born to blade;raised to FLY

a deliberate attempt to be emancipated!

2007-03-29T00:36:00.000+08:00

Dimensional Insanity

2007-03-27T22:24:00.000+08:00

My life can start from a million places. I realize this whenever I'm on a crowded bus standing precariously alone, or maybe when I'm quarrelling with someone and I'm so damn angry I'm just wondering how anyone else can live this way. My story always has to start like this -- a dramatic solitude, a shattering dose of reality.

Today I'm experiencing none of such, instead I'm just sitting on the same rough red chair I've been studying on for as long as we've lived in this house, at my computer, typing this. What else can I do online besides nothing? I'm listening to the same song I've been since yesterday feeling increasingly upset that I cannot relate to what she's singing about - love - what else can songs be written about? These days I'm floating in and out of nonchalence, I tell someone on the instant messenger. When I'm strong, powerful in my head, I don't care if I haven't got a boy to save me, because I wouldn't need him. I don't need anyone on those days. But then there's the rest of the week, such as today, when half-empty lyrics force me into a hole of depression that most things at my age come in pairs.

How long am I going to breathe normally before you come along? How long more before I will have to cry my tears for you because I think I love you? Jealousy, passionate anger, long moments of weakness and even longer moments of strength, all because of you. And then I'll take a deep look backwards into the future, and my life would have been pulled out of its delicate proportion all because right now, I don't have a clue who you are.

the pursuit of happyness

2007-02-24T22:20:00.000+08:00

before i start human geog again,was thinking about the times in my life when i wished time would stop..in the pursuit of happiness.as the new will smith movie says.oh well.hana kimi rocks btw,quan is like,a wangleehom plus rain.which is extremely hot and handsome. (: whoopee.

times in my life when i found happyness to pursue..

1. racho and i would cycle to east coast macs and share wedges and green tea,talk all we want about all the emo shit we have.we'll also have all the time to play with the carnival toy machines and pick the stuff toys we want.we won't care that we only have each other and no boy then.we'll be the happiest singles together.

2. zwing and i would stroll along the track in the dark of night,singing A Whole New World and every other song we sing together..we'll take photos in the dark and sit at the far end of the field talking and laughing.il be listening to her and she won't have kumkay bugging her to go join him at the PE dept or sth.chook rocks la,but with zwing alone im more than happy.

3. josh and i would sit on his bed singing that lin jun jie song over and over again as yongliang snoozes on his bed next to us.we'll talk in whispers and laugh to ourselves as i keep forgetting my lines,and josh would have that endearing smile on his face while i wonder why on earth im singing a love song with a guy i can't possibly be in love with.it doesn't matter though,even if we're not in love unlike the song suggests,im happy.

4. meng would give me a call and we'll talk nonstop through the night saying things to annoy each other,making fun of typos we make and gossiping about sth or another.then il say some emo shit thing and we'll both get so serious.i might cry but meng wouldn't freak out,cos he never does.even if i cry he'll say something funny accidentally trying to make me stop,but i'll be happy nonetheless.

5. steph and i will be sitting in GP class laughing and laughing not so secretly as mr kan struggles to control his urge to kill us.she'll say something funny about jackie chan or pong or God knows which other love interest and ill be furiously shaking with muted laughter.then she'll take out her PE shirt and laugh into it,and its her highly infectious laughter that leaves me everlastingly happy in that moment.

6. trinette will be slightly moody as we cycle home.i'll take her to the park bench,where we'll sit down and have one of those good long talks as the sun sets.i'll probably be in PE attire and all tired out,but it feels great talking to her about things we rarely get to say in our busy lives.she'll tell me things she rarely tells people cos she's scared of what they'll think of her,but i'll be more than happy to listen and prove to her she means more to me than she knows or thinks.

7. either nicky or ben will be walking home after church with me.we'll go to the shell station,and either one of us will treat the other to some junk food item we know we'll regret eating.then we'll slowly walk home,me in high heels and him walking too fast.we'll talk about stuff..all sorts..funny stuff..mummy and her antics.who knows.we'll be eating chips we can't see cos there's barely any light left in the sky and sooner or later one of us will say sth really funny and we'll laugh out loud into the night.maybe we'll sing.im happy when i sing with someone,even my brothers.

8. robyn and i will be on bus 67,which means she'll get off with me at my bus stop to wait for 24 instead of taking 28 to payalebar mrt.on the bus we'll be talking about one of my exploits in school,or maybe rain.we'll probably be disturbing the whole bus giggling about our misadventures.today she's not messaging zheng at the same time but instead she's doing the story telling.i won't even feel left out not telling my stories cos hers would be so interesting.she'll probably do something retarded,robynish.she'll laugh her weird laugh and il be happy to point that out once again.

9. jon and i would be strolling on a beach somewhere.it's four a.m. in the morning and we're both kinda tired.but we're happy we've got each other to talk endlessly to.we won't be able to see a thing except the waves reflecting the moonlight..there's people sleeping on the beach all around us.we'll be holding hands,and i'll still be 2 years older than him.he's still acting gay/drama-mama and i'll be rolling my eyes and telling him how his haircut looks bad as usual,but i love the way he smiles with his dimples.spending rare time with him is always happy.

10. walking in the rain,might be with trinette,might be alone.whatever it is im more caught up with the fact that God's here in the rain,and i can't stop yelling and telling him how much i love him.as the rain pours down all over my face and i can barely see ahead of me,i push my bike against the wind and close my eyes thinking about how God's everywhere around me.if life on my own were a desert,God would be my much needed rain.he's not just happiness.he's joy.

the story so far, part 2

2007-02-16T23:37:00.000+08:00

part 1 was about mrs chan and i blogged that in cosiety abt 2 hours ago.wth it's almost 12 and im only on question 2 of my maths rem ws,which i started 2 hours ago,too.

got distracted reading blogs.actually i was reading duane's blog because i decided to click on the link from my blog,which i was on after listening to the edwin mccain version of i'll be for the thousandth time.after oliver sang it for solo musicfest audits on tuesday,whoever was present from a14 hasn't been the same again.omg i need a guy who can sing like that.i quote steph partially "marry me oliver!!!!".partially because it definitely doesn't have to be oliver if the guy who isn oliver can sing like oliver.and also because i don't think oliver and i know more than 0.01% of each other.

besides the point that i brazenly spent valentine's day doing nothing cept watching what i presumed was a romantic korean movie called windstruck but wasn't really blown away like i was with 'a moment to remember',where i distinctively rmb 2 moments of me crying my heart out watching son ye jin and the extremely hot jung woo sung be sad over each other.

oh but whatever the case is,i realize how detached i am from most of my friends' lives.its like we're all friends but i have not much of a clue of how they function.we just talk when we have to,laugh like we've been great friends for ages,yet go on by without really knowing who they are when you're not together.it's amazing.the beautiful oblivion that leaves me wondering what the hell friendship is about really.i don't really know what rachel's up to most of the time,and i can live weeks without seeing zwing.i talk to robyn only once a week.

i repeat what i just said to k square: omg,im blogging.

i don't know what's been going on with my life either.i feel like sending a msg to myself saying what's up? and i'll have no clue.i just know that iv been spending my hnf-less days (liberation,hallelujah!) coming home early or hanging out in sch listening to musicfest wannabes like the divine oliver (i mean,his voice) with my darling a14 ppl.i have a list of 10 korean movies i want to watch,and iv watched 4 already i think.a list of unending school things i have to do.common tests to sit for.

iv been studying hard,as of today.after cycling with rachel ho last night till like 1130 (i wld have gladly stayed up more but i didn't have the house keys) and wondering whether the guys in my class really hate me with her,i came home and slept and woke up this morning only to go back to sleep half an hour later till 1245. then i woke up and ate chocolate for lunch,bathed and started studying geog till 4 sth.was supposed to go for felcomv2 meeting by 5,but my parents returned home from who knows where and i decided to wait for dinner and study econs.so i did,and robyn i think almost killed me for not showing.

anyhow.watched xmen3 till 9 30 and the dreaded computer has resulted in me still being awake at this hour instead of trying to do more work with my life.i seem to have lost the ability to do anything,as of today,cept work.and i still feel empty.like,i need more work.

wth?

for those who suffer.

2007-01-25T22:07:00.000+08:00

All of us suffer. All of us have adversity. All of us are hurt in one way or another and at the most inconvenient time. The point is, do we let our suffering or adversity knocks us out. We are knocked out: when we keep on complaining about life’s injustices, when we recount the unhappy events in our mind over and over again, when we become bitter, when we seek revenge, when we are imprisoned by these events. Yes, we can be knocked down by adversity or suffering, but we have to bounce back and move on. Again and again! We must never allow these events to chain us to the past. We have to develop the courage to spring up fighting again and again at life’s challenges. We can take up our cross and remain brave and still caring and thus add a fuller meaning to our life here on earth. This is a triumph of our spirit. This is real success in life.

All of us think of our suffering as unique and private. But what is most private is also most universal. People have been there and gone through the same suffering. What can we learn from them so that we are prepared? What must we plan ahead to understand? What can we do, to better prepare ourselves to handle the crisis?

I think the following advance preparations are useful:

1. Ask “What” instead of “Why”

2. See what Jesus says about “Who is responsible for our suffering?”

3. Learn from Jesus’ suffering.

4. Accept the miracles at His time and in His way

5. Call ourselves to make that quantum leap in our faith.

6. Equip ourselves to help, comfort and counsel others

---------------------------------------

1. Ask “What” instead of “Why”
When adversity or suffering strikes, it consists of two main events:
(1) The cause--Why? and
(2) Our response.
By instinct, most of us want to figure out the cause of our pain before we decide how to respond. The first question we naturally ask is “Why?” Why God? Why me? Why now? Why is this happening to me? Why am I being punished? Why does God allow this to happen to me? Why am I having such a difficult time? We ask the “why” over and over again. We will find that we can never get a satisfactory answer from our “Why” question. In fact if we go on and not change direction we will end up being angry and bitter with God, fate, whatever.

At some point we have no choice but to change our focus and ask “What.” Now that the adversity, suffering, pain or hardship has occurred, what must I do? What can I learn from this experience? What did I learn from this experience that will help me to move forward? What are the hidden promises in this suffering? What are the buried treasured messages? What must I seek and find? What faith must I cultivate? When we refocus on the “what” of our response, we are more likely to find solutions to our problems.

All of us react to suffering as something uninvited, undesirable and unwelcome. But every suffering or pain we experience is the kind that normally comes to anyone. Pain and suffering are part and parcel of living in the world and Christians are not exempted. But, when we turn to Jesus, Jesus promises that He will help us and He will work WITH us to turn the suffering and pain round for our good. The external circumstances (the pain, the suffering, the hardship or the adversity) may not change BUT our internal attitude and response to them will certainly change. As Christians, we are all challenged to discover the element of good in our suffering in order to promote our spiritual growth and to build our character. With our finite mind, we may not be able to see what possible “good” could ever come out from our suffering. But in His infinite wisdom, God promises to take “all things” including suffering, abuses, evil things, and turn them round for good as “in all things God works for good with those who love Him.” (Romans 8:28 TEV) God also promises that He will never leave us nor abandon us. He says, “I will never leave you; I will never abandon you.”(Hebrew 13:5 TEV) and “I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28:20 NKJV) “I will never turn away anyone who comes to Me” (John 6:37 TEV) We have to learn to hear with our inner ears and hearts to these comforting phases of “I will.” We can take God at His Word that He will help us, comfort us, strengthen us and support us through our adversity and suffering.

Yes, the way we respond to adversity or suffering will determine whether life's most painful experiences bring bitterness, resentment and despair or become a source of blessing and hope, which makes us better, grateful people.2. See what Jesus says about “Who is responsible for our suffering?”

The clearest insight into this question appears in Luke chapter 13 (NJB). Jesus was asked about two “current events” that prompted much local discussion. One was an act of political oppression, in which Pilate had killed members of a religious minority, while they were offering sacrifices to God; the other, a construction accident that killed eighteen people. Jesus answered and said to them, “Do you suppose that these Galileans were worse sinners than any others, that this should have happened to them? They were not, I tell you. No; but unless you repent you will all perish as they did. Or those eighteen on whom the tower in Siloam fell, killing them all? Do you suppose that they were more guilty than all other people living in Jerusalem? They were not, I tell you. No; but unless you repent you will all perish as they did.”(v 2-5) Jesus did not fully answer the question most in their mind---the cause of the suffering. Jesus answers from above to the questions raised from below. His answer from above is about spiritual death. Physical death should alert us to our spiritual death and unless we repent we will spiritually perish like them. When we witness death, it is a call for repentance, a call for a radical change of our hearts, a call for us to turn to God, a call for conversion and a call to be reborn from above.

Jesus does not explain, “Here’s why those two tragedies occurred.” But He makes one thing clear---they occurred not as a result of any specific wrongdoing of the victims. So no grieving relative need to stand around wondering what brought about calamities; Jesus makes it plain that the victims had done nothing unusual to deserve their fates. They were the same as other people. They were sinners but no worse than other people. But Jesus did not stop there. He uses both tragedies to point to the eternal truths relevant to everyone---“unless you repent you will all perish as they did.” Jesus implies that we “bystanders” of catastrophes have as much to learn from the events as do the victims. A tragedy should alert us to make ourselves ready in case we are the next victims. Catastrophes thus join together victims and bystanders in a call to repentance, by abruptly reminding us of the brevity of life.

But in verse 11 “there before Him was a woman who for eighteen years had been possessed by a spirit that crippled her” and Jesus healed her and declared that Satan had caused her the pain; ”this woman, a daughter of Abraham whom Satan has held bound these eighteen years---was it not right to untie this bond on the Sabbath day?” (v 16)

Sometimes our illness could be due to our sins, as mentioned by Jesus in His healing of the paralyzed man. “Then behold, men brought on a bed a man who was paralyzed, whom they sought to bring in and lay before Him. And when they could not find how they might bring him in, because of the crowd, they went up on the housetop and let him down with his bed through the tiling into the midst before Jesus. When He saw their faith, He said to him, ‘Man, your sins are forgiven you.’"(Luke 5:18-20 NKJV)

But Jesus makes it absolutely clear that often our suffering has nothing to do with our sin or our parents’ sin. Jesus’ disciples asked Him when they saw a man who was blind since birth: “’Teacher, whose sin caused him to be born blind? Was it his own or his parents’ sin?’ Jesus answered, ‘His blindness has nothing to do with his sin or his parents’ sin. He is blind so that God’s power might be seen at work in him.’” (John 9:2-3 TEV) Here, Jesus teaches His disciples that suffering is no longer tied to sin and punishment. This is a very radical and new concept because all through the Old Testament there is this connection between suffering and sin! And practically all of us still keep making that connection. The enormity of our human suffering is caused not only by physical and emotional pain, but also by our deep sense of guilt attached to the suffering. Jesus radically and definitely disconnected suffering from sin and guilt. He did this in His own person. He who was without sin suffered the most and so broke the fatal connection between suffering and sin.

The best clue we have into how God feels about human pain is to look at Jesus’ response. He never gave an individual or a suffering person a speech about “accepting your lot in life,” or “taking the medicine that God has given you.” or “you must have done something to deserve this.” He seemed unusually sensitive to the groans of suffering people, and set about remedying them. And He used His supernatural powers to heal, never to punish. 3. Learn from Jesus’ suffering?

Jesus learned about hardship, rejection and betrayal. When Jesus first began His ministry, the people hooted, "Can anything good come from Nazareth?" Jesus' neighbors once ran Him out of town and tried to kill Him. The leaders of the day proudly announced that not one authority or religious leader believed in Him. He was rejected, lonely, tired, hungry, personally assaulted by Satan and persecuted by powerful enemies. Yet, when He met people in pain, He was deeply moved with compassion. Not once did He say, "Endure your pain! Swallow your grief!" When Jesus' friend Lazarus died, He wept. Very often, every time He was directly asked, He healed the pain. Sometimes He broke deep-rooted customs to do so, as when He healed a woman who had a spirit of infirmity for eighteen years on the Sabbath day or when he touched outcasts, ignoring their cries of "Unclean!" And Jesus suffers pain when He has an accuser slap His face, a whip lashed across His back, and an iron spike pound through muscle, tendon, and bone. The cross was a picture of torment and suffocation to death, stretching for hours in front of a jeering crowd. The pattern of Jesus' response should convince us that God is not a God who enjoys seeing us suffer.

