 3. Learn from Jesus’ suffering?

Jesus learned about hardship, rejection and betrayal. When Jesus first began His ministry, the people hooted, "Can anything good come from Nazareth?" Jesus' neighbors once ran Him out of town and tried to kill Him. The leaders of the day proudly announced that not one authority or religious leader believed in Him. He was rejected, lonely, tired, hungry, personally assaulted by Satan and persecuted by powerful enemies. Yet, when He met people in pain, He was deeply moved with compassion. Not once did He say, "Endure your pain! Swallow your grief!" When Jesus' friend Lazarus died, He wept. Very often, every time He was directly asked, He healed the pain. Sometimes He broke deep-rooted customs to do so, as when He healed a woman who had a spirit of infirmity for eighteen years on the Sabbath day or when he touched outcasts, ignoring their cries of "Unclean!" And Jesus suffers pain when He has an accuser slap His face, a whip lashed across His back, and an iron spike pound through muscle, tendon, and bone. The cross was a picture of torment and suffocation to death, stretching for hours in front of a jeering crowd. The pattern of Jesus' response should convince us that God is not a God who enjoys seeing us suffer.

Because of Jesus, God experiences, truly experiences, our human pain. Our tears become His tears. He suffers with us. He suffers for us. He shares our pain and suffering. He is our companion in suffering. We have not been left alone in our suffering. God understands our suffering and He will not allow it to be wasted. "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."(Hebrews 4:15-16 NKJV) We have a high priest who, having graduated from the school of suffering, understands us, "Since He Himself is weak in many ways, He is able to be gentle with those who are ignorant and make mistakes.” (Hebrews 5:2 TEV)

Jesus elevated suffering, transformed it, gave it power, and considers the pain of each member of the human race His pain. So much so that when I alleviate the pain of my brother, or am compassionate with his life, Jesus considers this done to Him, “whenever you did this for one of the least important of these followers of Mine, you did it for Me!” (Matthew 25:40 TEV)4. Accept the miracles At His time and in His way We must learn to accept the fact that Jesus will work His miracles at His pace and time and in His way. The story of Lazarus (John 11:1-44 NJB) demonstrated this very clearly.

Lazarus was sick and “the sisters sent this message to Jesus, ’Lord, the man you love is ill’” (John 11:3). The implication is that they wanted Jesus to heal him. Jesus heard their prayer and delayed answering. “Yet when he heard that he was ill He stayed where He was for two more days” (John 11:6). Lazarus, Mary and Martha are the people whom Jesus loves and stay with often, still adversity happened to them. Bad things do happen even to those whom Jesus loves! Three times in this chapter we are told that Jesus loves Lazarus. (John 11:3,5,36) Why does He allow Mary and Martha or us to suffer? Sometime there is a greater purpose to suffering than for God to end our suffering. Suffering develops our faith in Him.

Why does Jesus delay? One reason for His delay is for us to come to have complete faith in Him. Jesus’ delay in answering our prayers is never due to indifference or an inability to act. His delays and His Ways can be confusing because the process God uses to accomplish His will can go against our human logic and common sense. His delay has as its purpose the development of our trust in Him and for our good.

Lazarus was dead for four days. For four days Mary and Martha were in agony and in hopeless and helpless grief over the death of their loved one, Lazarus. Why does Jesus allow such grief to the people He loves? Jesus did not enjoy in the least seeing His loved ones suffer. In fact, “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). But Jesus’ focus was on the big picture and the purpose of God that would be accomplished. It took one day to travel to where Jesus was to inform Him that Lazarus was sick. By the time Jesus was informed Lazarus was already dead. Jesus knew that God would be glorified to a far greater extent by the resurrection of Lazarus. Jesus knew that His disciples, as well as Mary and Martha, would experience quantum leap in faith because He resurrected Lazarus.

What reasons do we need before we will develop a deep faith in Jesus? Do we believe intellectually, based on what the Bible says that God has the power to answer our prayer but lack the personal faith to believe that God will exercise it now on our behalf? Before Jesus could work His miracle, He has to challenge Martha to demonstrate her faith through sheer obedience to His command to “take away the stone” (John 11:39). Had Martha argued and not removed the stone, there would have been no miracle of the resurrection of Lazarus. What are the stones Jesus commands us to remove?

Jesus commands us:

to remove the stones of doubt

to remove the stones of rage

to remove the stones of fear

to remove the stones of unforgiveness

to remove the stones of unkindness

to remove the stones of hypocrisy

to remove the stones of nagging tongue

to remove the stones of revenge

to remove the stones of envy

to remove the stones of pride

to remove the stones of iniquity

to remove the stones of jealousy

to remove the stones of selfishness

to remove the stones of self-pity,before He will work His miracles on us.

The story of Lazarus is a story of faith and the necessity of placing that faith in Jesus for the miracle to happen.5. Suffering calls us to make that quantum leap in our faith.

No one wants suffering

No one likes suffering

No one seeks suffering

No one enjoys suffering

No one looks forward to suffering

We do not welcome suffering and pain. Neither did Jesus want suffering. He prayed, ”My Father, if it is possible, take this cup of suffering from Me! Yet not what I want, but what You want.” (Matthew 26:39 TEV) “In great anguish He prayed even more fervently; His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.”(Luke 22:44 TEV) In His suffering, “An angel from heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him.”(Luke 22:43 TEV) So too, we need faith, family and friends to be ministering angels to us. We also need Jesus to strengthen us in our suffering.

When I am overtaken by sickness or adversity I must seek whatever remedies the world affords me. But, will I be tempting God’s divine providence, if I don’t do my best to find a solution? Doesn’t my best mean that I must not be lazy or apathetic or slovenly in my attempts? Thus, I must act and do whatever I can---use my intelligence, experience, consult doctors, family, friends, Internet, experts, prayers and whatever God has put within my reach---and then calmly endure and patiently await the outcome. If God sees fit to cure my sickness or to overcome my adversity I will thank Him joyfully. But if, on the other hand, He permits the sickness or the adversity to persist, I need to vigorously steel and battle myself to surrender to His will for me. Meanwhile, I must still maintain that faith and sing praises to the Lord and rejoice always in His kindness. In another word, pray fervently for the grace to act as Mother Teresa advises: “Accept whatever He gives---and give whatever He takes with a big smile.” (A Gift for God, 46) I have to believe that God will guide my life. I have to believe that joy can come amidst my suffering just as crushed grapes can produce delicious wine. I have to believe that God is preparing me to “bear much fruit” (John 15:2 TEV). Such an attitude is vital for my long term health and well being.

Suffering is God’s megaphone calling us to Him, calling us to make that quantum leap in our faith and trust in Him. For how do we know the “God of all comfort” if our faith has not been tested by the trials of suffering and pain? St Peter tells us, “Be glad about this, even though it may now be necessary for you to be sad for a while because of the many kinds of trials you suffer. Their purpose is to prove that your faith is genuine. Even gold, which can be destroyed, is tested by fire; and so your faith, which is much more precious than gold, must also be tested, so that it may endure. Then you will receive praise and glory and honor on the Day when Jesus Christ is revealed.”(1 Peter 1:6-7 TEV) Jesus reminds us that, “not one sparrow falls to the ground without your Father’s consent” and “you are worth much more than many sparrows!” (Matthew 10:29,31 TEV) We know that we are “children of God” (1 John 3:1 TEV), and that God is “always ready to help (us) in times of trouble” (Psalms 46:1 TEV), and nothing can come into our lives unless He allows it. We have to believe that with all our heart, and look about expectantly for what God is doing---in us or through us.

One reason why God allows us to have trials and adversity is for us to discover and learn for ourselves, through our own personal experience, "how very great is His power at work in us who believe." (Ephesians 1:19 TEV)

God allows suffering as one of the ways He grabs our attention to truly and fully turn to Him. We are therefore encouraged to continue to seek His comfort, His support and His strength. We are also encouraged not to view the present situation as one, which should only be endured until relief comes. We know that in our world, we learn to mature and grow through difficult, challenging and painful experiences. So, we have to face our suffering and we have to befriend our suffering. We have to patiently live through our suffering. We have to let our suffering bear fruit in our hearts.

God allows suffering to be a means of discipline through which faith, love, patience and grace may be cultivated in our lives. When we pray and let Jesus live near our hurts, we will learn how He uses our suffering to mould and draw us closer to Him. We can be sure that God in His divine purpose desires to bring about in us the greatest good because He loves us.

The great secret in life is that suffering can become a source of new hope and new life. We know: no hardened ground can bear fruit if it is not broken up by the plough; no grain can become bread if it is not ground and baked; and no rough diamond can be transformed to its true brilliance if it is not cut and polished. So, in like manner, if our hearts are hard like stone, it will not bear fruit; but our lives can be fruitful if our hearts are opened up and softened through suffering. Our hearts are then renewed to help others. 6. Equip us to Help, Comfort and Counsel others

If we want to be used by God, if we want to be “fully qualified and equipped to do every kind of good deed” (2 Timothy 3:17 TEV), we will have to travel the road of suffering at some point in our life. For how can anyone lead others out of the jungle if he has never been there? St Paul tells us that; “God helps us in all our troubles, so that we are able to help others who have all kinds of troubles, using the same help that we ourselves have received from God. Just as we have a share in Christ’s many sufferings, so also through Christ we share in God’s great help.”(2 Corinthians 1:4-5 TEV) “(God) comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.”(2 Corinthians 1:4-5 NIV) “He supports us in every hardship, so that we are able to come to the support of others, in every hardship of theirs because of the encouragement that we ourselves receive from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ overflow into our lives; so too does the encouragement we receive through Christ.” (2 Corinthians 1:4-5 NJB)

As Christians, we have been helped, comforted and supported by Jesus in our suffering. We are, therefore, called or challenged to make visible Jesus’ love for all suffering humanity, by helping, supporting, comforting and being patiently present to all suffering individuals who come our way. Indeed, we need to be ministering angels to one another, to give one another comfort, consolation, courage and strength to move on in life and not be locked in the prison of our past suffering, trial, pain and/or hardship.

However, in helping or comforting others, we must not forget what Mother Teresa says, “Don’t give in to discouragement. No more must you do so when you try to settle a marriage crisis or convert a sinner and don’t succeed. If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about people’s opinions. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. It is very difficult in practice because we all want to see the result of our work. Leave it to Jesus.” (Contemplative at the Heart of the World, 107) ----------------

To learn any lesson quickly remember the acronym: "ASK to SEE and LEARN the ACEs (main ideas) of whatever we are learning."

  ¶ 10:07 PM 0 comments

  boy diary if i'm not wrong the rain picture should finally be gone.i don't know why im blogging really.completely lost momentum and now i don't blog anymore.i don't write anyth anymore either.actually if i look back and consider how my life is going..im busy doing nothing.very busy,honest.but i don't seem productive.productive and not doing anything worth doing.i just know im always tired and there's a lot of homework.everybody probably is mugging away,or at least completely math tutorials..but all i'm doing is thinking about going for tuition to figure math out but never getting pass that stage of progress.

progress is the wrong word.

meng's birthday now.but i bet he's sleeping.how odd.it's meng's birthday.a thousand images are brought to mind.or rather,memories and what if's.i should wish him soon.

im too tired to care if rain's in sg and sleeping peacefully now.im also too ashamed of myself because ppl like rachel's melvin exist and are so super godly,it scares me.that's what i need to go back to being.God-crazy.not some fan of rain.

forget the rain,bring back the Son.

plus too many girls like rain.i shall just turn my attentions to sexy integration from now on.  ¶ 1:47 AM 0 comments

  a bit of a love poem there were many times i thought i loved you
i loved you when i thought i loved you
and i loved you even when i was convinced i didn't

you probably thought i only loved you sometimes
when i felt like it i loved you,
but most of the time i felt nothing else

maybe i might have only loved you and you alone
then again i loved you when you lost yourself
i could have loved you even if you weren't you

if you made me cry i wouldn't love you,
i said with my fingers crossed behind my back-
you knew tears could only mean i loved you

what did you do to make me love you
i tried not to ever love you the way i loved you
but i loved you before i fell in love with you

who were you that i should have loved you
i loved everything about you
loved the things you were and things you never were

maybe then i didn't really love you
because now i don't believe i loved you
but in my dreams i always loved you

i loved you all the time, i think
i loved you when you acted like you loved me
i loved you when you couldn't say you loved me

i loved you pretending i was too short to be seen
i loved you when you bent down so i could reach you
i loved you 'cause you agreed to hug me twice

i loved you being good to make me happy
i loved you despite you being bad but never telling me
i loved you because i knew you had no choice but to lie to me

i loved you when i could tell you loved me
i loved you even if i was completely bluffing myself
i loved you through my conscious and my sub-conscious

i loved you when you didn't dare to put your arm around me
i loved you more when you squeezed nearer to me instead
i loved you eventhough i wasn't thinking about you

i loved you and those dimples on your face
i loved you allowing me to hold your hand for hours
i loved you all the years you took to grow up

but no matter how much i remember loving you
i also remember hoping to stop loving you
praying our footprints in the sand would disappear

so what if i loved you when i ran my fingers
through your short brown hair, smiling
'cause you purposely left the gel out

did it matter that you were the only one to ever
say i meant more to you than i would know
and i knew then you were telling the truth?

we could have stayed up the whole night talking
your head resting bravely against my shoulder
voice low and trusting, unafraid

and i would have loved you more than anyone
but baby you never loved me once or twice yourself
yes, i love you, i love you, i love you;

but now i loved you.

-based on a few true stories.  ¶ 11:31 PM 0 comments

  You Said You said,
Ask and you will receive
Whatever you need
You said,
Pray and I'll hear from heaven
And I'll heal your land

You said
Your glory will fill the earth
Like water the sea
You said, Lift up your eyes
The harvest is here, the kingdom is near

You said,
Ask and I'll give the nations to you
O Lord, that's the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see
Your light, as it rises on us

O Lord, I ask for the nations

-You Said, Hillsong

"If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves, but for him who died for them and was raised again. So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view...All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has commited to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God...'In the time of my favour I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.' I tell you, now is the time of God's favour, now is the day of salvation."

Mission: China

in God's love and strength,
Joanne.  ¶ 2:23 PM 0 comments

  here comes the sun! after all that rain,which has inevitably cost me about 4 plus hours of my life busking in his gorgeous disposition from my computer screen...iv given up trying to resize the stupid picture you're possibly also gazing at up there^^^.chook is going to kill me but..oh well he's off prancing around mount fancypants with his darling zwing right now so i guess that can wait.

iv not done the 4 things i had planned to do tonight as a result of the time wasted completely on rain.which were...

1. edit my testimony and translate it into chinese
2. attempt to get writing again(:
3. do bible devotion!! QT!QT!!
4. do econs 'Applications of Demand and Supply' tutorial.darn.

oh well.what to do.do i do all that now?especially since michelle is going to totally kill me for not doing my testimony once over yet. :(boohoo.but i feel like just going to sleep now...in vain hopes that i have one more day to do all that 4 things.or maybe get back that 4 hours i just squandered over my darling man-boy rain.one victory though,rachel ho has finally yielded to his endearing charm.that heart-melting smile!gawsh.

aiya.whatever,this is childish.i should have done all my 4 things!!!!now how!?! church is early in the morning and there's no time whatsoever to do 2/4 that's for sure right now..should i stick around a little longer trying to edit the testimony?definitely wanna do QT!!!

now that chook and zwing are gone,iv kinda lost 2 major sources of 24-hour entertainment.maybe that's why i have no more energy to stay up so late.oh,crumbs.

i think i shall first stop blogging and save some time.

  ¶ 1:14 AM 0 comments

  God...where did i go? God i'm here.i'm back.i'm coming back.God where did I go!how could I let you wait.how could i do such a thing to you? God you loved me so much yet I chose to turn my backupon you and go my own way.God ...i'm sorry.how could i do such a thing.for i don't know how long i let you wait and wait.and all i wanted to do was to do my own thing.to do whatever i liked.i fell in love with the world.and out of of love with you.

GOD I LOVE YOU STILL BUT I'VE NEVER PROVEN IT SO FAR.

GOD I'M SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF.im feeling convicted,yet broken and...a failure.iv failed you.if iv ever failed anyone.it's you.i need a true change of heart.my heart...it's been so far from God.what is my heart's desire Lord?you know.im struggling with the Lord...stop me.embrace me.where has my love..my passion for you and everyth about you gone?where has the girl who loves the Lord so much gone?where..am i?

where has my heart gone,Jesus?

...if i leave it be,destroy it and give me a new heart.it's as good as gone for now.it's worthless.make me anew.renew in me the love of God.a strength that comes from the Lord,not a strength that i try to draw upon myself.

everything iv come to admire.come to revere.is not of God.i worship the world with the attitudes of my heart.iv turned my face from the Lord and dropped the Bible like it means nothing more to me.im no better than an unbeliever.

God....

iv gone astray.and all i want to do is turnaround and walk straight back to you.to run.

to....be back with You...

God i'm sick and tired of the world.show me mercy..show me hope..show me love.

Lord,please.

Lord..i need you.

i can't do it on my own.

iv failed you as i am..

God..but i know you still love me.and that you're still the God of the impossible.

God of love.God of hope.God of mercy..

God of me.

God..

what have i built my life upon?...

let it be the Rock of salvation.nothing other.

let me know you,Jesus.

change my heart.

lead me in your purpose.your will for my life.

break me.shake me.make me.

God,let everything I say to you now,..may i mean it.

I meant everything I just said Lord.

please..

grant me a spiritual earthquake.

in your time,but im ready as of now.i don't want to wander any longer.

In Jesus' Name I pray,
amen.  ¶ 9:46 PM 0 comments

  rain(: so sorry i haven't been blogging in ages.but yeah been spending my days watching fullhouse,which iv now completed,and engaging in interesting side projects like the christmas musical publicity and the church vid.gonna start working on that soon.

aiya.i can't think of anyth cept how hot rain is for now.i think iv watched his it's raining video like 5 times already or sth.but i have to admit,it's time to start thinking and focusing on my missions and the church stuff.the play time of this holiday fever has to end soon.

if this rain doesn stop,when will my spiritual revival ever begin?

small eyed,sweet smiling,baby-faced boys -- get behind me! especially if you've got a hot bod and equally hot moves to boot.  ¶ 8:43 PM 1 comments

  kamsahamnida waiting for my goong show to load on youtube now,therefore i shall blog.sigh it's finally picking up the pace again!! really want to finish 23 and 24 as well tonight..but aiya!! don't think my brain can take it for so long.plus i need to be in church at 10 30 or sth i think.whole day of church coming.

today,or effectively yesterday since it's almost 2 30 a.m., was rather fun.mrs chan's farewell assembly was sweet,and the full-day off seriously made me feel terrible about her leaving.sigh,she's such a funky person la.really really diplomatic and sincerely Victorian in every manner of the word.someone i would want to be like,that's for sure.

got lit back today..and got practically the same result as i did for midyears.which is rather demoralizing cos aiya,no more lit h3 for me.im clearly not fantastic at lit.i think my results should stand as such for now,since i have no idea how to count geography..

A-geog (:(:(:
C-gp (:
D-lit
E-maths
E-chinese
S-econs :(:(:(

i think i got E for chinese la.i also cannot remember already.i think promos were a good improvement,a leap ahead from the horrid DEEEDS of midyears.sadly,i really have to work on that econs otherwise next year im stranded in that class of miscreets if im forced into econs h1,which seems like a VERY possible outcome judging by the horrendous state my econs is in.i think it has sth to do with the ponning of wednesday econs tutorials.i shall never do that again la.gosh,really have such a long way to go to get my econs to that A la.i have to like,pass it first.sigh:(

otherwise,today was fine.im still in the holidaying mood,but royce swan lk n i did try to work on some PW OP today.was quite good in the end,though we only got down to work after my nap,royce's playing,swan's intervention and lk's departure.therefore royce n i only left the house at like,10 30.i met zheng's danny boy at han's today! although i didn't really recognize him,never could..n neither did he remember me then..but online we managed to talk and i realized he's actually pretty nice and not so annoying after all.he's mugging for As right now..was lamenting over his schoolmate rachel ho's current predicament for the promos..which sounds more like de-mo's right now.. :( said he's been doing pretty badly himself but he's still heading for As.oh well..i really don't know what's going to become of my darling racho.God help her!

okay my goong has finished loading.

oh,and one thing..to 06s49,marvelous sign you left me in t37.next time you feel like leaving me another love note,please remember that my name is jonk and not jonks.unless,as gongkia put it aptly the last time,there's more than one jonk in school.i however,will not be taking part in your useless games anymore.louis chan,im sure you do not want anymore of that bad karma catching up on you--

or i just might see you in crutches next,hmm?  ¶ 2:25 AM 0 comments

  upon that lonely beach,will you think of me again? footprints in the sand, yours
alone and washed a little away by
the waves that roll and fall
like the ripples of sadness in
your eyes like a heart emptied;
stark hollow. alone, yours

he is the wind in your hair, yours
and the kiss upon your cheek
the moonlight upon your paled skin
like magic sparkling on a
silver lake like your eyes tonight;
full of love. I'm alone, my own

that heart you slipped into his pocket, yours
to give to whom you love
beating softly in sprinkled stardust
like a bright light in the
darkened sky like a dying eclipse;
shining shimmering. No longer alone, together

myself, yours
truly I've never had someone as good
as you my sugar baby
sweet and a child amongst us
like a free spirit roaming
the earth before us like the wind;
in wild abandon. leaving me alone, no one's  ¶ 11:54 PM 0 comments

  walking through a bullet storm title of post is inspired by ghost reacon, a stupid game inspired by tom clancy's novel that my brothers are xbox-ing over outside.definitely a bullet storm.this reminds me yet again of the class boys who are just waiting to get over to my house and hijack my xbox/xbox 360.hmm.in a few days the war's going to start.

but that's besides the point really.nowadays,esp this week.i can testify that we're all walking through our own bullet storms.steph was really down yesterday over her results.and today it was my turn when i S'd econs,not very proudly that's for sure.i more or less deserved it,have to say.i mean i was like flunking all my essays before that..don't even need premonition to tell me im NOT going to get A for econs eventhough i studied my guts out for 4 days.more results coming.sigh.GOD GOD GOD.nevermind,im taking whatever you throw my way Lord.

regular life has not been much better.WR finished 2 days ago.and so begins the stress over OP.im still caught up in post-exam mode,and although A lvl Chinese is around the bend in early november,im actually still watching goong and doing practically nothing at all if i can help it.im a lazy shit.

sigh,pardon the vulgarity but there's been lots of rubbish churning around my social circle.things i come to hear about,things im forced to think about,things i don't want to care about but can't because it seriously isn very Christlike to just condemn a man based on rumours and never have anything to do with him again.but then again the Bible also says,say it once to a sinful man,but if he refuses to change his evil ways,it's better to have nth more to do with him.im guessing,simply pray.but actually when i think about the issue of completely writing him off and condemning him in my mind to the depths of the hell im able to comprehend..i don't feel like ever praying for him again.i did before,and for the rest of them.it's like the same way i felt with nicole.i loved her as my sister,us being in the same class and good friends for 4 years.but after a while it just seems so fruitless and i don't see the need to even bother with her anymore.cut ties once,cut all ties.im still not sure if that's the way to go about things.

why do i feel so guilty about this pending condemnation?my mind is definitely made up and so is my heart.he failed the humanitarian test.but before he did i was prompted to pray for the weirdest things for him.zwing and i on the roof that night,talking to chook over the phone.us puzzling over why God would have even prompted me to pray for love for these young men.why love?not for me,duh.but why love for them?why that strong urgency to intervene spiritually..over what? what was that sexual purity thing about,really? questions just keep unfolding.if i hadn't gone through that incident and if zwing hadn't been there to make me sit up and take it seriously..right now he would be completely dead and gone to me.and knowing myself i really couldn't give two hoots to anyone i wrote off my list viciously.i may be emotional,but i think ppl can vouch for me that i can be equally hardhearted.

such a dilemma over nothing.i don't even want to have anything to do with that Bunch anymore.not ever see them again.not ever pray for them again..but talking to chook i did eventually consider this to myself,that when i chose to go about our odd relationship the human way,things got real bad.when i stopped praying,things like these start surfacing more than ever.in a vulgar,ostentatious manner.in-your-face shocks.and then i want to stop taking this human path towards things.i really do.was telling chook last night,me not praying is not helping one bit.me going gaga seems to have weird side effects.

and im not close enough to God to hear anymore,like iv stopped listening.more interested in listening to the world's gossip session and knowing the latest.more interested in forming my own disgusted opinions and turning my eyes towards my handphone for the latest news.instead of falling back to the Lord and asking His opinion.His news that matters the most,that loves the most.only the Lord can have such magnanimous love towards these ppl.when all you want to do is go the easy way and detest them,God goes the other way and reaches out a hand to save them.regardless of who they are,what they've done,what they're going to do.and it's amazing to me now,even as i think about this fact.because whilst my social circle sits back and gaps at their outrageous behaviour,condemning these fools in our hearts and feeling comforted that we're not as sinful as they are..well..who's to say,honestly? let him who has never sinned throw the first stone.

zwing is disturbed by it all,and so am i.i have no idea what chook's stand on all this crap is.what would Jesus do? im guessing,He probably would have not gone all emotionally tied to things,but instead spiritually guide them back home.He would have not bothered with rumours and gossip,since He already knows everything,each man's heart and intention.He would have prayed for them as He came before the Father (DAILY,hint hint!!!) and with a pure and truly honest heart,begged for divine intervention and mercy on their behalf.sigh,He would have loved them so much,and He does.i did manage to pull that off once,that day zwing and i were on the roof.i was actually on the floor and in tears just coming before the Lord and obeying the huge impression i was getting by praying for exactly what was supposedly wrong.them and their lives.but after promos i fell back into my own sinful self and hung up on the Father.haven't been talking too much to Him lately.would rather talk with the world.

which completely sucks,yeah?don't want to do that..shall pray for them la.sigh.God give me strength man. (: Jesus I love YOU.

i so need to start living that purpose-driven life.  ¶ 5:24 PM 0 comments

 
shan, your shirtttt(:  ¶ 1:48 AM 0 comments

  earning back my wasted life ah,how slowly the days go by now.im just drifting dreamily through each hour.minutes feel like hours,hours feel like days.promos are over.gawsh.tell me anything that would make me happier than that.okay maybe there is something that's better than that and i bet people like zwing,chook,sam and meng can tell you what it is but HAHA.my big mouth is shut.

i havent blogged in ages.ages.AGES.im such a wasted writer.but now im hitting the storybooks and reading those trashy teenage novels again that inspire me to never write like that, at very very most.i need to find another good book,like geisha/pride&prejudice to indulge my exquisite acquired tastes in books (what the hell.HAHA).

so far iv read rachel's,mel's,huishuang's,and willis' blog.so crappy la! as in,cracks me up to read about their own little escapades.hilarious.we should all compile a book together about the days of our a14 lives, revealed.i actually really liked huishuang's blog! no idea,but it's got some pristine quality to it.and willis' blog was absolutely hilarious.especially the part about steph (girl 1) and me (girl 2).at first it was making me totally laugh out loud (at him,more than at us) but when it got to the part about how some girls but NOT girl 1 or 2 were getting prettier in vj, it became a very 'what the hell' moment.wahlao willis you watch out.one day il flame your name on cosiety.