Because of Jesus, God experiences, truly experiences, our human pain. Our tears become His tears. He suffers with us. He suffers for us. He shares our pain and suffering. He is our companion in suffering. We have not been left alone in our suffering. God understands our suffering and He will not allow it to be wasted. "For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are--yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."(Hebrews 4:15-16 NKJV) We have a high priest who, having graduated from the school of suffering, understands us, "Since He Himself is weak in many ways, He is able to be gentle with those who are ignorant and make mistakes.” (Hebrews 5:2 TEV)

Jesus elevated suffering, transformed it, gave it power, and considers the pain of each member of the human race His pain. So much so that when I alleviate the pain of my brother, or am compassionate with his life, Jesus considers this done to Him, “whenever you did this for one of the least important of these followers of Mine, you did it for Me!” (Matthew 25:40 TEV)4. Accept the miracles At His time and in His way We must learn to accept the fact that Jesus will work His miracles at His pace and time and in His way. The story of Lazarus (John 11:1-44 NJB) demonstrated this very clearly.

Lazarus was sick and “the sisters sent this message to Jesus, ’Lord, the man you love is ill’” (John 11:3). The implication is that they wanted Jesus to heal him. Jesus heard their prayer and delayed answering. “Yet when he heard that he was ill He stayed where He was for two more days” (John 11:6). Lazarus, Mary and Martha are the people whom Jesus loves and stay with often, still adversity happened to them. Bad things do happen even to those whom Jesus loves! Three times in this chapter we are told that Jesus loves Lazarus. (John 11:3,5,36) Why does He allow Mary and Martha or us to suffer? Sometime there is a greater purpose to suffering than for God to end our suffering. Suffering develops our faith in Him.

Why does Jesus delay? One reason for His delay is for us to come to have complete faith in Him. Jesus’ delay in answering our prayers is never due to indifference or an inability to act. His delays and His Ways can be confusing because the process God uses to accomplish His will can go against our human logic and common sense. His delay has as its purpose the development of our trust in Him and for our good.

Lazarus was dead for four days. For four days Mary and Martha were in agony and in hopeless and helpless grief over the death of their loved one, Lazarus. Why does Jesus allow such grief to the people He loves? Jesus did not enjoy in the least seeing His loved ones suffer. In fact, “Jesus wept” (John 11:35). But Jesus’ focus was on the big picture and the purpose of God that would be accomplished. It took one day to travel to where Jesus was to inform Him that Lazarus was sick. By the time Jesus was informed Lazarus was already dead. Jesus knew that God would be glorified to a far greater extent by the resurrection of Lazarus. Jesus knew that His disciples, as well as Mary and Martha, would experience quantum leap in faith because He resurrected Lazarus.

What reasons do we need before we will develop a deep faith in Jesus? Do we believe intellectually, based on what the Bible says that God has the power to answer our prayer but lack the personal faith to believe that God will exercise it now on our behalf? Before Jesus could work His miracle, He has to challenge Martha to demonstrate her faith through sheer obedience to His command to “take away the stone” (John 11:39). Had Martha argued and not removed the stone, there would have been no miracle of the resurrection of Lazarus. What are the stones Jesus commands us to remove?

Jesus commands us:

to remove the stones of doubt

to remove the stones of rage

to remove the stones of fear

to remove the stones of unforgiveness

to remove the stones of unkindness

to remove the stones of hypocrisy

to remove the stones of nagging tongue

to remove the stones of revenge

to remove the stones of envy

to remove the stones of pride

to remove the stones of iniquity

to remove the stones of jealousy

to remove the stones of selfishness

to remove the stones of self-pity,before He will work His miracles on us.

The story of Lazarus is a story of faith and the necessity of placing that faith in Jesus for the miracle to happen.5. Suffering calls us to make that quantum leap in our faith.

No one wants suffering

No one likes suffering

No one seeks suffering

No one enjoys suffering

No one looks forward to suffering

We do not welcome suffering and pain. Neither did Jesus want suffering. He prayed, ”My Father, if it is possible, take this cup of suffering from Me! Yet not what I want, but what You want.” (Matthew 26:39 TEV) “In great anguish He prayed even more fervently; His sweat was like drops of blood falling to the ground.”(Luke 22:44 TEV) In His suffering, “An angel from heaven appeared to Him and strengthened Him.”(Luke 22:43 TEV) So too, we need faith, family and friends to be ministering angels to us. We also need Jesus to strengthen us in our suffering.

When I am overtaken by sickness or adversity I must seek whatever remedies the world affords me. But, will I be tempting God’s divine providence, if I don’t do my best to find a solution? Doesn’t my best mean that I must not be lazy or apathetic or slovenly in my attempts? Thus, I must act and do whatever I can---use my intelligence, experience, consult doctors, family, friends, Internet, experts, prayers and whatever God has put within my reach---and then calmly endure and patiently await the outcome. If God sees fit to cure my sickness or to overcome my adversity I will thank Him joyfully. But if, on the other hand, He permits the sickness or the adversity to persist, I need to vigorously steel and battle myself to surrender to His will for me. Meanwhile, I must still maintain that faith and sing praises to the Lord and rejoice always in His kindness. In another word, pray fervently for the grace to act as Mother Teresa advises: “Accept whatever He gives---and give whatever He takes with a big smile.” (A Gift for God, 46) I have to believe that God will guide my life. I have to believe that joy can come amidst my suffering just as crushed grapes can produce delicious wine. I have to believe that God is preparing me to “bear much fruit” (John 15:2 TEV). Such an attitude is vital for my long term health and well being.

Suffering is God’s megaphone calling us to Him, calling us to make that quantum leap in our faith and trust in Him. For how do we know the “God of all comfort” if our faith has not been tested by the trials of suffering and pain? St Peter tells us, “Be glad about this, even though it may now be necessary for you to be sad for a while because of the many kinds of trials you suffer. Their purpose is to prove that your faith is genuine. Even gold, which can be destroyed, is tested by fire; and so your faith, which is much more precious than gold, must also be tested, so that it may endure. Then you will receive praise and glory and honor on the Day when Jesus Christ is revealed.”(1 Peter 1:6-7 TEV) Jesus reminds us that, “not one sparrow falls to the ground without your Father’s consent” and “you are worth much more than many sparrows!” (Matthew 10:29,31 TEV) We know that we are “children of God” (1 John 3:1 TEV), and that God is “always ready to help (us) in times of trouble” (Psalms 46:1 TEV), and nothing can come into our lives unless He allows it. We have to believe that with all our heart, and look about expectantly for what God is doing---in us or through us.

One reason why God allows us to have trials and adversity is for us to discover and learn for ourselves, through our own personal experience, "how very great is His power at work in us who believe." (Ephesians 1:19 TEV)

God allows suffering as one of the ways He grabs our attention to truly and fully turn to Him. We are therefore encouraged to continue to seek His comfort, His support and His strength. We are also encouraged not to view the present situation as one, which should only be endured until relief comes. We know that in our world, we learn to mature and grow through difficult, challenging and painful experiences. So, we have to face our suffering and we have to befriend our suffering. We have to patiently live through our suffering. We have to let our suffering bear fruit in our hearts.

God allows suffering to be a means of discipline through which faith, love, patience and grace may be cultivated in our lives. When we pray and let Jesus live near our hurts, we will learn how He uses our suffering to mould and draw us closer to Him. We can be sure that God in His divine purpose desires to bring about in us the greatest good because He loves us.

The great secret in life is that suffering can become a source of new hope and new life. We know: no hardened ground can bear fruit if it is not broken up by the plough; no grain can become bread if it is not ground and baked; and no rough diamond can be transformed to its true brilliance if it is not cut and polished. So, in like manner, if our hearts are hard like stone, it will not bear fruit; but our lives can be fruitful if our hearts are opened up and softened through suffering. Our hearts are then renewed to help others. 6. Equip us to Help, Comfort and Counsel others

If we want to be used by God, if we want to be “fully qualified and equipped to do every kind of good deed” (2 Timothy 3:17 TEV), we will have to travel the road of suffering at some point in our life. For how can anyone lead others out of the jungle if he has never been there? St Paul tells us that; “God helps us in all our troubles, so that we are able to help others who have all kinds of troubles, using the same help that we ourselves have received from God. Just as we have a share in Christ’s many sufferings, so also through Christ we share in God’s great help.”(2 Corinthians 1:4-5 TEV) “(God) comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.”(2 Corinthians 1:4-5 NIV) “He supports us in every hardship, so that we are able to come to the support of others, in every hardship of theirs because of the encouragement that we ourselves receive from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ overflow into our lives; so too does the encouragement we receive through Christ.” (2 Corinthians 1:4-5 NJB)

As Christians, we have been helped, comforted and supported by Jesus in our suffering. We are, therefore, called or challenged to make visible Jesus’ love for all suffering humanity, by helping, supporting, comforting and being patiently present to all suffering individuals who come our way. Indeed, we need to be ministering angels to one another, to give one another comfort, consolation, courage and strength to move on in life and not be locked in the prison of our past suffering, trial, pain and/or hardship.

However, in helping or comforting others, we must not forget what Mother Teresa says, “Don’t give in to discouragement. No more must you do so when you try to settle a marriage crisis or convert a sinner and don’t succeed. If you are discouraged, it is a sign of pride because it shows you trust in your own powers. Never bother about people’s opinions. Be humble and you will never be disturbed. It is very difficult in practice because we all want to see the result of our work. Leave it to Jesus.” (Contemplative at the Heart of the World, 107) ----------------

To learn any lesson quickly remember the acronym: "ASK to SEE and LEARN the ACEs (main ideas) of whatever we are learning."

boy diary

2007-01-21T01:47:00.000+08:00

if i'm not wrong the rain picture should finally be gone.i don't know why im blogging really.completely lost momentum and now i don't blog anymore.i don't write anyth anymore either.actually if i look back and consider how my life is going..im busy doing nothing.very busy,honest.but i don't seem productive.productive and not doing anything worth doing.i just know im always tired and there's a lot of homework.everybody probably is mugging away,or at least completely math tutorials..but all i'm doing is thinking about going for tuition to figure math out but never getting pass that stage of progress.

progress is the wrong word.

meng's birthday now.but i bet he's sleeping.how odd.it's meng's birthday.a thousand images are brought to mind.or rather,memories and what if's.i should wish him soon.

im too tired to care if rain's in sg and sleeping peacefully now.im also too ashamed of myself because ppl like rachel's melvin exist and are so super godly,it scares me.that's what i need to go back to being.God-crazy.not some fan of rain.

forget the rain,bring back the Son.

plus too many girls like rain.i shall just turn my attentions to sexy integration from now on.

a bit of a love poem

2007-01-13T23:31:00.000+08:00

there were many times i thought i loved you
i loved you when i thought i loved you
and i loved you even when i was convinced i didn't

you probably thought i only loved you sometimes
when i felt like it i loved you,
but most of the time i felt nothing else

maybe i might have only loved you and you alone
then again i loved you when you lost yourself
i could have loved you even if you weren't you

if you made me cry i wouldn't love you,
i said with my fingers crossed behind my back-
you knew tears could only mean i loved you

what did you do to make me love you
i tried not to ever love you the way i loved you
but i loved you before i fell in love with you

who were you that i should have loved you
i loved everything about you
loved the things you were and things you never were

maybe then i didn't really love you
because now i don't believe i loved you
but in my dreams i always loved you

i loved you all the time, i think
i loved you when you acted like you loved me
i loved you when you couldn't say you loved me

i loved you pretending i was too short to be seen
i loved you when you bent down so i could reach you
i loved you 'cause you agreed to hug me twice

i loved you being good to make me happy
i loved you despite you being bad but never telling me
i loved you because i knew you had no choice but to lie to me

i loved you when i could tell you loved me
i loved you even if i was completely bluffing myself
i loved you through my conscious and my sub-conscious

i loved you when you didn't dare to put your arm around me
i loved you more when you squeezed nearer to me instead
i loved you eventhough i wasn't thinking about you

i loved you and those dimples on your face
i loved you allowing me to hold your hand for hours
i loved you all the years you took to grow up

but no matter how much i remember loving you
i also remember hoping to stop loving you
praying our footprints in the sand would disappear

so what if i loved you when i ran my fingers
through your short brown hair, smiling
'cause you purposely left the gel out

did it matter that you were the only one to ever
say i meant more to you than i would know
and i knew then you were telling the truth?

we could have stayed up the whole night talking
your head resting bravely against my shoulder
voice low and trusting, unafraid

and i would have loved you more than anyone
but baby you never loved me once or twice yourself
yes, i love you, i love you, i love you;

but now i loved you.

-based on a few true stories.

You Said

2006-11-28T14:23:00.000+08:00

You said,
Ask and you will receive
Whatever you need
You said,
Pray and I'll hear from heaven
And I'll heal your land

You said
Your glory will fill the earth
Like water the sea
You said, Lift up your eyes
The harvest is here, the kingdom is near

You said,
Ask and I'll give the nations to you
O Lord, that's the cry of my heart
Distant shores and the islands will see
Your light, as it rises on us

O Lord, I ask for the nations

-You Said, Hillsong

"If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves, but for him who died for them and was raised again. So from now on we regard no one from a worldly point of view...All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has commited to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God...'In the time of my favour I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.' I tell you, now is the time of God's favour, now is the day of salvation."

Mission: China

in God's love and strength,
Joanne.

here comes the sun!

2006-11-18T01:14:00.000+08:00

after all that rain,which has inevitably cost me about 4 plus hours of my life busking in his gorgeous disposition from my computer screen...iv given up trying to resize the stupid picture you're possibly also gazing at up there^^^.chook is going to kill me but..oh well he's off prancing around mount fancypants with his darling zwing right now so i guess that can wait.

iv not done the 4 things i had planned to do tonight as a result of the time wasted completely on rain.which were...

edit my testimony and translate it into chinese
attempt to get writing again(:
do bible devotion!! QT!QT!!
do econs 'Applications of Demand and Supply' tutorial.darn.

oh well.what to do.do i do all that now?especially since michelle is going to totally kill me for not doing my testimony once over yet. :(boohoo.but i feel like just going to sleep now...in vain hopes that i have one more day to do all that 4 things.or maybe get back that 4 hours i just squandered over my darling man-boy rain.one victory though,rachel ho has finally yielded to his endearing charm.that heart-melting smile!gawsh.

aiya.whatever,this is childish.i should have done all my 4 things!!!!now how!?! church is early in the morning and there's no time whatsoever to do 2/4 that's for sure right now..should i stick around a little longer trying to edit the testimony?definitely wanna do QT!!!

now that chook and zwing are gone,iv kinda lost 2 major sources of 24-hour entertainment.maybe that's why i have no more energy to stay up so late.oh,crumbs.

i think i shall first stop blogging and save some time.

2006-11-10T21:46:00.000+08:00

God...where did i go? God i'm here.i'm back.i'm coming back.God where did I go!how could I let you wait.how could i do such a thing to you? God you loved me so much yet I chose to turn my backupon you and go my own way.God ...i'm sorry.how could i do such a thing.for i don't know how long i let you wait and wait.and all i wanted to do was to do my own thing.to do whatever i liked.i fell in love with the world.and out of of love with you.

GOD I LOVE YOU STILL BUT I'VE NEVER PROVEN IT SO FAR.

GOD I'M SO ANGRY WITH MYSELF.im feeling convicted,yet broken and...a failure.iv failed you.if iv ever failed anyone.it's you.i need a true change of heart.my heart...it's been so far from God.what is my heart's desire Lord?you know.im struggling with the Lord...stop me.embrace me.where has my love..my passion for you and everyth about you gone?where has the girl who loves the Lord so much gone?where..am i?

where has my heart gone,Jesus?

...if i leave it be,destroy it and give me a new heart.it's as good as gone for now.it's worthless.make me anew.renew in me the love of God.a strength that comes from the Lord,not a strength that i try to draw upon myself.

everything iv come to admire.come to revere.is not of God.i worship the world with the attitudes of my heart.iv turned my face from the Lord and dropped the Bible like it means nothing more to me.im no better than an unbeliever.