(((:

i don't know what im feeling now besides winsome.everybody else seems preoccupied with their fantastic wild lives,but im more or less just sitting around watching tv and enjoying the good lazy life, quite unexpectedly.perhaps im just too lazy to get out of the house.the balcony aircon is perpetually switched on,anyway.

im stranded between dimensions of life.studying and slacking.im doing neither,yet im doing something.i don't feel serious,but im struggling to gain control.the flow of life seems to have caught against one large jagged rock or something.the end of promos kinda spelt excessive and potentially harmful leisure.as seaborg says (cross-ref to GP Compre text).

oh yes,and im also completely pissed off at my mother right now,whom i graciously tried doing stuff like cleaning up the kitchen,ironing everybody's clothes,and marking scripts meticulously into the night for.today she's decided to stop being sick and iv been getting nothing but blasting for the mess iv apparently created.before i left for my haircut,session 1.after i came back and totally oblivious to previous displeasure (on MY part),session 2.definitely another 'what the hell' moment there.like,what the hell!i was trying to be nice,really.and this is all i get.condemnation.i repeat,what the hell! an angry person is a dangerous person.mummy,im angry at you.sorry.but im really angry and disappointed in your behaviour.

God forgive me.

on a lighter note,last night racho was showing my some deviantart stuff,this time of this person called silentbride.chook showed me some other really great photographers before too.but silentbride beats them flat.i completely LOVE her photog art.beautiful pieces so carefully thought over and conducted into life on film.gorgeous and hideous, gothic and angellic all rolled together.ah,made me feel extremely ashamed of my own ability.been fiddling with photoshop a lot and trying out lots of color balance alterations,working with different color ranges,playing with curves.but no way is my art good enough for deviantart viewers.man.racho's good though.loads of potential there.ah yes,and chook kk's photographs also la.all the deviantart ppl.

i need to call steph soon and tell her about willis' blog entry but her phone is dead.meanwhile,i shall just go back to reading my trashy teenage novels and binge on the little fantasies and fallacies of the old wise and very evil writers who convince teenagers life is what it is in those ridiculous stories of theirs.oh please,not everybody is bronzed, fit and summersoaked gorgeous like their poshy characters.

but who cares,i could be.((:HAH.  ¶ 5:25 PM 0 comments

  Things to Do. 1. seeking the kingdom, continued
2. write a letter to china people before i actually go there,announcing my arrival (both BJ n ZZJ)
3. think of and get really nice stuff for them too (ask rachel and zwing for ideas)
4. get cool photoalbum + photos from chook for them(:
5. think of cool things to do for lesson time/english corner
6. ask sean to meet up so we can settle publicity stuff
7. hurry up and settle the christmas musical publicity stuff!!!!think of consolidated ideas,please.
8. meet darren and esther for video discussion
9. stay in school overnight with class people and talk on the roof
10. have a stayover + xbox championships soon soon soon
11. get that last flight out song, and all the other songs I've lost from the old laptop
12. revamp blog? perhaps.
13. start blogging for cosiety again!!!!!!sheesh.podcasting sessions please!
14. study for A lvl chinese and PASS THEM
15. do WR and have loads of fun plus oreo iceblend with the PW grp
16. GYMMING,plus some running please.have regular uZap sessions or sth HAHA
17. eat less and eat smart.
18. sleep sufficiently!at least 8 hours!
19. study for some stuff so next year won't die during A lvl mugging
20. oh yeah, COACH MENG for O LVLS.and help everybody else who needs my help too.
21. START CELL IN SCHOOL.
22. go library borrow many many books and make up for all that lost reading time!!
23. be a better person to everybody and cultivate good godly from the heart character
24. CLEAN ROOM.revamp room? maybe.if too bored.
25. write a story about us(:
26. have a Get-Together's GET TOGETHER.
27. fill up missions forms.
28. update songs in phone,please i beg you.
29. get more clothes, in desperate need.
30. get contacts and new cherry red glasses.
31. GET HAIR CUT.think about dye-ing hair.
32. get eyebrows plucked back into shape soon
33. watch a lot of movies and serial dramas.more DVDs please!
34. watch a lot of TV - America's Next Top Model, Project Runway III, Princess Hours, Yang Sisters, Maggie and Me, Ten Years of Comedy, Ticket to Indulgence, PRISON BREAK.
35. get new devotion book for teenagers.
36. get that Power of the Praying Teen book for zwing too.don't forget own copy is with chook.
37. think about what christmas presents to give everyone this year
38. hype up for all the end of year CRAZE for fellowship comm!make a list of fun games.
39. arrange cupboard/table/racks/iTunes/desktop/photographs
40. PLAY WITH APPLE'S MOVIE MAKER
41. go down to meng's art room and paint stuff
42. learn how to take good pictures from huey and chook.
43. improve dying piano skills and learn new songs
44. spend loads and loads of quality time with a14/zwing/rachel/robyn/rowe/ryl/shan
45. have a positive attitude towards cell and start serving actively
46. get addicted to a ridiculous computer/xbox game - LOTR/winning 11/tennis
47. train hard to master table tennis and beat aaron.
48. to rid my life of unnecessary beings who are incredibly cute but infinitely stupid.
49. focus upon people who truly mean something to me and be a genuine friend.
50. cycle around singapore with david/zwing/brandon/yong/terence

*51. Plan Life.

  ¶ 3:10 AM 0 comments

  Where is my Sweet Sorrow? Where is my Sweet Sorrow? She eludes me.
Too long have I shunned her slender fingers around my broken heart
Numbed my intuition from her loving kisses upon my head
I'm naked, tempted, but I refuse her.

Stilled within my trembling soul, she eludes me.
Like a fire in a darkened room, flickering
Burning through my loins, my heavy loins of darkness
I reach out to stroke her desire, but then I snuff her out.

Sweet Sorrow she longs to free me but she eludes me-
To fill my mouth with the breath of redemption from her lips
She's wiped the bloodshed from their shameful eyes and made them see
For her love I am desperate, I am needy, but I am blind.  ¶ 11:13 PM 0 comments

 
love your shoes too(: <3333  ¶ 12:09 AM 0 comments

 
you're my bestfriend at any rate -  ¶ 12:08 AM 0 comments

 
il let you take centrestage here baby -  ¶ 12:06 AM 0 comments

 
full of life and fun and joy -  ¶ 12:06 AM 0 comments

 
yeah, you're a sweet one little girl -  ¶ 12:06 AM 0 comments

 
not without crying helpless upon my shoulder after that -  ¶ 12:05 AM 0 comments

 
but sometimes you lose it and smile along -  ¶ 12:04 AM 0 comments

 
and when i act silly, you pout and let me be -  ¶ 12:04 AM 0 comments

 
and whilst i go on smiling strong, you dream ahead of me -  ¶ 12:03 AM 0 comments

 
a take two of my glittery life, edited and perfected -  ¶ 12:02 AM 0 comments

 
but in you my bestfriend i find a second part of me -  ¶ 12:01 AM 0 comments

 
just jonk.a shooting star.  ¶ 12:01 AM 0 comments

 
this is me,jonk,alone-  ¶ 12:01 AM 0 comments

 
so i just didn't smile the next year.  ¶ 12:00 AM 0 comments

 
me,aw.i didn't know how to smile.  ¶ 11:59 PM 0 comments

 
the most disgusting hairstyle ever  ¶ 11:59 PM 0 comments

 
me in the car boot  ¶ 11:59 PM 0 comments

 
ben and nicky both look like freaks  ¶ 11:59 PM 0 comments

 
ben and me..omg i look like a freak.  ¶ 11:58 PM 0 comments

  my life so far right now,gona sleep any moment.which sounds kinda crazy because it's almost 5 am and i just finished permutations tutorial.feeling rather accomplished over math right now,since that's all iv been rushing thru all week.tutorials and assignments.no maths whiz tho.leaves me feeling rather stupid most of the time.at least i don't have to sit thru R lectures.

hmm.life is odd right now.im like drifting thru life accumulating tiredness,yet not really doing much to deserve to feel tired.that's how i see it that is.i slept from 3-9 today,i admit.was so tired after that great lunch that i din bother giving myself any awake time to digest.wound up having an extremely disturbing dream consisting mainly of PE in indonesia,walking around a shopping centre in a swimsuit and heels and winding up in a dingy but freaky boarding house where chook appears with a baby and girlfriend in tow.the first words i spoke as my brother woke me from my slumber at the end of the dream was 'oh gosh i just had some nightmare'.don't ever sleep on a full stomach.

my life right now,however,does not consist of swimsuits or indonesian PE lessons.does however contain lots of zwing and a14 madness,and a more than necessary amount of chook kk.nobody should jump to conclusions upon reading this,neither am i about to reveal what has been going on with all 4 parties (me,zwing,a14 and chook) during this period of high eccentricity and uncertainty.have to say tho,have become even more attached to school and the people.zwing and i have never been better bestfriends,a14 has never been so chummy and united,and i haven had a good guy friend i can talk to incessantly (please correct my spelling) like chook for a rather long time since meng's gone off to settle his Os without my help and zheng's off with robyn dearest.which is rather nice,cos i'd be missing meng pretty much otherwise.im so glad his oral turned out alright.it better!!! after all those long nights of phone conversations with me, the speak-good-english freak, especially.as for zheng,he needs all the time he can get with robyn before he's off to army next year anyway.at any rate,can connect with chook somehow i think.wonder if it's just me.hope that in the long run everyth will be good for him and ahem.

i just looked thru my schedule and realized i have like 3 weeks to study for term3 stuff,2 for term1-2 stuff,and 1 study break week to consolidate everyth together and ace my promos.ace may not be a good word choice,but aiya.(:sounds good tho,i better not have miscalculated the dates.

the get-togethers have not been very together lately.rachel's so busy with her art and SA..rowe is just popping in and out of my life once in a while when i hear a song we used to sing in class..like she will be loved,we believe,qing tian.cheryl was complaining how ppl in vj think we're freaks if we burst out in song in the middle of class,so unlike sc.we sang so much to rowe's guitar last year and last last year.sigh.the things i miss about sc.how we hug everytime we meet,scream everytime we see each other and hold hands to walk around.im quite glad i have zwing to make up for a bit of the lost SC-ness.and shan and cheryl,cos we're still best buddies in school man.if ONLY rach and rowe were here.it'll be great.but i guess God has different plans for each of us.maybe we should just join musicfest next year anyway.get a drummer/bassist (depending on what shan wants to play) and an electric guitarist.actually considering how well i do not sing,perhaps sld swap me as well.haha.eh then what's the use of joining if it's not even a majority of the original band?haha.

okay it's reaching 5.note to self,get-togethers desperately need to GET TOGETHER.  ¶ 3:05 AM 0 comments

  GOD IS MY BELAYER. dear God,you have noooo idea (actually you do) how great tonight was God.thank you thank you thank you.wow.i mean,wow.really that's about all i can say to your victorious ways Lord.and i mean,the calling is getting stronger and stronger.all i need now is your confirmation that this is for ME.moving into VJ? really?WOW.deuteronomy..assemble the people..crossing the Jordan into the land which you will possess.and suddenly i recall this verse..when you pass the waters,i will be with you.ahhhhh!GOD!you're moving so fast it scares me sometimes that,am i ready for this?but the fact that ur even nudging me closer and closer,revealing so much more to me as i turn my face heart and life back to you..this is the best deal ever Lord.and yeah,i wanna be EMPOWERED!help me to continue being a blessing to Zwing Lord..that you'll use BOTH of us mightily in YOUR NAME!i just wanna pray for both of us..especially for her,that she'll be impacted powerfully tonight and the rest of her days as she walks with you,and that she'll NEVER LET GO Lord.NEVER LEAN AWAY from that wall of faith we each scale everyday.GOD YOU ARE OUR BELAYER and our trust is IN YOU always and forever.God!!! thank you thank you.you really just fell upon us tonight and i can't say iv ever been so shocked over the phone.God you really rock you know?fill us Lord.just fill me,fill her..fill us all with the radical passion for the Lord through the Holy Spirit that dwells in us and the love of God that flows like an abundant spring.oh God i want to be used by you!i want to be a blessing to others.i want to see my friends coming to you and being moved by the spiritual earthquake you're sending down Lord!!oh God just rain down upon this land that's dried out..devoid of the fulfillment and richness of God's grace.may the Christians who are lazing in the lowlands rise up and start moving for the Lord..for the nation!God build up a holy people..an army that bursts forth in the foreign land.Father if you're calling me out there in any way..to VJ..calling me out and sending me forth..Father im gona be so strong and courageous..even though it's so scary and so taxing and ...so unknown..God im gona stand up for my faith..and im gona finally start putting my big mouth to some good use.i pray for supernatural intercession from you my Father in Heaven!!this is all SO BIG to me,but you know what God,YOU'RE BIGGER.im gona trust that you know what you're doing (duh)..so let me just fall back into the arms of God,to lean and rest in the presence of God..and every step i take i take in You.(:(:(:God i love YOU.and i love zwing!thank you for her Lord.thank you for your plan for me and her and even kk.thank you for your AWESOMENESS.keep using us Lord..keep using us and sending us forth.God,speak for you servant IS LISTENING.forgive me for the times my soul is restless and distracted and cannot hear a word you're trying to say.forgive me for ever trying to replace your importance with my importance.God give me wisdom that comes straight from the mouth of God,let me never play God.i am Yours forever,your child and your friend(:let me glorify your name for as long as i shall live!pull me deeper into You.

in Jesus name i PRAY AMEN!(:  ¶ 3:22 AM 0 comments

  when God ran planetshakers concert was a great spiritual earthquake,if u ask me.man im like so tired now but if i don't blog tonight i don't think im ever gona get down to doing so.

today was another failure of a mugging resolution.i woke up early,joined royce steph and swan in waiting for rachel orlick and mel to arrive at the gates of VJ before proceeding an hour late to the beach.after which we spent quite some time wondering where to sit and having that very sweet birthday session for swan.happy birthday swan! and yeah,for more details on that part of the day,check out the class blog..which is in my linkes.all our duno wat..80 pics or sth are there.

kianboon joined us at parkway for lunch after that,then we went arnd trying clothes and drinking iceblend..well and finally landed up back at daryl's house where me and kianboon played winning 11 for quite sometime before i realized i was late to meet zwing for the planetshakers thing.everybody left tgt and i took a bus with kianboon again to bedok,where i was like rushing like crazy to get to expo.

zwing was late anyway.wells.tonight was a good night man.spiritual earthquake,really.that's all i can afford to say.too much!

well,iv got some stuff to say to God before i go and catch those ZZzzzZs.

dear God...WOW.you really made tonight a night of spiritual encounter man.i mean,it's the same as last year.as i emerge from the doldrums of spiritual low and wander my way back to the cross,the planetshakers again have stepped in and reminded me of how planetshaking ur whole movement on earth is Lord.and i wanna be part of that!not only that Lord.i really got what u were trying to say to me regarding all my sadness and distance from you.how i really am the prodigal child..taking all ur blessing and running far away from you to spend it all laughing and having mad fun..pulling away from the protective wings of the Almighty and venturing out into a seemingly harmless world.but God,i made up my mind that i wanna turn back to you.i can try all other method to make up that emptiness..think i know everyth but nv knowing anyth at all in the end.being void.but God,this really is the God-shaped hole YOU need to fill,and nth i can do will ever satisfy my hunger.it's a hunger and thirst..a burning desire to be filled with YOU Lord.stir it up in me!!(: yeah God,and i cldn help feeling so ashamed of myself when i closed my eyes and..whilst i was running back to you..you were already watching and waiting for me to return and like the Father of the prodigal son,ran faster and caught me in your embrace.just..caught me and i knew that i was back where i always belonged.and you still loved me so much..you wanted me back even though no one in the world could ever do so if they knew the unfaithfulness of my heart.oh God please forgive me,teach me to love you more more more! don't let me go anymore Lord.im not gonna let you go either.im back with you Lord.im back.and you're holding me so tight,letting me know everyth's in your arms..my whole life..Lord i don't wanna hold anyth back from you.you take all of ME Lord.all you've given me..my life..it's yours.and without you in my life..il never be complete.Lord if ur not my life,i don't know what i am.and this isn about religion is it?it's about Jesus.religion can't fulfill me.but relationship with Christ can.and i want this relationship to be more mindblowing than i can ever imagine,more life-bound than i could ever be commited to.wow.Lord,the things you could do with me.you're just holding me in your arms,never letting me go..and i know watever happens.this is your purpose for me Lord.right now i really wanna seek your calling for me.are you calling for a ministry shift?are you moving me from church into the marketplace,school?Lord if you have a bigger plan for me,please lay it out before me and walk with me through it.reveal these plans to me Father,so that i may be used by you for you in your time.oh God let me reach out to those who earnestly seek you.who long to fill the Godshaped hole and experience the power of the Holy Spirit in their lives too.God you continue to mould me and make me.bring me closer to You..that i may know you and worship you in spirit and in truth all the days of my life.i love you Lord.i love you as much as my body spirit and soul can manage to.thank you for running to me and snatching me back,forgiving my ungratefulness and restoring my strength in your awesome power.empower me oh God!!(:

in JESUS NAME I PRAY,
AMEN.  ¶ 1:46 AM 0 comments

  to my Father as i walk the earth,i find an increasing unhappiness.and exponential decline in the satisfaction life's pleasures can bring.the more fun i seek to fulfill my life the less joy i find remaining within my heart where Jesus lives.the more i fall away from God the further i sink into the world and it's storm of distractions,deceit and disillusion.for far too long have i neglected focussing my eyes on God.for far too long i have looked at my bible and said,tomorrow's just another day.and the more i resist turning myself back to God the more human i become.the bigger the flesh lion.

...dear God.im tired,im weary..im dying of hunger,but mostly im dying of thirst.i cannot live without you any longer Lord..i cannot survive in this desert..this world that is devoid of your nourishing power as it rejects your love and turns towards the devil.and Lord if i am falling away from you,who else am i falling into but the devil's clutches Lord..who else is there prowling like a roaring lion, waiting to steal kill and destroy me as i step out of your protective hold?that night at FOP father,i closed my eyes and wondered how i cld ever worship you in the state i was in,the state that was empty,dry and of the world..the world you love but the world whose sin you detest.and the more i let myself enter this world..and the more i allow myself to be a part of it and apart from you..the more you cannot reach me Lord,the larger the barrier i put up that prevents me from experiencing your blessing.oh God but i know you love me.and i know that you will save me if i cry out for your help..because i want back Lord.i want back.i don't want to linger without purpose and belief on this lonely planet any longer..a desert where im dying to drink..yet i deny myself that drink.i miss the Bible..i miss being able to just dwell in your presence and be saturated with your love,your peace and your joy.your immense joy Lord.i long to be back where you are.to just soar with you,to be given strength,to trust in you and walk with you.all the days of my life.and right now i find myself limiting myself to mere happiness i find in friends,having a certain form of godliness but denying its power.iv traded my joy for happiness in these days Lord.iv demanded my share of blessing like a prodigal child,gone out far away from you and squandored all that blessing of good friends,laughter and pleasure.yet at the end of all this im only more empty than ever,out of control and totally screwing up everytime i make an attempt to coax myself back to the steering wheel.i keep crashing and wrecking my life,keep convincing myself iv found the key but nv finding my way back to where i need to go..which is you.i know i need you Lord.but i act as if i don't.im lonely,unfulfilled and unhappy.i find no joy in relationships.i get angry fast,and angrier faster.and that's because my most important relationship,with you,is not exactly very right right now.and God i really want to correct that error.i don't want to grow into the world and its sin.i want to grow seperate from the world and a part of your grace and glory.to live for you and to experience the purpose driven life.im tired of floating aimlessly day by day.i don't want to keep on searching for life's methods of living for today.if i ever want to live life to the fullest Lord,it's gotta be for YOU.help me change..bring me back to you and give me another chance.forgive me for the times iv succumbed to sin and uphold self-righteousness.for acting as if there's no God..im but a fool for that Lord.one major idol i have Lord,is my life.now i live to fulfill my own life.i live in the best ways i know how so that i can be satisfied with my life.im not just looking for a good life Lord.im looking for a great life.and it's only drawing me further and further from the calling you have made for me.to give up all right i have and follow Jesus.and all i do is horde treasure on earth and attach myself to my life here..and all that im meant to live for,which is so much more..is forsaken.i have forsaken your call and pryed myself away from you without even realizing how harmful my seemingly harmless actions can be..isn that what you warn us about Lord?that you never know where the devil might attack..because in this world there's more right than wrong,and what's wrong has become right in the world's eyes..and when such delusionment comes in masses..the devil uses this herd mentality to fool us Christians into believing that as long as everyone..and really..practically everyone everywhere around you..is doing it..it's so harmless in our eyes now that we just jump the bandwagon thinking it's perfectly normal...oh God we don't even know what's right and wrong any more Lord.the devil has erased those lines and it's even harder now to discern right from wrong..it's a great evil.and God i don't want to be a part of any of this.i have..and im ashamed of having not picked up the warning sensory signals of the Holy Spirit because i was too deafened by the cacophony of the world's music to hear you telling me that im inching that toe out from your protective umbrella..thinking it's okay even if i get a little wet from the essence of the world..that it won't hurt me.but it is a powerful evil Lord that sweeps this place.and it has lured me out in its harmless form as everyone's laughing and having a good clean time..evil has taken a clean form that is so easy to not see through.and im sorry for having even compromised my faith one bit Lord.just one tiny bit and i was almost lost forever into the crashing sea of sin and spiritual filth.i took my eyes off you Lord.i took my eyes off you and i started sinking.and now im scared Lord.but i have faith in you and i just want to let you know..that i want to come back.please save me Lord.save my soul.and may i grow closer to you..fill me with your Holy Spirit.grant me a generous portion of the Spirit's conscience.that i may be able to detect the wrong that has been disguised as right.that i may no longer walk unknowing in a land that is boobytrapped with pitfalls that the devil lays out without the covering of the Holy Spirit and the blood of Jesus Christ.God...please saturate me.and may i always worship you in spirit and in truth.let me not serve any one else but God.that i will have no other gods before you.You are my God,Lord.i want to live for you alone.

in Jesus' name i pray,Amen.
Love,Joanne.  ¶ 9:02 PM 1 comments

  why? because I love you the title is going to be entirely out of point by the time I finish this.hey i capitalized my I!(: weird.at any rate,my short but fulfilling conversation with daryl gan,j2 cosiety boy made me think in the little corner of my brain (whilst struggling with the other section to focus on my lit AND talk on MSN).

it's about how vulnerable ppl are really.we were just talking randomly about how friendster is good for finding old friends,and i mentioned yeah if you want shocks abt how some ppl have gotten over the past few years.and then i mentioned sth about how joel chia acquired hotness,and after that daryl commented that ppl never really do change actually,along with their looks.and i said sth that made me doubleover with amazement that im not that stupid.i replied to his remark that it was when you recognized how similar these changed beings are to who they were years before do you then understand how vulnerable they really are.you see past all their exteriors build them up to be and even a passing glance in their eyes can tell you a load of story behind it all.and it leaves them looking small,scared and as confused as you are in the big big world.the big fishes in the small ponds start resembling small fishes in a big ocean when you look carefully and care to peek what lies beneath their polished outershells.i think what made me think of that in particular was the passing thought i had recently about how im beginning to see world-weariness in joel.i don't know,i don't even care about him much because we virtually don't know each other.but when i think abt him 7 years ago and i remember all he was then now,he becomes a kid before my eyes again and i see human fraility in him.this is a completely unfounded hypothesis,and not important either.i bet if someone foreign read this they'll think i like joel.stop being so uncreative.

and then again steph let me read charles' blog.i cannot give 2 hoots abt charles honestly,and charles if u ever read this and choose to hate me for the rest of ur life,im not trying to deface ur precious name or sth.it's not.listen to wat i have to say,if u find it of any importance.if u dun,too bad.yeah so i don't know why but steph mentioned charles and his blog today at cartel so i decided to have a looksee.expertly (expert at flipping quickly thru words thanks to great ex and great gatsby) reading all his viewable entries in about a minute,i stopped disliking charles for that one minute and started trying to see the guy who sits at his computer typing away at these entries.i put aside all bias,and felt his personality just flow through me.and it was rather moving.i think iv gone into some psychotic mode now,but on the other hand it was a serious moment for me.i actually let myself feel a bit of what charles had to share of himself in his blog.and it was like this minute of normal,not that egoistic boy.a real person,with real worth and human quality.that's what i call inner beauty man.even if charles doesn have a lot, or at least i haven found alot yet,watever he let go off of his inner self made me sit up and take notice that so many ppl drift through life surreal and unaffected,only to miss the very essence of the ppl they come into contact with.