God....

iv gone astray.and all i want to do is turnaround and walk straight back to you.to run.

to....be back with You...

God i'm sick and tired of the world.show me mercy..show me hope..show me love.

Lord,please.

Lord..i need you.

i can't do it on my own.

iv failed you as i am..

God..but i know you still love me.and that you're still the God of the impossible.

God of love.God of hope.God of mercy..

God of me.

God..

what have i built my life upon?...

let it be the Rock of salvation.nothing other.

let me know you,Jesus.

change my heart.

lead me in your purpose.your will for my life.

break me.shake me.make me.

God,let everything I say to you now,..may i mean it.

I meant everything I just said Lord.

please..

grant me a spiritual earthquake.

in your time,but im ready as of now.i don't want to wander any longer.

In Jesus' Name I pray,
amen.

rain(:

2006-11-10T20:43:00.000+08:00

so sorry i haven't been blogging in ages.but yeah been spending my days watching fullhouse,which iv now completed,and engaging in interesting side projects like the christmas musical publicity and the church vid.gonna start working on that soon.

aiya.i can't think of anyth cept how hot rain is for now.i think iv watched his it's raining video like 5 times already or sth.but i have to admit,it's time to start thinking and focusing on my missions and the church stuff.the play time of this holiday fever has to end soon.

if this rain doesn stop,when will my spiritual revival ever begin?

small eyed,sweet smiling,baby-faced boys -- get behind me! especially if you've got a hot bod and equally hot moves to boot.

kamsahamnida

2006-10-21T02:25:00.000+08:00

waiting for my goong show to load on youtube now,therefore i shall blog.sigh it's finally picking up the pace again!! really want to finish 23 and 24 as well tonight..but aiya!! don't think my brain can take it for so long.plus i need to be in church at 10 30 or sth i think.whole day of church coming.

today,or effectively yesterday since it's almost 2 30 a.m., was rather fun.mrs chan's farewell assembly was sweet,and the full-day off seriously made me feel terrible about her leaving.sigh,she's such a funky person la.really really diplomatic and sincerely Victorian in every manner of the word.someone i would want to be like,that's for sure.

got lit back today..and got practically the same result as i did for midyears.which is rather demoralizing cos aiya,no more lit h3 for me.im clearly not fantastic at lit.i think my results should stand as such for now,since i have no idea how to count geography..

A-geog (:(:(:
C-gp (:
D-lit
E-maths
E-chinese
S-econs :(:(:(

i think i got E for chinese la.i also cannot remember already.i think promos were a good improvement,a leap ahead from the horrid DEEEDS of midyears.sadly,i really have to work on that econs otherwise next year im stranded in that class of miscreets if im forced into econs h1,which seems like a VERY possible outcome judging by the horrendous state my econs is in.i think it has sth to do with the ponning of wednesday econs tutorials.i shall never do that again la.gosh,really have such a long way to go to get my econs to that A la.i have to like,pass it first.sigh:(

otherwise,today was fine.im still in the holidaying mood,but royce swan lk n i did try to work on some PW OP today.was quite good in the end,though we only got down to work after my nap,royce's playing,swan's intervention and lk's departure.therefore royce n i only left the house at like,10 30.i met zheng's danny boy at han's today! although i didn't really recognize him,never could..n neither did he remember me then..but online we managed to talk and i realized he's actually pretty nice and not so annoying after all.he's mugging for As right now..was lamenting over his schoolmate rachel ho's current predicament for the promos..which sounds more like de-mo's right now.. :( said he's been doing pretty badly himself but he's still heading for As.oh well..i really don't know what's going to become of my darling racho.God help her!

okay my goong has finished loading.

oh,and one thing..to 06s49,marvelous sign you left me in t37.next time you feel like leaving me another love note,please remember that my name is jonk and not jonks.unless,as gongkia put it aptly the last time,there's more than one jonk in school.i however,will not be taking part in your useless games anymore.louis chan,im sure you do not want anymore of that bad karma catching up on you--

or i just might see you in crutches next,hmm?

upon that lonely beach,will you think of me again?

2006-10-19T23:54:00.000+08:00

footprints in the sand, yours
alone and washed a little away by
the waves that roll and fall
like the ripples of sadness in
your eyes like a heart emptied;
stark hollow. alone, yours

he is the wind in your hair, yours
and the kiss upon your cheek
the moonlight upon your paled skin
like magic sparkling on a
silver lake like your eyes tonight;
full of love. I'm alone, my own

that heart you slipped into his pocket, yours
to give to whom you love
beating softly in sprinkled stardust
like a bright light in the
darkened sky like a dying eclipse;
shining shimmering. No longer alone, together

myself, yours
truly I've never had someone as good
as you my sugar baby
sweet and a child amongst us
like a free spirit roaming
the earth before us like the wind;
in wild abandon. leaving me alone, no one's

walking through a bullet storm

2006-10-18T17:24:00.000+08:00

title of post is inspired by ghost reacon, a stupid game inspired by tom clancy's novel that my brothers are xbox-ing over outside.definitely a bullet storm.this reminds me yet again of the class boys who are just waiting to get over to my house and hijack my xbox/xbox 360.hmm.in a few days the war's going to start.

but that's besides the point really.nowadays,esp this week.i can testify that we're all walking through our own bullet storms.steph was really down yesterday over her results.and today it was my turn when i S'd econs,not very proudly that's for sure.i more or less deserved it,have to say.i mean i was like flunking all my essays before that..don't even need premonition to tell me im NOT going to get A for econs eventhough i studied my guts out for 4 days.more results coming.sigh.GOD GOD GOD.nevermind,im taking whatever you throw my way Lord.

regular life has not been much better.WR finished 2 days ago.and so begins the stress over OP.im still caught up in post-exam mode,and although A lvl Chinese is around the bend in early november,im actually still watching goong and doing practically nothing at all if i can help it.im a lazy shit.

sigh,pardon the vulgarity but there's been lots of rubbish churning around my social circle.things i come to hear about,things im forced to think about,things i don't want to care about but can't because it seriously isn very Christlike to just condemn a man based on rumours and never have anything to do with him again.but then again the Bible also says,say it once to a sinful man,but if he refuses to change his evil ways,it's better to have nth more to do with him.im guessing,simply pray.but actually when i think about the issue of completely writing him off and condemning him in my mind to the depths of the hell im able to comprehend..i don't feel like ever praying for him again.i did before,and for the rest of them.it's like the same way i felt with nicole.i loved her as my sister,us being in the same class and good friends for 4 years.but after a while it just seems so fruitless and i don't see the need to even bother with her anymore.cut ties once,cut all ties.im still not sure if that's the way to go about things.

why do i feel so guilty about this pending condemnation?my mind is definitely made up and so is my heart.he failed the humanitarian test.but before he did i was prompted to pray for the weirdest things for him.zwing and i on the roof that night,talking to chook over the phone.us puzzling over why God would have even prompted me to pray for love for these young men.why love?not for me,duh.but why love for them?why that strong urgency to intervene spiritually..over what? what was that sexual purity thing about,really? questions just keep unfolding.if i hadn't gone through that incident and if zwing hadn't been there to make me sit up and take it seriously..right now he would be completely dead and gone to me.and knowing myself i really couldn't give two hoots to anyone i wrote off my list viciously.i may be emotional,but i think ppl can vouch for me that i can be equally hardhearted.

such a dilemma over nothing.i don't even want to have anything to do with that Bunch anymore.not ever see them again.not ever pray for them again..but talking to chook i did eventually consider this to myself,that when i chose to go about our odd relationship the human way,things got real bad.when i stopped praying,things like these start surfacing more than ever.in a vulgar,ostentatious manner.in-your-face shocks.and then i want to stop taking this human path towards things.i really do.was telling chook last night,me not praying is not helping one bit.me going gaga seems to have weird side effects.

and im not close enough to God to hear anymore,like iv stopped listening.more interested in listening to the world's gossip session and knowing the latest.more interested in forming my own disgusted opinions and turning my eyes towards my handphone for the latest news.instead of falling back to the Lord and asking His opinion.His news that matters the most,that loves the most.only the Lord can have such magnanimous love towards these ppl.when all you want to do is go the easy way and detest them,God goes the other way and reaches out a hand to save them.regardless of who they are,what they've done,what they're going to do.and it's amazing to me now,even as i think about this fact.because whilst my social circle sits back and gaps at their outrageous behaviour,condemning these fools in our hearts and feeling comforted that we're not as sinful as they are..well..who's to say,honestly? let him who has never sinned throw the first stone.

zwing is disturbed by it all,and so am i.i have no idea what chook's stand on all this crap is.what would Jesus do? im guessing,He probably would have not gone all emotionally tied to things,but instead spiritually guide them back home.He would have not bothered with rumours and gossip,since He already knows everything,each man's heart and intention.He would have prayed for them as He came before the Father (DAILY,hint hint!!!) and with a pure and truly honest heart,begged for divine intervention and mercy on their behalf.sigh,He would have loved them so much,and He does.i did manage to pull that off once,that day zwing and i were on the roof.i was actually on the floor and in tears just coming before the Lord and obeying the huge impression i was getting by praying for exactly what was supposedly wrong.them and their lives.but after promos i fell back into my own sinful self and hung up on the Father.haven't been talking too much to Him lately.would rather talk with the world.

which completely sucks,yeah?don't want to do that..shall pray for them la.sigh.God give me strength man. (: Jesus I love YOU.

i so need to start living that purpose-driven life.

2006-10-13T01:48:00.000+08:00

shan, your shirtttt(:

earning back my wasted life

2006-10-09T17:25:00.000+08:00

ah,how slowly the days go by now.im just drifting dreamily through each hour.minutes feel like hours,hours feel like days.promos are over.gawsh.tell me anything that would make me happier than that.okay maybe there is something that's better than that and i bet people like zwing,chook,sam and meng can tell you what it is but HAHA.my big mouth is shut.

i havent blogged in ages.ages.AGES.im such a wasted writer.but now im hitting the storybooks and reading those trashy teenage novels again that inspire me to never write like that, at very very most.i need to find another good book,like geisha/pride&prejudice to indulge my exquisite acquired tastes in books (what the hell.HAHA).

so far iv read rachel's,mel's,huishuang's,and willis' blog.so crappy la! as in,cracks me up to read about their own little escapades.hilarious.we should all compile a book together about the days of our a14 lives, revealed.i actually really liked huishuang's blog! no idea,but it's got some pristine quality to it.and willis' blog was absolutely hilarious.especially the part about steph (girl 1) and me (girl 2).at first it was making me totally laugh out loud (at him,more than at us) but when it got to the part about how some girls but NOT girl 1 or 2 were getting prettier in vj, it became a very 'what the hell' moment.wahlao willis you watch out.one day il flame your name on cosiety.

(((:

i don't know what im feeling now besides winsome.everybody else seems preoccupied with their fantastic wild lives,but im more or less just sitting around watching tv and enjoying the good lazy life, quite unexpectedly.perhaps im just too lazy to get out of the house.the balcony aircon is perpetually switched on,anyway.

im stranded between dimensions of life.studying and slacking.im doing neither,yet im doing something.i don't feel serious,but im struggling to gain control.the flow of life seems to have caught against one large jagged rock or something.the end of promos kinda spelt excessive and potentially harmful leisure.as seaborg says (cross-ref to GP Compre text).

oh yes,and im also completely pissed off at my mother right now,whom i graciously tried doing stuff like cleaning up the kitchen,ironing everybody's clothes,and marking scripts meticulously into the night for.today she's decided to stop being sick and iv been getting nothing but blasting for the mess iv apparently created.before i left for my haircut,session 1.after i came back and totally oblivious to previous displeasure (on MY part),session 2.definitely another 'what the hell' moment there.like,what the hell!i was trying to be nice,really.and this is all i get.condemnation.i repeat,what the hell! an angry person is a dangerous person.mummy,im angry at you.sorry.but im really angry and disappointed in your behaviour.

God forgive me.

on a lighter note,last night racho was showing my some deviantart stuff,this time of this person called silentbride.chook showed me some other really great photographers before too.but silentbride beats them flat.i completely LOVE her photog art.beautiful pieces so carefully thought over and conducted into life on film.gorgeous and hideous, gothic and angellic all rolled together.ah,made me feel extremely ashamed of my own ability.been fiddling with photoshop a lot and trying out lots of color balance alterations,working with different color ranges,playing with curves.but no way is my art good enough for deviantart viewers.man.racho's good though.loads of potential there.ah yes,and chook kk's photographs also la.all the deviantart ppl.

i need to call steph soon and tell her about willis' blog entry but her phone is dead.meanwhile,i shall just go back to reading my trashy teenage novels and binge on the little fantasies and fallacies of the old wise and very evil writers who convince teenagers life is what it is in those ridiculous stories of theirs.oh please,not everybody is bronzed, fit and summersoaked gorgeous like their poshy characters.

but who cares,i could be.((:HAH.

Things to Do.

2006-10-08T03:10:00.000+08:00

1. seeking the kingdom, continued
2. write a letter to china people before i actually go there,announcing my arrival (both BJ n ZZJ)
3. think of and get really nice stuff for them too (ask rachel and zwing for ideas)
4. get cool photoalbum + photos from chook for them(:
5. think of cool things to do for lesson time/english corner
6. ask sean to meet up so we can settle publicity stuff
7. hurry up and settle the christmas musical publicity stuff!!!!think of consolidated ideas,please.
8. meet darren and esther for video discussion
9. stay in school overnight with class people and talk on the roof
10. have a stayover + xbox championships soon soon soon
11. get that last flight out song, and all the other songs I've lost from the old laptop
12. revamp blog? perhaps.
13. start blogging for cosiety again!!!!!!sheesh.podcasting sessions please!
14. study for A lvl chinese and PASS THEM
15. do WR and have loads of fun plus oreo iceblend with the PW grp
16. GYMMING,plus some running please.have regular uZap sessions or sth HAHA
17. eat less and eat smart.
18. sleep sufficiently!at least 8 hours!
19. study for some stuff so next year won't die during A lvl mugging
20. oh yeah, COACH MENG for O LVLS.and help everybody else who needs my help too.
21. START CELL IN SCHOOL.
22. go library borrow many many books and make up for all that lost reading time!!
23. be a better person to everybody and cultivate good godly from the heart character
24. CLEAN ROOM.revamp room? maybe.if too bored.
25. write a story about us(:
26. have a Get-Together's GET TOGETHER.
27. fill up missions forms.
28. update songs in phone,please i beg you.
29. get more clothes, in desperate need.
30. get contacts and new cherry red glasses.
31. GET HAIR CUT.think about dye-ing hair.
32. get eyebrows plucked back into shape soon
33. watch a lot of movies and serial dramas.more DVDs please!
34. watch a lot of TV - America's Next Top Model, Project Runway III, Princess Hours, Yang Sisters, Maggie and Me, Ten Years of Comedy, Ticket to Indulgence, PRISON BREAK.
35. get new devotion book for teenagers.
36. get that Power of the Praying Teen book for zwing too.don't forget own copy is with chook.
37. think about what christmas presents to give everyone this year
38. hype up for all the end of year CRAZE for fellowship comm!make a list of fun games.
39. arrange cupboard/table/racks/iTunes/desktop/photographs
40. PLAY WITH APPLE'S MOVIE MAKER
41. go down to meng's art room and paint stuff
42. learn how to take good pictures from huey and chook.
43. improve dying piano skills and learn new songs
44. spend loads and loads of quality time with a14/zwing/rachel/robyn/rowe/ryl/shan
45. have a positive attitude towards cell and start serving actively
46. get addicted to a ridiculous computer/xbox game - LOTR/winning 11/tennis
47. train hard to master table tennis and beat aaron.
48. to rid my life of unnecessary beings who are incredibly cute but infinitely stupid.
49. focus upon people who truly mean something to me and be a genuine friend.
50. cycle around singapore with david/zwing/brandon/yong/terence

*51. Plan Life.

Where is my Sweet Sorrow?