and ppl like steph and me and possibly a lot more angsty teenagers spend their lives worrying about getting married and what NOT,i was watching an advertisement just now on channel 8 and it was about mentally disabled ppl.i mean seriously,the thought by the end of it was..this is it.we have to stop doing this.wat we worry about in our lives NOW have no substance in contrast to the vast majority of the world's burdens!these ppl will probably never get a chance to be with someone,to fall in love,to look fantastic and be loved for looking fantastic.what the hell,they don't get a chance to be what we all want to be secretly --stars in our own place.and what are we doing complaining and lamenting about being ugly or fat or simply inadequate in juxtaposition to the world? i don't know.i seriously don't know.we need to start looking at the essence of ppl,who they truly are inside,and stop putting up the worldy barrier of judging someone based on looks,even yourself.i tend to dislike good looking ppl for their major attitude problems.and i also tend to hold up that goody-2-shoes opinion that sometimes the not that good looking ppl are the best hearted.it's not fair to anyone then.even goodlooking ppl have hearts,have souls and some have God.many have consciences.many are just people,just kids,just as scared in a big world as i am,you are.we have to start feeling ppl from the inside out.not the outside in.

we've overlooked so many fellow brothers and sisters as we walk through life blindly.we make up our minds too fast,and change them too slow.we are bothered by the physical,but are too easily contented with what we presume is the mental,psychological and spiritual.we never give others,and sometimes even ourselves, a second chance.in bid to attain friendship and immediate happiness in our relationships,we forget to stop sitting comfortably with the ppl we call our friends laughing our lungs out,and instead fully immersing ourselves in the precious density of who they really are.

my friends,you probably want to know why i even bother thinking about you so deeply these days.why? because I love you.

looks like i haven't gone too out of point,really.  ¶ 12:05 AM 0 comments

  things unsaid was i disillusioned
were my eyes closed
as i reached out for you
thought you had your arms outstretched
took strength from you
fell into you

was i frightened
was my heart beating too fast
as i held you so closely
unwilling to let you run away from me
cried upon your shoulder
shut my eyes

was i deafened
were my hands to my ears
as i listened to you cooing
thinking you were telling me you loved me
gave you my precious heart
i loved you

was i foolish
was my head taken as well
as i realized my heart was gone
and tried desperately to make you give it back
you didn't know you had it
i didn't dare to tell

am i lost forever
am i able to leave you behind
as i choose silence over truth
so you will walk beside me as far as you can
before she comes
and i go  ¶ 1:13 AM 0 comments

    ¶ 12:28 AM 0 comments

  pour mon ange how can i be nothing
that when i whisper your name
you cannot hear me
even when you're miles away
when i speak about you
only they can appreciate it
and when i pray for you
God knows but you don't
am i mere presence
a wind stirred by my passing
a kiss of sunshine upon your face
dropping like rain from the sky
falling down your cheek
a smear of water beads together
that when i laugh you hear music
faint and far away, imagined
because i hide myself away
hoping you won't find me
unless you looked for me
if you never realize i was gone
you'd never realize i was here
waiting, wondering
perhaps that look you held
when my eyes passed yours
meant that you saw me for a bit
before you turned away unflinching
because you heard some music in the wind.  ¶ 3:27 AM 0 comments

 
my favourite.me and rach(:  ¶ 9:35 PM 0 comments

 
omg.the ahlian shot.rach meng and yong the pro  ¶ 9:35 PM 0 comments

 
chin and i!  ¶ 9:35 PM 0 comments

 
mark,meng,rach and me  ¶ 9:34 PM 0 comments

 
mark,meng,rach,me and yong  ¶ 9:34 PM 0 comments

  beautiful in God's eyes,i want GOD'S EYES. mugging season is full blown,though i have to admit im barely caught in it.im finding myself with pockets of wasted time in my day.and sometimes these pockets grow huge.

things have been on my mind.im really questioning myself..my worth..my blessings.my God.

i really wanna make a difference.a change in my life.a God-made change.i think i really have to start focussing MORE on work tho.i have to say im not totally going bonkers over my work..which i should be.this week has been rather questionable.i see God's work.yet i also see my procrastination,my laziness in my work because iv been too caught up worrying.i guess i sld have just let God do his thing and also be more hardworking.im pretty guilty for the nights and mornings wasted doing practically nothing.such a SHAME.

but actually there are more things that shame me.especially myself.as in,im ashamed of the person i am,the qualities i withhold.the hurt iv brought to my friends because of my unwillingness to change..

the camp was an eye-opener to surrender.i don't think il ever forget the lessons taught.the messages given,the hands-on experience i had to deal with.......

and i begin to wonder,who have i hurt? who have i neglected,ignored..walked over? or simply not listened to?

there isn much time to do proper brooding over this..but i guess iv been really questioning the effect of God in life.as in,im the problem here.am i really doing what Jesus wld do?am i living a life worthy of Christ?

or am i just spouting empty promises,meaningless declarations of love? love,of the world,or of God?

to anyone out there that iv never really shown real care in ACTION,im sorry,but id really like to make a change to that.

yesterday i prayed for God to give me one more chance to somehow sort things out with meng.i didn't know what i wanted to say to him,but it just felt that we had so much unsaid.that i had to SAY SOMETHING and make him listen or sth.but,i never thought such a fervent prayer cld take such a drastic turn when i left it up to God.i prayed that God wld somehow let me talk to meng and give us a proper closure.or rather,the Thing a proper closure,not that i knew what i was to say or do.i actually trusted God for once.i tried very hard to surrender it 100%.cos it was taking up so much of my thoughtlife..my heart space..my talk time.and i wanted to DO MY WORK and get on with life.but i couldn't.

turns out..i did get that chance.at the weirdest time of 'Tomorrow',which i prayed for the talking to happen.it happened at 2 plus in the early morning of TODAY..and i prayed so hard that i would speak the very words of God (1Peter4:11) ...and i tell ya,God's never solved a problem better.turns out i wasn to SAY much..i was to LISTEN.it was that chance God gave me to really show love in action.my first time having to care and listen to meng instead of the other way round..God's medication,really.i never expected He worked so fast and cut short all the steps.because in the midst of listening and trying hard not to give opinion..well,i found our friendship back to where we liked it..and that it was all over.

just.like.that.

you know i really have to thank my dearest friends.robyn,rachel.

but mainly robyn,as you can see from my tagboard..ah.

i love my leafy friend.God's really using her to simplify my life,a great meng alternative.not that either is good or bad,higher or lower.but i mean,i hope you get the idea robyn.i really really do appreciate everyth you've done for me.and i think about how unlovely i am,in terms of person..how unnerving i can get.but you STILL stick by me and let me lean on you even if it's 4 a.m. in the morning.this reminds me of a really good quote.about how it is the friends you can call at 4 a.m. in the morning that count.and she's definitely one of those friends.i love you baby.

and rachel,another 4 a.m. buddy.always the quiet understanding one.the one with her own opinion but keeps it from me if im ranting and let's me say whatever i want and try to integrate her opinion into mine.someone who shows quiet love,a silent acceptance for a friend and true loyalty in every aspect.and i guess i do overlook that fact,step on her toes while she lets me,nag at her and never really listen to her stories (even though they can get long-winded ;) ) but the crux of the matter,is that she allows me to be everyth she's not.she listens to me,i don't always have a heart to listen fully to her,but she still lets me talk.she tries to understand me,i only guess that i understand her too well and dismiss her issues without much thought sometimes..but she still bothers to try to solve my problems.im an ungrateful creep.but im proud of THIS COOL FRIEND OF MINE.

and the subject matter of the whole time,meng.sigh.you.i wrote a lot of things down to say to you,never got to tell you and don't think there's any need to anymore..but i just hope that through all things we have to endure,i thank you for putting so much faith in me,showing me so much mercy and forgiveness.really letting me have my way.but i think that iv really shown a lot a lot of ugliness of character to you,and i pray i haven't opened any profound wounds that take years to heal.and as i was looking through our camp photos just now and realized that ur this really happy guy stuck with this really unhappy girl,it makes me feel blessed.like,wow,God,this is an extremely odd pairing of friends.usually my best friends are like,something along my line of thinking.along my line of erratic behaviour.but suddenly you come along and like,knock me over and change the many many things iv come to believe.the truth,the lies,the disillusions,the prejudices.no guy has ever come close to challenging me as a person with my stubborn (VERY STUBBORN,right?) mindsets and causing me to challenge myself,my walk with God even!ur lucky number one!if there's anyth God wants us to get out of this relationship,it's definitely life-changing.and i want to be a good friend,something you have been but i clearly haven't.last night,or rather,this morning's session is just the beginning of the next stage of being buddies in Christ! or the end really,the end of the Thing.

"What we call the beginning is often the end, and to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we should start from."

T.S. Eliot, The Four Quartets  ¶ 8:40 PM 0 comments

  a little bit of nothingness who am i
that in my world i stand the tallest
and in my eyes
you are but dust floating in the wind

who am i
that you become a part of me
not i of you
because i am too great

who am i
that i can dismiss you like a fly
walk over you as i would dirt
speak to you as if you're but a child

who am i
that what i say exceeds all depth
while i pretend to listen intently to you
yet to me your words show weakness

who am i
that i may judge you cruelly
put you down when you try to lift me up
ignore your gentle hand with a slap across your cheek

who am i
that i deserve such forgiveness
when i can even challenge silence
dare it not answer me?

who am i

does the sun rise and bow to me?
do people turn and look up to me?
no! i am no one
i am a fool

because
who am i?
that you still bend down and face me
spend your time sitting with me
when your life is flying by

who am i
that you still think i'm so strong
when all i am has fallen
i'm not that strong at all

who am i
that i'm still on your side
the enemy who hurt you
the girl who's no one to you

who am i,boy? who am i?
pray do tell,my friend.

-------------------------------------------

i really don't know what's going on la.i really don't.im getting very very confused and like,rather uninterested abt finding out.can i just live in oblivion?like we all so easily do?

ZHENG.ROBYN.RACHEL.

argh,nevermind.  ¶ 1:06 AM 0 comments

  things to learn 10 things to talk to girls about

1. their day, because you'd get an earful about how dramatic it was.
note: must sound equally excited and offer a few insightful comments.the word 'few' is key,because you must not cut her story off with your own.
2. cute guys, or maybe both cute and not cute.even if you cannot possibly relate,don't ever mention cute girls.girls can talk about cute guys and you must sound interested but when guys talk about cute girls they're just being horny.girls don't do horny.face it,it's the injustice of life.
3. your problems, girls love your problems.it makes them feel responsible for you and this promotes emotions of care and concern.which will rate how much a girl likes you too.if she likes you a lot,she'd put herself in your shoes and try to solve the whole thing for you.if she doesn't like you,she'll still listen cos it's sweet when guys share their burdens.
4. GOD.nothing beats talking about God and spiritual stuff,your walk with Him,your beliefs,your love for Christ.it's a very healthy topic to talk about,plus really personal but God-related issues get brought up.show the girl how serious you are about God and your relationship with Him.when your vertical relationship is good,so will your horizontal.quote..keith(:
5. her problems.seriously one of the nicest things a guy could do is to offer an ear when a girl needs to talk.regardless of time,length of conversation..your own state of mind (jammed,dead,incompetent to listen..etc).all that matters is that you put your heart into listening to her.be sad when she's sad,give sensitive and well-thought advice.inspire her,and most importantly believe in her ability to handle the situation.you don't have to do anything else.
6. her family! her life! or anything about her.like stuff she likes to do,her ideals.seriously anything.it makes anyone feel special and cared for.like,you actually want to know! well,seek and you shall find.you also get to know so much more about her in the process.can add in a bit about yourself,but only if she wants to know and is not too self-absorbed.
7. continue past conversation topics.follow-up lets her know you were thinking about what she's said before,remember the things she talked about..check up on how she's doing in relation to the stuff she went through previously.this shows how seriously you take her and whatever comes with her.and she'll keep you logged in to the 'people to update' list.if that's what you want,it means she'll talk to you more.
8. funny things she's done before.stuff you've seen her do that amused you,tickled you or maybe they din do anyth for you but did for everyone else.tell a girl how amusing you find her.it's a sign of affection to the girl.note that the line between funnily amusing and annoyingly idiotic is very thin.MUST be entirely honest.if you guess she was really embarrassed about it,don't make her mad bringing it up again.cos she'll have to explain herself,and that's way awkward.
9. stories from your school to entertain her.or perhaps ANYTHING that you anticipate would entertain her.keep track of stuff she finds funny,unless she finds like everything funny to a certain extent.this is a cue taken from meng: if she finds your quirky habits (like saying mm-hmm,okay,i dunno...etc) funny,accentuate them.don't be afraid to lose face and sound really stupid.girls appreciate daring.point out her quirky habits too (like how i like to say 'yeah right' a whole lot) so we can all just laugh at each other.
10. how much you appreciate her.so so important.don't over do it.but once in a while be honest with her and tell her how much she means to you.only if she means anything at all,otherwise i think she'd rather not know how irritating you find her or something.don't be afraid to bare your soul if she really means a lot to you.but make fully sure that she isn't playing with your feelings first.if she tells you randomly she appreciates you,give it back in your own words.be very very honest.she can tell.and she'll love you for it.

10 things not to talk to girls about

1. already mentioned,don't talk about hot girls.in moderation will do to show you're normal.but please don't go into detail about how her only flaw are her ears that stick out. (pokes meng)
2. sensitive issues like her obvious flaws.unless she cues you to talk about them,as in her problems..then you must listen but offer minimal personal opinion.if you're insensitive to her sensitive issues,good luck to you.
3. one thing not to say to a girl,would be to not say anything at all.that sucks.girls call you to talk,not appreciate how deep thinking and THUS silent you are.
4. about how irresponsible you are.taking a cue from steph here.don't show how terrible you are,how ungentlemanly you can be (pokes zheng) and all your weird chauvinistic ideas against girls.don't be anti-girl in front of girls (JABS zheng) even if you're not THAT anti-girl.
5. about how her character..her this or that is weak..how she is not as good as other girls.basically don't compare her with your mum,your sister,your other girl friends..don't.girls have egos too (i don't think im like the only one la,please) so don't attempt to crush them.it's not nice.
6. don't insult her friends.even worse her family.this one is self-explainatory..did i spell that right? explanatory....?
7. about your own gross bodily defects.like groin aches,groin abrasions,athlete's foot...the works.the gross guy things that girls would loath to hear about.it's disgusting.anything disgusting does not go.unless the girl is rachel ho,and thus she loves talking about gross bodily defects.like puffy eyelids.oh,and lewd things are understandably a NO NO.
8. ANNOYING THINGS.this is SO from daniel (zheng's danny darling).like short one-liners that don't mean a thing and END there and then that there's no room for any more conversations.stuff like 'haha' and 'uh hmm' and 'i see' are SO not good conversation fillers.seriously.daniel,im damn annoyed at that.BOO to you.
9. about weird rumours about her (or her friends) that are obviously not true.like,the thing you heard about her and some other entirely weird guy.no WAY.if she's like already damn annoyed by other people about it..don't push the button again and cause her to be so pissed at you that she hangs up,blocks you,slaps you (haha esmond) and yeah.don't.she won't forget.neither will she let you forget.
10. how you're really bored with the conversation..how're ur not interested (even signs of it are bad enough) or how you simply can't be bothered to reply her properly.even if you don't mean it but your responses (or lack of them) show it..well it's reflects very badly on how gentlemanly you are.and if you're already not gentlemanly this is probably the end of your friendship.she won't call you again.unless that's what you want,it's not a good thing.

10 things to do to/for/with the girl you like

1. get on the same bus as her.send her home.or just find some reason to spend those precious otherwise boring minutes with her alone,where talking is the only thing to do.OR if you have a car,offer her a lift home.as ryan cabrera says it,anything to be with you.
2. draw something for her.write her a song.a poem.a letter.girls appreciate little self-made gifts more than anything money can buy.because guys hardly do such things..the fact that you bothered to spend brains and time on such a thing..is so touching.anything that requires effort is worth commending when done.especially from a lazy guy.
3. if she's busy,offer to help her.don't be shy to help out with whatever she's up to.actually all guys should do that.sam chin's like damn good at being a gentleman and offering a hand whenever he can.when she's freaking out and looks all flustered with things to do,a gentle offer of help or maybe just support can brighten up the day.she won't forget your kindness.
4. don't just stand there when she's standing around.go up to her and just say hi.most girls are good conversationalists so saying hi is sufficient to get the engine running and you don't have to worry about what to say actually.just don't look so nervous,like you're on the verge of having a heart attack.then she won't be nervous either and things will go smoothly.
5. if you see her walking down towards you in the opposite direction..you must never ignore her or look at your feet or somewhere else.not even if your heart is beating so fast and you don't dare to look at her.she'll take offence (if you know each other) and take it that you're too proud/arrogant/ego to say hello or something.
6. open doors.pick up things she drops.carry her bag when she needs to use the toilet.lend her your handphone when she needs it.do what she tells you too, if it's reasonable.do these all voluntarily.remember your manners.be as charming as possible throughout.something like being a doorman,bell boy..personal butler..yeah.
7. take pictures with her if she likes taking pictures.sing a song for her if she likes singing songs.pray with her,for her.get along with her parents and siblings.be on her side,yet hold your own opinion.give in to her,yet remain the man.it's all about letting her have her way,your way.
8. i guess it is alright to tease her a bit,prank her a little.in the good natured fun boys all enjoy.apparently the more they annoy you the more they like you.so,annoy her without malice.let her know after that that you still find her entirely adorable,maybe even more when she's annoyed.then drop the whole issue and move on before it turns from teasing to scorn.
9. message her.just to let her know you're still there and are thinking about her.message her little details about your day,how you're feeling.keep her in sync with your life if you like her that much.it makes her feel involved and this helps to build your friendship up, when you both know what's going on on each side.
10. call her.spend time with her.nothing beats companionship.and in all you do,be honest,forthcoming and true to yourself.if you want to talk to her,talk to her.if you want to tell her something,say it.i guess it boils down to following your own instinct.and entrusting your lives into God's hands.(:  ¶ 9:41 PM 0 comments

  love free flow i need to get it out of my system! my tiny little heart is going to break down from overload of joy soon.(: i shall write an ode to the most beautiful closure of a long term suffering.

let me remember how it started
one cold cold night,and i sat under her blanket
shivering and writing
wondering what to talk to her about
she stood at the mirror combing her hair
preening
looking pretty
i had to say something to break the silence
so i asked her where her heart lay
did it lie with him?
she turned and looked at me and said
horror on her face
no
of course it doesn't
and then she told me this awful truth
so shocking it made me laugh
no way i said
don't tell a soul she said
and from then on i held her secret
talk we did about him whenever we walked together
sat together
waited for the bus together
talk and talk
i asked a lot, so what now?
and she'd shrug her bony shoulders and say
i don't know, there's nothing to do
nothing i do would make him look at me
nothing i say would make him like me
let's forget this, leave it be
all i could do was watch this innocent love let die
so i promised myself i would change her world
i tried
for months i plotted and schemed
spoke to him, mentioned her name
once or twice i got it in but he seemed to not care
not look at her
not like her
and for months this dragged on
my nudging and consoling
suggesting
and hoping
nothing
many times i wondered why i did this
was this for her?
was this for him?
and then they got the wrong idea
thought i was up to something for myself
drilled it into me, agonizing my cause
until i grew confused and almost believed them
perhaps there's something wrong with me
but i loved her as my own sister
i believed i could change her world if i tried
endured the pain a little longer
sacrificed a little more
although there were times i felt helpless
hopeless
hope floats
one day i sat again with her and she sighed
that silly sigh
ignorant fools we were
for when i asked her to be his friend
it was the best question i'd ever asked
she picked up Courage
dropped off Fear
and marched ahead to meet him
and in the week that flew by us
he became her friend and her Hope grew
but he'll never like me she'd say
shut up, you don't know a thing i'd reply
not that i knew anything however (:
a few nights later i provoked the two
a chain reaction sparked
truth revealed
his truth revealed
and we all hereby witnessed,
the ultimate love story of all.

he<3her
till death do them part.  ¶ 10:30 PM 0 comments

  looking back on the things we've done rach calls it the ultimate love story.

it's better than walk to remember.it's better than titanic.it beats any cinderella story.she's any time better than hillary duff.he...well let's say on par with chad michael murray(:

now let me show you the shape of their hearts.

23rd May 2006, who will ever forget?  ¶ 11:30 PM 0 comments

  inexplicable things how can it be that the things that are deemed to matter the most matter the least? and how is it possible that there are things no words can paint,no mind but their person's can conceive?

it seems that there are certain situations where what is right to someone can feel so wrong,yet be right again in relation to another.situations when the heart should not be breaking yet already lies broken,times when even the closest of hearts cannot possibly fathom the complications that have arisen in the heart of an innocent being he loves as his sister.her pain he can listen to,but her pain he cannot agree with or feel -- the pain that cannot be comprehended.

or the happiness one can wish to another,even when the heart has been squeezed to drought of any source of happiness.this too the happy soul can thrive on,but it is this very wish of happiness that kills the wisher further.a brutal stab to a heart long dead,long denied the blood of love which keeps it full.

this suffering only the wearer of the soul can suffer,this helplessness only the keeper of the mind can smother in.when a beautiful smile hides the rotten emotions that dwell beneath,a twinkling eye that shies away from knowing gazes that know the twinkle is but a tear.

the mind moves along from one thought to another.a running film of imagination and illusion,faded memories and exposed weaknesses.a life of shame concealed within a head,a head that is lifted high to oppose a life so low.it is this mind that knows what is to be done,yet it is also this mind that poses barrier to the intuitions of the heart.the mind hears the right things being done and rejoices,the selfish heart rebukes such folly and makes its person stupid with false hope.

the heart is supposed to be of the mind,yet in crises it cannot be controlled.in the wise eyes of the girl she has already lost the battle,but in her bitter heart she has yet to lose the war.one part of her retreats to mend in sorrow,the other remains to be dealt the final blow.

there may be no more wind above the ocean..but the butterfly has yet to die.the wind is hers to float in,the wind is hers to kiss.the wind has flown away from the grasp of the waves below,the waters which now hesitate to pull it back into their desperate arms.

you are like water,sometimes like the wind;the more i try to hold onto,the less i get.  ¶ 1:42 AM 0 comments

  meng's house today was blessed by God.GOD GOD GOD!(:was so high listening to planetshakers songs yest.became sooo happy.i thank GOD for being there for me when i most need it,for answering my questions..for just showing his awesome power in my life..(: thanks God.

well today there was supposed to be 2.4 napha run for me,which i ended up not taking cos they wanted us to take 5 items all together.so,it went pretty well!(: confirm silver alr.all i need to do is to pass 2.4(:

aft that there were 2 matches on..rach and ryl were at CCAB supporting soccer..which started at 3!!! so by the time i set off it was 4 sth.i obviously missed the match,VJ won duh.but in the end i din even GET to CCAB cos i called rach and rach told me to get off 48 cos she din noe 48 goes straight to CCAB.i ended up stranded with no more ez link money..no more coins..and SCGS.so i went in,collected my cert..went to find MS GOH!!!(:then rach came over and we caught up with ms goh.

okay my comp is SO jamming cos im ripping the planetshakers cd in.

thennn at abt 6,i suggested that since we were at the bukit timah area,why not go to meng's house?

so we did! nice house u got there meng.can be featured on SUPERHOMES! hahaha(:super hooomeeeenggggg

my comp is jamming.more abt great day tmr.(:  ¶ 11:27 PM 0 comments

  butterflies and the boy
basically,i hope my life is changing for the better.just the other day i was praying for God to send me someone to help me out with my little messed up and sad life,and last night i kinda ended up talking to meng abt my life issues and it was a fantastic breath of air.

to think it started off with him saying sth wrong and me getting very hurt and angry and blocking him.then while i got rach to tell him to make a good apology,he went to stuff his face with noodles and i got even more pissed.so i just went offline,listened to emo song konstantine sent by zwing.sent meng a 'do u haf anyth to say' msg then i went to the toilet,thot abt how this was a little unbearable and decided to just call him.considering i took an hour to get down to doing so and thinking he was probably happily sleeping and unaffected..i hoped to awaken him and blast an explanation out of him.

the story goes that he was in the process of thinking what to reply me and did pick up on almost first ring.he as usual cld not really get anyth he really wanted to say out cos his brain kept breaking down half way.so he was like saying 'actually i feel that you know ..i dunno' (sth along those anticlimax lines) and he thot i had been crying so he was quite scared and din noe wat to say.i had not been crying.

and yeah so we talked things out,despite his brainlag,brainspoil and braindying state.said a lot of things that enlightened me and touched me.he seriously is really wise for a guy (a very nice asshole!!hahaha) and typo'd verbally (negativity is ur greatest barrel...burial.....BARRIER).made me sigh,made me cry and made me laugh again.iv never revealed such innermost thoughts b4 to anyone that deeply and heartfelt.did complain once to tinsley..but this morning's (3a.m.) talk was probably the deepest iv ever gone with anyone abt my most vulnerable side.

meng thinks i cut myself.HAHA.the joke abt cutting ourselves once we hung up was a good one man! hahaha.he was saying to think of butterflies (which i bet means think of you right) whenever i got sad and to just keep running on.so when i woke up this morning thanks to the 9 30 alarm i set for zheng's xbox controllers' sake..i thought things thru again.and suddenly decided to go for a run.meng was in spirit all the way.(:

so i thought of pale purple,pink and faint green butterflies and kept running.

now,i found the butterfly song by mariah carey.used to like it quite a lot.but now that i look at the lyrics do i realize that i was telling rachel after that meng-getting-a-girlfriend episode that i felt that he was just this butterfly i was keeping in a glass jar,and one day id have to set him free.and this totally coincides with his butterfly thing yesterday,just that it din occur to me how both ends met and he actually made a lot of sense saying to think of butterflies and him or sth.gosh,we're good.