2006-09-28T23:13:00.000+08:00

Where is my Sweet Sorrow? She eludes me.
Too long have I shunned her slender fingers around my broken heart
Numbed my intuition from her loving kisses upon my head
I'm naked, tempted, but I refuse her.

Stilled within my trembling soul, she eludes me.
Like a fire in a darkened room, flickering
Burning through my loins, my heavy loins of darkness
I reach out to stroke her desire, but then I snuff her out.

Sweet Sorrow she longs to free me but she eludes me-
To fill my mouth with the breath of redemption from her lips
She's wiped the bloodshed from their shameful eyes and made them see
For her love I am desperate, I am needy, but I am blind.

2006-08-24T00:09:00.000+08:00

love your shoes too(: <3333

2006-08-24T00:08:00.000+08:00

you're my bestfriend at any rate -

2006-08-24T00:06:00.002+08:00

il let you take centrestage here baby -

2006-08-24T00:06:00.001+08:00

full of life and fun and joy -

2006-08-24T00:06:00.000+08:00

yeah, you're a sweet one little girl -

2006-08-24T00:05:00.000+08:00

not without crying helpless upon my shoulder after that -

2006-08-24T00:04:00.001+08:00

but sometimes you lose it and smile along -

2006-08-24T00:04:00.000+08:00

and when i act silly, you pout and let me be -

2006-08-24T00:03:00.000+08:00

and whilst i go on smiling strong, you dream ahead of me -

2006-08-24T00:02:00.000+08:00

a take two of my glittery life, edited and perfected -

2006-08-24T00:01:00.002+08:00

but in you my bestfriend i find a second part of me -

2006-08-24T00:01:00.001+08:00

just jonk.a shooting star.

2006-08-24T00:01:00.000+08:00

this is me,jonk,alone-

2006-08-24T00:00:00.000+08:00

so i just didn't smile the next year.

2006-08-23T23:59:00.003+08:00

me,aw.i didn't know how to smile.

2006-08-23T23:59:00.002+08:00

the most disgusting hairstyle ever

2006-08-23T23:59:00.001+08:00

me in the car boot

2006-08-23T23:59:00.000+08:00

ben and nicky both look like freaks

2006-08-23T23:58:00.000+08:00

ben and me..omg i look like a freak.

my life so far

2006-08-19T03:05:00.000+08:00

right now,gona sleep any moment.which sounds kinda crazy because it's almost 5 am and i just finished permutations tutorial.feeling rather accomplished over math right now,since that's all iv been rushing thru all week.tutorials and assignments.no maths whiz tho.leaves me feeling rather stupid most of the time.at least i don't have to sit thru R lectures.

hmm.life is odd right now.im like drifting thru life accumulating tiredness,yet not really doing much to deserve to feel tired.that's how i see it that is.i slept from 3-9 today,i admit.was so tired after that great lunch that i din bother giving myself any awake time to digest.wound up having an extremely disturbing dream consisting mainly of PE in indonesia,walking around a shopping centre in a swimsuit and heels and winding up in a dingy but freaky boarding house where chook appears with a baby and girlfriend in tow.the first words i spoke as my brother woke me from my slumber at the end of the dream was 'oh gosh i just had some nightmare'.don't ever sleep on a full stomach.

my life right now,however,does not consist of swimsuits or indonesian PE lessons.does however contain lots of zwing and a14 madness,and a more than necessary amount of chook kk.nobody should jump to conclusions upon reading this,neither am i about to reveal what has been going on with all 4 parties (me,zwing,a14 and chook) during this period of high eccentricity and uncertainty.have to say tho,have become even more attached to school and the people.zwing and i have never been better bestfriends,a14 has never been so chummy and united,and i haven had a good guy friend i can talk to incessantly (please correct my spelling) like chook for a rather long time since meng's gone off to settle his Os without my help and zheng's off with robyn dearest.which is rather nice,cos i'd be missing meng pretty much otherwise.im so glad his oral turned out alright.it better!!! after all those long nights of phone conversations with me, the speak-good-english freak, especially.as for zheng,he needs all the time he can get with robyn before he's off to army next year anyway.at any rate,can connect with chook somehow i think.wonder if it's just me.hope that in the long run everyth will be good for him and ahem.

i just looked thru my schedule and realized i have like 3 weeks to study for term3 stuff,2 for term1-2 stuff,and 1 study break week to consolidate everyth together and ace my promos.ace may not be a good word choice,but aiya.(:sounds good tho,i better not have miscalculated the dates.

the get-togethers have not been very together lately.rachel's so busy with her art and SA..rowe is just popping in and out of my life once in a while when i hear a song we used to sing in class..like she will be loved,we believe,qing tian.cheryl was complaining how ppl in vj think we're freaks if we burst out in song in the middle of class,so unlike sc.we sang so much to rowe's guitar last year and last last year.sigh.the things i miss about sc.how we hug everytime we meet,scream everytime we see each other and hold hands to walk around.im quite glad i have zwing to make up for a bit of the lost SC-ness.and shan and cheryl,cos we're still best buddies in school man.if ONLY rach and rowe were here.it'll be great.but i guess God has different plans for each of us.maybe we should just join musicfest next year anyway.get a drummer/bassist (depending on what shan wants to play) and an electric guitarist.actually considering how well i do not sing,perhaps sld swap me as well.haha.eh then what's the use of joining if it's not even a majority of the original band?haha.

okay it's reaching 5.note to self,get-togethers desperately need to GET TOGETHER.

GOD IS MY BELAYER.

2006-08-13T03:22:00.000+08:00

dear God,you have noooo idea (actually you do) how great tonight was God.thank you thank you thank you.wow.i mean,wow.really that's about all i can say to your victorious ways Lord.and i mean,the calling is getting stronger and stronger.all i need now is your confirmation that this is for ME.moving into VJ? really?WOW.deuteronomy..assemble the people..crossing the Jordan into the land which you will possess.and suddenly i recall this verse..when you pass the waters,i will be with you.ahhhhh!GOD!you're moving so fast it scares me sometimes that,am i ready for this?but the fact that ur even nudging me closer and closer,revealing so much more to me as i turn my face heart and life back to you..this is the best deal ever Lord.and yeah,i wanna be EMPOWERED!help me to continue being a blessing to Zwing Lord..that you'll use BOTH of us mightily in YOUR NAME!i just wanna pray for both of us..especially for her,that she'll be impacted powerfully tonight and the rest of her days as she walks with you,and that she'll NEVER LET GO Lord.NEVER LEAN AWAY from that wall of faith we each scale everyday.GOD YOU ARE OUR BELAYER and our trust is IN YOU always and forever.God!!! thank you thank you.you really just fell upon us tonight and i can't say iv ever been so shocked over the phone.God you really rock you know?fill us Lord.just fill me,fill her..fill us all with the radical passion for the Lord through the Holy Spirit that dwells in us and the love of God that flows like an abundant spring.oh God i want to be used by you!i want to be a blessing to others.i want to see my friends coming to you and being moved by the spiritual earthquake you're sending down Lord!!oh God just rain down upon this land that's dried out..devoid of the fulfillment and richness of God's grace.may the Christians who are lazing in the lowlands rise up and start moving for the Lord..for the nation!God build up a holy people..an army that bursts forth in the foreign land.Father if you're calling me out there in any way..to VJ..calling me out and sending me forth..Father im gona be so strong and courageous..even though it's so scary and so taxing and ...so unknown..God im gona stand up for my faith..and im gona finally start putting my big mouth to some good use.i pray for supernatural intercession from you my Father in Heaven!!this is all SO BIG to me,but you know what God,YOU'RE BIGGER.im gona trust that you know what you're doing (duh)..so let me just fall back into the arms of God,to lean and rest in the presence of God..and every step i take i take in You.(:(:(:God i love YOU.and i love zwing!thank you for her Lord.thank you for your plan for me and her and even kk.thank you for your AWESOMENESS.keep using us Lord..keep using us and sending us forth.God,speak for you servant IS LISTENING.forgive me for the times my soul is restless and distracted and cannot hear a word you're trying to say.forgive me for ever trying to replace your importance with my importance.God give me wisdom that comes straight from the mouth of God,let me never play God.i am Yours forever,your child and your friend(:let me glorify your name for as long as i shall live!pull me deeper into You.

in Jesus name i PRAY AMEN!(:

when God ran

2006-08-12T01:46:00.000+08:00

planetshakers concert was a great spiritual earthquake,if u ask me.man im like so tired now but if i don't blog tonight i don't think im ever gona get down to doing so.

today was another failure of a mugging resolution.i woke up early,joined royce steph and swan in waiting for rachel orlick and mel to arrive at the gates of VJ before proceeding an hour late to the beach.after which we spent quite some time wondering where to sit and having that very sweet birthday session for swan.happy birthday swan! and yeah,for more details on that part of the day,check out the class blog..which is in my linkes.all our duno wat..80 pics or sth are there.

kianboon joined us at parkway for lunch after that,then we went arnd trying clothes and drinking iceblend..well and finally landed up back at daryl's house where me and kianboon played winning 11 for quite sometime before i realized i was late to meet zwing for the planetshakers thing.everybody left tgt and i took a bus with kianboon again to bedok,where i was like rushing like crazy to get to expo.

zwing was late anyway.wells.tonight was a good night man.spiritual earthquake,really.that's all i can afford to say.too much!

well,iv got some stuff to say to God before i go and catch those ZZzzzZs.

dear God...WOW.you really made tonight a night of spiritual encounter man.i mean,it's the same as last year.as i emerge from the doldrums of spiritual low and wander my way back to the cross,the planetshakers again have stepped in and reminded me of how planetshaking ur whole movement on earth is Lord.and i wanna be part of that!not only that Lord.i really got what u were trying to say to me regarding all my sadness and distance from you.how i really am the prodigal child..taking all ur blessing and running far away from you to spend it all laughing and having mad fun..pulling away from the protective wings of the Almighty and venturing out into a seemingly harmless world.but God,i made up my mind that i wanna turn back to you.i can try all other method to make up that emptiness..think i know everyth but nv knowing anyth at all in the end.being void.but God,this really is the God-shaped hole YOU need to fill,and nth i can do will ever satisfy my hunger.it's a hunger and thirst..a burning desire to be filled with YOU Lord.stir it up in me!!(: yeah God,and i cldn help feeling so ashamed of myself when i closed my eyes and..whilst i was running back to you..you were already watching and waiting for me to return and like the Father of the prodigal son,ran faster and caught me in your embrace.just..caught me and i knew that i was back where i always belonged.and you still loved me so much..you wanted me back even though no one in the world could ever do so if they knew the unfaithfulness of my heart.oh God please forgive me,teach me to love you more more more! don't let me go anymore Lord.im not gonna let you go either.im back with you Lord.im back.and you're holding me so tight,letting me know everyth's in your arms..my whole life..Lord i don't wanna hold anyth back from you.you take all of ME Lord.all you've given me..my life..it's yours.and without you in my life..il never be complete.Lord if ur not my life,i don't know what i am.and this isn about religion is it?it's about Jesus.religion can't fulfill me.but relationship with Christ can.and i want this relationship to be more mindblowing than i can ever imagine,more life-bound than i could ever be commited to.wow.Lord,the things you could do with me.you're just holding me in your arms,never letting me go..and i know watever happens.this is your purpose for me Lord.right now i really wanna seek your calling for me.are you calling for a ministry shift?are you moving me from church into the marketplace,school?Lord if you have a bigger plan for me,please lay it out before me and walk with me through it.reveal these plans to me Father,so that i may be used by you for you in your time.oh God let me reach out to those who earnestly seek you.who long to fill the Godshaped hole and experience the power of the Holy Spirit in their lives too.God you continue to mould me and make me.bring me closer to You..that i may know you and worship you in spirit and in truth all the days of my life.i love you Lord.i love you as much as my body spirit and soul can manage to.thank you for running to me and snatching me back,forgiving my ungratefulness and restoring my strength in your awesome power.empower me oh God!!(:

in JESUS NAME I PRAY,
AMEN.

to my Father

2006-08-10T21:02:00.001+08:00

as i walk the earth,i find an increasing unhappiness.and exponential decline in the satisfaction life's pleasures can bring.the more fun i seek to fulfill my life the less joy i find remaining within my heart where Jesus lives.the more i fall away from God the further i sink into the world and it's storm of distractions,deceit and disillusion.for far too long have i neglected focussing my eyes on God.for far too long i have looked at my bible and said,tomorrow's just another day.and the more i resist turning myself back to God the more human i become.the bigger the flesh lion.

...dear God.im tired,im weary..im dying of hunger,but mostly im dying of thirst.i cannot live without you any longer Lord..i cannot survive in this desert..this world that is devoid of your nourishing power as it rejects your love and turns towards the devil.and Lord if i am falling away from you,who else am i falling into but the devil's clutches Lord..who else is there prowling like a roaring lion, waiting to steal kill and destroy me as i step out of your protective hold?that night at FOP father,i closed my eyes and wondered how i cld ever worship you in the state i was in,the state that was empty,dry and of the world..the world you love but the world whose sin you detest.and the more i let myself enter this world..and the more i allow myself to be a part of it and apart from you..the more you cannot reach me Lord,the larger the barrier i put up that prevents me from experiencing your blessing.oh God but i know you love me.and i know that you will save me if i cry out for your help..because i want back Lord.i want back.i don't want to linger without purpose and belief on this lonely planet any longer..a desert where im dying to drink..yet i deny myself that drink.i miss the Bible..i miss being able to just dwell in your presence and be saturated with your love,your peace and your joy.your immense joy Lord.i long to be back where you are.to just soar with you,to be given strength,to trust in you and walk with you.all the days of my life.and right now i find myself limiting myself to mere happiness i find in friends,having a certain form of godliness but denying its power.iv traded my joy for happiness in these days Lord.iv demanded my share of blessing like a prodigal child,gone out far away from you and squandored all that blessing of good friends,laughter and pleasure.yet at the end of all this im only more empty than ever,out of control and totally screwing up everytime i make an attempt to coax myself back to the steering wheel.i keep crashing and wrecking my life,keep convincing myself iv found the key but nv finding my way back to where i need to go..which is you.i know i need you Lord.but i act as if i don't.im lonely,unfulfilled and unhappy.i find no joy in relationships.i get angry fast,and angrier faster.and that's because my most important relationship,with you,is not exactly very right right now.and God i really want to correct that error.i don't want to grow into the world and its sin.i want to grow seperate from the world and a part of your grace and glory.to live for you and to experience the purpose driven life.im tired of floating aimlessly day by day.i don't want to keep on searching for life's methods of living for today.if i ever want to live life to the fullest Lord,it's gotta be for YOU.help me change..bring me back to you and give me another chance.forgive me for the times iv succumbed to sin and uphold self-righteousness.for acting as if there's no God..im but a fool for that Lord.one major idol i have Lord,is my life.now i live to fulfill my own life.i live in the best ways i know how so that i can be satisfied with my life.im not just looking for a good life Lord.im looking for a great life.and it's only drawing me further and further from the calling you have made for me.to give up all right i have and follow Jesus.and all i do is horde treasure on earth and attach myself to my life here..and all that im meant to live for,which is so much more..is forsaken.i have forsaken your call and pryed myself away from you without even realizing how harmful my seemingly harmless actions can be..isn that what you warn us about Lord?that you never know where the devil might attack..because in this world there's more right than wrong,and what's wrong has become right in the world's eyes..and when such delusionment comes in masses..the devil uses this herd mentality to fool us Christians into believing that as long as everyone..and really..practically everyone everywhere around you..is doing it..it's so harmless in our eyes now that we just jump the bandwagon thinking it's perfectly normal...oh God we don't even know what's right and wrong any more Lord.the devil has erased those lines and it's even harder now to discern right from wrong..it's a great evil.and God i don't want to be a part of any of this.i have..and im ashamed of having not picked up the warning sensory signals of the Holy Spirit because i was too deafened by the cacophony of the world's music to hear you telling me that im inching that toe out from your protective umbrella..thinking it's okay even if i get a little wet from the essence of the world..that it won't hurt me.but it is a powerful evil Lord that sweeps this place.and it has lured me out in its harmless form as everyone's laughing and having a good clean time..evil has taken a clean form that is so easy to not see through.and im sorry for having even compromised my faith one bit Lord.just one tiny bit and i was almost lost forever into the crashing sea of sin and spiritual filth.i took my eyes off you Lord.i took my eyes off you and i started sinking.and now im scared Lord.but i have faith in you and i just want to let you know..that i want to come back.please save me Lord.save my soul.and may i grow closer to you..fill me with your Holy Spirit.grant me a generous portion of the Spirit's conscience.that i may be able to detect the wrong that has been disguised as right.that i may no longer walk unknowing in a land that is boobytrapped with pitfalls that the devil lays out without the covering of the Holy Spirit and the blood of Jesus Christ.God...please saturate me.and may i always worship you in spirit and in truth.let me not serve any one else but God.that i will have no other gods before you.You are my God,Lord.i want to live for you alone.