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands
And watch you rise
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you to become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
-Mariah Carey

how rather apt it all is,really.

  ¶ 2:32 PM 0 comments

  3 poems and a goodbye Dramatic ironies:

you are like water
the more i try to hold onto
the less i get

you are a hole in my heart
the more i try to take from you
the more empty i am

you are oxygen in the air
just one breath taken
and it's never enough

yet you are another's
i can touch you
feel you
breathe you

drown in you
steal you
desperately need you

but i can't have you.

Wishful thinks:

there you are
catching my gaze
not letting me off easily
there you go again
frightening me out of my wits
stealing words from me
there you stand
waiting for me to say something
but you aren't giving me a clue of what to say
there you walk
suddenly not hurrying away from me
did you want me to stop you?
there you sit crying
or at least I would have
if I loved a girl whom I thought didn't love me.

Waking dreams:

All There Is by Rachel Ho

Moments
All I own
Do they really matter?

No.
Holding on
To that line
Intense towards my side
Everywhere
But you.

Yes it matters.

Goodbye,off you go.  ¶ 11:34 PM 0 comments

  to my best friend losing you
could very well be
losing my definition
the smile across my face

the sun in the sky
that darkens when the
signs of a dark age
closes in upon the world

you are
the littlest fibre in my being
pulling this thread
would cause the carpet to crumble

to pieces
i might remain for a long long time
a wandering soul in the desert
looking for that oasis i need

i need you meng.
many things i've said
many times i've just closed my eyes
and wonder how i got on without you

i know i can
but i don't want to yet
the most wonderful platonic thing
that has ever happened to me

bring me back to Victorian times
where i can lie back with
friendship love
no notion of bloody romance

the things you do for me
the nights you stayed up to talk
times i failed to tell you
you're still the best boy

but i always say what i like
ignore you and walk over you
that when i tell the truth
you have already left

the truth is
i call you darling not to be vain
but because you've warmed my tiny heart
incapable of loving you more

so

tell her you love her
and i will love her as you do
but please don't leave me yet
i think i still need you here.

love,jonk.  ¶ 6:29 PM 0 comments

  MENG ROCKS i love meng like anything la. my typo-king best guy friend ever. (:

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
hahaha i always tell my good fren steph that having u as a friend rocks more than her and her guy friends

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
then she agrees cos her guy friends all a lot of prob one

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
hahaha i finally met one who gives me no prob at all

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
no bad language

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
no bad attitude

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
no immature problems

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
no weird love problems

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
no warped ideas

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
can be sensitive to me

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
does not flirt with me

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
wah fantastic la

Life is easy when there are directions:
ya but
one with many speeling errors

Life is easy when there are
directions:
selling8

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
it makes u the most special boy possibly that iv ever met  ¶ 2:28 AM 0 comments

  im cooler than a cheeseburger at war i can't get over that retarded message from daryl/orlick.anyhow's he actually came in FIRST for the run today.

ever since my birthday started,or perhaps before it even started,something tells me iv never had such a great birthday WEEK b4.like honest,from the surprise massive birthday party on sunday with all my LOVED PEOPLE,up till today..(which MAY be because after the sunday incident people keep mixing up my birthday date...everyday i get wished or sth) yeah,iv never felt SO so So sO loved (: ah,swoon.

anyhows yes.but when my real birthday TODAY (okay!! it's TODAY) came at 12 plus last night,i had not only kinda forgotten all about it (and remembered claudia's birthday..which was yesterday,instead), also was spending half of my night (before i slept) crying about today's stupid napha run which i din even take in the end because i had the worse case of cramps ever.possibly because of all the laughing a14 never fails to bring me.cldn even eat lunch la wanted to puke.whatever,im quite happy i din run,altho my old class s56 showed up (not all..) to run with me!! the thought that counts.so absolutely sweet right.got a card from both classes.

they'll run with me next time.

i think iv had the best birthday ever.

first willis wished me.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY WILLIS!!!!!! our birthday DAY rocks la.

okay so it starts with last night with me whining away online about how terrible tomorrow will be..being all EMO again,which led to steph and ryl and rowe and trinette and ZWING comforting me like mad..and zheng accusing me of being emo and not comforting me...and yeah so i was planning on having a really bad next day.birthday.whatever.

but after a while steph was nice enough to get my mind off things by making me explore her nat's blog..and after that i decided to blog hop abit,got onto kenneth kang's blog..and ended up at the infamous colin and kero blog.oh my gosh.im not going to link them,but.seriously.some serious weird stuff in there man.so i had to show zheng of course,since he's so against such...things.

then i showed whoever i was talking to online and we all got grossed out together,esp esp zheng.mission accomplished.after that i started feeling more relaxed at about 11 sth although zwing specifically told me to go and sleep by 10 so i cld run better...but i cldn! got so relaxed i cldn get offline.cldn function with work either.so i din do a thing.cept talk to ryl and zheng till about 12.i think talking helped get my mind off things a lot.

zheng,i know ur not gona be reading this but i think you were quite funny last night and that helped a lot.thanks.the daniel thing was...*PURE INFATUATION!!!!*,NOT.but i added him anyway. HAH.

yeah so after that claud and zwing msgd me at 12 sth saying possibly the exact same thing (was this some chain mail thing? or do great minds think alike...) abt how at 01:02:03 time on the 040506..which is today,this time and date will NEVER OCCUR AGAIN for another few gazillion years or so.really? ah,made me feel soooo special hahaha.

i was desperately offline and trying to sleep but i COULDN.so couldn.i duno why.kept thinking about the run and also maybe it was because i slept 3 hours in the afternoon feeling depressed....i couldn sleep for once.zwing was like...woman! sleep NOW NOW NOW! at about 12 sth.

i just could NOT fall asleep.

i don't know if it was a good thing that zheng was up late reading too because after a few msgs i fell asleep at about 1 15 plus i think.that was his last msg.im terrible!!!!! slept so late.pretty late for a long day ahead at least.

BUT i woke up feeling happy and energetic.prayed rather hard in the morning,and had an early start to trinette's house on my AWESOME BIKE.had a pretty good day too.until gp.

the hair cream present was really sweet guys.altho it all landed on the heads of royce,daryl,eugene,willis,aaron and likuang instead of MINE.i need hair cream TOO OKAY.

oh and bryan sang happy birthday while standing on level two (and i on level one FACING THE STAFFROOM) abv the staffroom today.out loud.very very loudly.that made more than half my day bryan!!!! (: thank you.

and yeah i gotta bathe now.more birthday wishes to come i BET (: thanks to all those that have alr come today.

****eh,JABEZ AND MENG WHY DIN U WISH ME.are ur midyears more impt then ur cool little friend?(;  ¶ 5:42 PM 0 comments

  i don't care what the world throws at me now first of all,something made me decide to read the letter i wrote to God this morning before i started blogging.and i have just discovered the coolest thing ever.

"God! man. why's so many important people not coming tonight? i really wanted to spend my birthday with them Lord.. why are so many unable to come? is there a reason. i really really don't know what to do! ok, i do hope at least 10 ppl can come. but could you PLEASE grant me a miracle and make more of my VIPs come? i don't know how or what to do.. meng, robyn, cheryl, rowe, kahleng... please send them my way.. and at the very least God, make tonight really special for me.. that everything will work out right. i wanna place the event into your hands God. i had a startling revelation yesterday you know, about placing ourselves in another person's hands. that we do that not just because we have no choice, but sometimes because we have no other method of doing things that person's way. the only way we can do everything with the person and do it his way is by placing ourselves in his hands. there is a choice made. a choice when there's no other choice. and that's exactly how i want to place myself in YOUR HANDS LORD. there's nothing more i can do, no other way.. please help all things work out for the good of YOUR PURPOSE LORD. you send my guests to me tonight.. i commit all my plans to you. oh and please hold any rain tonight. give me a beautiful night please God. thank you Jesus. <3 Jonk 300406"

i mean considering what happened JUST tonight is the most amazing thing ever ever ever to happen to me.

im too lazy to blog much about it tho.kay.errr but i so so so HAVE TO.

it starts with me planning my own birthday party for tonight because basically no one seemed to be giving a damn about it so i did want to celebrate it somehow.so i planned this stargazing thing for tonight,just sit arnd the playground with a few friends and talk or sth.that's about it,and i kinda went arnd getting stuff with trinette yesterday.

so suddenly my plans go very haywire and a lot of ppl like cannot come.and all i cld do was wail to God about what i was going to do if everything totally screwed up.very unhappy.and rather sad that my most impt person rachel ho was not doing anyth abt my bday either.she was like SO uninterested and SO heck care abt my own plans.i was so damn discouraged la.so i kept praying and praying that it wun rain,that il have the ppl most impt to me there somehow..even meng,which i knew was not possible cos he said he had to study and yeahhhhhhhhh

YEAHHHHH so i believed all their nonsense.

all i rmb of the blur of events that followed was...i was pissed at rach,discouraged abt the stupid party,and trinette shows up at my house at 7 to 'help' me.ah.and to think SHE KNEW ALL ALONG.i was there moaning about how i din think anyone wld come..and was rather sad..she's such a faker la.stef said she was at jo's house and was gona come over to the playground alr with jo..and sucker called to say she was lost at the mrt...so i had to go to the playground to meet stef and trinette to find sucker...well so i met stef, but no jo..because jo was caught up at home.. (HAH I KNOW WHY NOW).and i ate dinner by myself in the park while waiting for stef.so sad right.haha.

then aft that sucker calls and says they're alr back at my house..marilyn's there..and then zwing calls and says she'll be at the mrt..so i rush to meet zwing..meet liao along the way going to my house..then shan calls and says shes also at the mrt...so i send zwing to go find her while i talk to liao.then i figure shan is taking too long to show..so i cycle down the mrt and find her across the road,but no zwing.shan rushes to go find her..and after a good 15 plus minutes i panic like mad that zwing has been kidnapped.images of Missing kept flashing in my mind.esp the part where the commentary goes..on April 30th 2006...Pang Sing Ying was going to a birthday party....that was the last Joanne ever saw of her again.

gosh.yeah but we found her soon after THANK GOD.prayed so hard she wasn kidnapped.cos then it wld be my fault for making her go find shan by herself.

at this time stef and sucker keep calling me cos iv been gone for a long time.nv occured to me why they did cept that cos they were getting impatient.so i wanted to at first send shan to the playground..then sucker keeps calling to say my mum says COME HOME NOW to get stuff..so shan says she'll walk to the playground herself.and that she knew how to..so i left with zwing for home (NOW I KNOW WHY).when we get home,all the stuffs packed.liao..sucker..marilyn..trinette.then amanda.we all carry stuff to the playground..when i give zwing a ride so she wun haf to walk.so im feeling quite alrite..quite happy some ppl are here.all i was expecting was stef,jo,sucker,liao,amanda,trin,zwing and me...cos rachel said she wld be late, which made me freak and rather pissed.hahaha.

so i get to the playground..but before i do i see stef and jolene parked on a park bench instead of where i left stef..which was the slides.then stef says she left some stuff in the pavillion so let's turn the other way and go there first..so im like,er.okay...but i din wanna cos it was the long way arnd to the playground.until stef starts yelling ouch cos she apparently fell down at ECP so i turned in that direction and started following her to see if she was okay.then i see this walkway of candles on the path she's taking..and it was rather sweet but i was ..er,why are all the candles i provided stuck in the same spot and no the playground?? then i push my bike thru the line of candles lining each side of the path and there's this 'JONK' word formed with candles at the end of it.stef was like,oh we did it for u (stef jo and shan...??) and so i was rather touched and said yeah it's really nice!

all of a sudden i think there was this yell,and i turn to where it came from which was the bushes on the far right of the small field next to the path..and i see this huge stream of people spewing out from behind the bushes..and ur mind is spinning so fast in the wrong direction it's impossible to think about what's going on..and there's this little corner of brain that screams UR FRIENDS! and im like WHO? and i see brandon frolicking towards me,meng teetering arnd, CARON grinning like mad (SHE FAKED THAT SHE WLDN COME) and then comes the grand finale and rachel ho comes in from the side with backstreet's back blasting from her stereo and i totally know WHO DID ALL THIS.there were so many ppl la.just standing arnd and laughing and saying surprise. i saw dave and was like..if rach did all this how did she get so many ppl she barely knows to come?? then the cameras are flashing and all i can do is cry in shock cos it's all so beautiful literally.exhiliratingx10000000

oh,and suddenly,ROWE's there.and im like,she din even answer my calls and said she probably cldn come.AND shan ..that faker.was asking me abt if roweee was coming and i told her,she says she'll be late.oh well.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

iv been PUNK'D.

and i had VIPs.reallllly interesting yeah.but to make it really clear,when they were like oh wait ur boyfriend is coming i was thinking of jon..josh..sam..and was quite happy that perhaps these ppl cld turn up.then dave lets the cat out of the bag by saying,oh zheng ah? cheh.

but it was nice in the end cos ding! and zheng showed up later so we cut cake and it was all so sweet and everyth that rachel stef and meng came up with this whole idea for my birthday..and it was just,awesome.

iv never felt SO loved by SO many ppl b4.

AND ROBYN KNEW! she kept telling me this morning..consolling me that OHHH...10 ppl is good.10 ppl is really good!HAH.

then we just sit arnd..OH yeah AND altho i alr knew,trinette and GANG got me a NEW BIKE.the most amazing thing EVERRRRR next to the party.if trinette hadn told me earlier that they were getting me a bike..i wld have cried even more today.but,it's REALLY SMALL and JUST FOR ME.sooooooo SWEEETTTTT I LOVE YOU GUYS.

and we have good music courtesy of rachel who said she got pissed at me for disturbing their plans..but if u ask me i think planning my own bday party kinda helped them in getting me out of the house and really distracted by the lack of guests that i din even really think much if this was all a big joke.

andddd yeah so we split into grps.the guys with soccer..trinette with sucker,liao,amanda,her bro and my bro..ZWING...to her house for dinner.steffy and jolene got to talk to the other two kenneths loe and ong,i rowe marilyn shan rach tgt AGAIN (i thot none of the get-togethers wld come la) yeah and the guys with SOCCER again..

sparkler night.meng and his flare.and whining sparklers..ah well,im just in awe of all the candles and lights and fire..

i got new earrings from caron!and iv almost finished her sweets..and zwing gave me an ugly little lamb.SO CUTE.and her mum gave me a white rose!!! so pretty.best of all tho...was GOD'S gifts to me:

JESUS so i can talk to him anytime i want

RACHEL STEF AND MENG for planning the greatest night of my life (so much better than prom..i was not even dressed up well)

THE GET-TOGETHERS the best group of ppl ever from SC whom i dun ever ever wanna forget

MY CHURCH BUDDIES the ppl i love so much and who make up the largest part of my social circle

EVERYTHING AND MORE THAT I COULD EVER WANT He answered my prayers more than 2-fold.with MORE than i myself cld even EXPECT.a beautiful night made DROP DEAD GORGEOUS.HE WORKED IT ALL RIGHT.

MY GUESTS: in alphabetical order..hope i don't leave out anyone
AMANDA..thanks for the BIKE man..im so SO touched
BRANDON..my good good good good friend who was 'supposed to have dinner somewhere tonight eh..'
CARON..you possessed woman!!! FAKE ME ONLY.
CHIN..you CAME! haha all because im ur mei u wldn mind if it was all girls(:
DAVID..HAHA! TBBITW thanks for coming!!!
DING..AHH! dingggg thanks for always being nice to me(:
(GOD ALSO WAS THERE!all the way man.)
JOLENE..babe you sly thing..keep going home to stall me eh.
KENNETH LOE..HAHA honored to be invited?
KENNETH ONG..i know you love my red bike.please take susie home.(HAH iv named the red bike susie on impulse less than 5 seconds ago)
KENNETH WONG HO MENGGGGG (SISTERS FOREVER!i cannot say enough.you skeez!!!! talk to me so much and scheme against me behind my back!!! i love you la!)
LIAO..YOU also knew!?!? ahahah and u just were thinking of coming eh.
MARILYN..thanks SO much for the cake man!!! i must go find ur present downstairs..
MARK..HELLO!!! another one part of the whole scam!!!!!never even mention to me at ALL!
rachel ho ruizhen (babe i love you so so SO much.i thank GOD for you my bestfriend!!!!)
ROWE..ur the first name in my BLACK LIST book.keep msging michelle!im jealous la.love you babe.
SHAN..number one FAKER LA.keep asking..so who's coming???? to make me sad la.
STEF (SISTERS FOREVER TOO!!! i love the slippers!!!)
SUCKER..you suck.to think you managed to conceal all that info behind all that laughing!!!!
TRINETTE..i cld never do without you helping me out allllll the time(:LOVEYACYCLINGBUDDY.
YONG EN..act stupid only when i asked u to come tonight eh.
ZHENG..HAHA my VIP who din say a word to me RIGHT.
ZWING..woman can i say more? you're my BOF forevermore.


and

after reading all this,you DO realize that God was part of the whole scam too right?

it didn't rain a drop.  ¶ 1:00 AM 0 comments

 
i kinda like this one.this is for not blogging for quite long! (:  ¶ 1:26 AM 0 comments

  "iv seen it all and it's never enough;
it keeps leaving me needing you.

take me away,take me away;
iv got nothing left to say;
just take me away."

my whole life is like bullshit.you step back,take a good look at it and want to say,what bullshit;that can't be happening.

i keep doing this to myself,im a total embarrassment to myself.what the hell am i doing over there?who did i ever think i was.seriously not anyone worthy of anything right?

it's all bullshit.i came up with it myself,really.

there are reasons why i do things the way i do,do the things i do.it's called fantasy in reality.sometimes the best way to do that,is through writing.no one can fault you.no one has to know who is who.you can just live out that little happiness in what you write,revel in the satisfaction of dreaming.bullshit all you want.

im plain stupid,i knew that,but just figured that out.

"don't give up on me yet;
don't forget who i am.
i know im not there yet,
but don't let me stay here alone."  ¶ 11:43 PM 0 comments

  it is finished.

"you know that I love you. You know that I have loved you long and dearly." -Pip to Estella in Great Expectations

this could possibly just another pseudo part of dicken's book where things just cannot happen the way they do in the book as they would in real life.i don't see how pip could ever like estella the way he does,it's just ridiculous.love? my foot.but as dicken's is a guy,the whole approach to pip's emotions for estella is straightforward,uncomplicated,very unrealistic.whilst everything else in the book is not any more realistic,the love story of the book documents the uncomplex reaction of hatred towards a love gone-astray, and unquestionable love for someone you barely know.as a consolation,estella is beautiful,which makes the love story of pip and her even more superficial.pip is an ass.

but judging the quote above without any other context,the statement seems to really hit home.the line is just so nostalgic,melancholic.whatever.for once dicken's managed to capture honest human emotion.a confession of a love that lasts through all ugliness of character,disappointment in friendship and distance of relationship.a quotable.

i think the tides have really turned this year.things are happening inside me.notions i have come to accept finally from the past are dying.my dude-craziness rose,got everyone's attention,forced me to admit things i would have never admitted,brought me closer to ppl i never would have thought id be close to.looking back on these months,iv changed.it may be for the better.instead of suppressing the reality of who i am inside,coming out into the open and just appreciating boys outloud for the blessed beings they can be has actually changed other aspects of my life.it has rushed past and upset my mindset of the taboo of ever loving someone unrequitedly,of hiding emotions away and getting all tangled and confused inside.sometimes things just have to be sorted out in the open,only then can the knots be undone and let go to the wind.

i have loved long,long and dearly like pip did,long and hard and now freely.but it comes to a point as such today,when i am forced to take a breath of the situation and decide that perhaps everything iv ever done to fill the hole i placed his name in has been done,and nothing has changed much.everything i ever got and built is as empty as ever.the foundation of something requited is just not there.it never will be,honestly.nothing will ever happen.it was all a facade i deceived myself with.i don't regret a thing iv done,no matter how long it has taken me.it has made me stronger,and truer to myself.

do things like these happen to only me? only the people who are unable to get the one they love to love them? these people would rather not love because it ends up meaningless and empty at the end of the day.as rachel was telling me yesterday,in the end it's only me.quoting steph's blog,'i would rather be alone,than lonely'.

i think it doesn matter who can take the place iv reserved far too long.there can be no one i guess,because whatever i expect can only be fulfilled by one person.a template no one else can fit.even if there never comes a day when someone else takes top spot,i look back at all my great friends and they're all ready to catch me when i fall.friendship supercedes all else.a love story between each of us friends that stays platonic,special and comforting.and even if i do guess that that person already does exist,suspect that something else lies beneath the surface of things waiting to explode,or am moved by influence into boundaries i don't really wish to cross,in the end it's only me.i make the choice.i have the power to do what i want.to take my own sweet time.there's all the time to take anyway.

this isn giving up.this isn letting go.this is putting down.like a child holds forbidden candy that isn't hers,only to deliberate for a period of time before it's evident that perhaps she should just place the candy back.it never was hers,but she did hold it,she didn't throw it away.she just put it down.it's still there lying in wait for a more deserving someone to take and eat,but to the child it always will be there,something she wanted,never got,but never disappeared.

to you;it's not something in the air,or the crazy notion of love.you've opened a chasm deep inside me,you didn't fill it,i didn't fill it.no one ever can.it'll never close,but i think it's time to move along.  ¶ 2:44 PM 0 comments

  im being a complete embarrassment to myself,since ppl keep misinterpreting me.i have quit being boycrazy,please do note this.

i have changed for the better!

basically besides noting iv been blogging about totally utter rubbish at totally retarded times of night,im not proud of anyth about myself for now cept that iv conquered the amazing road to changi jetty AND completed GREAT EX.

followup to prior blog post posted 10 minutes ago,basically i may have met someone who impresses me more than i do myself.oh and my mother made me think about what kind of person im going to marry.she's afraid it'll be someone she doesn like.

on a lighter note,dave's back again tonight.probably already back home snoozing.

and speaking of snoozing,i bet i wun be able to wake up tmr for GOODFRIDAY SERVICE (yay jesus died for ME!/US!) thus my snooze button might just be overused.

it's great having you back tbbitw.(:  ¶ 2:05 AM 0 comments

  gosh,somethings awfully wrong with me.i can't blog right,i can't talk right.i can't think right.as in,not that im thinking anyth wrong,but just,i think im a little warped now.

like,some force has taken over me.it may be unhealthy.

is it unhealthy to not like a person yet be so drawn to him/her in a nonromantic nonobsessive but...odd kind of way?  ¶ 1:42 AM 0 comments

  a minute without you

'Cause when the minutes seem like hours
And the hours seem like days
Then a week goes by
You know it takes my breath away
All the minutes in the world
Could never take your place
There's one-thousand-four-hundred
Forty hours in my day

living in self-denial is like
the ocean without her waves
a dive beneath the surface where
waters once full of life
die breathless

when a life so empty gets
emptied once again
poured out and torn out until
it clings to the wretched love
screaming desperation

please let me love in silence
where the graves of lovers
lie in grey memory
loved once, loved her never
wretched love

shallow eyes that run deep inside
the soul that hides the truth
to feign emotion
to laugh in the face of
the fainthearted

then one day the wind blows
over the sea and the
ocean holding her breath,
quivers in his gravity
the waves turn

but the wind it comes and goes
hot and cold
turning the ocean blue and
sometimes dead
forever again

a life in self-denial kills the life
of the self slowly
a butterfly in the wind tossed
silly by his slippery existence
caught up in charm

the ocean feels the wind
across her cheek, a brush with
the beauty of his spirit
which is all he is really;
something only within

he cannot hold the true measure
of his worth
he is nothing to himself
but to the ocean he is her breath
of broken self-denial

the wind that flies slightly
above her glorious reach
sliding in and out of her palm
sprinkled with butterfly kisses
breaking her waves

living in self-denial is like
an ocean without her waves
a being torn in pieces belonging
no where, to no one
the wind might piece her

back


together.  ¶ 1:08 AM 0 comments

  getting offline im online wasting time.maths tutorials!!!!!!!

i cld start a scandal and say zheng is dating his geog tutor.HAHAHA.

but i won't.not yet.lost the evidence anyway cos my comp crashed.ahhh! haha.

iv just lived a rather wasted fraction of my life not doing anyth.

kay la there's no scandal it's just some joke.zheng wld kill me otherwise.

i miss talking to rachel,now SHE's going to kill me for putting her off so many times.RACH I LOVE YOUUU KAY.

HANSON ROCKS okay.LOST WITHOUT YOU DOES NOT SUCK.

my hanson can beat up ur dcfc zhenggg!!!  ¶ 11:36 PM 0 comments

  the world to me im gloriously wasting time on a beautiful,not very liked sunday day.i don't like sundays mainly because everyone's quite crabby on sundays,which attests to the fact that monday is after sunday and most ppl hate mondays.i especially,hate mondays.

iv just spent my afternoon out at parkway feeling crummy and being totally bitchy.at least i think i was quite bitchy.but i guess that comes from feeling so crummy.watever.and iv ironed uniform..watched dick and jane..which is such a retarded show.

ben is playing guitar again outside.it's getting very very annoying.

last night i spent like 3 hours writing econs essay.ms yip had better be sooo proud of me.i spent 3 hours preparing the essay,an hour writing it in econs..and 3 more hours completing it in total confinement at home.ah,i think im slacking again.i better do my maths tutorials and assignments NOW.speaking of which,i recently scored my first full marks for maths transformation of graphs assignment,and a second with chinese assignment.hooray for me.

readings of geog (phys AND human), great ex (...pip......nooo....), and econs NOT going down to well.im wasting too much time doing other things.reading sometimes is the hardest thing to do,which is ironic since i love reading other things like..teen mag,8 days..chic flick novels...im a bad example.

which reminds me how i was online talking to jabez till 1 30 yesterday.which is not bad for me,but very bad for someone who should be studying for O lvls.i don't know why that has made me so tired today tho.was about to agree to join meng and brandon at macs this morning,but since meng said i sldn go since i need to sleep THUS grow more..i slept till 10 plus.meng has most probably given up on making me sleep earlier.esmond however says its obviously crap that u grow more when u sleep more,since timmo sleeps the whole day yet has not grown much all these years.

ah,profound enlightenment indeed.  ¶ 5:09 PM 0 comments

  where'd you go?iv missed you so.seems like its been forever that you've been gone.please come back home. do you realize that i float
aimlessly
in mere existance
when you're gone

that i am nothing
much
without your presence
in my life

it doesn't matter where
you could possibly be
if you're near
somewhere

not too far
never close enough
but still in my mind
alive and here

i know no one knows
you probably have
no idea
about your importance to me

you don't know
how i do wish you
back here
in all honesty

do you understand
can you even feel me
saying you mean the world to me

please come back home.  ¶ 11:52 PM 0 comments

  black comedy

i paint a pretty picture
i paint it with a twist
i paint it with a razor blade
i paint it on my wrist

and if i paint it properly
a fountain would appear
and in that bloody fountain
my troubles disappear **

**as found on the board of t14,as obsessed over by the girls of a14.we are NOT self-mutilators.  ¶ 4:32 PM 0 comments

  new blog LAYOUT tgif.i love love love love my new template.it tracks the happenings over this year..first 3 months.lots of ponning,crashing.what nots (:

more about this week later (:  ¶ 5:44 PM 0 comments

  MONDAYS SUCK lalala iv been hearing loads of good music recently.this morning i passed over 10 songs to esmond.darlene zschech has good stuff!! (:

im rather sad dave is off to taiwan AGAIN for 3 weeks.not that we even see each other a lot.its just that it was nice having him somewhere around there.

right now im tooooo sian to do any maths tutorial.BAH.

i miss talking to meng.but he's too busy mugging away and has no time for me.AIYAR.

i love having rach arnd during cell(:

OOH max's birthday is on TUESDAY! must write him sth.heehee.

iv been thinking about alot of things recently.actually just one main thing.but aiyar.it makes me sad.to think that iv finally (rarr sam called and broke chain of thought) ...AIYA i duno la.it's all getting sooo close.im close to falling.but i won't DUH and can't DUH.i mean it won't mean anyth to anyone but still it disturbs me to think that this may become one special time i don't like someone for intense personality,beautiful looks,getting-along-fantastic-together..just,pure PERSON.

but it won't become anything.  ¶ 10:48 PM 0 comments

  anoi fest Anoi Fest was odd. It was not just her name, which she found (personally) rather oriental with a distinctive mystic ring to it. It was everything about her very oblivious existence that screamed, though not too noticeably, of evidence of a freak of nature. Not that Anoi was a prominent one, but it was the people who happened to stumble over her somewhere in their hugely unfortunate lives who grudgingly discovered that truth.

Anoi had a simple life and an even simpler mind. In fact, her life revolved around a few non-substantial obsessions; namely her violin Jonathan who was named after her brief online fling mate when she was barely thirteen a year ago, becoming a tall and sexy popstar, and hating her father. You couldn't tell all that just by observation of course. There was nothing much to see in the first place. People did not remember Anoi by her head, it was a small black head, of limp hay-like hair, nor her disproportionate facial features -- they hung precariously on her tiny face, as if she had stuck them on herself in the wrong size.

She might not have been remembered at all.  ¶ 12:12 AM 0 comments

  lao shu ai da mi,eh? mouse loves rice.cat wants to eat mouse.rice just sits there and does nothing.knows nothing either.neither does mouse.a fiend of a cat.

if you think i have no idea what's going,think again.i have friends on MY SIDE.  ¶ 10:56 PM 0 comments

  It started out with Brandon, Meng, Zheng and I walking through Roxy Square one torched Friday afternoon. The hottest days of the year landed around this period, and even in the surprisingly cool indoor environment of the rundown, rustic building, I could quite vividly imagine the searing heat of the sun beating down on the world outside. To a point however, having survived the erratic temperatures just an hour ago to actually get out of the house for lunch served enough experience as reminder for each of us. No one really bothered much otherwise about getting outside again.

Meng called the place 'dodgy', a word he commonly associated, as I had found out a little while before while eavesdropping on his conversation with Brandon, with worn out, fossilized hang-outs like this one. Only those who lived in the bygone era of bare-walled barber shops and well-outdated fashion boutiques could bear with its ugly corners and angles, twists and turns of old building plans. Honestly, I would not have been caught dead 'hanging-out' here after school. Not that I had a straight bus here from school, but you get the idea. The only reason I would have ever been here like I was today, was for the air-conditioning. The boys however, had brought me here to meet their good friend and trusted barber, Le Le. The primary issue at hand, was for Zheng and Brandon to get their hair cut. I never really understood why boys had to keep getting their hair cut,especially when there was already a lack of hair on their heads, much less the length of it. That problem aside, we talked and laughed, as old friends do (though that we were not, figuratively or literally) to De Barber Shop. Or at least that's what I think it was called. Some French thing.

Le Le (oh gosh that sounds French too, thinking about it) was not at the shop today, unfortunately. He was out teaching French. Okay just kidding. But he was not there today and thus the boys refused to get their hair cut by anyone else. After a quick decision, being boys, to come again tomorrow before church, we set off for home. Zheng, who had just met us during our lunch break, decided to come along too. He had to get his beloved X-Box back from Mark's possession, Mark also being my neighbour. In one of those moments of walking together where no one in particular is leading anyone else, but there is an unspoken destination, we ended up walking a subconsciously longer way to the door than I had vaguely recalled. We also ended up talking about the all-too-familiar topic on school grades. To be exact, O level grades.

Zheng and I both had A2s for both our sciences. That's as far as we got with the topic. After digging out the fact that I got the coveted A1 for English, Meng proceeded to gladly tell everyone about how I wrote my own stories, and at this sudden change of subject I got rather embarrassed about my secret trade. So I asked Meng if he was trying to annoy me, and that I had already endured a bad enough debate with my cousin the day before about how I was boy crazy. This yet-another change of discussion literally sent the boys crazy and all of a sudden the sunburnt world outside did not seem the most heated thing around anymore. It sent Brandon off into one of his giggling fits.

"But you are boy crazy." Zheng looked at me briefly and said in that I-am-so-serious tone. Being Zheng, when he actually spoke up to comment on something, it somehow came out like the Ten Commandments, Judgement Day-style, for that matter. He had this uncanny ability to make you feel bad, as I had found out in China when he accused me of being superficial. Although that time it was pretty true.

It was this tone of voice and persistence in Zheng's five worded statement that left me defenceless. In bid to look for moral support in the eyes of one of my friends, I found none as being 17 and below the normal age height requirement, Meng and Brandon, both towering above eye-level, laughed amongst themselves. It was only later that night that I unconsciously arm-twisted Zheng into revealing the reasons of his argument by putting a display picture of his face behind a crosshair. Reasons for those lay behind a much later afternoon episode where Meng borrowed my laptop whilst I was caught up in my room to watch the OC. After Zheng came over from Mark's house with his X-box, he hijacked the laptop from Meng. Peals of laughter and suspicious conversations concerning my MSN account and I drew me back outside, only to find Zheng triumphantly typing away at my computer, my MSN account blatently displayed on the screen and one very exciting conversation with Wesley, his cell member, going on. Brandon had abandoned his physics worksheets entirely and now both boys, Meng concealing laughter discreetly behind his physics notes, sat side by side. They were clearly in the midst of destroying my reputation online. But as loving Christians, the damage was minimal.

Back to arm-twisting Zheng finally at night to explain why he deemed me as boy crazy, he gave me four well thought out reasons.

1) My nicks are always somehow about boys.
2) My display pictures are somehow about boys (if not, myself).
3) I think about boys all the time.
4) I am always caught talking about hot guys.

I am simply misread, misinterpreted and misunderstood. There is sometimes no way to change that.

Meng did say however, "Go write a story about now", with regards to my A1 for English.

So I have.  ¶ 11:01 PM 1 comments

  promised rachel this   ¶ 2:44 AM 0 comments

 
rach and aunty roseeee  ¶ 1:05 AM 0 comments

 
mr manhunt number 3  ¶ 12:43 AM 0 comments

 
wow,mr manhunt number 2  ¶ 12:43 AM 0 comments

 
sam loves this picture  ¶ 12:43 AM 0 comments

 
jon tries hard to think  ¶ 12:43 AM 0 comments

 
my baby jon  ¶ 12:43 AM 0 comments

 
sam's mum gets a parking ticket  ¶ 12:43 AM 0 comments

 
sam and jonk(:  ¶ 12:40 AM 0 comments

 
faraway look again! (:  ¶ 12:39 AM 0 comments

 
see the girls in his eyes  ¶ 12:38 AM 0 comments

 
the boys sharing a toast of love,jon,aloy and sam  ¶ 12:38 AM 0 comments

 
pretty jo  ¶ 12:38 AM 0 comments

 
jeff's muscles can't beat the fantastic view behind  ¶ 12:36 AM 0 comments

 
close up of Breakwater  ¶ 12:35 AM 0 comments

 
the boyband (BREAKWATER) pose (:  ¶ 12:35 AM 0 comments

 
the martian meteorite has crash landed,but it looks like the real freaks are right in the background (:  ¶ 12:35 AM 0 comments

 
rachel says goodbye in alien language  ¶ 12:33 AM 0 comments

 
UMBRELLA EDITION:phoebe  ¶ 12:33 AM 0 comments

 
the really awesome postcard shot  ¶ 12:33 AM 0 comments

 
meng and zheng in the spacesandship  ¶ 12:33 AM 0 comments

 
i wore meng's terribly huge cop shades  ¶ 12:32 AM 0 comments

 
rachel and meng both do faraway looks and points  ¶ 12:32 AM 0 comments

 
rachel pokes meng's ALBOW (elbow)  ¶ 12:32 AM 0 comments

 
rachel and meng both attempt faraway looks in opposite directions  ¶ 12:28 AM 0 comments

 
meng arrives at the scene!  ¶ 12:28 AM 0 comments

 
rachel poses for a fake french kiss  ¶ 12:28 AM 0 comments

 
uploaded??   ¶ 12:27 AM 0 comments

 
rachel ho acts beng  ¶ 12:27 AM 0 comments

 
trinette low attemps faraway look too  ¶ 12:26 AM 0 comments

 
rachel ho sees giant chicken with one wing missing coming towards here  ¶ 12:26 AM 0 comments

 
rachel ho eats chicken wing  ¶ 12:26 AM 0 comments

 
faraway look?  ¶ 12:25 AM 0 comments

 
i took a shot with the sky  ¶ 12:24 AM 0 comments

 
rachel ho examines chicken wing  ¶ 12:23 AM 0 comments

 
UMBRELLA EDITION:sand,sky,sea,ben.  ¶ 12:23 AM 0 comments

 
UMBRELLA EDITION:er,look at the sky! whoo!  ¶ 12:22 AM 0 comments

 
UMBRELLA EDITION:a small being against a vast sky  ¶ 12:22 AM 0 comments

 
UMBRELLA EDITION:ben takes a shot with the great sky  ¶ 12:22 AM 0 comments

 
UMBRELLA EDITION:ben kinda lost balance here  ¶ 12:22 AM 0 comments

 
UMBRELLA EDITION:the nicest jump EVER,blow ben away!! (:  ¶ 12:21 AM 0 comments

 
UMBRELLA EDITION:ben's second attempt  ¶ 12:21 AM 0 comments

 
UMBRELLA EDITION:ben's first attempt  ¶ 12:20 AM 0 comments

 
UMBRELLA EDITION:sam's so skinny he doesn really need the brolly's help to whoosh him away  ¶ 12:20 AM 0 comments

 
stef and i! (: sisterrrs  ¶ 12:20 AM 0 comments

 
the boys on exile island;sam on tree,jon groping aloy,and aloy being blown away by the wind with brolly.  ¶ 12:15 AM 0 comments

 
the second team! (: see judith,georgie,sammie,adelle and wesley(the only guy)  ¶ 12:14 AM 0 comments

 
UMBRELLA EDITION:stef's turn (:  ¶ 12:12 AM 0 comments

 
jonk and darling sam  ¶ 12:12 AM 0 comments

 
two jo's (:  ¶ 12:12 AM 0 comments

 
the winning team with the sun sandship..see leonard,aloy,sam,jon,xiang,jo,max and my bro (:  ¶ 12:12 AM 0 comments

 
UMBRELLA EDITION:mary poppins (:  ¶ 12:11 AM 0 comments

 
UMBRELLA EDITION:reach for the skies,rach (:  ¶ 12:11 AM 0 comments

 
UMBRELLA EDITION:rachel ho,first jumper  ¶ 12:10 AM 0 comments

 
jon tweety on exile island  ¶ 12:10 AM 0 comments

 
al-ian devours prey  ¶ 12:09 AM 0 comments

 
mr manhunt  ¶ 12:09 AM 0 comments

 
ding,evelyn and ally  ¶ 12:09 AM 0 comments

 
ally joy and robyn,all accidentally captured together in a picture (:  ¶ 12:09 AM 0 comments

 
evelyn and the slowest group (which eventually won the whole game)  ¶ 12:08 AM 0 comments

 
robyn and jonk (:  ¶ 12:07 AM 0 comments

 
zheng,daryl,meng and ally  ¶ 12:07 AM 0 comments

 
wesley leading his girls  ¶ 12:07 AM 0 comments

 
the boys (jon,aloy and sam) on survivor:ecp,exile island  ¶ 12:07 AM 0 comments

 
this is what ppl started out with for the telematch - holding on to each other.  ¶ 12:03 AM 0 comments

  read more about me UNDERSTANDING THE GIRL ON SKATES
your guide to finally figuring me out.  ¶ 4:49 PM 0 comments

  amuse me,babe. iv been prioritizing,planning,trying to get serious abt work.

i shall start being good tmr.shall talk abt this topic on muses,since im particularly amused rite now.haha.

a muse is someone who is a source of inspiration.let me introduce my muses,past and present.i dun really know why i collect muses,but i guess being a writer i just am inspired alot by the characters/lives/beings of some special ppl,and there may be not much valid reason to it.all i know,is that my muses get my attn,my publicity,and lots of my love.hahaha is that a good thing? if u were to think abt it the simple way,as iv said b4,is that if i were a director for a movie and you the muse,i wld have parts specially written for you,and u wld definitely be considered for roles.sth like quentin and uma thurman (kill bill ppl).it's a good thing.

(the creepy looking one)
Wong Kah Leng
my first ever muse.she inspired me to write roy and kellen,which was a good story based on her then love for you-know-who.kl's someone i cldn totally figure out,yet someone i cldn get enuf of in my writing.being quiet,thinking,simple yet complex makes her one interesting person to know.plus,being such a good friend of mine,annoying her by writing abt her made it more exciting and challenging to annoy her further.


Rachel Ho Rui Zhen
she always will be my muse.such a crazy wacky girl.she inspires me because of her constant irrelevance to the world.never afraid to be the odd one out,never trying to be different,just a truly animated creature in a cliche'd environment.her passion for life,even when it consists of lazing arnd and listening to jamiroquai (sucks),can amaze anyone.i don't want to lose this muse.cos a major livewire wld be plugged out.she's my best friend too. (: love!


Jonathan Floyd Chia Wei Wen
my all time favourite muse.i love him so much.he inspired me when he was just 13 because of his daring,liberal way of treating someone older than him,especially a girl.my darling boy who didn't mind holding my hand.i somehow knew he'd be a heartbreaker in time to come.his quirkiness still lasts up to now,and all i want is for him to continue on being liberated,not bound by the conformity of the world.that's what would keep him special to me.


Joshua Poh Ren Zhong
my andy lau lookalike and sad-eyed boy.joshua's my late-night conversationalist.hahaa.the di i cld always depend on,because he'll be there for you.his even more gentle than jon character surprised me at first,but now iv learnt that josh is not equal to jon.he's a whole different person,someone with a greater maturity than most boys i know,someone also misunderstood.he inspires me to be respectful of my elders,because he respects me and loves me as his da jie.i know he does.and he never lets me down,even when i ask him to sing the same song 3 times because i like it.im proud of him.a star in his own place.


Kenneth Wong Ho Meng
this one's a headache to think about.i don't know what's so great about him.besides being nice.HAHA okay but putting some thought into it,having known meng for so long not-very-personally,i find great ability in getting along with him.there's some sort of platonic affinity in it.something just tells me he's not just another one of my good guy friends.he's like a sister also.someone i can talk to about anything at any length,someone who's very multifaceted and dimensional.a true character.he inspires me to accept boys regardless of their shortcomings,and never fails to amaze me at how someone can be so naughty,yet nice.


Samuel Tan Yong Jie
i love sam all of a sudden.he's been there the same time jon was,just that i cldn stand him cos jon was so gentle and adorable and he was so irritating,annoying,obnoxious and everyth jon wasn.hahaha!well despite all that,he's been stuck in my social circle because of jon and josh,my darling di's,and finally he's made it thru to me.im in love with knowing sam.recently before he became muse material,i observed that he's a potential hot boy in jc.when he's older at least.that's not why he's my muse.he's my muse because sam has displayed and proven to have remarkable character over the years iv known him.and i love him for that,as i have loved all my other muses for simply who they are.

so amuse me,babe.  ¶ 12:37 AM 0 comments

  The Dream List 1.must love God
2.must be able to love me for who i am,no matter what i am
3.must have a great smile (that melts you to pieces and just breaks you up inside because he just looks so happy to see you..etc)
4.must be honest,sincere and yet sensitive to my feelings
5.must not be nasty about things i am sensitive to/about
6.must have eyes that see the soul,not the person outside
7.must have nice lips,but not like angelina jolie
8.preferably fairly fit,with fairly good skin,and fairly GOOD LOOKING!
9.at the very least,cute (to me)
10.must not have bad haircut
11.must not have a smaller face than me
12.must be able to make me really laugh
13.able to surprise me
14.make me feel loved and special (aw.)
15.must have great charisma so that we get along well so that
16.i can feel free to just talk abt anyth
17.i can hang with you for ages
18.must never make me too bored or at a loss for conversation topics
19.must not be annoying to the point of driving me to the brink of frustration
20.must at least remember some stuff about me (like my BIRTHDAY for a start)
21.must not be rude/too angry with me when angry with me
22.must not hit me!
23.must not shout at me for no proper reason
24.must try not to hurt me and make me cry
25.must not make me feel lousy about myself (no personal attack)
26.must not have a short violent temper
27.must be proud of me
28.must be sporting/game and do crazy things with me (sing with me,be the face in all my photographs)
29.must not be scared of me (!!!)
30.must respect me
31.must listen to what i say when i say it
32.must not ignore me
33.must have a good AND relevant (to mine) music taste
34.must be quite cool,as in,not oldfashioned or sth
35.must LIKE me
36.must be my best friend
37.must be faithful,trustworthy
38.must have good morals,values and principles
39.must be loving and caring
40.must look good together

*dimples are 50% optional

honestly,this post was inspired by duane's own list.which is highly confidential.i decided to think up some for my own list first in the mean time.as duane's already said,this is just a dream list.

that means it's only fulfilled in dreams.

looks like i need to go to sleep more,like now. (:

oh btw,today's star trek was great...for photos..ask me online when i get back from camp.TA's (:  ¶ 12:09 AM 1 comments

  the dance god's best manager JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
hey duane,ur wanted for a dance party tonite

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
are they paying good enough?

JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
ur the star attraction

JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
they've got 5k on every move u make

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
ok
You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
tell them no paparazzi allowed

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
and more bouncers

JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
no problem.its a private event

JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
jessica alba will be there

JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
she requested to dance with you for at least one dance

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
ok

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
i've too make sure i wont look to excited

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
gotta keep my star cool

JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
hahhaa dun worry bout it duane,i hear she's equally excited to meet you

JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
after all,u are the dance god,and she's a mere mortal

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
wow

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
okok

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
thats good news

JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
will you be bringing autumn?

JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
amanda?

JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
or some other date?

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
hmm

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
what would the theme be?

JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
saturday night fever

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
hmm

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
amanda then

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
perfect

JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
have you chosen your outfit yet? make sure it's something comfortable for all that gyrating

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
yeap

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
check

JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
oh btw, i hope autumn's not mad that u chose amanda over her

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
shH!!!

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
when you've a few gfs

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
you need to say stuff cautiously man

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
you should do that, best manager

JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
wat's the count on the number of girls so far duane

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
its 4

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
more than i can handle

JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
u better not let jessica find out.she'll be so disappointed.i heard she wanted to bring you to the oscars.

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
dont worry

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
duane is as shrewd as he gets


JONKBABY*i would love to love christopher(: says:
you better have that tiger ready

You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
roar

-------------------------------------------------
You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
okok
You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
i cant stand
You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
we have to stop it
You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
really
You're my distanced destination of choice. says:
its getting into me

i think i have to start dedicating a corner of my blog to duane inspired posts.he's such a dance god.  ¶ 12:21 AM 0 comments

  Remember to Do: i cannot stand it.i keep forgetting these things!!!well..rmb'd some.

1)claud's letter ---done (fantastic)
2) go to popular ---forgot the name of book titles..(darn)
3) decide on course ---done,but took many many hours (thanks God)
4) return library books ---haven't even finished reading..(crap)
5) get 'youth church' logo from meng ---AHHH REMEMBER THIS ONE PLEASE!!!!
6) edit poster with the logo and send to darren ---BY MIDWEEK!!!!
7) get brandon classic vj tee ---end of week,when i have more money
8) ask dengzhi/keith abt poster printing ---NOT DONE both are unreachable :(
9) DO PPT FOR THIS FRIDAY'S W&I ---BETTER NOT FORGET!!!!
10) get those arts notes from huey ASAP ---SHEESH TAKING TOO LONG. >:(  ¶ 12:23 AM 0 comments

  i bet you look good on the dance floor hey duane babe.i can't be bothered to say happy birthday anymore.you go ahead without me and have a great great day.19 year old happy boy! (:

an oldie already.time to get married.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DUANE  ¶ 1:38 AM 0 comments

  here goes nothing,dearly beloved.. okay babes.since this is probably the last few days of me actually being a part of 06s56, i guess il blog here for once.iv been avoiding blogging too long,too lazy.

anyhows its not the time to be lazy now i guess.totally not.i know i have to leave,iv like said this a million times.it's inevitable.i guess no one's good at accept inevitable stuff.but we all do.there isn much choice in it is there? if it happens it happens.

i guess i never thought abt leaving as a possibility when i entered vj la.i don't really know what happened,but i guess we can't always have the easy way around things.now that i DO have to leave for..some place else..in vj or not.it's rather hard.harder at first when im having lots of fun with you guys..cracking up and falling in love with the class..but now as i start getting serious and focussing on what lies ahead of me,it does scare me honestly.scares me to death to know that my once perfect and comfortable class is going to be taken away from me,and i might not be able to again find a little corner in a huge jc where i can call my comfort zone once my name is off the register of s56.

im not a person who accepts changes easily.totally not a change-easy person.i do adapt in favourable situations..that is,situations that involve easy going non-superficial (or non-obvious-superficial) people with charisma,intelligence and plain fun in them.i don't think being an SC girl has made me the all-outgoing sort of person i think i sometimes am,rather i think that its the good and fun environment lyk our class that helps bring that out in ppl.we have fun together.no superficialities most of the time.just simple honest fun.i liked that.i still like it now.hope you guys never ever change as the jc life tgt progresses yeah.

umm,if i hadn made up my mind to NOT do chem,i wld still be pleading to stay with the class.however,knowing that i really DO NOT want to do chem and that i have to face facts that i AM NOT as smart as you guys (science freaks ;)) are,and that i really am a balanced person who's comfortable with a LITTLE bit of this and that in my subject combinations,im taking it more easily abt the leaving.now that i guess the possibility of me even staying in beloved vj is like,smaller than ever before,..well..take it one step at a time i guess.easy to say,not very easy to do..but il get over you guys soon ;) HAHA or maybe i never will?wont.

well enough of the weepy stuff.today i made a discovery about myself while lying on my bed reading the 2nd summer of the sisterhood (of the travelling pants..sorry to make u gag but ITS GOOD) i rolled over and decided to look at my china photo that's pasted on the wall.whoever's seen it,its me and a bunch of china girls all decked in winter wear.i realized,that i have INTENSE EYES! (: mona lisa eyes.like,when i do a photograph or sth,i don't just look at the camera.i look at the person looking at my photograph.it's an ongoing,moving picture.like the mona lisa.ah! it's like iv sth to tell you,and i can SEE you.it's true!good discovery for a lousy sian day thanks to the class dispersing aft assembly.

i actually went home with my bike.

okay i think im running out of things to say,so il end this one and only post by jonk HERE.if you guys ever decide to like miss me or something,rmb that it's just all of you missing one person.and that it's me,one person,missing all you guys.i love you,im quite sure.

'..then she left as quickly as she had come.'

XOXO,jonk.
VJC,06s56
2nd Jan-3rd March 2006  ¶ 10:22 PM 0 comments

  right now here is gone i wanted to blog yesterday but due to unforeseen circumstances,i went to bed early with a minor head concussion and fell asleep.

esmond and duane came over to vj yesterday.as a result i had great reason to pon chem prac and gp.4 periods.thus i spent my break time,1.5 of chem prac time waiting for them while i did my maths tutorials (which apu and kamal conveniently borrowed) b4 they actually showed up at 12.but it was good fun!basically din go to a lot of places cos i was busy avoiding the staff room and trying not to look suspiciously out of place without my class.we basically sat in the canteen and talked.duane also discovered a new method of using my walkman phone.it was really hilarious looking at the way he kept pressing and moving it in order to change/pause track.esmond,army ponner,was his usual crappy/irritating/annoying self.i duno how duane tahans it sometimes.just feel like whacking him.

but anyway,i think having both of them over was a refreshment.to spice things up,as es said.

and yeah thanks es for being a friend.