in Jesus' name i pray,Amen.
Love,Joanne.

why? because I love you

2006-07-29T00:05:00.000+08:00

the title is going to be entirely out of point by the time I finish this.hey i capitalized my I!(: weird.at any rate,my short but fulfilling conversation with daryl gan,j2 cosiety boy made me think in the little corner of my brain (whilst struggling with the other section to focus on my lit AND talk on MSN).

it's about how vulnerable ppl are really.we were just talking randomly about how friendster is good for finding old friends,and i mentioned yeah if you want shocks abt how some ppl have gotten over the past few years.and then i mentioned sth about how joel chia acquired hotness,and after that daryl commented that ppl never really do change actually,along with their looks.and i said sth that made me doubleover with amazement that im not that stupid.i replied to his remark that it was when you recognized how similar these changed beings are to who they were years before do you then understand how vulnerable they really are.you see past all their exteriors build them up to be and even a passing glance in their eyes can tell you a load of story behind it all.and it leaves them looking small,scared and as confused as you are in the big big world.the big fishes in the small ponds start resembling small fishes in a big ocean when you look carefully and care to peek what lies beneath their polished outershells.i think what made me think of that in particular was the passing thought i had recently about how im beginning to see world-weariness in joel.i don't know,i don't even care about him much because we virtually don't know each other.but when i think abt him 7 years ago and i remember all he was then now,he becomes a kid before my eyes again and i see human fraility in him.this is a completely unfounded hypothesis,and not important either.i bet if someone foreign read this they'll think i like joel.stop being so uncreative.

and then again steph let me read charles' blog.i cannot give 2 hoots abt charles honestly,and charles if u ever read this and choose to hate me for the rest of ur life,im not trying to deface ur precious name or sth.it's not.listen to wat i have to say,if u find it of any importance.if u dun,too bad.yeah so i don't know why but steph mentioned charles and his blog today at cartel so i decided to have a looksee.expertly (expert at flipping quickly thru words thanks to great ex and great gatsby) reading all his viewable entries in about a minute,i stopped disliking charles for that one minute and started trying to see the guy who sits at his computer typing away at these entries.i put aside all bias,and felt his personality just flow through me.and it was rather moving.i think iv gone into some psychotic mode now,but on the other hand it was a serious moment for me.i actually let myself feel a bit of what charles had to share of himself in his blog.and it was like this minute of normal,not that egoistic boy.a real person,with real worth and human quality.that's what i call inner beauty man.even if charles doesn have a lot, or at least i haven found alot yet,watever he let go off of his inner self made me sit up and take notice that so many ppl drift through life surreal and unaffected,only to miss the very essence of the ppl they come into contact with.

and ppl like steph and me and possibly a lot more angsty teenagers spend their lives worrying about getting married and what NOT,i was watching an advertisement just now on channel 8 and it was about mentally disabled ppl.i mean seriously,the thought by the end of it was..this is it.we have to stop doing this.wat we worry about in our lives NOW have no substance in contrast to the vast majority of the world's burdens!these ppl will probably never get a chance to be with someone,to fall in love,to look fantastic and be loved for looking fantastic.what the hell,they don't get a chance to be what we all want to be secretly --stars in our own place.and what are we doing complaining and lamenting about being ugly or fat or simply inadequate in juxtaposition to the world? i don't know.i seriously don't know.we need to start looking at the essence of ppl,who they truly are inside,and stop putting up the worldy barrier of judging someone based on looks,even yourself.i tend to dislike good looking ppl for their major attitude problems.and i also tend to hold up that goody-2-shoes opinion that sometimes the not that good looking ppl are the best hearted.it's not fair to anyone then.even goodlooking ppl have hearts,have souls and some have God.many have consciences.many are just people,just kids,just as scared in a big world as i am,you are.we have to start feeling ppl from the inside out.not the outside in.

we've overlooked so many fellow brothers and sisters as we walk through life blindly.we make up our minds too fast,and change them too slow.we are bothered by the physical,but are too easily contented with what we presume is the mental,psychological and spiritual.we never give others,and sometimes even ourselves, a second chance.in bid to attain friendship and immediate happiness in our relationships,we forget to stop sitting comfortably with the ppl we call our friends laughing our lungs out,and instead fully immersing ourselves in the precious density of who they really are.

my friends,you probably want to know why i even bother thinking about you so deeply these days.why? because I love you.

looks like i haven't gone too out of point,really.

things unsaid

2006-07-16T01:13:00.000+08:00

was i disillusioned
were my eyes closed
as i reached out for you
thought you had your arms outstretched
took strength from you
fell into you

was i frightened
was my heart beating too fast
as i held you so closely
unwilling to let you run away from me
cried upon your shoulder
shut my eyes

was i deafened
were my hands to my ears
as i listened to you cooing
thinking you were telling me you loved me
gave you my precious heart
i loved you

was i foolish
was my head taken as well
as i realized my heart was gone
and tried desperately to make you give it back
you didn't know you had it
i didn't dare to tell

am i lost forever
am i able to leave you behind
as i choose silence over truth
so you will walk beside me as far as you can
before she comes
and i go

2006-07-02T00:28:00.001+08:00

pour mon ange

2006-07-01T03:27:00.000+08:00

how can i be nothing
that when i whisper your name
you cannot hear me
even when you're miles away
when i speak about you
only they can appreciate it
and when i pray for you
God knows but you don't
am i mere presence
a wind stirred by my passing
a kiss of sunshine upon your face
dropping like rain from the sky
falling down your cheek
a smear of water beads together
that when i laugh you hear music
faint and far away, imagined
because i hide myself away
hoping you won't find me
unless you looked for me
if you never realize i was gone
you'd never realize i was here
waiting, wondering
perhaps that look you held
when my eyes passed yours
meant that you saw me for a bit
before you turned away unflinching
because you heard some music in the wind.

2006-06-18T21:35:00.002+08:00

my favourite.me and rach(:

2006-06-18T21:35:00.001+08:00

omg.the ahlian shot.rach meng and yong the pro

2006-06-18T21:35:00.000+08:00

chin and i!

2006-06-18T21:34:00.001+08:00

mark,meng,rach and me

2006-06-18T21:34:00.000+08:00

mark,meng,rach,me and yong

beautiful in God's eyes,i want GOD'S EYES.

2006-06-17T20:40:00.000+08:00

mugging season is full blown,though i have to admit im barely caught in it.im finding myself with pockets of wasted time in my day.and sometimes these pockets grow huge.

things have been on my mind.im really questioning myself..my worth..my blessings.my God.

i really wanna make a difference.a change in my life.a God-made change.i think i really have to start focussing MORE on work tho.i have to say im not totally going bonkers over my work..which i should be.this week has been rather questionable.i see God's work.yet i also see my procrastination,my laziness in my work because iv been too caught up worrying.i guess i sld have just let God do his thing and also be more hardworking.im pretty guilty for the nights and mornings wasted doing practically nothing.such a SHAME.

but actually there are more things that shame me.especially myself.as in,im ashamed of the person i am,the qualities i withhold.the hurt iv brought to my friends because of my unwillingness to change..

the camp was an eye-opener to surrender.i don't think il ever forget the lessons taught.the messages given,the hands-on experience i had to deal with.......

and i begin to wonder,who have i hurt? who have i neglected,ignored..walked over? or simply not listened to?

there isn much time to do proper brooding over this..but i guess iv been really questioning the effect of God in life.as in,im the problem here.am i really doing what Jesus wld do?am i living a life worthy of Christ?

or am i just spouting empty promises,meaningless declarations of love? love,of the world,or of God?

to anyone out there that iv never really shown real care in ACTION,im sorry,but id really like to make a change to that.

yesterday i prayed for God to give me one more chance to somehow sort things out with meng.i didn't know what i wanted to say to him,but it just felt that we had so much unsaid.that i had to SAY SOMETHING and make him listen or sth.but,i never thought such a fervent prayer cld take such a drastic turn when i left it up to God.i prayed that God wld somehow let me talk to meng and give us a proper closure.or rather,the Thing a proper closure,not that i knew what i was to say or do.i actually trusted God for once.i tried very hard to surrender it 100%.cos it was taking up so much of my thoughtlife..my heart space..my talk time.and i wanted to DO MY WORK and get on with life.but i couldn't.

turns out..i did get that chance.at the weirdest time of 'Tomorrow',which i prayed for the talking to happen.it happened at 2 plus in the early morning of TODAY..and i prayed so hard that i would speak the very words of God (1Peter4:11) ...and i tell ya,God's never solved a problem better.turns out i wasn to SAY much..i was to LISTEN.it was that chance God gave me to really show love in action.my first time having to care and listen to meng instead of the other way round..God's medication,really.i never expected He worked so fast and cut short all the steps.because in the midst of listening and trying hard not to give opinion..well,i found our friendship back to where we liked it..and that it was all over.

just.like.that.

you know i really have to thank my dearest friends.robyn,rachel.

but mainly robyn,as you can see from my tagboard..ah.

i love my leafy friend.God's really using her to simplify my life,a great meng alternative.not that either is good or bad,higher or lower.but i mean,i hope you get the idea robyn.i really really do appreciate everyth you've done for me.and i think about how unlovely i am,in terms of person..how unnerving i can get.but you STILL stick by me and let me lean on you even if it's 4 a.m. in the morning.this reminds me of a really good quote.about how it is the friends you can call at 4 a.m. in the morning that count.and she's definitely one of those friends.i love you baby.

and rachel,another 4 a.m. buddy.always the quiet understanding one.the one with her own opinion but keeps it from me if im ranting and let's me say whatever i want and try to integrate her opinion into mine.someone who shows quiet love,a silent acceptance for a friend and true loyalty in every aspect.and i guess i do overlook that fact,step on her toes while she lets me,nag at her and never really listen to her stories (even though they can get long-winded ;) ) but the crux of the matter,is that she allows me to be everyth she's not.she listens to me,i don't always have a heart to listen fully to her,but she still lets me talk.she tries to understand me,i only guess that i understand her too well and dismiss her issues without much thought sometimes..but she still bothers to try to solve my problems.im an ungrateful creep.but im proud of THIS COOL FRIEND OF MINE.

and the subject matter of the whole time,meng.sigh.you.i wrote a lot of things down to say to you,never got to tell you and don't think there's any need to anymore..but i just hope that through all things we have to endure,i thank you for putting so much faith in me,showing me so much mercy and forgiveness.really letting me have my way.but i think that iv really shown a lot a lot of ugliness of character to you,and i pray i haven't opened any profound wounds that take years to heal.and as i was looking through our camp photos just now and realized that ur this really happy guy stuck with this really unhappy girl,it makes me feel blessed.like,wow,God,this is an extremely odd pairing of friends.usually my best friends are like,something along my line of thinking.along my line of erratic behaviour.but suddenly you come along and like,knock me over and change the many many things iv come to believe.the truth,the lies,the disillusions,the prejudices.no guy has ever come close to challenging me as a person with my stubborn (VERY STUBBORN,right?) mindsets and causing me to challenge myself,my walk with God even!ur lucky number one!if there's anyth God wants us to get out of this relationship,it's definitely life-changing.and i want to be a good friend,something you have been but i clearly haven't.last night,or rather,this morning's session is just the beginning of the next stage of being buddies in Christ! or the end really,the end of the Thing.

"What we call the beginning is often the end, and to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we should start from."

T.S. Eliot, The Four Quartets

a little bit of nothingness

2006-06-15T01:06:00.000+08:00

who am i
that in my world i stand the tallest
and in my eyes
you are but dust floating in the wind

who am i
that you become a part of me
not i of you
because i am too great

who am i
that i can dismiss you like a fly
walk over you as i would dirt
speak to you as if you're but a child

who am i
that what i say exceeds all depth
while i pretend to listen intently to you
yet to me your words show weakness

who am i
that i may judge you cruelly
put you down when you try to lift me up
ignore your gentle hand with a slap across your cheek

who am i
that i deserve such forgiveness
when i can even challenge silence
dare it not answer me?

who am i

does the sun rise and bow to me?
do people turn and look up to me?
no! i am no one
i am a fool

because
who am i?
that you still bend down and face me
spend your time sitting with me
when your life is flying by

who am i
that you still think i'm so strong
when all i am has fallen
i'm not that strong at all

who am i
that i'm still on your side
the enemy who hurt you
the girl who's no one to you

who am i,boy? who am i?
pray do tell,my friend.

-------------------------------------------

i really don't know what's going on la.i really don't.im getting very very confused and like,rather uninterested abt finding out.can i just live in oblivion?like we all so easily do?

ZHENG.ROBYN.RACHEL.

argh,nevermind.

things to learn

2006-05-27T21:41:00.000+08:00

10 things to talk to girls about

1. their day, because you'd get an earful about how dramatic it was.
note: must sound equally excited and offer a few insightful comments.the word 'few' is key,because you must not cut her story off with your own.
2. cute guys, or maybe both cute and not cute.even if you cannot possibly relate,don't ever mention cute girls.girls can talk about cute guys and you must sound interested but when guys talk about cute girls they're just being horny.girls don't do horny.face it,it's the injustice of life.
3. your problems, girls love your problems.it makes them feel responsible for you and this promotes emotions of care and concern.which will rate how much a girl likes you too.if she likes you a lot,she'd put herself in your shoes and try to solve the whole thing for you.if she doesn't like you,she'll still listen cos it's sweet when guys share their burdens.
4. GOD.nothing beats talking about God and spiritual stuff,your walk with Him,your beliefs,your love for Christ.it's a very healthy topic to talk about,plus really personal but God-related issues get brought up.show the girl how serious you are about God and your relationship with Him.when your vertical relationship is good,so will your horizontal.quote..keith(:
5. her problems.seriously one of the nicest things a guy could do is to offer an ear when a girl needs to talk.regardless of time,length of conversation..your own state of mind (jammed,dead,incompetent to listen..etc).all that matters is that you put your heart into listening to her.be sad when she's sad,give sensitive and well-thought advice.inspire her,and most importantly believe in her ability to handle the situation.you don't have to do anything else.
6. her family! her life! or anything about her.like stuff she likes to do,her ideals.seriously anything.it makes anyone feel special and cared for.like,you actually want to know! well,seek and you shall find.you also get to know so much more about her in the process.can add in a bit about yourself,but only if she wants to know and is not too self-absorbed.
7. continue past conversation topics.follow-up lets her know you were thinking about what she's said before,remember the things she talked about..check up on how she's doing in relation to the stuff she went through previously.this shows how seriously you take her and whatever comes with her.and she'll keep you logged in to the 'people to update' list.if that's what you want,it means she'll talk to you more.
8. funny things she's done before.stuff you've seen her do that amused you,tickled you or maybe they din do anyth for you but did for everyone else.tell a girl how amusing you find her.it's a sign of affection to the girl.note that the line between funnily amusing and annoyingly idiotic is very thin.MUST be entirely honest.if you guess she was really embarrassed about it,don't make her mad bringing it up again.cos she'll have to explain herself,and that's way awkward.
9. stories from your school to entertain her.or perhaps ANYTHING that you anticipate would entertain her.keep track of stuff she finds funny,unless she finds like everything funny to a certain extent.this is a cue taken from meng: if she finds your quirky habits (like saying mm-hmm,okay,i dunno...etc) funny,accentuate them.don't be afraid to lose face and sound really stupid.girls appreciate daring.point out her quirky habits too (like how i like to say 'yeah right' a whole lot) so we can all just laugh at each other.
10. how much you appreciate her.so so important.don't over do it.but once in a while be honest with her and tell her how much she means to you.only if she means anything at all,otherwise i think she'd rather not know how irritating you find her or something.don't be afraid to bare your soul if she really means a lot to you.but make fully sure that she isn't playing with your feelings first.if she tells you randomly she appreciates you,give it back in your own words.be very very honest.she can tell.and she'll love you for it.