(:

talking to zheng and wes online now..im as u can see,not in sch because im still a bit puffy-eyed and wild-looking.my head also hurts from the concussion.

will ttyl.  ¶ 10:52 AM 0 comments

  live twice
i am addicted to the live twice song,THANKS A LOT ANGELA.HAHA.

anyway,nicole,God loves you.that's all im gona say now. (: i love you too.rach too.  ¶ 1:48 AM 0 comments

  black balloon

more than enough said.will blog more another time.  ¶ 12:17 AM 0 comments

  love is watching that someone die taken from deathcab's what sarah said.i finally listened to the lyrics,as zheng has been telling me to do.and i realized their songs haf like no chorus.just a whole string of poetic stuff.hahah stuff that i can actually see myself righting.in a poem that is.but that line really hit me.esp after since zheng was telling me how the worries of marriage wld be watching her die.

now that im listening to an emo song ..forbidden love by SENS (jap) and it's piano instrumental and terribly NICE.gosh,im in love with it.it makes me feel lyk crying and crying.it's amazing how the composer managed to incorporate so much relevant feeling into the tune.ahhhhh.

everyth's making me emo now!! ESP the song.

first iv been chionging for econs test,which iv given up on by now cos im soooo tired out.then im feeling v unhappy abt my pending failure for 2.4 cos im lyk worse than ever b4 or sth.wonder why!iv been quite active and doing retarded things like cycling to sch and from sch everyday,doing stuff with health and fitness club,running arnd sg.tired out.i saw sam ting running today,and he runs like..woah.one round aft another,speed nv changing,no sign of pain,fatigue..nth.i want to be like that.however,no more inspiration OR hope to ever be a runner.cannot make it.see,makes me sad.

im happy to the point of sad now,cos david's back!i knew he was coming back one of these days,but i was wishing on and off thru out the weeks he was gone that he'd be back so i cld keep him updated with all that has happened.the wallet thing..the O lvl thing..VJ stuff..!ho clan..so many things have happened i guess.he missed out on the best parts,but im just glad he's back la.but the song again,is making me feel lyk crying cos it was such a surprise to see him online again.

ah (:

the only other thing making me sad now,is that horrid econs test im gona be facing in abt 12 hours.not good.hahhaa (:

love ya everyone.  ¶ 6:42 PM 0 comments

  waiting at the bus stop
Is waiting equated as a perfect waste of time and effort?

Or does it represent faith and a belief that something will happen?

Waiting is hope in action.

don't give up if ur another waiter.  ¶ 12:19 AM 0 comments

  the day i became a model im desperate to see my model pics.HAHA.photoshoot on huey's cam.i loved it!the fake waist! HAHA.

k anyhows,sam ting has inspired me to be a runner (in my dreams)!!

Priscilla Welch
If you want to become the best runner you can be, start now. Don't spend the rest of your life wondering if you can do it.

he doesn look like chunyi at all.hmm.

anyhows,sam i think ur a great runner;always have been always will! goooo runner!

hahaha,huey can't come online today im SAD.rarrrr.i need that ego boost!  ¶ 11:58 PM 0 comments

  Memoirs of a Gei-chia final scene: rach stands beside the canal at the railings...looking forlorn and tired out..waiting for him (unknown suitor)when suddenly chia comes up from behind

rachel: chairman--- i mean, chia?

chia: hey...he (unknown) won't be coming anymore.

rachel: why?..

chia: he (unknown) knew abt the incident at the teahouse.he is a man of principles.he is not one to forgive.

rachel:...im sorry..

chia: i should be the one who needs to be forgiven..not you

rachel: what do u mean?..

chia:..iv let you down..

rachel: but you're with sonia.what could you have done to let me down?

chia:...if only i had told you the truth earlier

rachel:..i do not understand..what truth?

chia:...remember how i used to sit in front of you in p6?

rachel:...i never will forget it.

chia:....did you ever wonder why i chose to sit in front of you?..

rachel:...you mean you......then why not next to me?

chia:...so that i could be certain that all the time...you would be looking at me.

(HAHAHHAA personally find this part very funny)

rachel:...why din u tell me earlier?!

chia:...that's why im sorry...

(rachel starts crying and chia caresses her face before holding her close)
*passionate kiss*

this is the end of Memoirs of a Gei-chia.final scene only (:  ¶ 12:35 AM 0 comments

  nine-rs rock basically,damien rice is correct.

thanks mark.let's be depressed together.but thanks an awful lot.

im going to thank every single person who listened to me break down and be sad the whole of today;in order of appearance.

rachel ho,whom i love dearly and was there for me thru out.i love you like crazy.the indian guy on the bus thot i was insane and that u were lesbian,but im happy that we stuck tgt thru and thru.the nine-rs rock.

marilyn wong,whom i also love dearly and am SO PROUD OF COS U MADE THAT 10 POINTS BABY.ur gona be in my testimony to ho meng that 202 pointers can do fantastic for Os too. (: u are lyk,amazing.i want more hugs.

ms goh,i love ms goh like mad.period.

weishan,tinsley probably wants me to thank you for giving me that hug on his behalf.thanks for everyth shan.im so proud of u too.

flores,ur an idiot,but i still love you all the same for loving me back (:

ho meng,who is also an idiot who like kinda forgets abt an impt CLb paper1 and types half the words in his vocab wrongly,but uv been one of the dearest friends to me;thus i WIL ALWAY LOVE YUO. ;)

josh,i noe 9 is 6 upsidedown..thats really retarded but uv been the light on the dark side of me really,the boy who makes my day a little brighter,my laugh a little louder.you already know how much i love you.

jon chia,whom i haf yet to talk to and has yet to find out anyth abt my recent escapades,but who still msgd me and i love you for that.

adrian,thanks for the support brother A,God gives,God gave (:

dengzheng!,i forgot to tell you ur the second person who found out what i got,after my mum;regardless of how much we say to each other (which is not alot) and how little we actually know of each other,you still bother to listen and be that friend i need.yes you think i got a good score.that's cos nine-rs rock.high five man!

WENXIANG!,hahaha i almost forgot my cute and sexy OGL!basically i really thank you for taking time off to call me and listen to me.and im so thankful you understand entirely how i feel,even if its lyk shit.im not gona tell the others to eff-off cos you told me too ;),but ur a great senior.that's cos nine-rs rock (again)! (:

caron,well you don't know how drama things have gotten yet,but you will when brandon tells you tmr.thanks for the prayer last night.you did well girllll.

hueyhuey,i love hueyhuey like crazy,cos she's just so damn good at her studies.she deserves every pt she got,even tho they're not many ;)

ESMOND!,i also almost forgot about how rachel called you and scolded you and how you squeezed into a locker to avoid ur sergeant and to be scolded by her in private.hahahhaa funny funny,you suck man.you totally suck.nasty boy!but you rock at making ppl feel better,and i think ur still that really godly guy anyhows (: i cannot say love you too lyk i did to the others,cos someone will not be happy ;)

mrs esmond,eh sorry ah never reply you abt what i got,but its same as you and i knew mr esmond would have told you on my behalf anyway.(: GOOD JOB GIRL.

tinsley,my darling darling darling cousin.i love you lyk you love me!!im so bloody proud of you you know.and i know ur very proud of me even tho im not proud of myself.and im glad to have you arnd to light up my life and support me whenever i need it.i think u deserve ur 8 pts more than i deserve my 9 ;) i LOVE YOU.

my cell leaders,tho you don't understand how 9 can be bad,im gona tell you how it is soon (: haha but rejoice in the Lord always,at least ur always here with me.

guyjonk,i know why kris loves you so much.ur a gem to have arnd.and no matter how screwed up we all are,im glad we still have Jesus.come back to the Lord brother. (: you never fail to make me smile with all your retarded comments that are so true,however. (:

JOLENE,if you hadn't come to lift me out of sorrow and back into happiness,i duno what i wld haf done.i cldn haf done without you.ur the angel God sent to mend my wings.thanks a billion times girl.i love you.hafn't replied ur msg,but I LOVE YOU TOO.

ben,i love the way you look up to me even tho i mess up my Os and got 9 pts.ur the only one who wld tell me you think i did really well and ull never get sth as good as me.its rubbish,cos ur like in nj,but the sweetest thing i got from the family.thanks benny.

mark,the sad and short song by damien rice is sad and short like me. (: you were always the friend who stood by me and listened to my crap eventho you lyk never say much,i know you understand fully.i don't even care if ur the pastor's son,but ur definitely someone i can be honest with.to the very ugliness of my grief.we need to be sad tgt one of these days okay? hahaha. (:

brandon,always there somehow to hear my long long sob sob stories.and always sympathetic.hahaha you always let me off when i skip cell stuff.and even tho u lyk bashed up my bike fighting over it with meng,hahaha,it was pushed to the max man.now i can't even get it out of sch.HA!thanks for everyth bro.

yong en,im sorry i totally ignored you today.im happy u got 23 pts,16 got l1r4.vj welcomes you with open arms ;) visitor only.haha im lucky to have such a crappy cellmate.

kenneth ong,who dared to disobey by instruction to not talk to me unless i did.he talked to me and i think 39 - 13 is that bad jump too.im proud of you nonetheless babe.keep singing in this storm ;) i liked the way you just wanted to know how i was.finally,someone who's sensitive enuf to know (:

GOD,most impt of all,i think you really blessed me with this one.praise you in this storm.a hard trial,but a real blessing for my humility.i think i needed this one badly (: you hold the joy-stick Lord.love you always.  ¶ 1:35 AM 0 comments

  PICTURE OF THE MOMENT.

the picture of the moment.how tall is brandon? shorter than meng.how tall is meng? taller than everyone else except yaoming and his brother.how tall is jonk? taller than ho meng's albow! (:

rach,rowe,brand,meng are officially my favourite vj crashers.i mean,visitors;) hahaha.

they,shan,ryl and i went for dinner at east coast.beach rocks!breakwater and fireworks rock (: hahaha im a great photographer.and will upload more pics another time when i dun haf to report to sch at 7 10 SHARP thanks to the

students' council*.more bout that tmr,im one tired out 25-storey climber.

long day,ciao.  ¶ 12:27 AM 0 comments

  i think josh is pissed at me.im sorry josh.whatever it is,i sld never cause rifts btwn my god brothers.i love you guys too much.

and all the misunderstanding was my fault.

what can solve this? :(  ¶ 11:23 PM 0 comments

  what broken wing-man said to lui-ge level 0: mindset = friendship not = relationship

broken wing-man says:
level 1: give a smile and a hello! be friendly,like,say..i love ur singing!

broken wing-man says:
level 2: sincerity and honesty are very impt.conversation! talk abt school,random things.

broken wing-man says:
level 3: start being The Good Friend.offer to lend a listening ear if she's down..or u can just do nice things for her.AS A FRIEND.perhaps send her an sms asking her if she had a good day or sth...msn chats also become less weird!
broken wing-man says:
level 3 sld be done in moderation.

broken wing-man says:
level 4: as The Good Friend v2.0, can start doing stuff like sitting next to her in lecture...completely CASUAL,AS A FRIEND.be at ease when talking to her,show that u honestly find her a nice person and really do like her! be totally nonsuperficial,honest,and YOURSELF.good chemistry as friends is like,so impt.

broken wing-man says:
level 5: as The Very Good Friend v2.1,u haf all Right to talk to her freely in any way you want! now that she's comfortable with u arnd,and talking to u,and doing stuff with u,...and if ur still eager to move on to Mindset=Relationship...it's quite sweet and she'll probably be equally fond of u by then.but,if Mindset=Friendship is fine...stick that way! it's great being The Best Friend v1.0 anyway

*broken wing-man is like love(song)guru in disguise. ;)  ¶ 1:07 AM 0 comments

  goh's house i went to miss goh's house yesterday!we broke record!altho all of us still fit into one lift,more ppl came.joyce,ryl,shu,rowe,liutong,sida,marilyn,me!,shanny,beverly!whoo!

anyway duane still HASN bothered looking at what i did for him two nights ago after discovering how to upload backgrounds with photobucket.but you can,if you want.

the trial blog (click this)

i skipped cross country.altho zheng told me 3 times to 'just go'.

i din!let's see what im getting myself into 5 days from now to my next PE lesson.

ciao.  ¶ 1:49 PM 0 comments

  To Whom This May Concern Dear Mrs Ho, you should not worry abt duane at all! he's got a healthy appetite for girls,esp girls whose names start with J.he's been liking girls ever since he decided not to hate them.he has been praying about his future dream girl,who already exists somewhere in this world (hopefully) and can't wait to meet her! you don't have to pressure him to get attached,because he's chosen to Kiss Dating Goodbye.he believes God has already cast that special Line, and that she's moving closer towards his Line everyday.one day they're gona meet and join as one,and that's the day you'll finally understand that dear duane here has already been preparing himself for his special girl even b4 u started worrying. (: he's a good boy mrs ho!i think a lot of girls swoon over him in fact!you must be quite hot urself,because uv got a dance god for a son.i heard he's pretty good at gyrating to music.he's gona have a good time in the army,perhaps cos his dashing good looks and saturday night fever worthy moves will rub the commanders (or whatever they're called) the right way. heheh! to save the best for last,ur son most probably already has a girlfriend in mind!-jonk

we. gutterflowers. says:
haha
we. gutterflowers. says:
wow.. that sounds like the best speech i can ever give to my mom

duane just gave me sth to blog about.hahahaha.

HAPPY CNY PPL,old news,but..gniaaa whatever! :)  ¶ 12:19 AM 0 comments

  the newly formed !ho clan

it's almost CNY!ponned the celebrations today,as expected.

SC was great!i love SC!i LOVE MS GOH AND 4PR and my darling flores!!!!!!!!!gosh im just in the twilight zone now and talking nonsense.

k pic of the day....rach looking like the grinch who stole christmas and the ever bubbly and dynamic shopaholic ho meng. (: haha went out with brandon,him and rach instead of following the dancers to watch geisha.im happy i did.i think we all had some sort of fun.esp with the g-bag.which rach refers to as the g-box.HAHA.

ho meng (kenneth) and rach ho have formed the !ho clan.i think bran and i can join anyway.

haha modern techno sucks.yet rocks. :) goodnight la.forgot to reply zheng earlier.now he's snoozing with meng and bran..sheesshhhh.nv return my call! >:(

it's almost 3.true by ryan cabrera reminds me of rowe's crap lyric-writing in class.  ¶ 2:22 AM 0 comments

  because of him whose name will not be mentioned.

anyhows,im damn tired.but it's time to update the blog.haha.SC interview today.freaky time.i was on the verge of a breakdown as the questions came hard and fast.one girl cried.it was like auditioning for american idol or sth.i duno what iv just gotten myself in.

and yeah,im stuck to that kelly clarkson because of you song.it has a really sad vid apparently.but it sounds so sad by itself.kelly's voice is whoo!powerhouse.i think of some person when i hear it.not my dad la.but it only appears to befit one person.

will not bother elaborating.last episode of chinese show tmr! must watch!but might be out of the house.so infuriating.haha im ponning sch..supposed to make it down to SC later..but im so darn tired now i can barely think abt going ANYWHERE BUT HERE.

sch has been okay.sian of waking up early.sian of cycling to sch.sian of a lot of things.my class ursa banner rocks.bad word choice,it really is nicely done up la.a work of art by lui.

meng and brand are giving me highbloodpressure.want to crash,dun wan to crash,wan to crash,dun wan to crash.they sld just join O2.then il become an OGL and tekan them real bad.then they can also be in vj for as long as they like.better still,both make it to vj next year and i can tekan them again for O107,if im still in vj after results are out on 6th feb.man..

but giving thot to the hot girls in SA,i think we already have two future SAJC members.hah.  ¶ 12:25 AM 0 comments

  og bbq part 2
I FORGOT TO SAY THIS EARLIER! HAPPY BIRTHDAY HO MENGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (:

THE HAPPY OG GROUP ICIS-IMPULSE :)

RETARDED PICTURE.

THE GIRLS OF IMPULSE.

THE HAPPY COUPLE.TWEEDLEDEE AND TWEEDLEDUM.

SOME MORE PICTURES OF THE GUYS.  ¶ 1:02 AM 0 comments

  og bbq
THE COOL GUYS.HAHAHA HEY WX UR DIMPLES ARE DAMN CUTE LA.

CARON AND OUR FAVOURITE BOARD,CHARISSA'S;ONE WAY!JESUS!YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE THAT I COULD LIVE FOR.*DRUMROLL!*

i know people are gona want the pics,so im gona just put them up here.

anyway og bbq was today and caron and i spent the whole day after sch decorating the boards.fun stuff la!exciting to write rubbish as designs all over the boards.caron did a great job with the cutting,and i cut all the hot babes out for wx's one.then we wrote random things all over the boards.very very nice! (: i liked charissa's one the best,even tho her's started out as the worst.

ONE WAY!

anyhows,din take many pics la.sorry hor,just nth much to take what..a bit weird too.

i think bbq was okay.chatted with the og ppl,learnt sm's english name (i was spot on,seriously!)...erR shared abt how caron and i decided that wx has a 'come suan me' face this afternoon while doing his board.and played heart attack idiot.which was quite retarded la actually.but fun i guess.

i practically din eat much,so i was pretty hungry.oh and had a talk with wx abt eddy-darling and all that crap,which i thot was pretty nice because i rarely get the chance to talk serious stuff one on one with ppl nowadaes because im not particularly close to anyone anymore..the fact that iv left SC.and after that i went home with trinette after that stupid bike taking incident.and yeah,she came over to eat stuff and i was telling her abt hk experience compared to vj situation.i dun hate vj..i just find it so hard to grasp.i like my class loads,i have friends in sch..but there's sth missing in it all.sth that superficiality takes a large place of.

okay now im supposed to go to sleep so i can write SC essay (which i am so totally dreading) tmr..ho meng canceled my much anticipated meeting!sheesh.like fine.but im in that talking mood.no idea why.not gona call josh anymore cos he needs to like,study.and i duno,call rach?

the victorian anthem is stuck in my head.

okay,have sent all pics to sm! fast fast,i LOVE HELLO! :)

im tired now.but the bloody thing refuses to upload fast enuf,or in bulk.irritating.  ¶ 12:33 AM 0 comments

  fall into the emptiness yes yes good music everywhere.thanks to meng and zheng,i haf a lot of music.thanks to joyce for lending me her mp3 player to listen to today,iv learnt more good songs.like, that bu de bu ai song by pan weibo!! good good song,just a little high for range.haha.

meng isn happy abt previous entry,so,im sorry in this one for it! haha.im sorry ur such a hottie.HAHA.considered a hottie.considered.

anyway i think im more crazy abt good music.wang lee hom! yes yes yes! :) but,get addicted to building 429's space in btwn us first.

Look at my heart again
Look at the mess I've got it in
I'm trying to trust in You
To know that you'll see me through
Through my pride
Through my shame
Into Your love
Into Your grace
I'm not looking back
Till I see Your face
And I'm running straight to You
Because

All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
To break this division
All I really want to do is to fall into
The emptiness that is
The space in-between us
Erase it and bring us together again

My life's like an open book
Nothing is hidden when you look
You break through my boundaries
Revealing my insecurities
But through my pride
And through my shame
You show me love
You show me grace
I'm not looking back
Till I see your face
And I'm running straight to you
Because

Here I am saying I need you
I know I need you
Here I am, I'm coming to meet you
Cause I want to see you

------------------------------------

without music,my world would be pretty dumb.  ¶ 12:04 AM 0 comments

  girl magnets okay okay i will not ever suan the hot guys anymore about their girl-magnetism.and im quite sorry that ho meng is once again blog-entry specimen.perhaps its cos the past week nights have been spent talking to him,which leaves me little to expand on.i assure you once again meng,that i do not like you.i DO NOT like you.

shudder.

haha anyway,its like girl magnet guys are really sad cases la.in actual fact,girl magnets are not privileged beings.they are poor things.esp when they aren inwardly desperate and flirty.the honest to goodness attractive souls who do not wish to be of such interest!as meng pointed out yest,that he is a girl magnet (funny that i AM NOT attracted) but thats quite a hard thing to be.cos any friendships with girls cld turn potentially dangerous! because sometimes the girls only want to be friends cos ur so hot,which is actually very degrading personally.it like,takes away all that importance of who the guy really is inside.and the girls just dismiss that importance for the looks and charisma la.and the magnets haf to be so wary abt who they're befriending,friend or fan?

these guys have it the worse.cos i guess anyone wld want a girl/guy to like you for who you really are as a person,not as a hot face/bod.

im sorry for all the unfortunate girl magnets out there!

no wonder dave thanked me for actually giving a shit even after so long.must have proven i wasn one of the attracted ones.

on a lighter note,i haf two places to be tmr at the same time.how? ahma's birthday lunch or missions sharing lunch?

oh and i also realized why ho meng is a girl-magnet today.because he's in SOCCER!

if you haven't realized,all the sizzling hot girl-magnets usually come from soccer.soccer hunks international.my favourites are from vj,of course. :)  ¶ 1:07 AM 0 comments

  2:15;14th Jan 2006 the one where kenneth finally reveals his true identity i can't call you baby anymore says:
ohohoh
i can't call you baby anymore says:
a lot of girls like u!
i can't call you baby anymore says:
let's retire asap
awfully says:
what!
awfully says:
tt soo random!
awfully says:
anyhow!!
i can't call you baby anymore says:
no that was wat zheng said
i can't call you baby anymore says:
that seriously,a lot a lot of girls like you
i can't call you baby anymore says:
and mark agrees
i can't call you baby anymore says:
hahaha wooahhh ho meng!
awfully says:
they said tt!!
awfully says:
sian!!
awfully says:
when?
i can't call you baby anymore says:
i asked mark if it was true
i can't call you baby anymore says:
ahhaha
i can't call you baby anymore says:
zheng told me last night
awfully says:
they are just trying to make fun of me!

i can't call you baby anymore says:
no laaaa
i can't call you baby anymore says:
shy already right
i can't call you baby anymore says:
hahaha

i can't call you baby anymore says:
whooohooooo! ho meng is a girl magnet
awfully says:
yes!!!!!

i can't call you baby anymore says:
yesss
i can't call you baby anymore says:
u agreed!

(unedited&unabridged)  ¶ 2:13 AM 0 comments

  HAHAHAHAHA =D HELLO! HAHAHAHA =))
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB!
LITTLE LAMB!
LITTLE LAMB!
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB!
WHOSE FLEECE WAS WHITE AS SNOWWWW!
=D

V
I
C
T
O
R
I
A

ITS
VICTORIA
ITS
VICTORIA
ITS
VICTORIA
YEAHH!!!

OMG I REALLY LOVE CHERYL MAN LIKE ALOT! SHE'S REALLY COOL.
I'M SO GLAD SHE'S IN VICTORIA WITH ME =D
I'D TOTALLY DIE WITHOUT HER!!
I LOVE CHERYL I LOVE CHERYL I LOVE CHERYL!
CHERYL ROCKS CHERYL ROCKS CHERYL ROCKS!

I LOVE THE SCHOOL SONG TOO!
VICTORIA IN SINGAPORE
THERE ARE OTHER SCHOOLS WE KNOW
VICTORIA IS SOMETHING MORE
THE SCHOOL THAT WATCHED US GROWWW
FOR HERE WE'VE LEARNT AND STRIVEN TOO
AND PLAYED THE SPORTSMAN'S GAME
VICTORIA, WE GIVE TO YOU
THE HONOUR THAT YOU CLAIM
VICTORIA, THY SONS ARE WE
AND WE WILL NOT FORGET
VICTORIA, THY TRIUMPHS SEE
AND VICTORIES WE SHARE YET
FOR OTHERS CAME BEFORE AND WENT
AND CARRIED TO THE WORLD
VICTORIA'S FAME AND OUR INTENT
TO KEEP HER FLAG UNFURLED!

V (CLAP)
VJ (CLAPCLAP)
VJC! (CLAPCLAPCLAP)

HAHAHAHA!
OKAY BEFORE I GO I HAVE TO SAY ONE LAST, VERY VERY IMPORTANT THING.

CHERYL ROCKS MY FRIGGIN SOCKS =D  ¶ 1:23 AM 0 comments

  Deng "Hot Guy" Zheng has the funkiest nick ever.its like very funny,and OBVIOUSLY made up by his brother. happy birthday DING in the meantime! tho its over liao. haha.

and the tricky master said,"the key to tricky,is to trick self before tricking enemy."

i cannot stand it.these guys are making me lol too many times tonight already.  ¶ 1:10 AM 0 comments

  i am basically quite pissed.one,because im stuck at home with nothing to do and no one online to talk to,and two,my 131 friendster testimonials have vanished into thin air and there is nth i can do abt it.what social suicide.

3 i was sick with pretty high fever last night.BAD.at least now im getting better thanks to lots and lots of spiritual support from church buddies caron,josh,jon,dz and dave.i only bothered to msg those ppl that i needed prayer.sigh,i prayed as much as i cld manage myself.even tho i was SO SO sick.met caitlin at the petrol kiosk last night and looked really bad i can imagine.fever got me pretty bad.must have been the rain and exhaustion.better rest more today!

thanks to God for hearing our prayers and making me feel so much better today.fever is gone,slept a LOT and i just hope il be fine enuf to return to school tmr.i mean it's like first day of sch and i fall ill the day b4.fantastic.you've done it again jonk!now everyone thinks i ponned.even my brother.

im too sian and weakened to think of an argument to that.  ¶ 1:51 PM 0 comments

  smashing photographs

my cell,i mean,my BAND.note robyn's avril lavigne,serena's manager,claudia's crazy hair,and well,me.my goth.hair by rachel ho,makeup by serena.

serena just had to take this gorgeous photo to remind me of my entire rocker getup.love it!

ray loves this picture so much he wants to marry it.

simply,josh and me.my andy lau lookalike,only with dimples.love ya babe.  ¶ 11:56 PM 1 comments

  salvation is here what are you waiting for i love love love project runway! GO JAY! GO JAY!

today was incredibly funny.first i ran home to get my slippers,decided to take the bike.alerted trinette,and so we rode to sch in the end.which was seriously some salvation man.cos in the end it rained SO bloody heavily halfway thru the games,so we got drenched,and caron and ginny had to follow me and tri back home at like 1.and after dropping them at jolene's house to wash up,i was cycled back home totally drenched to the bone and showered up.went to shout outside david's house too.he said there cld be only one person who wld do that to him.

I DON'T MIND SPENDING EVERYDAY OUT ON YOUR CORNER IN THE POURING RAIN!

very apt song for today.

there goes the 4 guy theory.haha i realized there are way too many guys to classify.and each guy's different.TOO BAD BOYS.no more classification.but those who made it to top 4 ranks...good job? haha.rubbishy.

serena sent me more smash pics last night.stayed up till 1 sending ho meng his songs,which he hasn told me abt whether he liked them,and talking to dave,who is on leave! ding got out today for holiday from camp,and he was soooo happy he msgd everyone abt it.he's barely been in there for 3 days la.sheesh.

kk shall end by posting my smashing pics.apparently i sld dress more like a rocker bcos i look super good when i do.HAHA dave.HAHA.

who wants to spend an hour removing all that stuff on my face anyway? :)  ¶ 11:46 PM 0 comments

  two photographs
wenxiang fell asleep while chewing on his burger halfway.he looks pretty gross doing so.

yongen,yongliang,aaron and gabriel at the tanahmerah coffeeshop a little less than 2 hours ago.milo dinosaur is super nice. :) and so are the guys.HAHA.  ¶ 2:10 AM 0 comments

  and after all;you're my wonderwall ding! ding! ding! i dun really miss ding cos i hafn seen him the whole week and now he's in confinement NS BUT i hope he's having a good time! :)

orientation in vj has drawn to a rapid and relieving close.finally,i can rest my throat a bit.so much stuff has happened!but it's useless like repeating so yeah.soccer is fun!soccer is fun!think i am dengzheng i am zheng (x1000),that's what caron was saying.i managed to defend well with her and jianfeng today! :)

ummm had the vj dance at suntec today.wahlao damn fun la.even trinette had fun.haha and caron and i wasted lots of phone bill calling the church ppl over,but in the end we had among the best of church who came.gabriel,aaron,yong en and yongliang.yong en is such a crap la.so irritating! :) hahaha.and yongliang is so nice he treated me a drink.and gabriel was soooo nice cos he actually sacrificed getting yelled at by his dad and came to support us anyway.maybe its cos of..*********** but nvm. ;)

aaron was the nicest tonight.he walked trinette and i to the bus stop and waited with us for her mum even tho it was like 12 plus la.and he has to wake up at 5 tmr.im feeling so bad!

oh had lots of fun hanging out with the church guys,ginny,caron,trinette and me.haha.4 guys 4 girls and loads of rubbish la.very fun!im glad we managed to just spend time tgt in the first week of sch.

im tired of brain frying games like around the world in eighty days,8+8=4,how many meh meh jumped over the wall,wat time is it,bang bang,where is the fly?,AND THAT STUPID FISH GAME.i hated that one the most la.really.seriously BAD.there was absolutely no clue watsoever.but HAH i did actually pay 1% attention to why wenxiang had his other hand in an awkward position.HAH.

im happy caron told me anyway..in exchange for other information.hahaha.k im bad.

erRr,at least i can sleep properly and not haf fits,as dl wld say.

im totally tired out but still felt like talking with josh or sth.haha that boy ah! nv msg me at all abt his sch.apparently they're getting all charged up already for the big Os.gabriel is having a hard time from his dad cos of the whole study study study thing.which is quite stupid cos ppl burn out really fast.

and i was thinking bout the 4 different type of guys theory.super interesting la.duane has his contribution too.

1. The Basic Hottie/Handsomeboyyyy (gabriel!!! ;) )

the first time you lay eyes on him he's more or less/100%/confirm (yong en's favourite saying) good looking.like he fits the whole definition of hot/shuai and WHAM! :) he's chao got ur eyes on him,also has most of the girls' attn anyway.

they're usually egoistic pigs la.either that or they're blind to their beauty and absolutely nice charming ppl.genuine or not..not a prob cos u most prolly wun talk to them much anyway.

example: joel chia laaaa (he became shuai)

2. The Basic Cute Guy

he's doesn fit the description of handsome fully,so altho u do think he's a cut above the rest,he's not hot la! just cute.not ugly or adorable.but he has that look that makes him look a decent and respectable catch.usually comes with a nice personality and that makes him even more cute.not hello kitty cute,but yeah you get the idea.

example: number 27,duh (no i do not miss him anymore)

3. The Golden Guy

you don't label him as anything most of the time,because he doesn look dramatic.not because he's part of the background but cos he so isn the showy sort.he hides his great character beneathe all that mellowness and is not like other guys.even his flaws go unnoticed.but when he starts talking to you,you start realizing how nice he is and really,he's NICE.every letter is fulfilled.and there's no superficialty in the friendship because the whole first impression thing skips the minute the friendship begins.he's too nice.

the good thing is that you start realizing he actually looks quite nice too,actually.HAHA.beauty in beauty out.

example: zheng! (he'll be happy to hear that)

my favourite number..4(HAHAHAHA)

number FOUR. The Dimpled Boy

this guy just wouldn't be the same without his dimples.his dimples take him to a whole new level of attractive-ness.it's a facial defect,but who cares.i love dimples,period.

example: DUANE!(HAH) JOSHUA! JON CHIA!(my di's!) (perhaps wenxiang,but i haven't figured out whether he does for real or not)

duane's own number 5: the super hottie like number 1 combined with number 3 which means he also has a golden heart and combined with number 2 thus becomes even cuter than he already is.sounds a lot like he was trying to describe himself in his own image,so i guess that wld include number 4,the guy with dimples.YA RIGHT DUANE.

number one's are good eye candy,number two's are great ppl to know,number three's are really rare thus a real find (HAH zheng..),number four's are just unbeatable la.

i love dimples!period.  ¶ 1:23 AM 0 comments

  this one's dedicated to my not sexy or cute OGL wenxiang,my rocking OG impulse,and duane's theories on my favourite dimples (his) im going to have to start off with duane's dimple facts first,because he's rattling them off again for me now...

1) did you know that a doctor used to believe that whether or not an infant has dimples depends on the direction the baby turns in the mothers womb

2) pple in the early 1900s wanted it so much that they used forged iron rods to drill their cheeks whilst having their head clamped in vices

3) dimples were thought to be lucky signs.. but one dimple unlucky

4) king edward the third sent a decree out to kill everyone with dimples.. not knowing that he had em himself

these are MINE for duane:

1) dimples are face muscle defects

2) it is highly risky to remove dimples medically as such defects formed at birth are caused by the baby smiling in the womb.thus fixing it might impeded one's ability to smile.

3) dimpled ppl are known to have better dreams cos they tend to smile in their sleep due to the muscle defect.nice ppl such as me,will always appear in their happy dreams.

i think he got them off some website with hoax facts abt dimples..because he repeated them word for word.haha really fast too.go duane!!! i love ur dimples duane!! he so hates it when i say that la.think so.hahhaa.btw,i thot of those facts myself. :)

kay,right now my maximum high is like dying cos im getting rather tired,but the OG/league dinner was sooooo FUN.rowe called me in the middle of it and started crying cos she's confused and transfered to IB,which is weird,but yeahhh.STILL,my OG is soooo super funny la.like we laughed down macdonalds or sth.sth i hafn done in a long time.it reminded me suddenly of the times in the past 4 years whenever we're gathered arnd the canteen table all squashed tgt,but laughing away abt sth really loudly tgt.i hafn even eaten macs in forever!tried the hugeeeee rice burger and took quite long to finish it cos it was so messy.wenxiang beat me even tho i had a headstart la.

anyhows,wenxiang's one of our OGLs for my league,next to simeng,who is like super super nice.and he's the opposite of rowe's sexy and cute OGL in SA.hahaha he knows that cos i told him.and he's like this really irritating suan-er la.the yong en type i think.just much much smarter,in no offence to yong en. ;)

and my league,consisting of caron/wood,ginny/stick,donovan,jian feng,chunying,shenshen,daryl lim,igbul/imbu,XXX,XXX2 and jane.i forgot their names!oops.

and yeah its just one wacky bunch of ppl,even tho some are rather quiet.but those who aren seem to make up for it ten fold or sth.

6th jan tmr! oh noooo ding is leaving! that's so sad!!! es is leaving!! that's not so sad!!

but still..

mass dance tmr.now that's fun. ;)  ¶ 11:16 PM 0 comments

  all hail victoriaaaaa my first day in vj begins with being totally maluated cos of my bicycle.then i meet lots and lots of tns/dhs ppl and even haiggirls ppl and everyth gets blurry and scary.then caron is in my OG ICIS/impulse and so is daryl lim!i haf nice OGLs who are a crazy bunch,and i can just imagine me as a wildchild next year.then trinette breaks down in the middle of the hall cos she cant fit in or sth and so we haf to calm her down.then we cheer every 3 seconds and play absolutely retarded games.but otherwise the spirit there is amazing stuff,almost quite like SC,just more insane and less screamy.i take a bloody difficult KI test with hueyhuey and cycle home with trinette who is so nice to wait for me.then i counsel trinette abt friendship and go home to slack.

the cycle repeats tmr.  ¶ 10:44 PM 0 comments

  breaking dawn waah today has passed pretty fast cos i woke up past 12,cos i slept at like 5 plus.haha.talking to a lot a lot of ppl online yest!! i dun even noe why.it was like..14 convos or more so.then mich,ding,mark,rach and i all signed into hello to send photos arnd,and we're impressed by how amazing hello by picasa is la.i love the photo sharing ability! i got a really gross pic of jaykay from rach and more smash photos from ding.mich got all the missions pics she wanted.

oh well so yest i had to apologize to the unhappy couple and a bird,as mark puts it.and i hope everyth's just blown over.still a little shocked that tweedledee and tweedledum are tgt,but yeah,got over that quite fast.

oh oh oh sang that song gerald composed,the like a friend song 3 full times with josh yest.so fun!!! we were lyk yelling over the phone and josh played the guitar,then aloy called in for conference and we performed for him,then aloy gave up and rachel called in next to listen so we sang again.im in love with that song and i haf no idea why! chin and josh say lots of ppl like it.i certainly do.

oh on mark's theory abt the kor and mei thing...wahlao i just hope it doesn happen to me.which is why i keep my distance.not that i dun appreciate chin like crazy,but yeah.i just want us to be good buddies forever,just helping each other out.nth more nth less.that's where im drawing the line and mark had better not try to cut it.really.im drawing it now!

im losing jon.i can feel it.it's like,we haf nth substantial to begin with,and bcos of that im totally losing him.like,we can't talk abt stuff cos there's nth to talk abt,we dun noe a thing abt each other..maybe he's just too young to get along well with me.i don't know..tried yest.robyn was encouraging me to give him a chance and talk,but i really haf not a thing to say to him..

it's not like josh.i mean like,i always thot josh wld just be like jon,but heck no la.josh was like,i just jumped the bandwagon and made him my di for like no reason, (or if there was a reason,iv forgotten it) and yeah nv imagined we wld be anyth diff from wat i am with jon.but like that's all changed a lot since i decided to help him out last year with physics and now i can just call him and talk nonsense the whole night thru and we dun run out of stuff to say.josh is like,male version of rachel ho.my dearest rachel ho. (hope ur glad to read this u poot =P)

school starts tmr.i went to try on my uniform and decided i dun look that stupid i guess.hahahaha.oh and that rose tattoo on my collar bone has to go.SADLY.rahhhhh.it looks so nice and sparkly and oh so cool.but.darn the uni doesn hide it at all la.my black nails haf to go too.

i dyed nicky's hair red today with claud's red color hair spray/mousse.he's quite happy with the blown up look.

Creations' Dream - A Friend Like You


Verse 1

Everyday I've been waiting for someone to come my way

Someone who knows what I'm going through and share my problems with me

Even when the day may not be good, Even why the sky falls down on me

In my heart, I know that I will not be alone


Verse 2

Loneliness is tragical to those who have no friends at all

Living within an isolated world, A world where no one exist

Even when the day may not be good, Even why the sky falls down on me

In my heart, I know that I will not be alone


Chorus

No one cares and no one loves me like you do

In everything, you are there and you never leave my side

I can cry, I can shout, when I'm am alone with you

In everyday of my life, I have waited for a friend

A friend like you


Verse 3

I don't care what tomorrow brings, as long as you're with me

Guide me through every circumstances, Catch me when I fall

Even when the day may not be good, Even why the sky falls down on me

In my heart, I know that I will not be alone


Bridge

I don't want to say goodbye to you

But the final hour has come for you

---------hooray for josh for teaching me how to sing it properly!duuuuuuet!

okay for now,il go back to procrastinating the nail/tattoo removal.and maybe il watch narnia.

:) im so not ready for school.  ¶ 5:38 PM 0 comments

  smash was last night!!very traumatic,as esther puts it.i was so scared that sth wld go wrong with the recap.but nth did!it was perfect stuff,after all that praying and chin's support.i was soooo tired out halfway that i was feverish and had a headache..but after a great fuse-blowing worship it all went away and i lasted until 3 plus!

anyway about last nights recap.hmm.im sorry okay? im sorry for editing esmond and timmo's biscuit picture and michelle and robyn's china picture and making it look as if esmond was kissing robyn.that picture is not real.NOT REAL.and esmond already is attached to someone else,and robyn likes someone else.so its all NOT REAL.i knew that full well when i edited the picture,so im making it clear to everyone else.i wasn trying to churn up a rumour,or harm esmond OR robyn.esp robyn.robyn is my good friend and basically i wld only bother wasting my precious time editing on photoshop photos of ppl i actually LIKE.okay? if i hated you i wldn haf bothered.at ALL.esmond and robyn are good ppl,and good friends to me,regardless of whatever esmond might think.and i wasn trying to create dissension.like,since its obviously not true,take it as a joke? plus,its not half as bad cos they're both good,normal ppl.but it's NOT TRUE.NOT TRUE AT ALL.

okay im not feeling in the best of moods at all.the fact that the laptop is still missing,and ..other things.

its these times i really wanna talk to joshua again.im addicted to having him as a di.i was so tired last night cos the previous night we talked till 4 about rubbish.he's such a great person to talk to.

i really wanna talk to josh!!!!!im breaking inside.  ¶ 3:26 PM 0 comments

  worship team teeshirt




ah great stuff.im finally done with the worship team tee backup plan design. :) am pretty happy with it.at least i think it's nice.

hahaha! :)

totally inspired by my chemical romance fonts.i love their stuff!and well,scrapped the emotionally connected idea,but used it to fuel the tee's back design.go philemon! at least there's a little trace of his ideals in it.hope adrian likes it la.

and well,kinda sad that it might not be used in the end if someone else comes up with a better design.i wld haf wasted my time.but i guess this is my best :)  ¶ 5:04 PM 0 comments

  i may just be sinking back into my own space,instead of trying to burst out in confidence and belief that everything's going to be okay.so many things ppl say just push me back into the hole and im beginning to feel inadequacy and ugliness all over again.it's the small things.

the small things ppl mention or do that scream incompetence in my face.and it just shakes me up inside and i can imagine the whole mountain of self-belief crumbling away.i don't know.i probably can never escape what ppl view me as.and they're getting bolder.iv heard the same things a million times.and everytime i hear it its like,old news,but i can't seem to think of a way to counter it and fight for myself.because maybe i don't even like what i am,was,will be.never will be?

it's the same old paradox.strong jonk,weak joanne.i don't even know which one is real and which one facade.false belief.no one notices the difference.that i am not as hot-headed and strong-willed as i appear to be,and actually am just a small little girl inside who has never found standing basis to love herself.and on the other hand i really do love God,who loves me.but i compromise like crazy but still can't find much reason to see myself as normal.like any other teen.it so pisses me off to tears sometimes.

everyone's always out partying somewhere with loads of friends,and honestly i feel that im alone alot.and it's like staring in my face that im living such a loser lifestyle but i refuse to admit it because the strong jonk part is acting up again.and then i try grabbing hold of whatever,whoever i think is close to me,and forget that they have their own circles,their own lives to deal with.and i have no reason to be part of it.im not fit for the role,or something.

but then there's God.there's God who loves me like nobody's business and all i do is whine and complain that no one out there loves me for who i am,when He does.and i think it's no big deal it's God God loves everyone ladida,and so on.which is so unfair to God cos His love is really special for me.it's ungrateful of me.but with all my heart i admit openly to God that i think i need a little more to make up for what i don't have.

total retardation.

strong jonk,weak joanne.you say one thing and i break.

say another,and im back on my feet and ready to blast off.

what can i say?ignore me.  ¶ 11:49 PM 0 comments

  blind/lifehouse I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave
and still I have the pain I have to carry
a past so deep that even you could not bury if you tried

after all this time
I never thought we'd be here
never thought we'd be here
when my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me died when I let you go

I would fall asleep
only in hopes of dreaming
that everything would be like is was before
but nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting
they disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

after all this time
would you ever wanna leave it
maybe you could not believe it
that my love for you was blind
but I couldn't make you see it
couldn't make you see it
that I loved you more than you will ever know
a part of me died when I let you go
and I loved you more than you'll ever know
a part of me dies when I let you go

*****

this is the song i listened to as the bus i was on drove out of baojing.in remembrance of our friendships with the china ppl.i love you guys exceedingly abundantly.

basically like crazy.

merry christmas,over.  ¶ 1:01 AM 0 comments

  a diana krall christmas i am overwhelmed with my presents.im happy i gave loads this christmas.good stuff,famous amos.just that i think most ppl thot i actually baked them.i cant bake/cook for nuts la.

very thankful for all the stuff i got.i love the stuff my aunties got for me la!!but im also very happy with stuff church ppl gave! i love you guys.esp that pashmina brandon got,which i thot was a rug at first.and stef's GREAT photo frame.wahlao,now i can admire my face everyday.and jo's 4GVN sign.sigh,beautiful stuff.and dave's diana krall cd.HAHA,altho i cannot tolerate jazz,im very touched cos that's his first present to me,and also her latest christmas cd.and all the chocolate,cookies...ah yes.its gonna be a FAT CHRISTMAS.

christmas eve dinner was quite filling.i love having tinsley as a cousin too.he's such an idiot.actually,i love him alot la.we cld be siblings!

i am a happy christmas person.  ¶ 11:50 PM 0 comments

  on my own anyhows am feeling super alone now.like,really.alone in the corner of the universe alone.abandoned and friendless alone.

so far the only one online i don't mind talking to is josh.i think there are many other ppl out there whom i usually talk to online but are not online nowadaes.thats why im feeling empty.my at home life revolves arnd the outside network connected to me.right now this network is nil.

i need a friend.i know Jesus is there.but as in,a friend to talk rubbish with the whole night through that sort of friend.

cluster was today.i met peien,ruiyi,kenneth ong.interesting mix.

there is no excitement.

im beginning to feel that no one is ever going to pay attention to me.it makes me restless.and my right hand feels like writing a story.but what the hell.my stories suck and never end.the only person who can save me from this depressing boredom is josh.but josh is talking on the phone.

i don't know but i think im depending on josh too much.he's becoming more of a bestfriend than a di.that is scary.where's my rachel hoooooo when i need her??!?!i NEED RACHEL HO BACK.i need to call her and talk rubbish until 3 a.m.i miss her like crazy la.she's gona be so pleased to read this.but.YES I MISS YOU RACHEL.so much that im beginning to mistake josh for you.like,when im so damn bored i wanna call josh up and start talking rubbish,or just run over to josh's house to disturb.but of course i never do such stupid things and in actual fact never bother josh at all.but it always crosses my mind.josh is my only di left right now.

see rach,this is what you and i call the twilight zone.  ¶ 12:51 AM 1 comments

  girlfriend number 27 i am now obsessed with that number as iv just remembered jun yu's existance.i shall be girlfriend number 27!

whatever it's supposed to mean.i love junyu.but then again maybe not.there's someone better out there.

im not staying over with the cell cos parents are against it.will not fight cos im tired anyway.ah but am reading the books steffy lent me.

WHY DO GUYS LIKE SKINNY GIRLS? its like,they only notice it when girls are skinny,or losing weight.today,brandon was like,eh tell you ah i think you lost weight.

OKAY!

i duno if its meant to insult me or to ridicule me or just brandon being nice but anyhows..man.WHATEVER!

i don't get it.because i don't like skinny guys.but stef says most sg guys are scrawny anyway.um..neither do i like beefy guys.somewhere in between perhaps? but who's to care who i like.it's more impt who likes me.or maybe not.neither makes sense but i guess the hearts' the most impt then.but still,seriously,im reading that anorexia book and its more or less true that guys really do go for skinny girls.that is quite unfair.

no wonder there are lesbians around.yong en should give up trying to convert them.men are quite...scum.lesbians may just have a good reason to be lesbian.

ah sigh.your someone is always in love with someone else.it is useless liking guys because its pretty waste of time/face/heart as long as the guy doesn know or reciprocates.

one day il be anorexic for you.

whoever you are,but i have to love you alot.

but then again i wld only love that person a lot if that person loves me.and if that person loves me a lot it wldn be a matter of how i look.that means i can go on eating properly for now.

ah,rubbish.  ¶ 11:55 PM 0 comments

  china is black




china was funky.and too long to explain in detail.am also too lazy to do so.

shall explain in picture form? perhaps. :)

anyhows 4th-18th dec was the china trip.thanks for all the prayers and supporters.

im back and getting used to and thankful for singapore all over again.

in short,i had quite a lot of fun.

the weather was a freezer.but i din fall sick.

oh i watched kingkong just now.its quite cool.and weird.but im not in the mood to gush over the cgi effects and stuff.  ¶ 12:29 AM 0 comments

  GOD IS GOD crazy stuff going on before missions! actually i may be pushing mark too hard to work on the lesson plan.i think he must absolutely detest it.or me.hahaha.

robyn and i were talking abt working with esmond/mark and it turns out its really hard to pair with someone perfect.like,each guy had his own weird ideals and working methods that could either cause harmony or friction.then she started laughing all of a sudden cos she said it sounded as tho we were talking about our husbands.we agree esmond was the workaholic husband who takes control of the situation and drives the whole project whether you like it or not.mark is like the very meditative calm husband who lets you take control of everything and not say much even if he doesn like what ur doing,also very detached and will take things super slowly and stay calm thruout just doing his own thing.thats like robyn.haha.im more like esmond,just that i DO care what my partner thinks abt the project progress.i guess we just compliment each other.God can do anything he likes in China anyway,like,entirely change plans.anything.but im still gona do my best.

i need to lean more on God and less on my own beliefs about how to work with the China people.and to stop stressing myself out and nagging at mark to DO SOMETHING.

we're quite ready.

quite.

oh and i hope i really do get to lunch with joshua and jon tmr.my two favourite boys.ever.

this wld be one of my last entries b4 i fly away.

il miss it like crazy. :)  ¶ 1:14 AM 0 comments

  trading my sorrows for His joy
im gona sleep soon.was talking to a whole lot of ppl abt the china english lessons thing.i duno where ray has disappeared off to.anyhows,seen a lot of ppl online.so far i still am quite stuck and mark is still sleeping.haha he better get well soon.i am in desperate need of help.

anyhows,was talking to duane just only.realized i am STILL mulling over the prom.i hafn really figured out why i din really like it.he enjoyed his alot cos there was a lot of dancing in china black and pretty girls.HAHA k that's possibly the straightforward version of his description of his prom.anyhows,i duno!i mean i really am still feeling the aftermath.the insignificance,and truthfully the envy/fear that i didn't look anyth like everyone else.like,everyone was so salon-attacked.it was like,i din fit anywhere into all the glitter and glam,and it made me wonder whether i had just spent 4 years in SC knowing these ppl who are just 'one-of-them'.the women of tmr,who are caught up in a world of aesthetics,makeup,beauty and parties.and it prolly has to do with how i myself have nv accepted my ever being in that sort of world.cos i always felt inadequate,not like girls my age..how i was the different one.how i will nv be able to look like them.and how i actually do.i mean,against all my non-conformist beliefs,i do wanna be salon-attacked and glittery.but theres this side of me who knows il nv look as good,nv be able to dress up in anything i want and have a great party time.prom was like..the place to be if you were beautiful and sexy.not a place where someone like me wld end up.

gosh did i feel ugly and totally insignificant.ashamed of myself to a certain pt.seeing everyone so grownup,superficial and laughing away in the dim lights.all i wanted to do was like put on my regular clothes and be covered up.hidden perhaps.yet i had to be stuck in the whirlwind of it all,where everyone partied and took pictures like crazy.sheesh,im like the lowselfesteem person.it made me miserable la.for once i felt so left out and not part of the SC spirit.

which was a waste.prom was supposed to be fun.

it was like playing princess and the pauper.i was the underdressed/madeup pauper next to all the bejeweled slinkydressed princesses.i think i cld have cried.haha i must be in depression or sth.

anyhows im gona miss kl when she goes to aussie.she'll be in china tmr! and right now im possibly missing david who's in taiwan cos i hafn talked to him in ages.not after Os.i wld have liked to talk to him abt the prom stuff.he'll prolly offer his great pieces of advice.HAHA.

come back dave!!

oh and missions is in 3 days.oh,the excitement and frightful anticipation!

btw,esmond is going to be prom king. (heard that? not the ugliest king) i mean if james guk won prom king,im sure esmond can. :)

esmond 'prom-king-vj-2005' loon.

or is that prom queen cinderella?

hee.k let me forget the prom stuff.  ¶ 1:03 AM 0 comments

  2 weeks notice i am WAITING FOR MR FOO TO COME ONLINE so that we can discuss the lesson plan.but,HE'S OUT.

wow,he sure healed fast.