10 things not to talk to girls about

1. already mentioned,don't talk about hot girls.in moderation will do to show you're normal.but please don't go into detail about how her only flaw are her ears that stick out. (pokes meng)
2. sensitive issues like her obvious flaws.unless she cues you to talk about them,as in her problems..then you must listen but offer minimal personal opinion.if you're insensitive to her sensitive issues,good luck to you.
3. one thing not to say to a girl,would be to not say anything at all.that sucks.girls call you to talk,not appreciate how deep thinking and THUS silent you are.
4. about how irresponsible you are.taking a cue from steph here.don't show how terrible you are,how ungentlemanly you can be (pokes zheng) and all your weird chauvinistic ideas against girls.don't be anti-girl in front of girls (JABS zheng) even if you're not THAT anti-girl.
5. about how her character..her this or that is weak..how she is not as good as other girls.basically don't compare her with your mum,your sister,your other girl friends..don't.girls have egos too (i don't think im like the only one la,please) so don't attempt to crush them.it's not nice.
6. don't insult her friends.even worse her family.this one is self-explainatory..did i spell that right? explanatory....?
7. about your own gross bodily defects.like groin aches,groin abrasions,athlete's foot...the works.the gross guy things that girls would loath to hear about.it's disgusting.anything disgusting does not go.unless the girl is rachel ho,and thus she loves talking about gross bodily defects.like puffy eyelids.oh,and lewd things are understandably a NO NO.
8. ANNOYING THINGS.this is SO from daniel (zheng's danny darling).like short one-liners that don't mean a thing and END there and then that there's no room for any more conversations.stuff like 'haha' and 'uh hmm' and 'i see' are SO not good conversation fillers.seriously.daniel,im damn annoyed at that.BOO to you.
9. about weird rumours about her (or her friends) that are obviously not true.like,the thing you heard about her and some other entirely weird guy.no WAY.if she's like already damn annoyed by other people about it..don't push the button again and cause her to be so pissed at you that she hangs up,blocks you,slaps you (haha esmond) and yeah.don't.she won't forget.neither will she let you forget.
10. how you're really bored with the conversation..how're ur not interested (even signs of it are bad enough) or how you simply can't be bothered to reply her properly.even if you don't mean it but your responses (or lack of them) show it..well it's reflects very badly on how gentlemanly you are.and if you're already not gentlemanly this is probably the end of your friendship.she won't call you again.unless that's what you want,it's not a good thing.

10 things to do to/for/with the girl you like

1. get on the same bus as her.send her home.or just find some reason to spend those precious otherwise boring minutes with her alone,where talking is the only thing to do.OR if you have a car,offer her a lift home.as ryan cabrera says it,anything to be with you.
2. draw something for her.write her a song.a poem.a letter.girls appreciate little self-made gifts more than anything money can buy.because guys hardly do such things..the fact that you bothered to spend brains and time on such a thing..is so touching.anything that requires effort is worth commending when done.especially from a lazy guy.
3. if she's busy,offer to help her.don't be shy to help out with whatever she's up to.actually all guys should do that.sam chin's like damn good at being a gentleman and offering a hand whenever he can.when she's freaking out and looks all flustered with things to do,a gentle offer of help or maybe just support can brighten up the day.she won't forget your kindness.
4. don't just stand there when she's standing around.go up to her and just say hi.most girls are good conversationalists so saying hi is sufficient to get the engine running and you don't have to worry about what to say actually.just don't look so nervous,like you're on the verge of having a heart attack.then she won't be nervous either and things will go smoothly.
5. if you see her walking down towards you in the opposite direction..you must never ignore her or look at your feet or somewhere else.not even if your heart is beating so fast and you don't dare to look at her.she'll take offence (if you know each other) and take it that you're too proud/arrogant/ego to say hello or something.
6. open doors.pick up things she drops.carry her bag when she needs to use the toilet.lend her your handphone when she needs it.do what she tells you too, if it's reasonable.do these all voluntarily.remember your manners.be as charming as possible throughout.something like being a doorman,bell boy..personal butler..yeah.
7. take pictures with her if she likes taking pictures.sing a song for her if she likes singing songs.pray with her,for her.get along with her parents and siblings.be on her side,yet hold your own opinion.give in to her,yet remain the man.it's all about letting her have her way,your way.
8. i guess it is alright to tease her a bit,prank her a little.in the good natured fun boys all enjoy.apparently the more they annoy you the more they like you.so,annoy her without malice.let her know after that that you still find her entirely adorable,maybe even more when she's annoyed.then drop the whole issue and move on before it turns from teasing to scorn.
9. message her.just to let her know you're still there and are thinking about her.message her little details about your day,how you're feeling.keep her in sync with your life if you like her that much.it makes her feel involved and this helps to build your friendship up, when you both know what's going on on each side.
10. call her.spend time with her.nothing beats companionship.and in all you do,be honest,forthcoming and true to yourself.if you want to talk to her,talk to her.if you want to tell her something,say it.i guess it boils down to following your own instinct.and entrusting your lives into God's hands.(:

love free flow

2006-05-24T22:30:00.000+08:00

i need to get it out of my system! my tiny little heart is going to break down from overload of joy soon.(: i shall write an ode to the most beautiful closure of a long term suffering.

let me remember how it started
one cold cold night,and i sat under her blanket
shivering and writing
wondering what to talk to her about
she stood at the mirror combing her hair
preening
looking pretty
i had to say something to break the silence
so i asked her where her heart lay
did it lie with him?
she turned and looked at me and said
horror on her face
no
of course it doesn't
and then she told me this awful truth
so shocking it made me laugh
no way i said
don't tell a soul she said
and from then on i held her secret
talk we did about him whenever we walked together
sat together
waited for the bus together
talk and talk
i asked a lot, so what now?
and she'd shrug her bony shoulders and say
i don't know, there's nothing to do
nothing i do would make him look at me
nothing i say would make him like me
let's forget this, leave it be
all i could do was watch this innocent love let die
so i promised myself i would change her world
i tried
for months i plotted and schemed
spoke to him, mentioned her name
once or twice i got it in but he seemed to not care
not look at her
not like her
and for months this dragged on
my nudging and consoling
suggesting
and hoping
nothing
many times i wondered why i did this
was this for her?
was this for him?
and then they got the wrong idea
thought i was up to something for myself
drilled it into me, agonizing my cause
until i grew confused and almost believed them
perhaps there's something wrong with me
but i loved her as my own sister
i believed i could change her world if i tried
endured the pain a little longer
sacrificed a little more
although there were times i felt helpless
hopeless
hope floats
one day i sat again with her and she sighed
that silly sigh
ignorant fools we were
for when i asked her to be his friend
it was the best question i'd ever asked
she picked up Courage
dropped off Fear
and marched ahead to meet him
and in the week that flew by us
he became her friend and her Hope grew
but he'll never like me she'd say
shut up, you don't know a thing i'd reply
not that i knew anything however (:
a few nights later i provoked the two
a chain reaction sparked
truth revealed
his truth revealed
and we all hereby witnessed,
the ultimate love story of all.

he<3her
till death do them part.

looking back on the things we've done

2006-05-23T23:30:00.000+08:00

rach calls it the ultimate love story.

it's better than walk to remember.it's better than titanic.it beats any cinderella story.she's any time better than hillary duff.he...well let's say on par with chad michael murray(:

now let me show you the shape of their hearts.

23rd May 2006, who will ever forget?

inexplicable things

2006-05-20T01:42:00.000+08:00

how can it be that the things that are deemed to matter the most matter the least? and how is it possible that there are things no words can paint,no mind but their person's can conceive?

it seems that there are certain situations where what is right to someone can feel so wrong,yet be right again in relation to another.situations when the heart should not be breaking yet already lies broken,times when even the closest of hearts cannot possibly fathom the complications that have arisen in the heart of an innocent being he loves as his sister.her pain he can listen to,but her pain he cannot agree with or feel -- the pain that cannot be comprehended.

or the happiness one can wish to another,even when the heart has been squeezed to drought of any source of happiness.this too the happy soul can thrive on,but it is this very wish of happiness that kills the wisher further.a brutal stab to a heart long dead,long denied the blood of love which keeps it full.

this suffering only the wearer of the soul can suffer,this helplessness only the keeper of the mind can smother in.when a beautiful smile hides the rotten emotions that dwell beneath,a twinkling eye that shies away from knowing gazes that know the twinkle is but a tear.

the mind moves along from one thought to another.a running film of imagination and illusion,faded memories and exposed weaknesses.a life of shame concealed within a head,a head that is lifted high to oppose a life so low.it is this mind that knows what is to be done,yet it is also this mind that poses barrier to the intuitions of the heart.the mind hears the right things being done and rejoices,the selfish heart rebukes such folly and makes its person stupid with false hope.

the heart is supposed to be of the mind,yet in crises it cannot be controlled.in the wise eyes of the girl she has already lost the battle,but in her bitter heart she has yet to lose the war.one part of her retreats to mend in sorrow,the other remains to be dealt the final blow.

there may be no more wind above the ocean..but the butterfly has yet to die.the wind is hers to float in,the wind is hers to kiss.the wind has flown away from the grasp of the waves below,the waters which now hesitate to pull it back into their desperate arms.

you are like water,sometimes like the wind;the more i try to hold onto,the less i get.

meng's house

2006-05-18T23:27:00.000+08:00

today was blessed by God.GOD GOD GOD!(:was so high listening to planetshakers songs yest.became sooo happy.i thank GOD for being there for me when i most need it,for answering my questions..for just showing his awesome power in my life..(: thanks God.

well today there was supposed to be 2.4 napha run for me,which i ended up not taking cos they wanted us to take 5 items all together.so,it went pretty well!(: confirm silver alr.all i need to do is to pass 2.4(:

aft that there were 2 matches on..rach and ryl were at CCAB supporting soccer..which started at 3!!! so by the time i set off it was 4 sth.i obviously missed the match,VJ won duh.but in the end i din even GET to CCAB cos i called rach and rach told me to get off 48 cos she din noe 48 goes straight to CCAB.i ended up stranded with no more ez link money..no more coins..and SCGS.so i went in,collected my cert..went to find MS GOH!!!(:then rach came over and we caught up with ms goh.

okay my comp is SO jamming cos im ripping the planetshakers cd in.

thennn at abt 6,i suggested that since we were at the bukit timah area,why not go to meng's house?

so we did! nice house u got there meng.can be featured on SUPERHOMES! hahaha(:super hooomeeeenggggg

my comp is jamming.more abt great day tmr.(:

butterflies and the boy

2006-05-14T14:32:00.000+08:00

basically,i hope my life is changing for the better.just the other day i was praying for God to send me someone to help me out with my little messed up and sad life,and last night i kinda ended up talking to meng abt my life issues and it was a fantastic breath of air.

to think it started off with him saying sth wrong and me getting very hurt and angry and blocking him.then while i got rach to tell him to make a good apology,he went to stuff his face with noodles and i got even more pissed.so i just went offline,listened to emo song konstantine sent by zwing.sent meng a 'do u haf anyth to say' msg then i went to the toilet,thot abt how this was a little unbearable and decided to just call him.considering i took an hour to get down to doing so and thinking he was probably happily sleeping and unaffected..i hoped to awaken him and blast an explanation out of him.

the story goes that he was in the process of thinking what to reply me and did pick up on almost first ring.he as usual cld not really get anyth he really wanted to say out cos his brain kept breaking down half way.so he was like saying 'actually i feel that you know ..i dunno' (sth along those anticlimax lines) and he thot i had been crying so he was quite scared and din noe wat to say.i had not been crying.

and yeah so we talked things out,despite his brainlag,brainspoil and braindying state.said a lot of things that enlightened me and touched me.he seriously is really wise for a guy (a very nice asshole!!hahaha) and typo'd verbally (negativity is ur greatest barrel...burial.....BARRIER).made me sigh,made me cry and made me laugh again.iv never revealed such innermost thoughts b4 to anyone that deeply and heartfelt.did complain once to tinsley..but this morning's (3a.m.) talk was probably the deepest iv ever gone with anyone abt my most vulnerable side.

meng thinks i cut myself.HAHA.the joke abt cutting ourselves once we hung up was a good one man! hahaha.he was saying to think of butterflies (which i bet means think of you right) whenever i got sad and to just keep running on.so when i woke up this morning thanks to the 9 30 alarm i set for zheng's xbox controllers' sake..i thought things thru again.and suddenly decided to go for a run.meng was in spirit all the way.(:

so i thought of pale purple,pink and faint green butterflies and kept running.

now,i found the butterfly song by mariah carey.used to like it quite a lot.but now that i look at the lyrics do i realize that i was telling rachel after that meng-getting-a-girlfriend episode that i felt that he was just this butterfly i was keeping in a glass jar,and one day id have to set him free.and this totally coincides with his butterfly thing yesterday,just that it din occur to me how both ends met and he actually made a lot of sense saying to think of butterflies and him or sth.gosh,we're good.

When you love someone so deeply
They become your life
It's easy to succumb to overwhelming fears inside
Blindly I imagined I could
Keep you under glass
Now I understand to hold you
I must open up my hands
And watch you rise
Spread your wings and prepare to fly
For you to become a butterfly
Fly abandonedly into the sun
If you should return to me
We truly were meant to be
So spread your wings and fly
Butterfly
-Mariah Carey
how rather apt it all is,really.

3 poems and a goodbye

2006-05-11T23:34:00.000+08:00

Dramatic ironies:

you are like water
the more i try to hold onto
the less i get

you are a hole in my heart
the more i try to take from you
the more empty i am

you are oxygen in the air
just one breath taken
and it's never enough

yet you are another's
i can touch you
feel you
breathe you

drown in you
steal you
desperately need you

but i can't have you.

Wishful thinks:

there you are
catching my gaze
not letting me off easily
there you go again
frightening me out of my wits
stealing words from me
there you stand
waiting for me to say something
but you aren't giving me a clue of what to say
there you walk
suddenly not hurrying away from me
did you want me to stop you?
there you sit crying
or at least I would have
if I loved a girl whom I thought didn't love me.

Waking dreams:

All There Is by Rachel Ho

Moments
All I own
Do they really matter?

No.
Holding on
To that line
Intense towards my side
Everywhere
But you.

Yes it matters.

Goodbye,off you go.

to my best friend

2006-05-08T18:29:00.000+08:00

losing you
could very well be
losing my definition
the smile across my face

the sun in the sky
that darkens when the
signs of a dark age
closes in upon the world

you are
the littlest fibre in my being
pulling this thread
would cause the carpet to crumble

to pieces
i might remain for a long long time
a wandering soul in the desert
looking for that oasis i need

i need you meng.
many things i've said
many times i've just closed my eyes
and wonder how i got on without you

i know i can
but i don't want to yet
the most wonderful platonic thing
that has ever happened to me

bring me back to Victorian times
where i can lie back with
friendship love
no notion of bloody romance

the things you do for me
the nights you stayed up to talk
times i failed to tell you
you're still the best boy

but i always say what i like
ignore you and walk over you
that when i tell the truth
you have already left

the truth is
i call you darling not to be vain
but because you've warmed my tiny heart
incapable of loving you more

so

tell her you love her
and i will love her as you do
but please don't leave me yet
i think i still need you here.

love,jonk.