wells,iv been slacking,making my mum angry,and basically not doing what the script/lesson plans.aiya.i know im a bad girl.

sorry mum.

kay i haf nth to blog abt.but im going on missions soon! i am...anticipating.it's like this whole big world out there and all i can do is place this big scary world into God's hands.

he gave his life away for me.surely my heart belongs to HIM.duh.

kay if i haf more to say il say it later.  ¶ 9:46 PM 0 comments

  TWILIGHT PICTURES PART 3




ah and this is the last group,ho ming's.they spent abt an hour just finding their first station,which made them last.anyhow's they have some wacky pictures too.like the one with kenneth/ho ming jumping in midair altho they were supposed to be duck walking.and i like the one with denise duckwalking/making a siao face.haha.they took pretty long to walk thru the maze of strings too. (:

ah that's pretty much it.twilight zone CSI rocked (: even tho i onli noe wat happened at my station,the Ballistics Academy!  ¶ 1:10 AM 0 comments

  TWILIGHT PICTURES




this post is dedicated to ho ping's grp,the winner of CSI.and the most original and niao ppl.the most contorted trainee's of the ballistics academy (:  ¶ 1:02 AM 0 comments

  TWILIGHT ZONE 5




ah it's alllll over.the horribly fun and exciting week is over.the horrid prom is over.and the great TWILIGHT ZONE IS OVER!yayyyy,can finally sleep knowing that CSI rocked.haha.not much to blog abt,not much enthusiam too too. (: duane,es,leon and alv are back!duane said he went bungy jumping.sigh,but can that beat the photo's i took of twilight? my station was really funny stuff.  ¶ 12:48 AM 0 comments

  Photograph by Nickelback (revised) Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our faces get so red
And what the hell is on Rowe-y's head

And this is where I grew up
I think the government outa fix it up
I never knew what we had gone without
Chen Li Hsi's class wasn't hard for spacing out

And this is where I went to school
Most of the time I had better things to do
Booking records said I've broken twice
I must have pulled my socks down a thousand times

I wonder if its too late
Should I go back and take back all that hate
Low socks sucked really bad back then
If I was them I wouldn't let me in

Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo that was printed on my bedroom wall
Its time to say, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
Its time to say, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Goodbye

We used to listen to the radio
And sing along with every song we know
We said someday we'd find out how it feels
To sing to more than just the steering wheel

Rach would be the one I'd miss
She was the one we couldn't resist
She's found her dream job since then
I haven't seen her since God knows when

Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo that was printed on my bedroom wall
Its time to say, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
Its time to say, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

I miss those times
I cannot believe it
So hard to stay
So hard to leave it

If I could I relive those days
I know the one thing that would never change

Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo that was printed on my bedroom wall
Its time to say, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
Its time to say, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
Everytime I do it makes me..

there goes 4 prudence.  ¶ 1:20 AM 0 comments

  staying cool and funky;always the rain is pouring and threatening to worsen outside.im listening to that jay chou song again.haha i need to get november's chopin.whatever that's supposed to mean.

anyhows,just got back from prolly the latest outing iv been on.being a non-party girl,it's a time iv been awake at a lot of times,but not outside.haha,sitting in DENG's car for so long was pretty cool after a while.at 2 a.m. it suddenly felt like a normal 8 p.m. trip out.just sat there in the rain as brendan and him tried to figure out how to get to robyn's house.haha,so out of the way! but a nice car ride la.

been out since 1 this afternoon la.terrible.tmr must go again to church.better not be late.haha.the recce-ing (ray taught me how to spell that!) was the super long part that is a potential parent 'ur grounded' thing.eh but it IS after O lvls and beats the prom.haha,had a 5 hour meeting in church abt the games then had long john silver's dinner! not bad.but was pretty full.felt my regular carsick-ness because of that.had to tahan the ride from church alllll the way to __________(cannot say).

ya la,then we recce-d that freaky place for 3 plus hours.damn tiring la.good exercise.tho brendan and deng/ding kept trying to scare me just cos i kept screaming.i mean,it was super dark and freaky.scary la! brendan kept using a leaf to tickle me from behind.then deng/ding wld try to do the five fingers on shoulder suddenly thing.after a while and all the climbing i got too tired to care much.haha.rachel was a great navigator! she's fantastic at map stuff.she doesn sceam at the stupid tricks,just whack.and poor yongliang was like trying to keep awake.

oh and there were a lot of couples parked arnd doing sick things.i actually saw a guy in a car without his shirt la.nothing else thank GOD.had to like close eyes to make it back safely to deng's car.altho rachel was like,hey now the girl's..nevermind.

how do we bring the church ppl there if ppl insist on doing shameful things like that in their cars? it's obscene la.

oh then we somehow found our way arnd and to newton to eat some stuff.then by then it was like,one sth.so deng sent all of us home.sigh,such a busy week! my prom nite ah,had better not be doomed.il be going with black eye bags la.if these late nights continue.

i drank quite a lot of stuff.had better not keep going toilet tonite.  ¶ 2:38 AM 0 comments

  oh YES oh i haven't been to my blog in ages! haha.hello esmond! hello liao!!

oh esmond is having fun backpacking with duaney,leon and alv.sigh,if only we all had those outrageous holidays.like deb ong,denise and april who have gone to bangkok for prom shopping.

i have not a single plan! just so damn happy everyth's over,so thankful to God for really holding me up during this time.i wld haf nv made it (mentally) without God's assurance.

but still,everyth's just go with the flow.tmr i haf to go to church and haf my first fellowship meeting.finally.see,the calender just starts filling up with sth or another.

my butt hurts.went cycling with aunty rose,rach,phoebe and trinette yest.well it was a smash,and im too tired to write more.

just watched seven swords.it's damn sick la.not just the killing,but every time a guy and girl appear in the same scene everyth gets very dramatic and somehow u noe,things get,sick.

sometimes it cld be quite sad,but still.sick.

very beautiful imagery tho.fantastic work of art by tsui hark.

haha. (:

okay.it's one and i...have nth much to do.

gdniteeee!  ¶ 12:38 AM 0 comments

  only almost halfway there ah,i think lee wei qing just added me on friendster again.weird.i duno wats up with that guy.neither haf i figured out whether he's in aus or NOT.

i duno,sth holds me back on believing him..i roll my eyes and shrug.he pissed me off quite bad the other time.

wth is wrong with that guy? to think iv known him for..7 years.

oh watever,need to get back and study emaths in a few seconds.SECONDS.that's the second last paper for the week..

and then kingshaw.sigh,i actually think knowing kingshaw and hooper help.as in,in real life.esp kingshaw.such insight into the complexity of losers.

hmm mugging is wat u wld call quite fun nowadaes cos its a game of 'cram or die' vs 'stress and die'.well it's the Help Jonk Stop Stressing Out thing.nv happened b4.i actually FEEL LIKE puking when i sit down to mug.

siao rite.

wanna thank ray for being the only person who faithfully msgs me (and probably kl) to make sure im still in one piece after each exam.

hello,even my own so called mentor is no where to be found.

oh and thanks to es as well,who msgd me i think 20 times yest to return evil for evil.

wat is this world coming to.

oh and most imptly,THANKS TO GOD!the battle is the Lord's. (:

i may never march in the infantry..sth sth..shoot the artillery,

BUT IM IN THE LORD'S ARMY!

yes sir.  ¶ 12:43 PM 0 comments

  if you break;they'll know everything if i keep my head high
and waltz into the room
laughing
tossing my hair back
you wouldn't see the troubles
that cloud my thoughts

if i fold my hands across my chest
smiling like you just made me
laugh
eyes fixed upon that beautiful
face of yours
you would look back blindly at me

if i told you
i loved you the most
would you believe me
?
probably think i just made you
laugh and laugh along

if i pout my lips ever
so in the right way
let my words do the talking
while i hide my ugliness
behind that fragile heart
where you can't see

if i pretended that i was
as beautiful as you
and we were two of
a kind
would you love me as
yourself?

if i lied to you and said
i loved you with every
fibre of my being
would you finally understand
that i hate you immensely
because i hurt myself loving you?

and

if i hurt myself loving you
could you tell me the truth
and keep me from breaking
apart
because if you break too
they'll know everything

-joanne jonk kwok  ¶ 10:41 AM 0 comments

  LOVING JON
i look at the way the sun rises in your eyes,listen to the way your laughter makes the flowers bloom,feel how strongly your heart beats to the rhythm of life,embrace the love that you give to me,and then all at once...

i know i love you too.  ¶ 12:01 AM 0 comments

  flying high in fifteen minutes okay im gona like,go by 12.i promise.i PROMISE.

anyhows just had that party with the missions ppl.it was good! very fun.haha.

i got wet because i threw the waterbombs at the gamemaster,ACCIDENTALLY.punishment prevailed.oh sigh,just hope my cold doesn get worse..otherwise,great games!

kay,i love love love that james blunt cd that esmond burnt for me.im not against you okay?

i mean,hey iv listened to that cd 10 times or sth.i really like james blunt now.

thank you esmond.

oh and ting did sth worth remembering.well,at least,remembering to always lock ur toilet door,that is.

(: oh 10 more minutes.then im offline forever.

zip? Oh-oh-oh...  ¶ 11:41 PM 0 comments

  RACHEL HO.
entitled cos i wana talk to her like,ASAP.

haf interesting things to tell her.

anyway,haf a pic of duane and his CUTE BROTHER DARIAN.i hope i spelt it right.

oh coolness,they're HO's too.

HEY HO!  ¶ 11:32 PM 0 comments

  HANGING IN THERE she bats an eyelid,maybe two
nothing
get out of me
she screams somewhere inside her head
deep down where the blood ceases to flow
get the hell away from me
she knew it was there
right from the start
but she lied
everything will be okay
she thought then
then
now
things have changed
things change
you can't leave a bloodied arrow sticking out
through her stubborn heart forever
and not feel the pain
when she sees them
holding hands standing close
far away from her
she has to wrench that arrow out
before she drowns in all that worthless blood
his eyes meet hers
and they smile
she wants to push the hurt back in
and dissolve back into the girl
he knows
he doesn't know
how much she bleeds inside
for him
this can't be love
she is a fool
what does love know
love spurns me like hatred
if love is love
it doesn't love me
she closes her eyes
get lost
love
like a careless elbow
bent ever so slight
knocking the glass heart
off
what used to be a chip
so special
pleasure spiked with pain
someone had said
now lies smashed
in a thousand glorious bits
she feels it dig a bottomless pit
where her inner person
used to be
she was happy
life was her playground
till he came along
he was the one
who broke a little piece
of untouched heart
he did not know how
it hung upon his sleeve
how she pretended it still belonged to her
but he came back one day
with his other half
and decided to steal
the rest of that little heart
away  ¶ 11:33 AM 0 comments

  I THINK I'M GONNA MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY ah,no more lessons together as FOUR PRUDENCE 05.

im gonna miss being the delinquent class rep. :( im gona miss linda,the goodytwoshoes class rep.

im gona miss yelling at the class to evacuate the room asap.

im gona miss being naughty in geog lectures..i rmb that transvestite on the ppln pyramid joke.haha,i really got into ms leong's books.

and talentime 05! here's to rowe the electricguitarist,shanny the bassist,yanqin on the syn,cheryl on the keyboard/sitar,shu on the DRUMS,and me on the,..(flute,HAH)..MIC!

ah,those were the days.

must keep some record after 0's are over.

anyhow's iv more or less forgotten wat im supposed to be blogging abt.i need to get my ass offline and into bed.

I NEED ESMOND'S DISCIPLINE.he's one amazing cinderella.never more than 12 midnight if he can help it.NEVER.

ESMOND,I ADMIRE YOU FOR THAT.

kay,better go off now. :)  ¶ 12:21 AM 0 comments

  ACCIDENT
AND I,GAZING AT STARS;STUMBLED OVER YOU;TRIPPED AND FELL PAINFULLY IN LOVE;COULDN'T GET UP FOR AGES.

AND YOU WILL GO ALONG YOUR OWN WAY,NEVER KNOWING HOW I ALWAYS TURN BACK.

AHHHHHH! i love you ROWE! let's gaze at lightning together.

anyway out of context,im sick with flu.PRAY FOR ME!

and YEAH all pracs are OVER FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR.here comes the O's.

booh.doing physics again now.

david is STILL SO SWEET! he messaged me again last nite to wish me all the best for the prac.sth's up.he's never been so nice.

but for mentor,i give him FIVE STARS!

now it's back to the mug.  ¶ 10:52 PM 0 comments

  BUMMER less than 24 hours to my chem pracs.the final chem prac il be doing this year! i hate pracs.always seem to screw up somehow.WHY WHY WHY?

WHAT IS WITH ME AND PRACS?

oh yesterday had damn bad cramps la.what the,i even puked my lunch out and wanted to shoot myself.i bet giving birth wld be like that.i suffered for almost 6 straight hours.all i cld do was either sleep or scream,so i chose a little of both.

nicky will never understand,he kept making fun of me! but he was still quite nice and did everyth i told him to.haha.

im so scared it'll come back.

:(

just studied chem prac stuff again,lying down.sheesh la,last nite wanted to do more work,but ended up having cramps again.

now am online downloading tys answers! hooray for yogee and logan.hope physics has answers too.

aaaarrggh,not in the best of moods.only mum's in the house now. :( im rather antisocial nowadaes.got rid of my computer! everyone's so busy studying now that we dun have time for each other.have this feeling that rowe and ryl are pissed at me for ponning sch so much and forgetting bout the class.they kept calling me stranger.oh well.that reminds me that my brown paper is still lying in someone's hands.hope it's sheena's,not the cleaning auntie's.

i haven't even been going for tuition! some person right.i miss tinsley and daryl! we have to save all the crapping for after O's.hope we all do well in amaths!

hmm missions has been on my mind a lot.besides studying.hmm.not very taxing la.it's good for me too.spiritually.

david has been SO SWEET! he messaged me out of nothing to ask if i was studying alright.im deeply honored dave.haha.THANK YOU.hope he's doing fine in the commandos thingy.he says they train like mad.too bad he can't continue flying.

aiya.i hope im studying right la,dun wanna screw up.ok choi choi.GOD IS WITH ME!

1 john 4:18 (i think) PERFECT LOVE DRIVES OUT ALL FEAR.

ah sighh.i want the O'S TO BE O-VER.

now the only interesting time off is either tong xin yuan,or going to church.man i miss worship team.

whatever la,i miss alot of things.the ip ppl have it SHUANG LA.exams over liao..wonder how blackie did.mebe he lost the bet and owes me icecream now.hah!

but not now.icecream gives me cramps.

*cries*  ¶ 11:32 AM 0 comments

  NO ONE KNOWS

if you stop telling me the truth,i can continue pretending.

and NO ONE shall stop me.  ¶ 11:20 PM 0 comments

  i LIKE this and that and you i haven't blogged in wat seems like ages,nor have i met anyone online today.you dun really do so if u log on at like 12 sth.amaths paper was a killer,but hell easier than our prelims.okay mebe not,just more straightforward perhaps.

okays,so im like,supposed to sleep now.i realized i keep saying the word 'like'.i became rather conscious that i kept saying like while talking to mark today.i mean,i kept saying 'like'!realized it makes up 10% of my vocab 90% of the time.mrs lim was right abt that one.i wonder what the oral examiners thought of me.

haha,like like.

hmm,had VJC openhouse today,which was pretty funky.make that very funky.i loved it! it's the closest to mad SC spirit id get.haha. (: yay! i wanna go there! i hope God sees me all the way thru it!

GO GOD!

anyhows,brought liao to church after that! i think she hit it off quite well with my cell.which is good. (: haha esmond was probably sorely disappointed bcos we din come in SC uniform,plus there was only liao and me bcos the rest haf bio prac next week,and we're like the only 2 physic-chem ppl in the circle of friends.me,kahleng,peien (with junxian),trinette,racho spent some time tgt.liao came late.the dancers were there! :)

harhar,im dead tired or sth.

sth.

oh yeah,the mass dance at VJ was really good.i think i saw jolene goh somewhere in it.

shall i ever join the ranks of dorothy tan,evelyn peng,esmond loon,jolene goh and julian chia in VJ?

i heard nj was a bore.

i sld know,pa isn that interesting ;) HAHAHA JOKING LA,PA! (in case you read this).

forget it,God will know where to send me.

and i shall GO!

rambling disease on full force,GOOD NIGHT.  ¶ 1:00 AM 0 comments

  忘不了你
there goes my cheena song! i like it so much,i listened to it like 5 times b4 i went to sleep last nite.just because apparently diane warren wrote it.HAHA.

no one wants to listen to it!!

im freaking tired,just went to charlene's party.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHAR! (:

duno wat else to say..still pugging away.pugging is the new mugging.it means just doing a lot a lot a lot of papers in hope that the same question will come out during o lvl's and il noe how to do it.p,for papers.p,for pugging.

have nth to say otherwise.missions meeting was quite okay.

gdnite.  ¶ 11:50 PM 0 comments

  the locus of control everyone else is having end of years,and my brother has officially freaked out.i dun really know why ppl bother freaking out now,esp after the trauma of the prelims,which was worth freaking out over because it predetermines where ur going to land up.unlike ben,who has already gotten into NJ.maybe i will nv understand it,bcos no sch wants me enuf to take me in via anyth.

i bet i can't into victoria.

i just spent like,four hours doing huey's cedar girls' emaths paper 2.i wonder how they lived thru such a tedious one..a real killer of braincells,since it wasn wat u wld consider 'off-limits-beyond-ability'..just 'waste-my-bloody-time'.

hi mum,if ur reading this.i thot u promised u wldn look arnd unless i was arnd physically.HAH.caught you,i can track who reads my blog,btw.

i sld go back to doing physics now,break is over.  ¶ 10:20 PM 0 comments

  i loved so much i thought my heart could break iv started to take mugging seriously again.except that now it's not really mugging,more like,doing lots and lots of papers.sigh,there are so many things to say which i have forgotten abt,so much that has happened.

it's a 10 pointer,non-moderated.

im proud of myself,really proud of God,and awesomely happy that it turned out okay in the end.plus,i know this has been one heck of a spiritual journey,which was what i stepped out to achieve this time instead.

anyhows,i wanted to blog a few days ago but more or less had some problems connecting.dun even noe wat i wanted to say now.

oh saturday's seminar with uncle daniel was really good.one thing i learnt was being 'God-conscious',not 'sin-conscious'.makes a lot of sense to me.

im thankful to God the most right now.i think about how terrible i thought it'll be,how i cried buckets the day b4 amaths paper1,and altho i did cry overall and for amaths paper2 today..i think God really showed his power.hello,i din get a2 for combined humans without a miracle.c6 to a2! amazing grace,really.

i know God has a plan for me up his sleeve.i know that even if i din do fantastically now,it's all part of that plan.what i can change,is my heart towards it.

i really dun rmb wat i wanted to blog abt! was it saving private ryan? all the guts and glory?

or was it the sisterhood of the travelling pants? with the cute greek guy?

whatever it is,im ponning sch again because i can't be bothered to watch the baton thing.im tired.i need a break from all the stress.

i wonder if i can still make it to victoria.

and i wanna thank my mum,my pa,and my friends for supporting me (each other) throughout the whole prelims thing.but most importantly,i thank God for being so merciful,and so..great! haha.

thanks to dave as well for his out of the blue reminder to always commit each paper to God,and move on.i never forgot that line for some reason,and it's helped me keep on track no matter how scary the marks got. (: thank you dave.

and to my partners-in-crime (HAHA in school,more likely) helan and nicole,who dried my tears and made it seem alright again.yeechian and shuen also get the honour of sticking beside me,tho without choice,thru and thru.

(: and now,it's on to project Oh-Oh.  ¶ 10:59 PM 1 comments

  who am i not because of who i am
but because of what you've done
not because of what iv done
but because of who you are

who am i?

I AM a flower quickly fading
here today and gone tomorrow
a wave tossed in the ocean
vapour in the wind
STILL YOU hear me when im calling
LORD you catch me when im falling
you told me who i am
I AM YOURS

whom shall i fear
whom shall i fear
I AM YOURS.

  ¶ 12:20 AM 0 comments

  i shall dream of joshua that hump on my back is getting worse!! oh no!! what if i become old and bent by age 20? what to do!! is my hair too heavy or something??

aiyaaa.im so worried abt the curve la.

:( hmmph.


anyway,just wanted to blog about josh today.it's the 3rd time he did that 'don't sleep too late!' thing with a little message before he quickly signs offline.i feel touched.it's his way of saying KEEP GOING! iv finally realized that he cares a lot abt me regardless of how crappy my marks are (he may not know >:D)..well im going to pay it back next year for sure.i love you josh!

one thing i feel bad about too is that im always going around saying i love jon and this and that,and he told me once 'goodnite!maybe you'll dream of jon!..etc' yeah and went offline b4 i cld say anything again.see,i feel bad.im being biased again!

prelims have been a nightmare.tmr is a double take of heartattack.GEOG,then PHYSICS.

i would change a lot of things,on the contrary of Spin.

but i won't change how much i love josh now.hahaha.

i hereby declare that I LOVE JOSH!

  ¶ 11:25 PM 2 comments

  you're always there to wilber pan is incredibly cute but incredibly untalented.unlike jay chou.looks do not speak a thing abt substance.ahh.results have been the number one thing these days.as shu says,we can't take that many heart attacks in a day.will not bother disclosing much abt the nonsense iv sat thru for 3 days already.but i will say that for now,im guessing a 5 pts,onli 4 subs.entirely guessing for amaths.maybe.God's grace,power perfected in weakness,really works wonders.

and we all thot we wldn need to use our chinese o lvl results.now it laughs in our face.we need it more than it does us.

im reminded of stomp because EVERYONE is talking abt it.shu and i were lamenting abt how we'll nv be able to watch it.rachel and i were supposed to watch it like last week! but of course,she fell dreadfully sick and i was too traumatized stiff by prelim results.and distracted by photoshop.we forgot ALL abt our date.stomped.

spin sounds a lot like rescue me.the sound effects that is.i love both! they sound the same to me.looks like im over fix you by coldplay.that was a rather brief love affair.all started when i thot that 'spin' was 'rescue me'.was like,listening out for the 'rescue' part of the song.as i onli haf a shuffle,not that nano my father is keeping safely in his room,i cldn even tell wat song i was listening to otherwise.

but ishuffle keeps ppl like me interested.it's unpredictable! and everytime i put in new songs or change the arrangements,i get all excited again to listen out for wats going to come out la,blahblah.

right now am just listening to an alternate of rescue me and spin.trying to convince myself they're like the same.

oh yes,will be going to rowee's house tmr! to jam.oh yessss,f4 reunited! she was choosing songs yest.we're gona watch i am sam,courtesy of me,too.but i guess this dream is coming to an end,and O lvl's reloom.esp with the prelim results.slaps in the face.over and over again.

will i ever get to my victoria?

i can do,all things thru,Christ who strengthens me.

my weakness is perfected in his power.amaths was a miracle today.there is a God out there,in me. :) be still my soul.whoo!

when everything starts crashing down,and all i know falls to the ground,when darkness comes and i can't see,ur ALWAYS THERE TO RESCUE ME.

  ¶ 11:16 PM 0 comments

  everything starts crashing down and the world is spinning round

rescue me by planetshakers

When im alone the world is such a different place
Sometimes its hard to keep the smile upon my face
It seems like I try so hard and still I let you down
Its taken so long but now theres one thing that Ive found

When everyting starts crashing down
When all I know falls to the ground
When darkness comes and I can't see
You're always there to rescue me

Just when I think that Ive got it figured out
You open my eyes and let me see that theres no doubt
But you've got it all within the power of your hand
It seems like the more I know the less I understand

When everyting starts crashing down
When all I know falls to the ground
When darkness comes and I can't see
You're always there to rescue me
When all my strength has turned to fear
When I wonder if you're near
When I dont know how to break free
You're always there to rescue me

I wonder if Ill make it through this darkest night
I need to know your strength in me gonna win this fight
Im reaching out wont you take my hand show me to the light
I know you're by my side

It seems like I try so hard and still I let you down
Its taken so long but now theres one thing that Ive found

When everyting starts crashing down
When all I know falls to the ground
When darkness comes and I can't see
You're always there to rescue me
When all my strength has turned to fear
When I wonder if you're near
When I dont know how to break free
You're always there to rescue me

spin by lifehouse

I'd rather I chase your shadow all my life
Than be afraid of my own
I'd rather be with you
I'd rather not know
Where I'll be than
Be alone and convinced that I know

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
And I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Everything I know has let me down
So I will just let go
Let you turn me inside out
Cause I know I'm not sure
about anything
But you wouldn't have it any other way

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
And I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

Spinning turning watching burning
All my life has found its meaning
Walking crawling climbing falling
All my life has found its meaning

You and I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

When the world keeps spinning round
My world's upside down
And I wouldn't change a thing
I've got nothing else to lose
I lost it all when I found you
And I wouldn't change a thing
No, you and I wouldn't change a thing

No, you and I wouldn't change a thing  ¶ 11:03 PM 0 comments

  something went wrong it is like the twist of fate
but who believes in such things anyway
it was a stupid mistake
it wasn't anybody's fault
maybe her own
maybe not
this had never happened before
she should have seen it coming her way
but it happened
and when it did it was amusing for a while
but little ironies like that are tragic
they are just stupid ideas
in the madness of boredom
and perhaps the lack of sunshine
the desire to run away with the music
that chimes in her ears
she just needed a character to play with
a story to make up
someone to fall in love with
or no
there is already someone else
she thinks
there is no one at all
she thought
but everyone needs someone to love from time to time
not love
like
ridiculous
but when the music starts to sing
seeing clouds roll by is a facade
beneathe it all is raw human emotion
flipping uncontrolled somewhere inside
beauty is not a face
it is an illusion
but she cannot be dreaming
even if she blinks once
twice
things could have gone so simply
left to simmer
die out
nothing should have come out of it
but in the heat of the moment
something went wrong  ¶ 10:25 PM 0 comments

  I LOVE JON...C