MENG ROCKS

2006-05-07T02:28:00.000+08:00

i love meng like anything la. my typo-king best guy friend ever. (:

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
hahaha i always tell my good fren steph that having u as a friend rocks more than her and her guy friends

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
then she agrees cos her guy friends all a lot of prob one

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
hahaha i finally met one who gives me no prob at all

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
no bad language

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
no bad attitude

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
no immature problems

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
no weird love problems

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
no warped ideas

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
can be sensitive to me

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
does not flirt with me

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
wah fantastic la

Life is easy when there are directions:
ya but
one with many speeling errors

Life is easy when there are
directions:
selling8

joanneeeee;and you can label me crazy:
it makes u the most special boy possibly that iv ever met

im cooler than a cheeseburger at war

2006-05-04T17:42:00.000+08:00

i can't get over that retarded message from daryl/orlick.anyhow's he actually came in FIRST for the run today.

ever since my birthday started,or perhaps before it even started,something tells me iv never had such a great birthday WEEK b4.like honest,from the surprise massive birthday party on sunday with all my LOVED PEOPLE,up till today..(which MAY be because after the sunday incident people keep mixing up my birthday date...everyday i get wished or sth) yeah,iv never felt SO so So sO loved (: ah,swoon.

anyhows yes.but when my real birthday TODAY (okay!! it's TODAY) came at 12 plus last night,i had not only kinda forgotten all about it (and remembered claudia's birthday..which was yesterday,instead), also was spending half of my night (before i slept) crying about today's stupid napha run which i din even take in the end because i had the worse case of cramps ever.possibly because of all the laughing a14 never fails to bring me.cldn even eat lunch la wanted to puke.whatever,im quite happy i din run,altho my old class s56 showed up (not all..) to run with me!! the thought that counts.so absolutely sweet right.got a card from both classes.

they'll run with me next time.

i think iv had the best birthday ever.

first willis wished me.. HAPPY BIRTHDAY WILLIS!!!!!! our birthday DAY rocks la.

okay so it starts with last night with me whining away online about how terrible tomorrow will be..being all EMO again,which led to steph and ryl and rowe and trinette and ZWING comforting me like mad..and zheng accusing me of being emo and not comforting me...and yeah so i was planning on having a really bad next day.birthday.whatever.

but after a while steph was nice enough to get my mind off things by making me explore her nat's blog..and after that i decided to blog hop abit,got onto kenneth kang's blog..and ended up at the infamous colin and kero blog.oh my gosh.im not going to link them,but.seriously.some serious weird stuff in there man.so i had to show zheng of course,since he's so against such...things.

then i showed whoever i was talking to online and we all got grossed out together,esp esp zheng.mission accomplished.after that i started feeling more relaxed at about 11 sth although zwing specifically told me to go and sleep by 10 so i cld run better...but i cldn! got so relaxed i cldn get offline.cldn function with work either.so i din do a thing.cept talk to ryl and zheng till about 12.i think talking helped get my mind off things a lot.

zheng,i know ur not gona be reading this but i think you were quite funny last night and that helped a lot.thanks.the daniel thing was...*PURE INFATUATION!!!!*,NOT.but i added him anyway. HAH.

yeah so after that claud and zwing msgd me at 12 sth saying possibly the exact same thing (was this some chain mail thing? or do great minds think alike...) abt how at 01:02:03 time on the 040506..which is today,this time and date will NEVER OCCUR AGAIN for another few gazillion years or so.really? ah,made me feel soooo special hahaha.

i was desperately offline and trying to sleep but i COULDN.so couldn.i duno why.kept thinking about the run and also maybe it was because i slept 3 hours in the afternoon feeling depressed....i couldn sleep for once.zwing was like...woman! sleep NOW NOW NOW! at about 12 sth.

i just could NOT fall asleep.

i don't know if it was a good thing that zheng was up late reading too because after a few msgs i fell asleep at about 1 15 plus i think.that was his last msg.im terrible!!!!! slept so late.pretty late for a long day ahead at least.

BUT i woke up feeling happy and energetic.prayed rather hard in the morning,and had an early start to trinette's house on my AWESOME BIKE.had a pretty good day too.until gp.

the hair cream present was really sweet guys.altho it all landed on the heads of royce,daryl,eugene,willis,aaron and likuang instead of MINE.i need hair cream TOO OKAY.

oh and bryan sang happy birthday while standing on level two (and i on level one FACING THE STAFFROOM) abv the staffroom today.out loud.very very loudly.that made more than half my day bryan!!!! (: thank you.

and yeah i gotta bathe now.more birthday wishes to come i BET (: thanks to all those that have alr come today.

****eh,JABEZ AND MENG WHY DIN U WISH ME.are ur midyears more impt then ur cool little friend?(;

i don't care what the world throws at me now

2006-05-01T01:00:00.000+08:00

first of all,something made me decide to read the letter i wrote to God this morning before i started blogging.and i have just discovered the coolest thing ever.

"God! man. why's so many important people not coming tonight? i really wanted to spend my birthday with them Lord.. why are so many unable to come? is there a reason. i really really don't know what to do! ok, i do hope at least 10 ppl can come. but could you PLEASE grant me a miracle and make more of my VIPs come? i don't know how or what to do.. meng, robyn, cheryl, rowe, kahleng... please send them my way.. and at the very least God, make tonight really special for me.. that everything will work out right. i wanna place the event into your hands God. i had a startling revelation yesterday you know, about placing ourselves in another person's hands. that we do that not just because we have no choice, but sometimes because we have no other method of doing things that person's way. the only way we can do everything with the person and do it his way is by placing ourselves in his hands. there is a choice made. a choice when there's no other choice. and that's exactly how i want to place myself in YOUR HANDS LORD. there's nothing more i can do, no other way.. please help all things work out for the good of YOUR PURPOSE LORD. you send my guests to me tonight.. i commit all my plans to you. oh and please hold any rain tonight. give me a beautiful night please God. thank you Jesus. <3 Jonk 300406"

i mean considering what happened JUST tonight is the most amazing thing ever ever ever to happen to me.

im too lazy to blog much about it tho.kay.errr but i so so so HAVE TO.

it starts with me planning my own birthday party for tonight because basically no one seemed to be giving a damn about it so i did want to celebrate it somehow.so i planned this stargazing thing for tonight,just sit arnd the playground with a few friends and talk or sth.that's about it,and i kinda went arnd getting stuff with trinette yesterday.

so suddenly my plans go very haywire and a lot of ppl like cannot come.and all i cld do was wail to God about what i was going to do if everything totally screwed up.very unhappy.and rather sad that my most impt person rachel ho was not doing anyth abt my bday either.she was like SO uninterested and SO heck care abt my own plans.i was so damn discouraged la.so i kept praying and praying that it wun rain,that il have the ppl most impt to me there somehow..even meng,which i knew was not possible cos he said he had to study and yeahhhhhhhhh

YEAHHHHH so i believed all their nonsense.

all i rmb of the blur of events that followed was...i was pissed at rach,discouraged abt the stupid party,and trinette shows up at my house at 7 to 'help' me.ah.and to think SHE KNEW ALL ALONG.i was there moaning about how i din think anyone wld come..and was rather sad..she's such a faker la.stef said she was at jo's house and was gona come over to the playground alr with jo..and sucker called to say she was lost at the mrt...so i had to go to the playground to meet stef and trinette to find sucker...well so i met stef, but no jo..because jo was caught up at home.. (HAH I KNOW WHY NOW).and i ate dinner by myself in the park while waiting for stef.so sad right.haha.

then aft that sucker calls and says they're alr back at my house..marilyn's there..and then zwing calls and says she'll be at the mrt..so i rush to meet zwing..meet liao along the way going to my house..then shan calls and says shes also at the mrt...so i send zwing to go find her while i talk to liao.then i figure shan is taking too long to show..so i cycle down the mrt and find her across the road,but no zwing.shan rushes to go find her..and after a good 15 plus minutes i panic like mad that zwing has been kidnapped.images of Missing kept flashing in my mind.esp the part where the commentary goes..on April 30th 2006...Pang Sing Ying was going to a birthday party....that was the last Joanne ever saw of her again.

gosh.yeah but we found her soon after THANK GOD.prayed so hard she wasn kidnapped.cos then it wld be my fault for making her go find shan by herself.

at this time stef and sucker keep calling me cos iv been gone for a long time.nv occured to me why they did cept that cos they were getting impatient.so i wanted to at first send shan to the playground..then sucker keeps calling to say my mum says COME HOME NOW to get stuff..so shan says she'll walk to the playground herself.and that she knew how to..so i left with zwing for home (NOW I KNOW WHY).when we get home,all the stuffs packed.liao..sucker..marilyn..trinette.then amanda.we all carry stuff to the playground..when i give zwing a ride so she wun haf to walk.so im feeling quite alrite..quite happy some ppl are here.all i was expecting was stef,jo,sucker,liao,amanda,trin,zwing and me...cos rachel said she wld be late, which made me freak and rather pissed.hahaha.

so i get to the playground..but before i do i see stef and jolene parked on a park bench instead of where i left stef..which was the slides.then stef says she left some stuff in the pavillion so let's turn the other way and go there first..so im like,er.okay...but i din wanna cos it was the long way arnd to the playground.until stef starts yelling ouch cos she apparently fell down at ECP so i turned in that direction and started following her to see if she was okay.then i see this walkway of candles on the path she's taking..and it was rather sweet but i was ..er,why are all the candles i provided stuck in the same spot and no the playground?? then i push my bike thru the line of candles lining each side of the path and there's this 'JONK' word formed with candles at the end of it.stef was like,oh we did it for u (stef jo and shan...??) and so i was rather touched and said yeah it's really nice!

all of a sudden i think there was this yell,and i turn to where it came from which was the bushes on the far right of the small field next to the path..and i see this huge stream of people spewing out from behind the bushes..and ur mind is spinning so fast in the wrong direction it's impossible to think about what's going on..and there's this little corner of brain that screams UR FRIENDS! and im like WHO? and i see brandon frolicking towards me,meng teetering arnd, CARON grinning like mad (SHE FAKED THAT SHE WLDN COME) and then comes the grand finale and rachel ho comes in from the side with backstreet's back blasting from her stereo and i totally know WHO DID ALL THIS.there were so many ppl la.just standing arnd and laughing and saying surprise. i saw dave and was like..if rach did all this how did she get so many ppl she barely knows to come?? then the cameras are flashing and all i can do is cry in shock cos it's all so beautiful literally.exhiliratingx10000000

oh,and suddenly,ROWE's there.and im like,she din even answer my calls and said she probably cldn come.AND shan ..that faker.was asking me abt if roweee was coming and i told her,she says she'll be late.oh well.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

iv been PUNK'D.

and i had VIPs.reallllly interesting yeah.but to make it really clear,when they were like oh wait ur boyfriend is coming i was thinking of jon..josh..sam..and was quite happy that perhaps these ppl cld turn up.then dave lets the cat out of the bag by saying,oh zheng ah? cheh.

but it was nice in the end cos ding! and zheng showed up later so we cut cake and it was all so sweet and everyth that rachel stef and meng came up with this whole idea for my birthday..and it was just,awesome.

iv never felt SO loved by SO many ppl b4.

AND ROBYN KNEW! she kept telling me this morning..consolling me that OHHH...10 ppl is good.10 ppl is really good!HAH.

then we just sit arnd..OH yeah AND altho i alr knew,trinette and GANG got me a NEW BIKE.the most amazing thing EVERRRRR next to the party.if trinette hadn told me earlier that they were getting me a bike..i wld have cried even more today.but,it's REALLY SMALL and JUST FOR ME.sooooooo SWEEETTTTT I LOVE YOU GUYS.

and we have good music courtesy of rachel who said she got pissed at me for disturbing their plans..but if u ask me i think planning my own bday party kinda helped them in getting me out of the house and really distracted by the lack of guests that i din even really think much if this was all a big joke.

andddd yeah so we split into grps.the guys with soccer..trinette with sucker,liao,amanda,her bro and my bro..ZWING...to her house for dinner.steffy and jolene got to talk to the other two kenneths loe and ong,i rowe marilyn shan rach tgt AGAIN (i thot none of the get-togethers wld come la) yeah and the guys with SOCCER again..

sparkler night.meng and his flare.and whining sparklers..ah well,im just in awe of all the candles and lights and fire..

i got new earrings from caron!and iv almost finished her sweets..and zwing gave me an ugly little lamb.SO CUTE.and her mum gave me a white rose!!! so pretty.best of all tho...was GOD'S gifts to me:

JESUS so i can talk to him anytime i want

RACHEL STEF AND MENG for planning the greatest night of my life (so much better than prom..i was not even dressed up well)

THE GET-TOGETHERS the best group of ppl ever from SC whom i dun ever ever wanna forget

MY CHURCH BUDDIES the ppl i love so much and who make up the largest part of my social circle

EVERYTHING AND MORE THAT I COULD EVER WANT He answered my prayers more than 2-fold.with MORE than i myself cld even EXPECT.a beautiful night made DROP DEAD GORGEOUS.HE WORKED IT ALL RIGHT.

MY GUESTS: in alphabetical order..hope i don't leave out anyone
AMANDA..thanks for the BIKE man..im so SO touched
BRANDON..my good good good good friend who was 'supposed to have dinner somewhere tonight eh..'
CARON..you possessed woman!!! FAKE ME ONLY.
CHIN..you CAME! haha all because im ur mei u wldn mind if it was all girls(:
DAVID..HAHA! TBBITW thanks for coming!!!
DING..AHH! dingggg thanks for always being nice to me(:
(GOD ALSO WAS THERE!all the way man.)
JOLENE..babe you sly thing..keep going home to stall me eh.
KENNETH LOE..HAHA honored to be invited?
KENNETH ONG..i know you love my red bike.please take susie home.(HAH iv named the red bike susie on impulse less than 5 seconds ago)
KENNETH WONG HO MENGGGGG (SISTERS FOREVER!i cannot say enough.you skeez!!!! talk to me so much and scheme against me behind my back!!! i love you la!)
LIAO..YOU also knew!?!? ahahah and u just were thinking of coming eh.
MARILYN..thanks SO much for the cake man!!! i must go find ur present downstairs..
MARK..HELLO!!! another one part of the whole scam!!!!!never even mention to me at ALL!
rachel ho ruizhen (babe i love you so so SO much.i thank GOD for you my bestfriend!!!!)
ROWE..ur the first name in my BLACK LIST book.keep msging michelle!im jealous la.love you babe.
SHAN..number one FAKER LA.keep asking..so who's coming???? to make me sad la.
STEF (SISTERS FOREVER TOO!!! i love the slippers!!!)
SUCKER..you suck.to think you managed to conceal all that info behind all that laughing!!!!
TRINETTE..i cld never do without you helping me out allllll the time(:LOVEYACYCLINGBUDDY.
YONG EN..act stupid only when i asked u to come tonight eh.
ZHENG..HAHA my VIP who din say a word to me RIGHT.
ZWING..woman can i say more? you're my BOF forevermore.

and

after reading all this,you DO realize that God was part of the whole scam too right?

it didn't rain a drop.

2006-04-23T01:26:00.000+08:00

i kinda like this one.this is for not blogging for quite long! (:

2006-04-15T23:43:00.000+08:00

"iv seen it all and it's never enough;
it keeps leaving me needing you.

take me away,take me away;
iv got nothing left to say;
just take me away."

my whole life is like bullshit.you step back,take a good look at it and want to say,what bullshit;that can't be happening.

i keep doing this to myself,im a total embarrassment to myself.what the hell am i doing over there?who did i ever think i was.seriously not anyone worthy of anything right?

it's all bullshit.i came up with it myself,really.

there are reasons why i do things the way i do,do the things i do.it's called fantasy in reality.sometimes the best way to do that,is through writing.no one can fault you.no one has to know who is who.you can just live out that little happiness in what you write,revel in the satisfaction of dreaming.bullshit all you want.

im plain stupid,i knew that,but just figured that out.

"don't give up on me yet;
don't forget who i am.
i know im not there yet,
but don't let me stay here alone."

it is finished.

2006-04-14T14:44:00.000+08:00

"you know that I love you. You know that I have loved you long and dearly." -Pip to Estella in Great Expectations

this could possibly just another pseudo part of dicken's book where things just cannot happen the way they do in the book as they would in real life.i don't see how pip could ever like estella the way he does,it's just ridiculous.love? my foot.but as dicken's is a guy,the whole approach to pip's emotions for estella is straightforward,uncomplicated,very unrealistic.whilst everything else in the book is not any more realistic,the love story of the book documents the uncomplex reaction of hatred towards a love gone-astray, and unquestionable love for someone you barely know.as a consolation,estella is beautiful,which makes the love story of pip and her even more superficial.pip is an ass.

but judging the quote above without any other context,the statement seems to really hit home.the line is just so nostalgic,melancholic.whatever.for once dicken's managed to capture honest human emotion.a confession of a love that lasts through all ugliness of character,disappointment in friendship and distance of relationship.a quotable.

i think the tides have really turned this year.things are happening inside me.notions i have come to accept finally from the past are dying.my dude-craziness rose,got everyone's attention,forced me to admit things i would have never admitted,brought me closer to ppl i never would have thought id be close to.looking back on these months,iv changed.it may be for the better.instead of suppressing the reality of who i am inside,coming out into the open and just appreciating boys outloud for the blessed beings they can be has actually changed other aspects of my life.it has rushed past and upset my mindset of the taboo of ever loving someone unrequitedly,of hiding emotions away and getting all tangled and confused inside.sometimes things just have to be sorted out in the open,only then can the knots be undone and let go to the wind.

i have loved long,long and dearly like pip did,long and hard and now freely.but it comes to a point as such today,when i am forced to take a breath of the situation and decide that perhaps everything iv ever done to fill the hole i placed his name in has been done,and nothing has changed much.everything i ever got and built is as empty as ever.the foundation of something requited is just not there.it never will be,honestly.nothing will ever happen.it was all a facade i deceived myself with.i don't regret a thing iv done,no matter how long it has taken me.it has made me stronger,and truer to myself.

do things like these happen to only me? only the people who are unable to get the one they love to love them? these people would rather not love because it ends up meaningless and empty at the end of the day.as rachel was telling me yesterday,in the end it's only me.quoting steph's blog,'i would rather be alone,than lonely'.

i think it doesn matter who can take the place iv reserved far too long.there can be no one i guess,because whatever i expect can only be fulfilled by one person.a template no one else can fit.even if there never comes a day when someone else takes top spot,i look back at all my great friends and they're all ready to catch me when i fall.friendship supercedes all else.a love story between each of us friends that stays platonic,special and comforting.and even if i do guess that that person already does exist,suspect that something else lies beneath the surface of things waiting to explode,or am moved by influence into boundaries i don't really wish to cross,in the end it's only me.i make the choice.i have the power to do what i want.to take my own sweet time.there's all the time to take anyway.

this isn giving up.this isn letting go.this is putting down.like a child holds forbidden candy that isn't hers,only to deliberate for a period of time before it's evident that perhaps she should just place the candy back.it never was hers,but she did hold it,she didn't throw it away.she just put it down.it's still there lying in wait for a more deserving someone to take and eat,but to the child it always will be there,something she wanted,never got,but never disappeared.

to you;it's not something in the air,or the crazy notion of love.you've opened a chasm deep inside me,you didn't fill it,i didn't fill it.no one ever can.it'll never close,but i think it's time to move along.

2006-04-14T02:05:00.000+08:00

im being a complete embarrassment to myself,since ppl keep misinterpreting me.i have quit being boycrazy,please do note this.

i have changed for the better!

basically besides noting iv been blogging about totally utter rubbish at totally retarded times of night,im not proud of anyth about myself for now cept that iv conquered the amazing road to changi jetty AND completed GREAT EX.

followup to prior blog post posted 10 minutes ago,basically i may have met someone who impresses me more than i do myself.oh and my mother made me think about what kind of person im going to marry.she's afraid it'll be someone she doesn like.

on a lighter note,dave's back again tonight.probably already back home snoozing.

and speaking of snoozing,i bet i wun be able to wake up tmr for GOODFRIDAY SERVICE (yay jesus died for ME!/US!) thus my snooze button might just be overused.

it's great having you back tbbitw.(:

2006-04-14T01:42:00.000+08:00

gosh,somethings awfully wrong with me.i can't blog right,i can't talk right.i can't think right.as in,not that im thinking anyth wrong,but just,i think im a little warped now.

like,some force has taken over me.it may be unhealthy.

is it unhealthy to not like a person yet be so drawn to him/her in a nonromantic nonobsessive but...odd kind of way?

a minute without you

2006-04-13T01:08:00.000+08:00

'Cause when the minutes seem like hours
And the hours seem like days
Then a week goes by
You know it takes my breath away
All the minutes in the world
Could never take your place
There's one-thousand-four-hundred
Forty hours in my day

living in self-denial is like
the ocean without her waves
a dive beneath the surface where
waters once full of life
die breathless

when a life so empty gets
emptied once again
poured out and torn out until
it clings to the wretched love
screaming desperation

please let me love in silence
where the graves of lovers
lie in grey memory
loved once, loved her never
wretched love

shallow eyes that run deep inside
the soul that hides the truth
to feign emotion
to laugh in the face of
the fainthearted

then one day the wind blows
over the sea and the
ocean holding her breath,
quivers in his gravity
the waves turn

but the wind it comes and goes
hot and cold
turning the ocean blue and
sometimes dead
forever again

a life in self-denial kills the life
of the self slowly
a butterfly in the wind tossed
silly by his slippery existence
caught up in charm

the ocean feels the wind
across her cheek, a brush with
the beauty of his spirit
which is all he is really;
something only within

he cannot hold the true measure
of his worth
he is nothing to himself
but to the ocean he is her breath
of broken self-denial

the wind that flies slightly
above her glorious reach
sliding in and out of her palm
sprinkled with butterfly kisses
breaking her waves

living in self-denial is like
an ocean without her waves
a being torn in pieces belonging
no where, to no one
the wind might piece her

back

together.

getting offline

2006-04-09T23:36:00.000+08:00

im online wasting time.maths tutorials!!!!!!!

i cld start a scandal and say zheng is dating his geog tutor.HAHAHA.

but i won't.not yet.lost the evidence anyway cos my comp crashed.ahhh! haha.

iv just lived a rather wasted fraction of my life not doing anyth.

kay la there's no scandal it's just some joke.zheng wld kill me otherwise.

i miss talking to rachel,now SHE's going to kill me for putting her off so many times.RACH I LOVE YOUUU KAY.

HANSON ROCKS okay.LOST WITHOUT YOU DOES NOT SUCK.

my hanson can beat up ur dcfc zhenggg!!!

the world to me

2006-04-09T17:09:00.000+08:00

im gloriously wasting time on a beautiful,not very liked sunday day.i don't like sundays mainly because everyone's quite crabby on sundays,which attests to the fact that monday is after sunday and most ppl hate mondays.i especially,hate mondays.

iv just spent my afternoon out at parkway feeling crummy and being totally bitchy.at least i think i was quite bitchy.but i guess that comes from feeling so crummy.watever.and iv ironed uniform..watched dick and jane..which is such a retarded show.

ben is playing guitar again outside.it's getting very very annoying.

last night i spent like 3 hours writing econs essay.ms yip had better be sooo proud of me.i spent 3 hours preparing the essay,an hour writing it in econs..and 3 more hours completing it in total confinement at home.ah,i think im slacking again.i better do my maths tutorials and assignments NOW.speaking of which,i recently scored my first full marks for maths transformation of graphs assignment,and a second with chinese assignment.hooray for me.

readings of geog (phys AND human), great ex (...pip......nooo....), and econs NOT going down to well.im wasting too much time doing other things.reading sometimes is the hardest thing to do,which is ironic since i love reading other things like..teen mag,8 days..chic flick novels...im a bad example.

which reminds me how i was online talking to jabez till 1 30 yesterday.which is not bad for me,but very bad for someone who should be studying for O lvls.i don't know why that has made me so tired today tho.was about to agree to join meng and brandon at macs this morning,but since meng said i sldn go since i need to sleep THUS grow more..i slept till 10 plus.meng has most probably given up on making me sleep earlier.esmond however says its obviously crap that u grow more when u sleep more,since timmo sleeps the whole day yet has not grown much all these years.

ah,profound enlightenment indeed.

where'd you go?iv missed you so.seems like its been forever that you've been gone.please come back home.

2006-04-07T23:52:00.000+08:00

do you realize that i float
aimlessly
in mere existance
when you're gone

that i am nothing
much
without your presence
in my life

it doesn't matter where
you could possibly be
if you're near
somewhere

not too far
never close enough
but still in my mind
alive and here

i know no one knows
you probably have
no idea
about your importance to me

you don't know
how i do wish you
back here
in all honesty

do you understand
can you even feel me
saying you mean the world to me

please come back home.

black comedy

2006-04-04T16:32:00.000+08:00

i paint a pretty picture
i paint it with a twist
i paint it with a razor blade
i paint it on my wrist

and if i paint it properly
a fountain would appear
and in that bloody fountain
my troubles disappear **

**as found on the board of t14,as obsessed over by the girls of a14.we are NOT self-mutilators.

new blog LAYOUT

2006-03-31T17:44:00.000+08:00

tgif.i love love love love my new template.it tracks the happenings over this year..first 3 months.lots of ponning,crashing.what nots (:

more about this week later (:

MONDAYS SUCK

2006-03-26T22:48:00.000+08:00

lalala iv been hearing loads of good music recently.this morning i passed over 10 songs to esmond.darlene zschech has good stuff!! (:

im rather sad dave is off to taiwan AGAIN for 3 weeks.not that we even see each other a lot.its just that it was nice having him somewhere around there.

right now im tooooo sian to do any maths tutorial.BAH.

i miss talking to meng.but he's too busy mugging away and has no time for me.AIYAR.

i love having rach arnd during cell(:

OOH max's birthday is on TUESDAY! must write him sth.heehee.

iv been thinking about alot of things recently.actually just one main thing.but aiyar.it makes me sad.to think that iv finally (rarr sam called and broke chain of thought) ...AIYA i duno la.it's all getting sooo close.im close to falling.but i won't DUH and can't DUH.i mean it won't mean anyth to anyone but still it disturbs me to think that this may become one special time i don't like someone for intense personality,beautiful looks,getting-along-fantastic-together..just,pure PERSON.

but it won't become anything.

anoi fest

2006-03-26T00:12:00.000+08:00

Anoi Fest was odd. It was not just her name, which she found (personally) rather oriental with a distinctive mystic ring to it. It was everything about her very oblivious existence that screamed, though not too noticeably, of evidence of a freak of nature. Not that Anoi was a prominent one, but it was the people who happened to stumble over her somewhere in their hugely unfortunate lives who grudgingly discovered that truth.

Anoi had a simple life and an even simpler mind. In fact, her life revolved around a few non-substantial obsessions; namely her violin Jonathan who was named after her brief online fling mate when she was barely thirteen a year ago, becoming a tall and sexy popstar, and hating her father. You couldn't tell all that just by observation of course. There was nothing much to see in the first place. People did not remember Anoi by her head, it was a small black head, of limp hay-like hair, nor her disproportionate facial features -- they hung precariously on her tiny face, as if she had stuck them on herself in the wrong size.

She might not have been remembered at all.

lao shu ai da mi,eh?

2006-03-23T22:56:00.000+08:00

mouse loves rice.cat wants to eat mouse.rice just sits there and does nothing.knows nothing either.neither does mouse.a fiend of a cat.

if you think i have no idea what's going,think again.i have friends on MY SIDE.

2006-03-17T23:01:00.000+08:00

It started out with Brandon, Meng, Zheng and I walking through Roxy Square one torched Friday afternoon. The hottest days of the year landed around this period, and even in the surprisingly cool indoor environment of the rundown, rustic building, I could quite vividly imagine the searing heat of the sun beating down on the world outside. To a point however, having survived the erratic temperatures just an hour ago to actually get out of the house for lunch served enough experience as reminder for each of us. No one really bothered much otherwise about getting outside again.

Meng called the place 'dodgy', a word he commonly associated, as I had found out a little while before while eavesdropping on his conversation with Brandon, with worn out, fossilized hang-outs like this one. Only those who lived in the bygone era of bare-walled barber shops and well-outdated fashion boutiques could bear with its ugly corners and angles, twists and turns of old building plans. Honestly, I would not have been caught dead 'hanging-out' here after school. Not that I had a straight bus here from school, but you get the idea. The only reason I would have ever been here like I was today, was for the air-conditioning. The boys however, had brought me here to meet their good friend and trusted barber, Le Le. The primary issue at hand, was for Zheng and Brandon to get their hair cut. I never really understood why boys had to keep getting their hair cut,especially when there was already a lack of hair on their heads, much less the length of it. That problem aside, we talked and laughed, as old friends do (though that we were not, figuratively or literally) to De Barber Shop. Or at least that's what I think it was called. Some French thing.

Le Le (oh gosh that sounds French too, thinking about it) was not at the shop today, unfortunately. He was out teaching French. Okay just kidding. But he was not there today and thus the boys refused to get their hair cut by anyone else. After a quick decision, being boys, to come again tomorrow before church, we set off for home. Zheng, who had just met us during our lunch break, decided to come along too. He had to get his beloved X-Box back from Mark's possession, Mark also being my neighbour. In one of those moments of walking together where no one in particular is leading anyone else, but there is an unspoken destination, we ended up walking a subconsciously longer way to the door than I had vaguely recalled. We also ended up talking about the all-too-familiar topic on school grades. To be exact, O level grades.

Zheng and I both had A2s for both our sciences. That's as far as we got with the topic. After digging out the fact that I got the coveted A1 for English, Meng proceeded to gladly tell everyone about how I wrote my own stories, and at this sudden change of subject I got rather embarrassed about my secret trade. So I asked Meng if he was trying to annoy me, and that I had already endured a bad enough debate with my cousin the day before about how I was boy crazy. This yet-another change of discussion literally sent the boys crazy and all of a sudden the sunburnt world outside did not seem the most heated thing around anymore. It sent Brandon off into one of his giggling fits.

"But you are boy crazy." Zheng looked at me briefly and said in that I-am-so-serious tone. Being Zheng, when he actually spoke up to comment on something, it somehow came out like the Ten Commandments, Judgement Day-style, for that matter. He had this uncanny ability to make you feel bad, as I had found out in China when he accused me of being superficial. Although that time it was pretty true.

It was this tone of voice and persistence in Zheng's five worded statement that left me defenceless. In bid to look for moral support in the eyes of one of my friends, I found none as being 17 and below the normal age height requirement, Meng and Brandon, both towering above eye-level, laughed amongst themselves. It was only later that night that I unconsciously arm-twisted Zheng into revealing the reasons of his argument by putting a display picture of his face behind a crosshair. Reasons for those lay behind a much later afternoon episode where Meng borrowed my laptop whilst I was caught up in my room to watch the OC. After Zheng came over from Mark's house with his X-box, he hijacked the laptop from Meng. Peals of laughter and suspicious conversations concerning my MSN account and I drew me back outside, only to find Zheng triumphantly typing away at my computer, my MSN account blatently displayed on the screen and one very exciting conversation with Wesley, his cell member, going on. Brandon had abandoned his physics worksheets entirely and now both boys, Meng concealing laughter discreetly behind his physics notes, sat side by side. They were clearly in the midst of destroying my reputation online. But as loving Christians, the damage was minimal.

Back to arm-twisting Zheng finally at night to explain why he deemed me as boy crazy, he gave me four well thought out reasons.

1) My nicks are always somehow about boys.
2) My display pictures are somehow about boys (if not, myself).
3) I think about boys all the time.
4) I am always caught talking about hot guys.

I am simply misread, misinterpreted and misunderstood. There is sometimes no way to change that.

Meng did say however, "Go write a story about now", with regards to my A1 for English.

So I have.

promised rachel this

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rach and aunty roseeee

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mr manhunt number 3

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wow,mr manhunt number 2

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sam loves this picture

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jon tries hard to think

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my baby jon

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sam's mum gets a parking ticket

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sam and jonk(:

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faraway look again! (:

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see the girls in his eyes

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the boys sharing a toast of love,jon,aloy and sam

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pretty jo

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jeff's muscles can't beat the fantastic view behind

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close up of Breakwater

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the boyband (BREAKWATER) pose (:

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the martian meteorite has crash landed,but it looks like the real freaks are right in the background (:

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rachel says goodbye in alien language

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UMBRELLA EDITION:phoebe

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the really awesome postcard shot

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meng and zheng in the spacesandship

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i wore meng's terribly huge cop shades